Topic : Abuse

Thank you both for words of wisdom. Every insight I receive is good, it is keeping me going. 

I have an appt. to talk to my h. tommorow and my oldest daughter is going to watch the other 

2 while we talk. I am praying that God would give me the right words and also work on my husbands heart that he would come out of his denial for help that he needs to change his 

behavior and neuron loop pattern. I wrote my h. a note about what rage does to a child. I am reading 

a book called "The Developing Mind" and I read that a child feels terror when a parent rages. 

I gave that info to my h. in a note telling him I know he would not purposely hurt his kids but told him 

what rage does. My 12 yr. old daughter has been in cbt therapy for ocd for over a year and she's been getting worse.  The stress makes it worse. She already has terrifying thoughts w/ her illness 

and rage from her dad makes it worse. My oldest daughter moved back home for financial reasons 

and she doesn't feel peace when her dad is home. I want a peaceful home, but it doesn't feel peaceful. My h. wrote me back saying he hates his job, is worried about money and fixing stuff. That 

he loves me and the kids and we are the only people in his life that he cares about and he is sorry. 

I pray he will go to counseling, I have been asking him for years and he always says no and does 

not have good things to say about therapists. He has never in all this time ever even met the  

therapist that his daughter sees every week.  I can also speculate why my h. is the way he is, 

mabe he didn't get his emotional needs met when he was a child. He is not a good communicator 

and hates discussing problem solving for us, he just gets ancy and can't. I see his body tighten 

his face get red, his fists tighten and I don't know what I can do to help him.  I am trying to figure out 

boundaries and am co-dependent and am working on that. My oldest daughter is bipolar and 

an addict and she has been on and off sober.  I am now going on and on. Please God help my 

h change and if he won't show me how to do what I need to one day at a time. 

Thought it fit here...  Enjoy!  Q 

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. 

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. 

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. 

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. 

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. 

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. 

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. 

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. 

The only person you can control in a relationship is you. 

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? 

Always have your own set of friends separate from his. 

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. 

You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within. 

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. 

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. 

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. 

All men are NOT dogs. 

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street. 

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. 

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. 

My Ex put complete strangers up to threatening me and stalking, so I KNOW that you are anticipating things that COULD happen. 

Leaving IS scary all by itself and leaving an abusive man, is even MORE scary.  I oughta know. 

I ran away BOTH times.  I figured he'd blow like a volcano and I was right. 

SO... what you need to do is HEED your fear.  Understand that there are TWO kinds of fear.  1) The kind of fear you do something about and 2) the kind of fear that you can't do anything about.  For the first you can help minimize the fear by getting PREPARED. 

That is just 1 reason why i harp about a PLAN so much on this board.  You NEED a SAFETY plan, you need to reach out for support from safe friends and family so that you have a safe haven to go to.  I've post web site regarding plans and probable even posted to them to you -- if you don't find the info let me know and I'll post it again.   

You need to PREPARE for your PROTECTION.  The second time I ran away I went where i KNEW hubby couldn't find me and because I had kids, I took them with me.  Only when I knew he was served and when the lawyer talked him out of leaving the house, did I return.  The day I returned I had family with me for protection, I changed the locks, installed motion detectors, got a voice machine and started becoming VERY aware of my surroundings when I came and went from my home.  Eventually I moved to an apartment complex that had a security gate, guards, panic buttons.   

I got pepper spray, my sister loaned me a tazer (I gave it back because I was too afraid the kids would get hurt), I talked to a friend who was a black belt.  I did ALOT to take steps so I would not get hurt.  Most of the time it worked.  The one time he did get in was when I let my guard down. 

I lived with worry for a LONG time, but you know what, asmerelda, I lived through it.  I survived.  I became a stronger woman because of the CRAP I went through.   

I decided that I wouldn't BE DAMNED if I was going to let SOME MAN keep me DOWN, keep me from being who I WAS, and keep me from living MY life the way I wanted to live it.  I was NOT going to give away that right -- the right to happiness -- to ANYONE ELSE EVER AGAIN. 

It wasn't easy.  There was NOTHING easy about divorcing my Ex -- NOTHING.  He wanted a fight and he got what he wanted. 

But what he didn't get was... he didn't WIN the WAR and he didn't get ME!! 

I also understand you sense of shame for "getting with him" in the first place.  Odds are you settled.   

Do you know what I say to that??  SO WHAT?!?!  You know BETTER NOW.  So you can DO BETTER!! 

BRAVO on your reading!!  It really helped me!  I also did ALOT of other things that helped.  Face-to-face support groups, MORE books, counseling, good lawyers, wonderful friends and family... 

in the end, it was ME, MYSELF and I who did ALL the hard stuff! 

So it's okay to feel SOME shame, but USE IT to motivate you to GET OUT, then TOSS IT AWAY and when you look back you WILL have a sense of PRIDE for how far you've come! 

Your freedom is WORTH getting out -- I PROMISE YOU, it is WORTH IT!   

Q 

I think I'll stop by the health food store and pick some up for hubby -- he has a tough time staying asleep. 

Thanks for the tip!  Q 

Everyone needs help when in a marriage because "in a marriage there will be tribulations."  

There is a true beauty in a united, happy family.  Family life today, however, has come under severe pressures.  In some countries persons even ask, "Can the family survive?"  There is a free book called, "The Secret of Family Happiness" that I would like to give to interested ones.  This book is published to show that we have every reason for confidence in the success of the family arrangement.  It will point you to the finest source of counsel and guidance for solving family problems.  I sincerely hope it will contribute to the happiness of your family.  There are only two keys to a lasting and happy marriage; love and respect for one another.  Two imperfect people are coming together to live under the same roof to try to make a marriage "perfect".  Please remember that when times get tough, "in a marriage there will be tribulations."     

What ever the situation is in your marriage, do not be distressed.  For what is happening in your marriage is likely the same in others.  So don' t be discouraged.  There are ways to make the marriage work, even after 1 year or 30 years (or more)!  First know that domestice violence begins in the heart and mind; the way one acts begins with how one thinks.  (James 1:14, 15).  To stop the violence, whether pysical, emotional, or sexual, the abuser needs to transform his way of thinking.  Is that possible, you ask?  Yes.  God's Word has the power to change people.  It can uproot even "strongly entrenched" destructive views.  (2 Corinthians 10:4).  Accurate knowledge of the Bible principles for married couples can help produce so complete a change in people that they are said to put on a new personality.  "Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself."  (Ephesians 5:28).  The bible also says that a husband should assign his wife "honour as to a weaker vessel."  Wives are admonished "to love their husbands" and to have "deep respect" for them.  Surely no God-fearing husband can truthfully argue that he really honours his wife if he assaults her physically, verbally, or sexually.  And no wife who screams at her husband, addresses him sarcastically, or constantly scolds him can say that she truly loves and respects him.   The bible condems "enmities, strife,...fits of anger".  Therefore, anyone claiming to be a Christian who repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to violent fits of anger, perhaps including physical abuse of spouse or children, will not go without being punished.  If you need assistance in your marriage, then chapter 12 of this free book addresses the concern of overcoming damaging problems in a marriage. 

The mental and emotional makeup and the upbringing of each partner are different.  Couples often disagree and it takes time to address such matters, but take heart!  "God is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves."  Most married couples are able to face such problems and work out mutually acceptable solutions.  This shows that the coming together will actually become a complement of one another, highlighting one anothers strengths.  So it is not the time to give up, you've worked so hard to get to where you are now.  It is just time to improve.  If you feel broken at heart or need help to cope with the anxieties of your marriage, there is hope.  "God is near."  He understands how difficult your family situation is.  (1 Peter 5:6, 7).  The communication in a marriage is the most vital thing, yet the most hardest.   If you would like further assistance for your marriage, don't hesitate to inquire about the free book.  It will help you to recognize the problems and how to apply the solutions.  It will give great insight into your marriage and help mend it to make it even more than better.  Please let me know if this is of interest to you.   

  I can't believe it. I've been with my sons father for almost 5years ( he's not my husband and as of last week he's not my boyfriend, I moved out of his bedroom ) . He's always had a temper, every other word is f*** this and f*** that, nothing I do is right, I don't think, I could go on. Well, my point is I'm normaly a quite person, I don't rock the boat, as of last week I stood-up for my son and me. He is driving me nuts, he hasn't been sick in 2 years ( did I mention last year he told me he was dieing, that he didn't have long to live, this was in January 2004 ). Well all of a sudden he's dieing again, that if I leave he's going to lose everything, why am I doing this to him, what did he do or not due. 

We haven't gone out on a date since my son was born and hes 4 now, he doesn't like to go out because he can't smoke at a restaurantnt anymore. I guess today I just blu my top and told him its over, that I'll find away for my son and me, and he just won't listen, what can he do to change my mind, I said nothing, but he won't listen. If I could leave today I would, but I can't, like he said how am I going to get money. Sorry for going onlike this , but I needed to vent.