Topic : Abuse

I agree totally with what you are saying and i hadn't quite seen it that way.. Yes of course if we remain with the abuser it is allowing them to stay in their dis-ease....

 

My ex is stuck age 13 since his brother died. I do believe with my ex from where i am right now that my ex will never ever admit he has a problem and he will never ever do anything about it.

By leaving him i have shown him the door but he is far too lazy and stubborn to open it. pity.

 

I spent years trying to fix him all to no avail he just got lazier and more stubborn and now he has labeled his condition and he is completely off the mark. He has labeled it as Hypoglycemia and that is why he behaves the way he does and if i had of been more understanding (apparently) this separation would never of happened.

My Father was like that and once he got the label of alcoholic he too felt that everybody should excuse his bad behavior while he carried on drinking and abusing. My Father never sought help never admitted he was an abuser and never will... My ex never sought help got a label and he too will never admit he is an abuser. and so it goes on.

My father had some tough lessons and lost everything and now he just wallows in self pity my ex is going the same way.. well good luck to them that's what i say.

I am glad i left and realized the game and yes i stopped enabling my ex to abuse me and my children and our pets..

God Bless

WGx

 

You said it Dysfunction yes it is amazing how clearly we can see it once out of the cycle of abuse, pain and craziness.

 

Your girls will see through him I'm sure how dare he carry on playing this game with them it's the last thing they need.. surely they see your bf and can realize that your ex's behavior is 1 not loving and 2 totally not normal.

Your bf can at least show them what a real partner, father figure, mentor is really like and how a good relationship is.

 

Sorry he is still doing his craziness with your girls keep strong ...

God bless

WGx

I have been so strong and have fallen down and picked myself up again and each and everyday is getting better and better...

 

The one thing i am having a problem with is a money issue my fears of it....If i don't express about my feelings it will just eat me up.

omg i have such a fear and i have had enough of this feeling and i want it to stop.

yes i have a part time job yes i am trying to get my web designing off the ground i am OK....

I suppose it's the little girl who is having this fear and she needs someone to look after her as in Beverlys book when she says "Her need to be taken care of by others" and yes that is the battle i am having right now i would love to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself i do not want him back ever.

I have to deal with this irrational fear and expressing right now is helping...

Any thoughts from anyone??

God bless

WGx

My biggest fear was financial too.  Even though I had been managing all the money for all my life.  The thing was that managing the money was a big help for me - I knew how to play "money games" - robbing Peter to pay Paul & how to stretch the dollar, etc.  I had figured out a plan but was still scared.  It's normal.  I had never really been on my own - alone.  It was scarey to be all alone without a safety net.  But I DID IT.  I was making my ends meet in spite of my fears.  The fear subsided after a while.  I learned to relax & trust that things were being paid & that most likely I would pay next month's bills too. 

 

It's not an irrational fear - just a normal fear.  You are still getting used to being on your own.  It's huge!  You'll be OK.  Believe in yourself - you are very strong.  You proved that just by leaving the situation you were in!!!  You proved your strength AND courage AND resolve in doing what needs to be done!!!  Maybe you don't see it in yourself yet but all of us here see it!  You'll be fine!!!

 

BTW - my X never showed up for either the church OR the party.  Made some lame excuse - still digging his own hole.  Pitiful.  He wasn't missed. 

 

The party had a rough start.  My son-in-law's brother is married to a nut case.  VERY controlling & insecure - she has such a tight grip on him that she is squeezing the life out of him!!!  He went to see a lawyer about a divorce.  She found out & became violent - came in & immediately started beating him & punching him.  He has scratches across his chest & welts & bruises on his face.  He was trying to block her punches & finally pushed her away.  She fell.  Now she is in the hospital & can't move her legs!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What a situation!!!  OF COURSE he feels responsible but he was only defending himself - didn't hit her, just pushed her.  She tripped over her own feet - not able to get her footing & fell funny.  My daughter came to my house in the morning in tears - scared for her husband's family & worried how it would affect her son's party too.  We calmed her down & the party went well. 

 

I feel so bad.  Hasn't me & my girls had enough dysfunction in our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dysfunction is EVERYWHERE!  Sad but true! 

 

We are all hoping this girl will be OK.  It could get worse if she is permanently paralyzed!  He could be guilted into spending the rest of his life "taking care of her"!!!!!!!!!!!  THAT would be a tragedy for everyone!!!!!!!!  The family is trying to encourage him to go on with the divorce regardless - IT'S NEEDED!  She has been violent with him before.  It may not happen as often but it is SO true that even some men are abused.  So sad!!! 

 

Goes to show you that we need to be on guard against abuse - it can pop up anywhere. 

 

Stay strong!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

Webgrl:

If your ex would ask to come back to you, what would your answer be?  You know I know the answer to that question!  Well, try to consider that you must keep the fear out of your life as well.  I know it seems hard, in the natural, to see how it will be possible to make all the ends meet.  I have been there for years!  One thing I realized, when the fear of this thing felt as though it would press in on me so bad that it would just crush me, is that this anxiety was actually keeping me from the success I could attain.  And looking back over many years, I realized that at each time, for every day, all our needs were met.  Adding it all up, by the world's standard of providence, it would seem surprising that we never felt WANT for anything!   We did have what we needed for that present hour and WILL again for THIS present hour.  We can't stockpile it, really, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Allowing the worry to create stress in our spirits is really indulgence.  Almost sinful because we can live without the burden..."My yoke is easy, MY burden is light".

 

You see, I BELIEVE!  I KNOW that HE has always met my needs.  He IS my Jehovah Girah!  And HE will continue to do so.  I know that struggle, hon.  I'm there now too, with my bank account completely depleted and wondering how the bills that need to be paid by month's end will get paid.  So, tomorrow I have put myself into HIGH GEAR and go out pounding the pavement to find work.  Determine that you will do what ever it takes.  But, believe me, letting that fear have a place within you only hinders your efforts.  It's like, "I know what I want, or can acheive... BUT... what if.... "  You know what I mean?

 

YOU CAN and ARE capable of making it on your own.  Don't let that past struggles with the finances also become your future, because YOU have the power now to make changes for the good.  I know you will do it!  Just look at all you've accomplished thus far!  Keep up the great work, the processing of the pasts and encouraging your future!  We're in this thing together too, hon.  So, feel the love!

 

MUCH love,

R

Sounds like your new life is going well (maybe just a few little glitches here & there - but that's life).  You sound very peaceful.  Wonderful that the children are adjusting so well & the little dog is so cute.  Good luck on a new job & best wishes for continued success in the future.  God really can perform miracles, can't He!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

 Ok, I too am terrified of being destitute, or was until it got so bad I "turned it over to God".  My abusive, shallow, and downright mean husband, uses that fear all the time. It is classic.  I have huge debt (my half) I would have never been a part of had I known how things would turn out.  You think we are the only ones?

 

  I have no readable job skills. No resume. I am not young. Yet, I know I will survive, somehow.  It is about choices, and responsibility.   We have a RIGHT to expect a man we procreate with, will be "man enough" to do his part and not threaten us with that "part".  So the cards turned out different, it doesn't mean you are out of the game of life.  Remember how scary it was when you left home as a teen with no skills to make it?  I made it, married somewhat badly, and have the "financial and emotional scars" to carry, (something I didn't have as a teen).   I also have a child, and ALL the bills to deal with anyway, and have to play "nice" with someone shallow and manipulative, or else.........even though we do not live together.  All my "dreams" are in limbo, and money is still the CENTER of all our issues (his choice) he feels "cheated" and so do I.

 

BUT,  I am learning how to survive.......and right now that is working on getting out there, and debating opportunities, cutting back, and STILL being responsible during all the "games".  I have no choice in my end of the debt.........and no means of my own to deal with it.  Hard lesson.

 

I do have some compensation, for being married........IF he doesn't get really nasty and strip it all off for himself, which I expect as soon as he meets a deadline to further manipulations.  So I plan, which is about all I can do at this point, and learn to detach from all that once mattered to me, as emotional well being is key to success in any endevor, meaning without my "wits" and self respect, I can succede at nothing. So I have made a start, to have an emotional roller coaster free life.  Baby steps, trust in yourself and your choices is the first step. 

 

Don't let the "terror" of reality.......keep you a victim.  It takes time to recover, regroup, and move on.  Losses are huge, but so are the gains.  Really we find we don't need much "money" if the peace of mind is the gain.  Everyone cuts back, (if only because they slow down) as they get older, and many many people are in our shoes or worse.   My mom always said for every grievance you have to someone it is a reality, so count your blessings.   Meaning somewhere someone has it worse than we do.  I try and remember that, as it strengthens me to make important what is.  Money isn't the center of everything, and many with lots of money have NO peace of mind.

 

Realities you have to have some source of income, even if you need "help" from sources you are ashamed to take, until you can self support again.  My concern is having the attorney money, so that I can hope to get what I am due, which I know won't last long..  However, I still do not "enjoy" being bullied with it..........so I try and live each day..........without "thinking too much" about what scares me the most, other than to remind myself the WORST was living with a financial bully.

My husband and I have been married 8 years and together 11.  Up until 3 yrs ago he would hug and kiss me, lay on the couch and watch movies with me and even go to store with me.  Now, he and I have no conversations, no hugging or kissing (if we do I iniciate it and he doesn't hug back), and no time doing stuff together.  When I try to talk about something, like news or the kids, he looks at me and nods his head and turns back to the t.v. .  Yes, we have a great sex life, even with 2 kids.  But other than that there is no emotion or love shown period.  Unfortunatly, his father is the same way, only worse.  He's got my mother in-law doing everything for him while he sits in front of the t.v. all night, including fixing hid plate and bringing it to him on a dinner tray!  I am upset that he was raised this way, but what can I do?  My husband started to treat me the way his mom is treated (his father belittles her), but I put my foot down.  My mother in-law told me, "We will never be right, honey.  We just have to let them win and go on.  It's better that way."

Well, I don't think so! 

When my husband does talk to me, it's when something isn't done right or he's mad about something.  His excuse for not talking is "I'm tired from work." Okay, but what about weekends?  I don't know how many time I've tried to tell him point blank that I need the effection and friendship, but he blows it off like I'm crazy! I can't understand why he doesn't want my love, a friendship and a companion.  I know he's not cheating for sure, so that's not the problem.  I didn't marry him to be ignored.  I'm confused.

 

 Hi I am new to this board and not sure if I am doing this whole thing right or not. My x and I reconcilled 2 years ago and now again after getting out on my own, working 2 jobs and having a sense of peace I went back.. I am so resentful at him, myself and everyone and have been for some time now. We have been togeather14 years. When  I divorced him after our 8 year mark, he moved his old high school playmate in 10 days after I moved out. We went through a very bitter and expensive custody hearing and he was awarded custody of my girls. He has lied, cheated, abused me and at times I despise him. I fell back into believing him on how much he loved me and went back. I guess for some reason I thought he might have learned something from the mess we created. In the past 3 months I have been told that he wont sleep with me because Im white trash, I was molested as a young girl from the age of 7 to 15 by my father and  uncle and also my stepfather, he my h told me I liked getting - - - - by my father. He has told me this is his house and if I dont like it get out. I no longer work outside of the home and havent now in the two years that we have been back togeather. I took care of his mom in our home for the past  year. I can not stand the fact of him raising my girls and not being there each day for them as he would just find someone to come and in and take over and try to push me out. At least I know that I tuck them in at nite and send them out to school each morning and here when they get home from school. His mother is as whacked as he is. He is a good provider finicially but acts like we need to be thankful for all he does and praise him like he is some god or something. He of course justifys all he has done and said. I am scared that he will find this on the computer as he did years ago and print in out. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me that I went back, I guess so i have my girls everyday. I hate my life at times and myself why do I let what he says about me affect me so much. I am 47 good mother, great cook and do have some good qualitys when I dont feel like white trash as he puts it. Well gotta go

I have been really depressed for almost a month now. Knowing my abusive husband will be coming home any time soon (haven't been told when), has really gotten to me. I have given up. He was here for about a month in September, and in order for there not to be constant fights, I basically stayed in my bedroom.  This meant I didn't get to be with my kids.  There is SO much tension when he is home and I am not alowed to be a parent or say anything without it turning negative against me. I am treated like a child. No one else wants him here either.  This time, when he comes home, it will be to stay (unless something major happens and they call him back to active duty).    I so want a divorce because I have been married to him for 20 years.  For 16 years, I pretty much believed that I really was stupid and everything was my fault, and so many other things that have been said or implied.  I feel so worthless and a loser;  no value.  I have no say and whatever I do say means nothing.    In 2005, the kids and I left my husband---enough was enough.  We were gone for about 9 months, but only came back because we had no money and no place to live.  Since returning, I was pressured to get a job and then told to pay for everything myself that had to do with me.  I have run up a credit card bill---paying for medical bills and work clothes and other things. Because of my emotional state, I am now only working part time and can't pay my bills.

Main thing is how can we get out of this stupid marriage? How can I get a divorce? How can I afford to live on my own when I can't even pay my bills?  I am afraid of his coming home. I have given up---like I am dead. I used to be a nice person, but the anger and bitterness has taken over. I feel that God and everyone else thinks I am wrong in this situation and I am supposed to keep living this stupid life.

Watching a little of the show today: Kathleen's story really impacted me. I have felt like I might as well be dead and it would be good if someone ran over me. Life really stinks and I feel I am not a good mother anyway.  When my husband is here, (which he usually is), I don't have a say anyway. So....what is the point of living? I am not helping my children.  I feel that I am stuck in this stupid situation and therefore, what is the point of trying anymore?   SO depressed and hopeless.  No self-esteem;  but hey, I didn't have any all my life and then married someone that keeps putting me down. You think I am going to think good of myself? He'll be home anytime and I have to go back to being a nobody again.