Topic : Abuse

In a study published by Psychology Today.com  (http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100108044)

Women are biologically more likely to get depressed and the stress from depression is physically harmful!  Here is an interesting excerpt:

“As director of the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics at Virginia Commonwealth University , Kenneth S. Kendler, M.D., presides over "the best natural experiment that God has given us to study gender differences"—thousands of pairs of opposite-sex twins. He finds a significant difference between men and women in their response to low levels of adversity. He says, "Women have the capacity to be precipitated into depressive episodes at lower levels of stress."

Adding injury to insult, women's bodies respond to stress differently than do men's. They pour out higher levels of stress hormones and fail to shut off production readily. The female sex hormone progesterone blocks the normal ability of the stress hormone system to turn itself off. Sustained exposure to stress hormones kills brain cells, especially in the hippocampus, which is crucial to memory.

It's bad enough that females are set up biologically to internally amplify their negative life experiences. They are prone to it psychologically as well, finds University of Michigan psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.

Women ruminate over upsetting situations, going over and over negative thoughts and feelings, especially if they have to do with relationships. Too often they get caught in downward spirals of hopelessness and despair.

It's entirely possible that women are biologically primed to be highly sensitive to relationships. Eons ago it might have helped alert them to the possibility of abandonment while they were busy raising the children. Today, however, there's a clear downside. Ruminators are unpleasant to be around, with their oversize need for reassurance. Of course, men have their own ways of inadvertently fending off people. As pronounced as the female tilt to depression is the male excess of alcoholism, drug abuse and antisocial behaviors.”

Welcome to the board.

First let me tell you how sorry I am that you were raped.  Bad things happen.  And I know you are having a terrifically tough time.

I also feel compelled to challenge some of your thinking.  Please understand that I do tend to be blunt, but my intention is NOT to cause you further harm.  My intention is help clear up some of your confusion.

When you wrote that your hubby is a “great husband”, I’ve got to tell you that any hubby who forces his wife to have sex against her wishes and or engages in sex while she is drugged, is NOT a great husband, okay?  He is NOT A GREAT ANYTHING to harm his own wife in such a way. 

Also if sex is painful for you, have you been to your gynecologist?  There may be an explanation such as endimetriosis or something else causing your problems and, if you haven’t, you really should discuss this with your doc.  Rule out the medical. 

I understand that your sons love their Dad.  Of course they do.  My sons love their Dad too, BUT I had NO BUSINESS continuing my relationship with their Dad because he could NOT control himself, he abused me and he was not going to respect my boundaries.  I stayed WAY longer than I should have for the SAME reason you are.  I should have left and stayed gone.

You are putting yourself at a HUGE risk and I strongly urge you to reconsider the thought that you remain in that home.  If your children need to see their Dad, work out a schedule where they get to see him often, but YOU need to LEAVE.  Before you leave, you need a plan. 

IT is not YOU who is tearing your family apart (tearing your self apart by staying, yes) but the blame for tearing your family apart is your PARTNERS.

Let me ask you this question:  if you stay, how are YOU going to get better? 

Abuse escalates and from what you’ve written his sexual abuse of you has already been escalating.  That is not good for you, it is certainly NOT good for your children.  They NEED a HEALTHY, WHOLE MOM!

At a minimum I suggest you get counseling – ASAP.  Counseling was the single best thing that helped me cope while I stayed in my abusive relationship AND it was the best thing I did to recover and heal.  Make an appointment TODAY!!!

Handling it better IS NOT the answer.  You know it and I know it.

If you keep this a secret, your family is going to fall apart anyway.  Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it WILL.  And you may end up having a nervous breakdown or worse.  How is that going to help your children?

Be MORE gentle with your self.

Q