Topic : Abuse

  I know you are 100 percent right, and really KNEW it when I turned the locks.  I was desperate at that time to end 'games and deceptions, and financial greed and payback any way I could.

 

   I thought (just maybe) giving him the benefit of the doubt he doesn't deserve, we could live seperately (just like the marriage really) with seperate lives and get amicable enough to serve our childrens need to NOT have the a two camp situation for every life event from now on, THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. 

 

I figured you give him what he wants, (of course he will also take what he wants when he wants or else still) to be alone, with NO nagging or responsibilities (which in reality other then his five obsessive compulsive chores he does to, in his mind  to earn little boy rights to then proceed with doing whatever he wants in the yard  or elsewhere irregardless of ANY other needs, never varying in his resolve to 'do no more, no way no how, he would be satisfied enough to let it go'. And, KEEP his word, and just let me get along with my life, and responsibilities of finishing raising our last daughter.  PLUSSSS I knew as soon as able he would 'work his evil magic, of Daddy is never wrong' on her, and begin the turn he needs all the children to do with the 'poor Daddy' so he doesn't have to account but is justified in EVERYTHING he does in front of them or to me behind the scenes.

 

 Well, of course not cause that might be a solution or resolution carried out to the end. NOT, his mo at all, sabotouging and disrupting and controlling will sitting by meek as a mouse for all to see, is his mo. Working me up to an emotional wreck or a very angry 'victim of deception' is he favorite game.

 

 So, I have to relay I had a horrible time with the youngest recently, so bad she put a chair in front of her door to block me out, WHY?  His latest behavior and threats to withdraw (and steal off the desk, and lie about it) tactics enraged me.  Trying, however to stay calm (and he had just been around her for the purpose of 'helping me' and it had been ok, and so again.........short while of peaceful........proceeding a long period of deceitful, 'manipulating'. 

 

Sad, as I had made the promise to her NOT to go there on her weekend ever again, but since he knows I want to end the bs for HER sake and mine, naturally he had to start some or is just plain so selfish and self involved getting what he wanted and needed through ANY means is just 'norm'.

 

 Funny, my first suggestion to him was, well obviously I can't DO anything with this check made out only to you, so clearly you can take it all if you choose, but I would like to 'not fight about it' and or just let it sit on the desk.  It would be 'nice' security to just let it sit, for the time being as we have a full year before it is no good.  What with things being how they are, it could be security for if we run short, for the holidays and all.  (which I know HE will find a way to show up for).

 

 NOPE, he showed his TRUE colors again, appeared to agree with 'sharing' or doing nothing andyet, HE  NEEDS the delight in the deception, and bold theft right under my nose. 'I'll show you what you get for being realistic he says, 'I will steal it and then accuse YOU of theft, that's why I took it'.

 

 He later said, 'sorry' but continued to defend his 'rights' to it, before I stole it.  I ask you HOW could I have stolen it?  Truthfully it didn't even occur to me at the time, to do anything but 'decide later, what WE were going to do with it.  NOT.

 

Ok, so his magic works again,  daughter (youngest) is REALLY sick of it all, told me she didn't want to live it or hear about it. (see how he forces me to be truthful as clearly she KNEW what was up) as he loves to pull his stuff, and then act innocent or blame me. And well sad to say things went real downhill and our 'nice' weekend outing (which he managed to get involved in by being here, helping) was totally ruined by one of his 'all about me' stunts again. 

 

 So I broke a promise to her.  I feel sick.  I thought her DAD might possibly care enough to lend me the truck, not really understanding he would ingrain through it, and was being helpful and it was important to me that he SHOW both me and daughter he could be a Dad, of sorts, for her needs if not mine, but then of course he EXPECTS to help himself to whatever he can while here too.

 

  The totally stupid thing is CLEARLY my mind is shot to EVER have thought he could have ANY real civil in him at all.   I am so ashamed that with all of the stuff under the bridge, I still TRY and have ANY dealings with him for ANY reason.  They smash you flat............and then offer to 'pick you up' for round two.

 

  I am soooo stupid at times, I wonder if I deserve the hell I am living.

 

 But, you all would be 'proud'.  I quietly just drove his (not ours of course) truck around the corner parked it had a friend bring me home.......took his phone, (that is under my contract for cell phones) and his check book to his private account....(which he deposits money still legally OURS) ...gave him his bag (with nothing but clothes in it) and told him to go  home.  He said how do I get there?, and I said you have money call a cab, or maybe other (oldest) daughter to come get you. 

 

 I said what you did, and lied about was plain and simply THEFT,  (this was NO smally check 800.00!  I, could have hired someone for that much or rented a Uhaul to take stuff to goodwill.) this is the last time you will be given the courtesy to be 'helpful' for my or your daughters sake.  You assume you can 'help yourself' to whatever you want, irregardless of any lies you tell to 'throw me off guard' and irregardless of the 'fight' you know will occur when your are caught, being a selfish jerk.   NO wonder you are 'locked' out of a room in our house, you would steal milk from a baby, for sure. ' Bye.

 

 Now, he is telling everyone he HAD to take it as I wasn't giving him any money!!! His allowance check (he makes me give him) was taped to the mirror, in the entry in a big red envelope since the 28th of the month, to give him to cash on the first, or when he came to 'trade vehicles' out and help move stuff around.  He came around the 28th or 29th, so boo hoo.  You mean to tell me his employed 'daughter couldn't help out till the first if he was that 'short'.  FOR gosh sake he has sooo many sources of money, BESIDES this windfall and he can't tap them?, or be a day or two late in the rent? BS. He is an ass, to the first degree ONLY and ALways looking out for number one, and telling pathetic lies to cover it.   He has been in this, 'Ill show you greed', since I took over the paying of the bills (not his money, just paying the bills) two years ago, and has been a 'victim' every since. Totally sabotouging my attempts, to be in the know, on time, and in SOME kind of a budget, not just willynilly dealing with bill paying. What a jerk, to the tenth degree. 

 

  Also you note, while purporting to everyone and professionals how 'generous' he is going to be during the seperation, he still is selfish and STEALS it, as he clearly STILL sees it as 'his money' only, and NOT to be used to pay the bills, or serve the home or child. SICK to the tenth degree.

 

 I am already giving him 200.00 more a month that he declared he needed (like an ass) to everyone that would listen to him, AND he can take what he wants from all sorts of hidden funds. AND has a gainfully employed ADULT living with him, taking from his paying the rent........so DUH!

 

  But, all said this episode really really CURED me of any 'hope' to do anything but have a nasty divorice and relationship from this point on.

 

  And I am ashamed I did 'allow' him up close and personal to start his bs again, and cause me to break my promise to my daughter..........that he and I would be on 'good behavior' so we could help her get moved into the bigger room.   I did my share of that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he did not.  And yes, it went downhill PDQ.

 

  The last thing I want is 'issues' with her, and yet, even though she obviously did overhear what the 'fight' was about (his theft of monies, deceptions, and lies and selfish) she said to me later (several days, when she overheard me tell my mom, how fearful for the future ability to even have a home, I am, 'Daddy, wouldn't put us out of our home!!!') Oh, dear. More problems, he has made for me.

 

  That must keep him warm at night!  I am soo ashamed, yet look how she STILL doesn't see, what he is capable of.  It is so sad. I don't have to 'say' bad things...........he just does them. How in the heck do you deal with this.  I will admit,  I have been completely honest with her (as I am NOT going to pretend to a bright twelve year old, nothing is going on, without bad mouthing Dad, just emphazizing how we cannot get along, act immature (both) and are trying really hard, etc but apparently I dont have the 'control' I should so I have been 'pulled' in again by a s*** heel act of his. 

 

  This is the VERY thing, I wanted to end.  And I realize I brought it on myself........ I mean no one would help me, now as it IS still his home, castle apparently to DO whatever he wants........and he will USE ANY excuse to gain a foothold to hurt from..............which makes all this worse to bear.  Thanks for the listening

 Not that I am trying to compete (yea right!!) for who has the biggest loser, but this must be the norm for these jerks as mine asked if he could still come work in the yard and the pool, and then informed me he had heard that sex with the ex is the best sex ever!  Like he was actually looking forward to trying that one, as he isn't even an ex legally yet.  Mind you this is a man that WITHHELD sex for years could he "couldn't".  

 

  Again, no "reality" in their brains at all.   Like WHO would allow such USE of  their "rights". 

 

  Honestly, they know they have us so trapped, we frequently seem to have no choice, (in some things that is) What a selfish statement from any human being.  Again, all about them, and you know what many keep trying to make it that way EVEN if divoriced, moved on, with a restraining order, and when the woman gives them EVERYTHING including her personal dignity, just to be free. 

 

Sad, but I will be the first to say,  having been treated lower than an ant........and deprived to the point of desperation for all our needs being me,t like cheap two bit ................blanks..............we find we are capable of too putting up with almost anything to keep marriage, home, or self esteem FALSELY intact and it is an attempt on their part to see how low they can get us to go holding our "dreams and hopes" and lives for ransom.   We tell ourselves WRONG.......not happening.............and they use all we care about to see if they can make it "happen".  Why? Power tripping at someone elses expense is what they live for.

 

 Not only that, this is a "jerks" attempt to say, "you mean nothing to me but what you can do FOR me".  Pay attention.

 

N

  Moderator:  I have tried what you suggested and it is already set to newest to oldest, didn't help the problem, not only that I have having a terrible time getting a post to "take", and then I don't see it, until I try several more times, EACH time having to go to log on,  which takes me to profile, and I have to "search" all over again to even FIND the thing I was trying to reply to nor is it any better going to just Post a Message. I have checked remember my user name, at log in but It doesn't even though I never leave the site.

 

  Please do something as I have this problem every time I have visited the boards for months now.  If I weren't doing a copy paste after I type to save while I go through these hoops using this board would be a total exercise in time wasting, while getting no where.

 

  Right now I really NEED this board to keep me sane and focused and to work or "self esteem" and for the invaluable advice from others that have "been there done that".

 

  Please help correct this MAJOR issue, or I see no point in even checking out the Beta community..   Just too frustrating.

 

  PLEASENCE 

  I stopped posting while working on "reconcilling" hoping to not get caught up in the "fever" of bragging rights to effect "giving it a chance" or out of shame for the backsliding I have done in  negatively reacting to a passive aggressive emotional abuser.   I talk so strong, but am just a weak female being still "hoping" up to the last to avoid the "unpleasant" and scary next step to really end the marriage, as that REALLY means an end for me financially too, and being so old and not responsible to just self.    I am not to proud to admit for all my RESOLVE to not live like I did and sometimes HAVE to still, I am SCARED to death or the "process" of somewhat slitting my own throat, by going to court, let alone really having the ability to find the money to do so, with this stuff going on.  I slip into "just proceed" with your life, forgetting that will HAVE to change to escape the misery of it.  So there you have it.   At this point I would just like to get it OVER, whatever it takes, but reality is you have to do the stuff you have to do, to get it done.

 

  So hard, not to mention the emotional wreck I can STILL be pulled into being.   And feeling so alone, as I attempt the near impossible isn't helping.  Everyone, from my kids, to my mom is soooo sick of it........of course that futher "isolates".  I do have some "pride" left and so that too gets trampled.  It is nearly impossible to function for my child on many many days................and I know this "weak" state makes me suspectible to his offers to "help" while really just "helping himself" back into the "games".

 

  AND I know the worst is yet to come, and it will be years before I really can not feel underseige. 

Right now, I know (since I have BOTH vehicles, cause he stole the security from me being able to get tires on the one I really drive.........and since to do what I have to do I NEED the truck) sooner or later I will have to deal with him, and yes, by the time he is done lying to everyone I will look very greedy and bad for taking these things if ONLY to self protect).  Legally they are mine to take, just like he helps himself, but I know I shouldn't have "reacted" to his games making him look the "victim" again.

 

  Why does this matter, cause it invites those near and dear to chastize and misunderstand as I look as mean and childish as he is.   I cannot "protect" self and child, or meet our needs..........without making him a victim?  I realize I have gotten "lost" in HIS realities (games) again.....but right now can't figure out how to undo, or escape.   This is why I KNOW I can never actually LIVE with him again, and yet.......there is no end seperated or divoriced it seems, as just LOOK at what my efforts have gotten me, more of the same.

 

  At times it really does seem FUTILE to even try.

I'm really not sure why this is happening, we have not had any similar issues reported and I'm not having any problem staying logged in.

If you are accessing our site via a favorite place or bookmark, try logging in directly by typing www.drphil.com into your browser, and see if this issue continues. I'm wondering if you're using an old bookmark that is no longer valid.

Yep, I'm the one who said it  (RAT's A$$) and it has been a crude but effective mantra whenever I start trying to wonder, wish, and take accountability for my husband's state of mind. Update: I paid full price for the antidepresants, but it came out of the atty. money I need to file. So it will take me longer. Lexapro withdrawal is not something else I need right now, and my physician and therapist agree.

 

And I'm glad I did it. My dad suffered a serious heart attack last week. He is OK now, but I have grieved 4 deaths in 5 months (my best friend was one) and I was catastrophizing a great deal. But I got through it better than I would have without meds right now.

 

 Remember Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde? So I've been dealing with manipulative Dr. Jeckyl for less than a week. Not trusting it, waiting for the other shoe to fall. My car brokedown yesterday on the way to a gig. I nursed it into the Rio pking lot, played the gig, and immediately got myself a rental car. Dr. Jeckyl offered to lend me his car, and of course when I called him to pick me up, no answer, no response. No suprise there.

 

I was supposed to play church this morning, then it got double booked, so I went to school instead to get in an hour's worth of catchup work. My H called and wanted to come over and hang with my daughter while I was gone. I told him that was not a good idea right now and he said OK.

 

Ten minutes later I get a text from my daughter telling me he had come to the house (he is a stepdad). I dropped everything and came home immediately.

 

Here's the part I think you will all like. He was mad at my daughter for texting me. Oooo! In a calm even tone of voice, I told him that the therapist said in order for him to have a relationship with my daughter, he has to have a healthy relationship with me 1st. He was mad bc I had a backup plan involving friends to the wounded car to the mechanic.

 

Me: In the past you have not followed through.

Him: f you this and f you that. Fine! go to your friends!

Me: You are breaking Dr. S's rules again. You are cussing me out.

Him: I don't give a f, a--, expletive, expletive, expletive......

Me: You say you want to work things out. You need to respect my boundaries. Today you came over to hang around my daughter, and without letting me know, or respecting my my concerns as a parent.

Him: All I did was come to see T and the dogs you expletive, expletive, expletive. You liar you said you had a gig.

Me: Don't sidetrack. I have the texts to prove it fell through, and I had the right to pursue different plans. I have been a finacial and emotional doormat for the last year, and it stops here! You will respect my wishes concerning my daughter who has been through an emotional roller coaster. You will not question plan B and C on my part to make sure I have reliable transportation in order to be at work. You will not talk to me with a raised voice, insults and profanity.

Him: more expletives, which have been going on now non-stop.

Me: You are breaking Dr. S's rules. Stop it.

Him: f you! (hangs up)

Me: have a nice day :)

 

Yep, Mr. Hyde was always under the transparent veneer of being oh so nice for what- 5 days? Is it emotionally exhausting dealing with him? You bet! Do i feel good that I stood my ground? Definently. What I've learned is not to let his behavior trigger a knee jerk reaction of being a victim. It may feel like an emotional marathon, but stand your ground; and expect the abusive behavior to get worse bc he is not getting what he wants from you: emotional meltdown. I'm suprised he left my house intact. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde... Many of you are dealing with the same guy. Good luck. Stay calm. Therapy can get you there. Your inner strength and goodness will see you through. Ghandi said: Nobody can hurt me without my permission!

 

 

 

All i can say is TYPICAL!!!!.

Yep this sounds like the type of thing my ex would say that sex with the ex is the best sex ever! .

Mine would try something like that...

 

You are so right about the power tripping at the expense of others.

 

My ex through the whole of  my marriage to him was about "what can you do for me?" I would ask him to do something like take out the trash and his reply was "Now I've done this for you you can do this for me".

I stopped asking in the end of course..... it was not worth it.... and yep i meant nothing to him..

 

I think you have a pretty big loser yep he is a big pathetic JERK!

Perhaps he gets the JERK award.....

 

God Bless

WGx

 

I really do have a zero tolerance for the abusers in my life now and if he wishes to shift the blame onto me which he has done for 11 long years that is his choice he can have his tantrums and throw abuse my way but u know what i don't  give a RAT'S A$$$$!!!!

 

As far as i can see from where i am right now his existence will always be piss poor and that is his choice..

 

I choose to Make my life my responsibility and i am on that road now... yes i have bad days but it's getting better all the time .....

 

Each time he does his pathetic act i just laugh and i laugh out loud!!

Just please tell me there must be men out there who are not like this LS didn't just bag the only  good one surely???

 

God Bless

WGx

Well done for standing your ground with your Dr Jekyll and  Mr Hyde 

please stay safe through all this turmoil won't you?

I think the more you stand your ground the more bored he may get and turn it on someone else...

Who knows but well done!

 

stay strong

 

God bless

WGx

I'm hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst. My H has a drug problem. I suspected it for a while before I found the evidence. He moved out, cleaned me out financially, and has lived scott free at his parents for the last 21/2 months,  For me, al-anon was a joke: love your man, reject the addiction; when he goes out to party, say fine go do that, I'll go on with my day. What the counselor failed to realize was that there was hell to pay in my life for the next 48 hours after he used. He turned into Dr. Jeckyll about five days ago bc he was out of money, and his parents are fighting again. Too bad! I've written a will, put important documents in a safe deposit box, gave my mother durable power of atty. in case something happens to me. Also in the safe deposit box is testimony as to what has occurred already, again, in case anything happens to me. Also, if I miss one day of work unaccounted for, alerts would go off like crazy.

 

Kind of morbid, but I'm trying to have all of my bases covered just in case. Like that country song, except mine goes, "You might just be an abused woman....if you put yer affairs in order and documented yer hubby's assaults in a file labeled "Here's the jerk who did it! If it seems like I'm making light of all of this, its because he has spiraled so out of control, he makes absolutely no sense. Something about his messed up logic would be funny, if the consequences weren't  so real.

 

The funny thing is, I'm not scared- at least for myself. I used to be soooo scared of him, and now I'm kind of like, this is what I've got to do and whatever happens, happens, but I'm just going to whatever is necessary because I have to. I'm prepared for anything but I'm not afraid- just ready. I think I'm in what they call survival mode. He will turn his attention on something else for the time being: drugs! And I'll keep standing my ground! And the house is booby trapped and alarmed at night just in case. My phone right under the pillow.

 

It all goes back to what my therapist was trying to get me to understand the first couple of sessions: boundaries!!!!!! You feel better once you get them in place and know exactly what they are. I'm done beating myself up for what I put up with for so long. I'm done longing for him to realize that he treated me horribly. I don't care what he says to anyone to make me look bad-in my profession, or to his family, or mine. Don't care. Cleaned me out of any funds I had. Don't care. Not scared. He has threatened me before, absolutely trashed the house during a rage, threatened to kill himself....Looneytunes. I've got my boundaries in place, and I feel such security in knowing what they are and where I stand, even if he does violate them. I don't know if my frame of mind right now makes sense to anyone who has been where I am now. I do so want him to get bored and go away---but I wouldn't want him to turn his behavior on my worst enemy. Am i in a survival mode? All I know is that I'm better than I was.

I'm so sorry you had such a bad day the other day.  Sometimes the past misery rears it's ugly head now & then.  You know it will pass. 

 

I hope you are feeling better once again.  If there is anything I can do to help, know that I am here for you just as you were here for me so long ago!!!!!!!!!!  God Bless - sending hugs your way!!!  LS  >^.^<