Topic : Abuse

I am so inspired by your courage! You are crossing all your 't's dotting all your 'i's GOOD FOR YOU!! :D:D:D

The only thing that grabbed me was this line:

"I finally did what I should have done years ago."

No regrets. My therapist told me, and the counselor when I called the hotline, dont think about how long it took to get there, thats self defeating. It doesnt matter. What matters is you are there.

I think everyone on this board understands, So proud!

I'm adding you to my prayer list (if that's ok) for safety and security of mind until the 28th, and after.

I've heard it said before, the time you leave is the most dangerous, but you went about this in such an organized and practical way, you should be fine. The police are aware of his shananigans.

Praying for you!

I'm truly sorry for all of your mental anguish and pain.  Living and dealing with an abuser day to day is beyond comprehension.

A thought for all of you - As I read all of your posts - I see a common thread between you.  Wherever your abuser is within the cycle of abuse (honeymoon - explosive, etc. etc) it has nothing to do with you.  Your abuser is doing whatever is necessary to maintain his POWER AND CONTROLover you.  It has nothing to do with his behavior - past or present.  He doesn't care if you are sad, mad, wounded, mentally exhausted - he is only concerned with his needs and wants.  While you are mulling over all the broken promises, the hurt feelings, the sexual demands - he is in his head trying to figure out his next move to keep you performing, and under control.  You must not allow yourself to think as a victim - you must empower yourself and keep focused on the issue!!!!  He is an abuser and without you he can no longer function as an abuser.  It has nothing to do with lost years in a marriage - hurt feelings - sadness - its all about power.
When you fall into the trap of reflecting about all the "could have been" and blaming yourself because now you are going to pull the plug and be responsible for the rest of the family being broken - you are essentially playing right into his hand. 

It has been many years since I lived with my abuser but it seems like yesterday.  His abusive dysfunctional behavior was like a cancer to every member of my core family.  I recall one episode in my past that would explain my point.  My mother somehow found the courage to leave her abuser and move out.  He begged and begged her to come back and she held her ground.  The school psychologist called my mother and requested a meeting with my parents because my younger brother was having problems in school.  How do you think the abuser handled that situation????  Manipulation of course!!!  He told my mother he would not attend the meeting at school until she moved back home!  He was not sad that his behavior pushed her out of the house!  He didn't care how his abuse impacted the entire family!  He wanted his victim back so he could continue the abuse - he missed having his power and control.

Hang tight - use every resource at your disposal - post here - reread your old posts - keep focused.  Have a plan - keep your eye on the ball - you can do it.  You can succeed.  You can get to a place where you can experience peace and serenity and not be controlled.

I pray for all of you!  My porch light is on.

Be peaceful.

Very Irish

As Pleasance can tell you -- this has been a long time coming. I never did the restraining to him before. So what a rude awakening that was to him.

By all means add me to your prayer list.

 

The police are siding with me so far and put it in the computer that very morning. I had good legal advice about going about this. We have an organization here called WEAVE  that is very helpful. they gave me a list called

THINGS TO DO:

Turn in restraining order application to clerk

 

Return to courthouse at a certain time to pick up signed temp order

 

Take 2 copies to sheriffs dept

 

Have him served with order as soon as possible

 

Get comleted proof of service from person who served him

 

Make 2 copies of completed proof of service form

 

File original and both copies of proof of service with courthouse

 

Attach proof of service copy to each copy of restraining order

 

Make extra copies of restraining order and proof of service forms as needed

 

Take a copy of restraining order and Proof of service form to Local Law Enforcement agencies,Place of employment, childrens school, daycare, if applicable.

 

Keep a copy of restraining order and completed proof of service with you at all times

 

Report all violations to Law Enforcement

 

Keep a journal of all interactions with him

 

Go TO YOUR HEARING

 

This is about you filing with the court on your own. Doesn't cost me anything this way.

But of course I'm lucky there are no children to protect.

 

Hope this helps someone

 

Huggs, Purrs, God Bless

Cybil

Im getting frustrated.

He called me, he hates the phone...

I dont even want to get into details, I just want to erase this 'incident' from my mind, like all the rest.

I just want him to go away. And why cant I just say that.

I hate this part of myself.

Im not taking him back. IM NOT.

But now he says he's coming over on Wednesday. And like the stupid little helpless idiot he is always implying I am, I couldnt say outright no.

*banging head against wall repeatedly*

I'm well, Good girl, thanks. There are no changes for me yet, but I think my job is safe for now ( I was worried for a while), so I am just waiting for an opportunity to end this joke of a marriage that I am still trapped in. I am still pretending everything is OK, just to keep the "peace" as much as possible, for the sake of the kids. He is OK for the most part, I think he is still afraid the I am going to leave him and not completely sure of himself anymore. He is still almost the same with the kids though: he can't stand them playing/running/being kids around him and he criticize them all the time. When I STOP him doing that (because I am not quiet anymore when it comes to the kids) he is all honey and says "sorry, I am tired and stressed from work, I won't do it again". I heard that a million times before. I am ready, confident, prepared. I will NOT fail next time as I did a few times before.

 

I am proud of all of you here and wish you all the best!

God Bless

 

JS

Hi...

 

You can't move forward is because you are still living in the past.

 

Think about it. What "other" relationship(s) did you have that felt exactly like this one??????  And how old were you and do you feel "ok" with it now??? If you think about this very closely, your man is representing someone/something from your past that you have not worked through yet. So you will continue to have to learn what that is. 

 

I think it has something to do with you need to feel loved, accepted and safe.

I know your feelings. It took me a long time to wake up. Your safety is the priority here. Ask yourself lots of questions:

1. Do I feel safe with him?

2. Can I fall asleep and not be afraid?

3. Are my children safe?

4. How will I protect the children and be safe?

5. How can I escape with the children safely?

 

Don't erase the incident from your mind. Let it be a reminder of why you want out and away from him. It sure helped me to remember everything that he did over the last 14 years, and finally say "NO MORE I AM SO COMPLETELY DONE WITH YOU". "I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU".

This time I am sticking to it. I want to feel happy and safe again.

 

You allow this because you still dream in your heart that he will change. Until you fully know in your heart (not just in your mind) that he is what he is and will not change, you will keep giving him chances.  When that total acceptance is achieved you will finally end it.

Don't bang head against wall.  Do not belittle yourself for this. Just remember and learn from each experience.

 

Thinking of you

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs

Cybil

Violence puts all individuals in physical and emotional jeopardy, especially children.  Children living in violent homes need to learn methods which will help them stay safe.  If you are returning home to a violent father, husband, boyfriend, or partner, it is important that your children understand survival skills.  The goals ion teaching survival skills to your children are:

 

1. That you lessen any feelings of guilt they may have by getting them to understand they are not the cause of the fighting between the adults.

 

2. Their personal safety is their primary responsibility.

 

Your children MUST realize that they cannot stop fighting between the adults and that it may be very dangerous for them to attempt to do so.  Instead, the children should be aware of safe places within the home, and if there are no safe places within the home, they need to know how to escape from the house and go to the home of a neighbor or friend.  Once they are safe, they can call someone to help.  AGAIN, emphasize to your children the importance of taking care of themselves by getting to a safe place and not becoming involved in the fight.

 

To teach survival skills means that children need to learn to answer these questions:

 

1. How do I know when I am safe and when I am not safe?

 

2. Where is it safe in my home?

 

3. Who can I talk to when I feel unsafe?

 

4. Where can I get help if I feel unsafe?

 

5. What can I do when I feel unsafe?

 

6. Who and how do I call for help?

 

Talk with your children about who they can call when they feel unsafe: a friend, relative, or other adult person who will help them.

 

Make sure your children understand the difference between emergencies and non-emergencies, and know who to call in each case.  For example, there is a difference between seeking emergency help from the police, or calling an ambulance, and non-emergency needs.

 

Teach them how to call 911 in an emergency and help them learn other important numbers to call when the situation is not an emergency.

 

Hope this helps some of you ladies with children. This comes from my support group called WEAVE (Women Escaping A Violent Environment). They give these handouts to every one.

 

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs

Cybil

 

Dont let this get you down-it is what they are master at.  We try to see the best in them and we listen to their words but really they use their words as weapons to hurt, manipulate and control. 

Strip away all the "noise" and the expectations everyone has for you, everyone! and what is left? 

Block everything out and what do YOU want? What is YOUR heart telling you?  And is it possible?

For so long I wanted him to change and I kept making excuses for him. Now after living years of hurt and pain I realize that his words mean nothing.  You have been so busy taking care of everyone else but you have forgotten to take care of yourself. It happened to me and now that I asked myself what is MY JOY-my children, what is my pain-H.  Its to bad we cant just waive the wand and "poof" things are better, but I believe it takes more energy to stay living like thisthan it takes to get out.

Since Ive said I wanted to split up his moods are as unpredictable as before.  He tried his threats which use to make me stay, put me down to Buying me gifts and leaving notes. He Keeps trying to get me to commit that I will try to work it out again.  To follow through with separating this is my emotional plan:

#1. What Do I want deep down in my core? Happiness

#2. I am not responsible for his feelings-he has to deal with his feelings as I have my own emotions about this to.  He will not guilt me with his "emotions". So I'm just gonna deal with me!!  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIS FEELINGS-THEY ARE HIS!!! dont let him guilt you

#3.When I think about trying again, I think about how empty I feel about this him. I blame my low self image, low self worth on him.   Why allow him to touch me, hug me and act like things are fine.  I have been doing this for a while to "keep the peace" until I was ready and Its degrading.  I vision the fake act and it makes my stomach sick. We have to be TRUE to ourselves..

#4.I think of all the comments and inconsiderate selfish behaviors/words he has said to me over the years and think OK this is acceptable in his world-how can I hurt his feelings if he thinks its acceptable to do this.  SO  I tell him everything, EVERYTHING  I think about him and how he has treated us, his family. I would never imagined I would say some of the stuff I did to him-I dont like hurting people. Im calm when I say it.

#5. Faith!

So everytime he throws a curve ball I think of these for and it keeps me focused.

 

Its hard because of course he twists words around and it always comes back on me so I now make statements.  When he trys to "cross examine" our conversations I say "Not going there" and then repeat the statement.. Not up for discussion.  I treat him like Im disciplining a 3or4 year old-Maybe my mistake is that I didnt treat him like that from the start..lol

The worst thing Ive experienced since I figured out my 5 "live by list" is that when he started crying and playing with the kids emotions my oldest is angry with me- So of course I thought I can fix this by staying in this marriage but then I thought of #5 Faith.  I have to trust that some time he will realize that I made this choice as I thought it was the right choice, for US.

I feel very cold towards him and sad at the same time.

Dont Be hard on yourself-You are incredible, just listen and be true to yourself.  Take care of you physically and emotionally.  Your child needs you to be strong. You know your not living the life you intended-you just need to have patience but Dont second guess yourself and DON'T stop believing in your self. 

 

And I hate myself...Cuz I spoke to him today but I couldnt bring myself to say NO.

I wanted to, but I couldnt say the words.

I am really not loving myself today.