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Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

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August 10, 2005, 3:15 pm CDT

My Ex TRIED to do this...

Quote From: sadmom

Going through a divorce plus custody battle! H was and always has been abusive and is trying to turn the story on me and claiming Im an unfit mother! I have raised my children on my own basically because he was never around to help in any way. He was always with friends or family after he got out of work and would never come home until the kids were in bed, and left before they were even awake in the mornin. Having hard time coping with this custody battle because he has lied to his attorney and to the courts about me and my parenting skills. I have been going through this batlle for 6 months already!

Guess what?!?  It didn't work.  

  

Most abusers are their OWN worst enemy.  Because they choose not to control themselves, they inevitably tip their hand. 

  

I remember one time the first attorney I had -- I dropped that divorce, yes big mistake, all he did was swagger up there and utter just acouple of words and my Ex LOST IT.  Wish I'd never dropped that case -- I'd be SO much further along.  Oh well... water under the bridge. 

  

The court system is NOT perfect.  It is slow, adversarial, and MADDENING, at times.   

  

I had two attorneys.  The first one was a settler -- BIG MISTAKE because I settled for joint custody and that was NOT in anyone's best interest.  Then I got a fighter and even though she would tell me things I didn't want to hear, she did the RIGHT THINGS.  The one thing I hated hearing most was "give him enough rope to hang himself."  I remember thinking just how am I supposed to do that? 

  

Well it really wasn't up to me -- and he did it all by himself. 

  

Well, in hindsight, it was pretty easy because what my Ex wanted was a FIGHT and ALL the attention. 

  

He got both PLUS he got some jail time.  He looked pretty good in that ORANGE JUMPSUIT!  It suited him. 

  

The reason he got jailtime was because I let the natural consequences of HIS actions fall where there may. 

  

I stopped dealing with him on HIS terms and started getting terms of MY OWN.  One of them was to cease ALL communication except in writing through the attorneys. 

  

I stood up for how I would be treated. 

  

Just because your hubby is TRYING to spread lies and turn the tables, doesn't mean you have to let him. 

  

If you parented your kids, get their daycare workers, teachers and anyone else to vouch for you.  This includes family, friends, and neighbors, playdates anything where people saw you interact with your kids. 

  

Actually, the thing is... you are INNOCENT until PROVEN guilty so hubby will have to PROVE that you are unfit and if you aren't, then he simply can't, now can he?  Judges are not stupid. 

  

What YOU have to do, is PROVE that you are your children's PRIMARY CARETAKER.  That means you need evidence.  Report cards, doctors/shot records, cancelled checks with your signature for sitters/daycare.  Another helpful thing I did was prepare a list of the things I went through in a typical day with my kids.  Step by step what I did with the kids, how I cared for them and what we did for fun, education, cleanliness, chores, etc.  There is a very specific list of things a judge looks at to determine custody.  Talk to your lawyer about what those things are and how you can prove that it's YOU who really does it all. 

  

Welcome to board and hang in there hon!  Q 

 
August 11, 2005, 8:58 am CDT

question Q

You say to gather evidence to show that you have been the primary parent, like canceled checks for daycare, etc.  My h didn't let me write out a check for 7 years and the things that I did pay for on my own I either used cash or sometimes I charged it (remember I had a credit card with a $8500. balance on it over 3 years and that's why he wanted to have me committed?).  I have a few of the charge receipts to prove what I paid for with the CC.  I am just scared  because I charged a lot and he has more money than I do and the NY courts are pro-father's rights that it doens't matter that I have been the primary and at times sole parent.  It just feels like it doesn't matter how much time/parenting I did before this divorce, it only matters that he gets his 50% time with the kids after the divroce-quantity not quality is what the court is looking at.  'Scuse me but that sucks!
 
August 12, 2005, 4:10 pm CDT

I'm back!

Hey everyone! Its been a long time since I've been on here. I see some of the regulars are still here... Its been a super long summer, busy with the boys swimming and surviving the heat! All that is about to come to an end in another couple weeks. My ex (divorce was finally finalized in March-yahoo!) is getting out of prison. Of course,he has spent the last year devoting all his time to harrassing me and trying in vain to control me from there. I've got my plan n place for when he gets out, cuz I'm not taking any chances. Hes already made it clear that he will make my life a living hell. i don't get people like him,he's already lost a year, his home, 90% of his belongings and most of his family and STILL all he wants is me back and since I refuse, well then he will spend his time making me miserable. WHY!????!?? I'm way stronger than I ever was back then. I read those verbal abuse books when i first left a year ago and then i read them again a month ago. Amazing how things all make sense once you are really truly away from it all. Anyway, as the days grow closer I'll probably be around here more and more relieving stress!! lol! QQ, glad to see you are still here, sure missed ya!! 

Mojo 

 
August 12, 2005, 5:39 pm CDT

I can totally relate!! Your not alone

Quote From: sadmom

Going through a divorce plus custody battle! H was and always has been abusive and is trying to turn the story on me and claiming Im an unfit mother! I have raised my children on my own basically because he was never around to help in any way. He was always with friends or family after he got out of work and would never come home until the kids were in bed, and left before they were even awake in the mornin. Having hard time coping with this custody battle because he has lied to his attorney and to the courts about me and my parenting skills. I have been going through this batlle for 6 months already!

This is much too common, and our  court system doesn't really care.  My H threatened me in a court hearing after he had tried to kill me and our unborn son a few months before.  Attempting to make it all my fault, he said he would do everything he could to make sure I went to jail instead of him, and that he should be the one raising the kids.  I had a restraining order against him, and by the time this hearing had taken place he had called the child abuse hotline on me 3 times stating that I was physically and sexually abusing my kids.  Then a few weeks later he filed a restraining order against me stating that I was the abuser, and that I tried to kill him on a number of occasions.  The thing that irks me is that none of the court personnel, lawyers, or social service personnel said a word about his behavior.  And because of the way the officer that took my report the night that he tried to kill me he got his way for visitation, not even with proper "supervision".  The courts idea of supervision is his much older father, and step mother.  Its ridiculous the claims that the courts make that they are on the side of the children, my now ex H is bipolar, along with low testosterone problems, which aggrivates the bipolar, making him extremely aggressive abusive and unsocialble with anyone.  I had more than one police report proving his demeanor but they didn't care.  I doubt very highly that the court even read these reports.  There is just no one that us as dv victims can turn to trust.  We are really damned if we do something to help ourselves and really damned if we don't.  So what do we do. 

  

I really feel for you, Im scared to death that my ex H will take my boys, and never come back.  My first ex tried to do just that with my daughter, luckily I caught him with a witness listening on the phone.  What I have learned through my horrible experiences is that the more physical evidence you have the better off you are, even though as I stated before its not a sure fire thing.  Abusers tend to be extremely good at manipulating anyone and everyone, which is what my ex did.  Its ridiculous, I really think that lawyers, judges, and any other personnel that choose to deal with should have extra schooling with psycology, etc.  Because the people that I dealt with sure don't seem to get what the abusers are really like, unlike the mask they try to put on and then we as victims seem insane, seem like we are making it all up, and out for revenge.  That is precisely what the guardian ad litem told me in my first divorce, wouldn't take one word of proof from any of my family who witnessed some of the abuse even.  So to the unfortunate that are having to be a part of this disgusting violation in our homes and families, good luck, may god be with you and your kids!!!! 

 
August 14, 2005, 7:58 am CDT

any advice?

On friday I received yet another letter from my h and his attorney that I am once again 'concerting an effort to continue to not communicate to myh about the children and alienate and keep them from him" b/c I am taking them to the Cape for 3 days.  And he keeps bringing up his version of when I took our son for lacrosse gear in the spring time without his knowledge or consent.  It was an elaborate 2 page letter telling me how I do not communicate with him and I have this plan to alienate the children and keep them from him.  How am I going to defend myself, oops he's home, gtg
 
August 14, 2005, 8:33 am CDT

He came hom early and with polans

Well my h came back early from his vacation. while he was there he was complaining about his family but when he came home he said he left because he was getting too attached. Now he wants to go there in march when our lease is up.  I'll now more about my job at the end of the mo nth.  i 

'll have to start really making plans.  hes supposed to get his GED before we go up there, but he hasn't done anything to move towards that, all he does online is look at porn, striaght and gay porn. at any rate i'm tryin gto ahng in there till th eend of the month. he keeps asking me if its okayt that WE go. he think smy main issue is leaving my family but its really if i wan tto do with him. which idont. hes already started being childish again and tongiht when i go out with friends he'll do the same old same old. i'm trying to figure out the best time to tell him i'm not going with him b'c i dont want to be with him. hes laready said that if i dont want to go he loves me but he'll have to go b'c thats were he needs to be, of course he just said this so i can see how serious he was and how strongerly he fels about being up there. i thought about saying that i dont want to go up the re and that be that but he would problaly stay and then b'c even more miserable and that would be playing games and i dont want to do that. hm just answered my own questiong. anyway, of course he came back early, he told me the night before.....then when he got home and we were in bed he pretended to look under the sheets and said whats this condom doing here...! idiot, jerk, sob, thats what i thought of that.  whenever we talk about going i end up saying you. he caught on to it and asked why i cam up with well you hace more to do. all i have to do is pack and move. but i guess in my mind my mind is already made up. the sad thing is apart of me wants to go up there and hope he 

ll change. he talk s like he'll suddenly become a mellow person and be much happier all b'c of where we live.  i still have that hope. i know it will be a huge mistake to move up there, its just htat i find my self considering it. but allt he trust is gone. hes been doing little eitngs. like tossing the remote towards me w/o saying anything. it lands a few feet from me but its like hes testing my reflexes. i have been thinking about real estate and hes already told me i dont have time to do it before we go and it'd be great if i got a job before we went ip there. so when am i supposed to do this real estate thing???  from a man who suppoesdly supports me 100% on it and defended me in front of his parents telling them i've never been on fire about anything like this before when all i've done so far is read a few books on it.... Its wierd. he not consisitent about anyhting. and he keeps saying he doesnit want to be here. i figure if i dont see him at ltest looking into getting his GED here in the next few weeks it may just be a way fo him to get out of the marrieage. who knows may be he met someone or has figured out hes gay.  i cant wait till the end of the month. 

 
August 14, 2005, 9:10 pm CDT

Reevaluate you reasons, and make sure you are not doing anything out of anger, towards your husband

Quote From: gaktstoner

On friday I received yet another letter from my h and his attorney that I am once again 'concerting an effort to continue to not communicate to myh about the children and alienate and keep them from him" b/c I am taking them to the Cape for 3 days.  And he keeps bringing up his version of when I took our son for lacrosse gear in the spring time without his knowledge or consent.  It was an elaborate 2 page letter telling me how I do not communicate with him and I have this plan to alienate the children and keep them from him.  How am I going to defend myself, oops he's home, gtg

Reevaluate you reasons, and make sure you are not doing anything out of anger, towards your husband. It sounds a little like an old fashion "peeing" contest, and the children's welfare, should always be front and foremost in BOTH of your conscience. 

I am not accusing, I am just saying, that many times, in anger, both play a game of who has the control? I am just gently saying, make sure every thing you, as well as the husband, is done for the good of the children, and not just because you CAN do it. The children are always the ones that will suffer. I hope this helps, and I hope you don't take this as judgment. It is only asking for introspection, on BOTH of your parts. 

 
August 16, 2005, 10:35 am CDT

Evidence...

Quote From: gaktstoner

You say to gather evidence to show that you have been the primary parent, like canceled checks for daycare, etc.  My h didn't let me write out a check for 7 years and the things that I did pay for on my own I either used cash or sometimes I charged it (remember I had a credit card with a $8500. balance on it over 3 years and that's why he wanted to have me committed?).  I have a few of the charge receipts to prove what I paid for with the CC.  I am just scared  because I charged a lot and he has more money than I do and the NY courts are pro-father's rights that it doens't matter that I have been the primary and at times sole parent.  It just feels like it doesn't matter how much time/parenting I did before this divorce, it only matters that he gets his 50% time with the kids after the divroce-quantity not quality is what the court is looking at.  'Scuse me but that sucks!

isn't just cancelled checks...  use whatever you have.  In fact, I'd complain that his control over the check book gave you no recourse BUT to use credit.  He used the finances to abuse and control you. 

  

It DOES TOO matter how much parenting you did.   

  

A court will try to be fair to both parents. 

  

The real issue here is that hubby wants 50% time and you don't -- you guys CAN'T AGREE on something in the middle -- so someone is going to lose something.  You've managed the children very well for 12 years, the judge is GOING to listen to that. 

  

The more people you have in your corner -- your letters from school etc -- the better. 

 
August 16, 2005, 10:41 am CDT

MOJO!!

Quote From: mojomom30

Hey everyone! Its been a long time since I've been on here. I see some of the regulars are still here... Its been a super long summer, busy with the boys swimming and surviving the heat! All that is about to come to an end in another couple weeks. My ex (divorce was finally finalized in March-yahoo!) is getting out of prison. Of course,he has spent the last year devoting all his time to harrassing me and trying in vain to control me from there. I've got my plan n place for when he gets out, cuz I'm not taking any chances. Hes already made it clear that he will make my life a living hell. i don't get people like him,he's already lost a year, his home, 90% of his belongings and most of his family and STILL all he wants is me back and since I refuse, well then he will spend his time making me miserable. WHY!????!?? I'm way stronger than I ever was back then. I read those verbal abuse books when i first left a year ago and then i read them again a month ago. Amazing how things all make sense once you are really truly away from it all. Anyway, as the days grow closer I'll probably be around here more and more relieving stress!! lol! QQ, glad to see you are still here, sure missed ya!! 

Mojo 

Hey woman!  Glad to read you are safe and sound! 

  

IT HAS been a busy summer here too. 

  

I'm glad you aren't taking any chance with your Ex!  Good for YOU!  Q 

 
August 16, 2005, 10:48 am CDT

Gak...

Quote From: gaktstoner

On friday I received yet another letter from my h and his attorney that I am once again 'concerting an effort to continue to not communicate to myh about the children and alienate and keep them from him" b/c I am taking them to the Cape for 3 days.  And he keeps bringing up his version of when I took our son for lacrosse gear in the spring time without his knowledge or consent.  It was an elaborate 2 page letter telling me how I do not communicate with him and I have this plan to alienate the children and keep them from him.  How am I going to defend myself, oops he's home, gtg

He can bring up ONE incident --- that's IT?  Just one?!?   

  

Besides you DID communicate -- via email at LEAST 3 times-- using that method to keep hostilities DOWN in the presence of the children since your soon-to-be EX REFUSED to leave the house.  This is an educational trip for the children who have NEVER been to the beach.   

  

Of course he's gonna write a letter.  Are you STILL expecting this man to look out for YOU and what's in YOUR best interest?  Come on GAK -- he's trying to manipulate the situation to HIS advantage. 

  

You make sure your attorney writes one back.  Don't justify -- just state facts. 

  

Don't defend your actions.  What you've done and what you are doing is JUST FINE. 

  

 
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