I would like to respond to the issue raised by Pleasance, Lynn and a few others regarding the feeling of “apathy” on the message board.
I’ve been reading the board for approximately (2) years and have commented a few times.
I believe it is impossible for anyone to fully understand the dynamics of abuse unless you have experienced it first hand, especially as a child. Watching your father strangle your mother until she goes unconscious will instill a terror within you that you will never forget.
I’m a product of an abusive marriage, a marriage that never should have taken place nor should their (4) children ever been born. My father was both an alcoholic and an extremely angry abusive person. My mother was a product of an alcoholic, abusive father and so it goes – one generation to another. My mother was programmed to be abused as a child and as an adult.
My father was addicted to alcohol, abuse and control – my mother was addicted to my father. All the time I was going up, my mother repeatedly told me that she was staying with my father for my benefit, so that we would have a home and be a family. The truth was, my mother was afraid of my father, believed she was not capable of taking care of her children alone and chose abuse instead. I bore the guilt that because of me; my mother was beaten, abused and controlled. Of course, I too was abused, controlled and mistreated.
Once I became an adult, and could choose my own way in life, I decided I would break the cycle. I would never allow anyone to abuse me or any children I may have.
I commend everyone on this board who has made the choice to live, rather than just survive. Yes, it is a choice. It starts with an idea, and can blossom into a reality if you are willing to do the work. My journey has taken me through Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, individual therapy (2) separate occasions, group therapy, family therapy, conventions, seminars, journaling, book readings, re-reading, etc. etc. etc. It is a process that most likely will never end. The payoff… I live in a tranquil, loving home where I am respected, loved and revered. I can put my head on the pillow and rest comfortably. I enjoy peace and serenity in my home. I have a voice and I am heard. I am an equal partner in everyway in my marriage. And, I was blessed with (2) children who never experienced physical, mental or sexual abuse as I did.
My point is, no matter what degree of abuse you tolerate, you send a message to both the abuser and yourself, that you don’t matter. If that is good enough for you, no matter how much advice you receive, no matter how many books you read, no matter how many therapy sessions you attend, you will never change your life or the lives of your children as long as you tolerate abuse in any form.
To anyone reading or monitoring this message board that has had the good fortune of never living in abuse, try to extend yourselves with empathy rather than apathy. But for the grace of God, it could have been you at the hands of an abuser. Patience and tolerance will go much further to give someone a helping hand up – rather than indifference to their situation to keep them in the clutches of control and abuse.
As “Q” always reminds everyone, be peaceful, be gentle with yourself and others and keep the light on for all in need.
Very Irish
