Topic : Abuse

Perfection -- What a CROCK!

Here are some answers to your questions...

So, now what do I do? Educate your self about abuse especially verbal and emotional.  There is ALOT you can do about it.  Get MORE support.  If you've lived with hubby for 18 years, then you have 18 years of brainwashing to undo.  You need reality checks and options -- support helps with that.  You need MORE THAN ONE source so that when one isn't available you move on to another.  More support INCLUDE counseling, abuse support groups, family/friends, church/clergy and US or other online message boards.  Know your LEGAL RESOURCES -- if you don't them, find out.  HAVE A PLAN.  Even if you choose not to leave, you STILL need a plan for your life.  You need to figure out for yourself how you can STOP letting someone else dictate your mood and "suck the life out of you".  You can stop that anytime you like (once you know how).

Do I leave?  Not if you feel you haven't done EVERYTHING in your own heart that you know to repair the relationship/fix the problem.  Because you have kids, you have to weigh heavily whether your DONE yet or not.  The real question you have to ask yourself is:  Can I continue to live this way if nothing changes?  The answer to that is simple – it’s NO!

Does staying tell him his behavior is ok?  Yes, it sure does.

Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done?  Yes.  Whether you go or stay, you NEED A PLAN.

Have I earned my way out yet?  I have to answer this with another question.  Have you reached the point where you KNOW in your heart of hearts that hubby is incapable/unwilling to be the kind of man/husband/father you and your son need?  Have explored FULLY how YOU contribute to the problems in the relationship and have you fixed those?  Once you have a pretty clear answer to those things, you have earned your way out of the relationship.

Shall I tell him to get help or I leave?  Not only does HE need help, so do you.  You both need SEPARATE counseling.  Once you are both stronger and more willing to be the partners EACH OTHER needs then you may need counseling together.  And if he won’t go, you go anyway.  The reason for that is… because you will repeat these cycles in your next relationship if you don’t figure out how you stay a victim of his abuse.

Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help?  No amount of manipulation or coercion is going to “make” him change.  He has to WANT to do that himself.  He is responsible for HIS happiness.  You are responsible for YOURS.  Do not allow him to shirk his responsibility to sluffing his unhappiness on to you.  As partners, we ARE accountable to our partners for our consistently unpleasant, unproductive, unconstructive behavior.  You are NOT to blame for HIS unhappiness/anger/general nastiness.  HE is.  The same goes for you.  Your responsibility to get the help you need to STOP being victimized and that very well may mean leaving.

DO NOT CAVE!  Require that he be a better person and if he is incapable/unwilling and you have done ALL you can to rectify your shortcomings, THEN it's time to leave.

Be gentle and, again, Welcome! 

Q

I am sorry.

Calling his daughter names is verbal abuse.  Neither you nor any of your children need that.

I can understand completely why your daughter feels like he hates her.  He treats her just like he treats you.  Personally, he lack of respect toward you and her leads me to believe that he has little respect for women as a whole -- but this is an assumption.

Just because hubby is in denial about his own behavior doesn't mean you need to be.  If he can not be civil to EVERYONE ESPECIALLY THE KIDS until the frickin' 25th, then HE needs to leave.

I'm glad you called the therapist.  I'm glad you called your attorney.

If you feel things are escalating, let EVERYONE know and take precautions.  Any prudent parent would do that.

Hang in there hon.  Q

Do NOT hesitate to stand up for your children if you feel they are being abused.

I can't tell you the number of times I didn't do this and wish I had.  Eventually, when I got strong enough, I got better and better and standing up for my kids and as a result I also got better at standing up for me.

I got myself to the point that I REFUSED to let my own children be BULLIED by their Dad.

It is very normal for children to try and manipulate their environments/situations.  It is one way they learn what the limits are.  In light of the stressful situation THEIR DAD has put them in by remaining in the home while divorce proceedings are taking place, ANY child is going to be on the emotional side regardless of whether it's cold french fries or someone simply looking at the the wrong way.

Your child was NOT out of line for crying -- screaming maybe -- but given what ya'll have been going through for the last 12 years, I would even expect that.

So you know.... very often, people who label others' behavior are really expressing what THEY DO themselves.

When your hubby is telling you and your daughter that you are playing mindgames, that is called PROJECTION  and it's more likely that DAD is the one playing mindgames not you guys, okay?

Ask YOUR counselor to explain what that is and what you can do about it.

Q

I'm feeling lots better now!!!  My younger daughter - S - just got back from the dentist & he was able to pull the teeth part way back to their original position.  Good news - no fractures, the teeth WOULD HAVE been knocked out but the braces stopped that from happening.  Bad news - we need to watch these teeth for the rest of her life - could need root canal on 3 of the teeth someday, the roots could begin to desolve!, or her teeth could turn black & need to be pulled.  BUT these things may never happen.  It's in God's hands now how well her body can heal.  She is young & healthy - the trauma could have been worse. 

A has moved out.  I told her that she needed to leave by the end of the day.  She actually went back to the marital house "temporarily".  The soon-to-be-X seems to be on HER side in this.  I guess she has manipulated the situation to her advantage once again!  She is a master at that!  Little G is HOME!!!!!!!  I keep telling myself that it's better for him that he's at his own house.  My house is a nice place to visit but it was never his home.  I got the key to the house back too so there will be no surprise visits. 

No charges were filed - not S's style (revenge).  I DID tell A that things could have been SO much worse & that she could have been arrested!  Nothing like a police record for violence to dampen the chances of custody!!!!!!!!!!  She's SO lucky! 

A is "angry"!!!!!!!!!!!  Unbelieveable!  SHE is angry!  Just like the father - always placing blame on others!!!  It was S's fault - she was asking for it for months!!!!!!!!!  Sound familiar anyone??!!!

Bottom line - she is gone from my home now & S & I have peace once again.  Hard when it's your own child that is becoming the new abuser in the family!!!!!!  INCREDIBALLY HARD!  She makes her own bed - just like her father did!  Hope she heals before she's 57 like her father!  And even HE still doesn't "get it"!!! 

I know I did the right thing.  Thanks for all your support!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

I know I did the right thing.  She is gone now.  I knew I could not ignore this, bury my head in the sand, retreat to my room & cry, or try to fix it!!!!!!!!!  I tried for more than 20 years to fix her father with no success!!!  I am not about to try to fix someone else!  Separating the 2 was the first priority.  I wanted my younger daughter to feel safe in her own home again.  She deserves at least that much!  A has picked on S since they were children - always threatening to hit her if she didn't do what she wanted.  They are not children any longer!  A is old enough to know better!  You're right, she blew it!  She had a wonderful chance to get back on her feet again here in her childhood home.  Had me snowed into believing that she herself was abused & suicidal.  Sad that she used my own past against me!!!  She knows that I feel used by her - I told her several times that I felt she "played" me to get here.  She was supposed to have a job BEFORE she moved in here but she didn't - lead me to believe she was at the end of her rope so I would let her come jobless!  Borrowed the money for the 3 months she lived here for "board" from friends.  Played games on the computer all day instead of properly taking care of the 3 year old OR looking for a job!!!  

I also tried to teach her to keep her hands to herself since she could talk!!!!!!!!  At 22, it's obvious that I didn't succeed!! 

I also think that her telling me she would have to live in her car was just another play for sympathy!

I'm a survivor & still trying to get my life back on track - NO - I don't need the added stress & drama!!!  Had enough of that to last a lifetime!!!  Doing well otherwise.  

Thanks for your reply!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

Does he hear me? Well, sometimes I think it is better. He was awful before counseling, outright mean, venomous even. That is when I told him I'd leave before I allowed him to make sick. He challenged it and kept insisting on his way, yammering on and on. I told him then that I couldn't take it and maybe we needed to separate. I was serious and I think he finally got it a little. He has mellowed since then. Now, rather than using anger, he pouts. I guess it's anything to be the center of attention. Any emotion to run the show. As long as he is center I guess it eases his insecurities. Gads, does he ever hate it when I tell him these things. You know, the "You think you can analyze me, you think you are so smart." Well, I couldn't be right because then I would 'win' wouldn't I? Can't have that. He is not one to apologize, he just behaves better the next day and for a while.

I guess I can work on it a bit longer. What are the books that would teach me how to respond to him? Perhaps I am already doing it, I'm not sure.

When you set the right boundary and deal with toxic folks in healthy ways, you end up KNOWING you did the right thing.

I am not surprised one bit that your eldest is angry -- her sense of self-entitlement is LARGE.

Trust that she may learn her lessons -- or not.

But the key here is... that YOU'VE learned YOURS.

The best thing for manipulative/abusive people is for YOU to set YOUR boundaries and protect them.

You did that.  I'm proud of you!  But I know it is not what you want for your child or your grandchild.

Q

First let me say I hope your son wasn't too hurt from practice.  Sending healing wishes his way.

You had EVERY RIGHT to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN from his OUTRAGEOUS OUTBURSTS!

EVERY RIGHT!  Do NOT listen to him.  Glad you didn't.

There is NOTHING more powerful than a mother protecting her babies.

BRAVO on trying to get more support.  I absolutely believe you need MORE support.  Sometimes support groups will have sitters to watch the kids.  So if you get the chance to go, ask about that.

He IS a bully -- that's a fact.

But remember that deep-down bully's function from a place a FEAR.  While you are afraid of his abuse, he is also afraid of losing his kids and so he is intensifying his aggression to you in line.  The best thing you can do is... do what YOU FEEL is the right thing for your children.

Do NOT be afraid to call the police if you get really scared.  Everytime I had to call them, like when my Ex showed up at our house DRUNK and terrorized my sitter -- even though I had an order of protection, they were VERY understanding and helpful.  It might also be a good idea to work out a safety word with friends/family so that they know to call the police for you and/or work out ahead of time for a short term place to stay if you get so scared you can't stay in the home.  If you do that, go ahead and a pack an overnight bag just in case.  Better to have a plan to fall back on than none.

I think you have handled this whole situation MARVELOUSLY!  You held firm on your boundaries and removed yourself from the conversation as much as you possibly could-- BRAVO!!!

So you know... legally the police could not have kept the kids' Dad from picking up his children.  So the sooner you guys get a visitation agreement the sooner all this mess will ease.  I know you are probably counting the days before this mess gets over with.

I don't know how long y'all's cheer/sports practices are but I would not hesitate to ask friends/family to pitch in with picking up your son/daughter until your hearing.  It makes perfect sense to keep the kids away from any scenes hubby may cause.  The worst that can happen is they say No -- odds are that won't happen.

I am here to listen ANYTIME -- oh, and before I forget, click on my qqqhhh link and jot down my email addy so you have it.  I generally read email about every other day since we can't read it at work anymore but I DO read it and I WILL respond.

Deep breaths, take it a day, hour, minute at a time.  Q