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Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

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July 29, 2005, 2:07 pm CDT

Hi GAK!

Quote From: gaktstoner

I hope this posts-this is the first time I am using the "new & improved" (???) format.  I totally can relate to what you have said.  I haven't talked about my abuse for many years mostly because I was in denial and embarrassed.  Now, I am surprised by how many people saw the abuse I suffered and some of the people that don't understand the abuse.  I sometimes feel like because I don't have outward scars, people think I am not being abused or that it's "not that bad".  That's their ignorance.  Abuse is bad no matter what kind it is.  It is very hard facing the fact that I have been abused and my identity had been stripped away.  I am trying to find employment and get out this marriage but things don't happen overnight.  Hey, the abuse didn't just happen over night either!  You realize the situation you are in and you are taking steps to get out so I don't think you are a victim any longer!  Hang in there & livestrong!

It's good to read that you still hanging in there.

 

I've been really worried about you with the message board being down.  I've been thinking about you and hoping you are holding your own.

 

Q

 
July 30, 2005, 8:29 am CDT

HI Q!

I've been wondering how you have been while the boards were down!  I forgot to write down your e-mail and then POOF! the boards were down!  I'm doing ok.  It's still the same stuff just different days.  My h is a bicycling enthusiast, so he had been glued to the tv watching the tour de france.  Last weekend on the tours last day, he was sitting in our 3 season room watching the tour.  he came into the family where the kids were playing and told them to turn on the tv to watch lance win his 7th race.  Then he went back out to the 3 season room to watch it by himself!  Also like when my son had summer hockey practice the other night.  My h took our daughter home so she didn't have to stay at the rink.  Well, when my son and I arrived home at 9pm, she was watching tv and asked to be fed because she was hungry and her father hadn't fed her.  He was out in that 3 season room watching tv!  he hasn't changed and that keeps me going forward.  But every time I want to do something with the kids, he whines to his lawyer that I am alienating them from him.  He just doens't want us to do anything, he likes us sitting here at home so he can watch our every move.  I offered two night a week and every other weekend to him and he wont' budge.  Looks like if we don't agree by august 25th, we're going to trial.  My lawyer is confident we'll "win"  but I am nervous and scared of him-I've never stood up to him and felt like I've accomplished anything.  Oh well, I'm just rambling, sorry.  Thanks for writing to me! :)
 
July 30, 2005, 4:59 pm CDT

Hey figuritout

Don't let it bother you.  There will always be people that don't understand your situation.  It's not like you can get into every detail anyway & it's none of their business as well.  You are doing what you think is best - that's what matters!  Just trust yourself!  We were all victims at one time here on this board. 

 

My thoughts on being a "victim" - to me a victim is someone who is being taken unfair advantage of.  They may or may not realize it is happening.  I think that a true victim is one who does not know or who knows & doesn't do anything about it.  You are neither!  You are a survivor!  You are surviving, learning, & growing more & more everyday!  You are doing what you can to change your situation - this takes time.  It also takes time to heal. 

 

Give yourself a break & don't let another's lack of understanding or compassion doubt yourself.  You will have just as many people (maybe more!) who are sympathetic to your situation - people that count!  Stay strong!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

 
August 1, 2005, 1:14 am CDT

I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 4 in the morning.  I can't sleep.  Don't know what to do!!!!!!  Last night my one daughter that's living with me temporarily because her marriage is falling apart punched my other daughter in the mouth!!!!  Daughter S has braces!  Daughter A moved 4 TEETH & we need to go to the dentist 1st thing in the morning to see if the teeth can be saved & if everything will be OK!  I told A that she would have to leave the house before the end of this day!!!!!!!!  S is at her sister's house for the night.  Short of a restraining order - which I'm trying to avoid, what can I do!!!!!!!  There is a 3 year old involved.  I am worried about what will happen with him.  A says she will have to live in her car.  I told her that I would call the police & child protective services if she did that! 

 

I gave A a chance to get her life back together here.  She has MANY problems emotionally & is seeing a therapist. I talked to A's husband about the situation.  I told him that I do not want to get the police involved if we can avoid it but I will do what I have to to protect little G!!!  I don't know where A is going to go.  At the moment, it doesn't look like her H would take her back home. 

 

So many things going through my mind.  I know the pitfalls!!  I can't allow this to give me doubts about my own situation.  I can't allow myself to blame myself for the abuse of MY past & how it all has affected my kids!! 

 

I DO want to say that if you think you can protect or shield your kids from the affects of abuse - YOU CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  These kids are 22 & 19!!!  The 22 year old should have known better - she learned too many lessons from her father!  My other girls (I have 4 total) are doing good with minimal "damage" from the past abuse.  The 22 year old is affected the most.  They are all girls.  I love ALL my daughters with all my heart.  What else can I do!!!!!!!  I have to let this go just like I had to let everything else in my life go.  I have to let God handle the situation beyond this point.  It's just so hard!  God Bless - LS   

 
August 1, 2005, 1:19 pm CDT

Newbee

 Hi all, I can relate some with many of you. I have been married 18 years and have a 5 year old son. Early on, the hubby ran the relationship with his anger and disapproval, I was young and hopeful, and walked on eggshells for a long time, my feelings slowly died, as did I inside. As life became stable, and I approached my mid thirties, we seemed better, he could laugh stuff off rather than get mad or pout, so I thought is would be safe to have kids. So for 5 years I have been a mom at home.

When my son was 9 mos. old, I was diagnosed with MS. Big surprise I would get a disease where my own immune system eats at my nerves. But that allowed me to address my anxiety and depression. With prescriptions and therapy, I have gotten much stronger. Of course, with the added stress of parenting, the hubby has reverted to trying to run things with his dissatisfaction.
Now I listen daily to criticisms, nags and complaints. If I tell him I don't like listening to his negativity, he says I don't communicate, I don't compliment or appreciate him. He says he is the only one who tries, who changes and who makes any effort. Any complaint of mine is met with accusations that I think I am perfect.

Obviously he is insecure, but I am not sure why. He is a big, tall man, hardworking and admired by his peers, but he has an intense need for perfection, he keeps score, finds fault and relishes the mistakes and misfortunes of others. I definitely feel like he is competing with me whether I play or not. Anyone would not appreciate living with the stress he puts out, but with my MS, it can have serious health effects. I have told him so, but again with the games of how only he tries, and I think I am perfect.

Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. I definitely used to be a doormat, but have changed that. He still tries like heck to get me to cave into the old ways. I got him to go to counseling for a while, but money issues put that to a halt. And in the end, he only took from it how he thought I needed to change. He says he has no problems by himself, just with me.

Also, he has begun nagging our son to be perfect. To perform with being told once. He gets upset when my son chooses me for an activity. He questions my son as to why he wants mom and not dad. He seems to look to my son now to validate his worth. What a burden for a 5 year old! I have told him he needs to be the adult, but he pouts.

So, now what do I do? Do I leave? Does staying tell him his behavior is ok? Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done? I don't want to live like this. His moods suck the life out of me, but I hate to break up my son's home. He has many good qualities, hardworking, reliable, faithful. If there is something I can do to turn this around, I'd like to try. I know I can't make him change, can't make him get treatment for what seems to be a depression of his own, but I feel like I haven't tried everything. Dr. Phil says people leave to easily, so have I earned my way out yet? Shall I tell him to get help or I leave? Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help?

I am tired of the round and round. Any words of wisdom?

M.

 
August 1, 2005, 7:04 pm CDT

Allowing abuse to occur is never the answer

Quote From: lsforls

It's 4 in the morning.  I can't sleep.  Don't know what to do!!!!!!  Last night my one daughter that's living with me temporarily because her marriage is falling apart punched my other daughter in the mouth!!!!  Daughter S has braces!  Daughter A moved 4 TEETH & we need to go to the dentist 1st thing in the morning to see if the teeth can be saved & if everything will be OK!  I told A that she would have to leave the house before the end of this day!!!!!!!!  S is at her sister's house for the night.  Short of a restraining order - which I'm trying to avoid, what can I do!!!!!!!  There is a 3 year old involved.  I am worried about what will happen with him.  A says she will have to live in her car.  I told her that I would call the police & child protective services if she did that! 

 

I gave A a chance to get her life back together here.  She has MANY problems emotionally & is seeing a therapist. I talked to A's husband about the situation.  I told him that I do not want to get the police involved if we can avoid it but I will do what I have to to protect little G!!!  I don't know where A is going to go.  At the moment, it doesn't look like her H would take her back home. 

 

So many things going through my mind.  I know the pitfalls!!  I can't allow this to give me doubts about my own situation.  I can't allow myself to blame myself for the abuse of MY past & how it all has affected my kids!! 

 

I DO want to say that if you think you can protect or shield your kids from the affects of abuse - YOU CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  These kids are 22 & 19!!!  The 22 year old should have known better - she learned too many lessons from her father!  My other girls (I have 4 total) are doing good with minimal "damage" from the past abuse.  The 22 year old is affected the most.  They are all girls.  I love ALL my daughters with all my heart.  What else can I do!!!!!!!  I have to let this go just like I had to let everything else in my life go.  I have to let God handle the situation beyond this point.  It's just so hard!  God Bless - LS   

Allowing abuse is never the answer. If your daughter that is having marital problems, knowing she has no other place to go, can't control herself long enough while staying at your house, no wonder she is having problems in her marriage.

The one that is married, has had her chance, and she blew it. The daughter that was struck, was struck in the safety of her own home. You need to get the abusive daughter out of your house, and out of harms way of your daughter that still resides in your home, even if that means living in her car. I am sure there are shelters somewhere in the area, and if she stayed a few nights in one of those, it may wake her up enough to calm her butt down, and act like a human being. There is NEVER a valid reason for violence, unless it is protecting your life, your families life, or your "castle. I don't think any of those apply in your case.

Your daughter has committed battery on her sister. This is not just sibling squabble at this point. If she is mature enough to assume the roll of spouse, she should be mature enough to keep her hands to herself. Do you really need the extra stress? I hope this helps

 
August 1, 2005, 7:09 pm CDT

Check out in the archives of "Realgood2U"

Quote From: mouser4

 Hi all, I can relate some with many of you. I have been married 18 years and have a 5 year old son. Early on, the hubby ran the relationship with his anger and disapproval, I was young and hopeful, and walked on eggshells for a long time, my feelings slowly died, as did I inside. As life became stable, and I approached my mid thirties, we seemed better, he could laugh stuff off rather than get mad or pout, so I thought is would be safe to have kids. So for 5 years I have been a mom at home.

When my son was 9 mos. old, I was diagnosed with MS. Big surprise I would get a disease where my own immune system eats at my nerves. But that allowed me to address my anxiety and depression. With prescriptions and therapy, I have gotten much stronger. Of course, with the added stress of parenting, the hubby has reverted to trying to run things with his dissatisfaction.
Now I listen daily to criticisms, nags and complaints. If I tell him I don't like listening to his negativity, he says I don't communicate, I don't compliment or appreciate him. He says he is the only one who tries, who changes and who makes any effort. Any complaint of mine is met with accusations that I think I am perfect.

Obviously he is insecure, but I am not sure why. He is a big, tall man, hardworking and admired by his peers, but he has an intense need for perfection, he keeps score, finds fault and relishes the mistakes and misfortunes of others. I definitely feel like he is competing with me whether I play or not. Anyone would not appreciate living with the stress he puts out, but with my MS, it can have serious health effects. I have told him so, but again with the games of how only he tries, and I think I am perfect.

Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. I definitely used to be a doormat, but have changed that. He still tries like heck to get me to cave into the old ways. I got him to go to counseling for a while, but money issues put that to a halt. And in the end, he only took from it how he thought I needed to change. He says he has no problems by himself, just with me.

Also, he has begun nagging our son to be perfect. To perform with being told once. He gets upset when my son chooses me for an activity. He questions my son as to why he wants mom and not dad. He seems to look to my son now to validate his worth. What a burden for a 5 year old! I have told him he needs to be the adult, but he pouts.

So, now what do I do? Do I leave? Does staying tell him his behavior is ok? Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done? I don't want to live like this. His moods suck the life out of me, but I hate to break up my son's home. He has many good qualities, hardworking, reliable, faithful. If there is something I can do to turn this around, I'd like to try. I know I can't make him change, can't make him get treatment for what seems to be a depression of his own, but I feel like I haven't tried everything. Dr. Phil says people leave to easily, so have I earned my way out yet? Shall I tell him to get help or I leave? Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help?

I am tired of the round and round. Any words of wisdom?

M.

She has a lot in common with you, and would be a great support. Your son has no protection except for you.

 Many people deal daily with MS, and don't allow their children to be physically or mentally abused. My heart goes out to you, and your son, but you must stand your ground.

Seek legal counsel, and get your husband removed from your household,  and a restraining order, until he is in counseling. My father was extremely jealous of me while I was growing up, and was very abusive. I would be in a panic when my mother was gone somewhere, and I was left alone with my father. I was afraid to say much to my mother, in fear of what would happen the next time she was gone and I was alone with him.

Later in life we made our peace, which I was glad we did, but that didn't stop the fear I lived with as a child. I hope this helps. Good luck.

 
August 2, 2005, 7:35 am CDT

Q

last night we had a counseling session with the court appointed guy.  he called my h in and talked to him alone for 45 minutes then talked to the two children together for about 8 minutes.  we left there and went straight to my daughters cheer practice.  my h was agitated and he was most unhappy when i asked him to take our son home that i would stay with our d.  he phoned me and asked to speak to our d.  i said i can't interupt her cheer practice so he asked me what she wouldllike from micky ds since i didn't go grocery shopping.  i said there was only 42 dollars int he checking i could not go food shopping.  an hour later when cheer was over and my d and i got home, she started to cry bc her food was cold (she is 10). i tried to calm her down and my h started saying that she was a ridiculous fool and so was i.  she started to cry more and screamed that her dad hates her.  he said if she wants to play mind games, so bei it. if she thinks he hates her well then that's how she feels and he can't do anything about it.  i then stepped in and said to him that he was abusing her and i won't let her hear anymore of it and that he was abusing our son bc he was witnessing it.  i told the kids to get in the car and we left.  i went to mickey ds and called d.v.  they wanted to put us in a shelter for the night.  i called him and said i called dv and don't need to put the kids in that siutation at home, is it safe or do i need a police escort to take us home to get some stuff.  he daid he didn't do anything wrong and didn't abuse his d and i had no reason not to feel safe.  anywho, we went home and the kids slpe with me, they were still upset & frightened.  today i called my therapist and left two messages with the therapist we saw last night and my lawyer won't be in until after 1:30.  i am very upset and frightened.  i don't know what to do................thanks, gak :(
 
August 2, 2005, 8:36 am CDT

Hey Gak...

Quote From: gaktstoner

I've been wondering how you have been while the boards were down!  I forgot to write down your e-mail and then POOF! the boards were down!  I'm doing ok.  It's still the same stuff just different days.  My h is a bicycling enthusiast, so he had been glued to the tv watching the tour de france.  Last weekend on the tours last day, he was sitting in our 3 season room watching the tour.  he came into the family where the kids were playing and told them to turn on the tv to watch lance win his 7th race.  Then he went back out to the 3 season room to watch it by himself!  Also like when my son had summer hockey practice the other night.  My h took our daughter home so she didn't have to stay at the rink.  Well, when my son and I arrived home at 9pm, she was watching tv and asked to be fed because she was hungry and her father hadn't fed her.  He was out in that 3 season room watching tv!  he hasn't changed and that keeps me going forward.  But every time I want to do something with the kids, he whines to his lawyer that I am alienating them from him.  He just doens't want us to do anything, he likes us sitting here at home so he can watch our every move.  I offered two night a week and every other weekend to him and he wont' budge.  Looks like if we don't agree by august 25th, we're going to trial.  My lawyer is confident we'll "win"  but I am nervous and scared of him-I've never stood up to him and felt like I've accomplished anything.  Oh well, I'm just rambling, sorry.  Thanks for writing to me! :)

Didn't I TELL you he hasn't changed?  AND he isn't going to -- not in the long run.

 

Regarding his neglect of the children, I hope you are keep your journal.

 

You aren't alienating your kids.  You are just doing what you always have -- taking care of them.

 

You WILL win, GAK.  There is NO WAY you can't win.  It's opkay to be nervous and scared -- that's VERY normal.  I was PETRIFIED EVERY time I went to court.  Not only that I'd lose but also that he would make good on all his threats.

 

This situation will make you a stronger woman.  It did for me!  Q

 
August 2, 2005, 8:49 am CDT

Hi LJ...

Quote From: lsforls

It's 4 in the morning.  I can't sleep.  Don't know what to do!!!!!!  Last night my one daughter that's living with me temporarily because her marriage is falling apart punched my other daughter in the mouth!!!!  Daughter S has braces!  Daughter A moved 4 TEETH & we need to go to the dentist 1st thing in the morning to see if the teeth can be saved & if everything will be OK!  I told A that she would have to leave the house before the end of this day!!!!!!!!  S is at her sister's house for the night.  Short of a restraining order - which I'm trying to avoid, what can I do!!!!!!!  There is a 3 year old involved.  I am worried about what will happen with him.  A says she will have to live in her car.  I told her that I would call the police & child protective services if she did that! 

 

I gave A a chance to get her life back together here.  She has MANY problems emotionally & is seeing a therapist. I talked to A's husband about the situation.  I told him that I do not want to get the police involved if we can avoid it but I will do what I have to to protect little G!!!  I don't know where A is going to go.  At the moment, it doesn't look like her H would take her back home. 

 

So many things going through my mind.  I know the pitfalls!!  I can't allow this to give me doubts about my own situation.  I can't allow myself to blame myself for the abuse of MY past & how it all has affected my kids!! 

 

I DO want to say that if you think you can protect or shield your kids from the affects of abuse - YOU CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  These kids are 22 & 19!!!  The 22 year old should have known better - she learned too many lessons from her father!  My other girls (I have 4 total) are doing good with minimal "damage" from the past abuse.  The 22 year old is affected the most.  They are all girls.  I love ALL my daughters with all my heart.  What else can I do!!!!!!!  I have to let this go just like I had to let everything else in my life go.  I have to let God handle the situation beyond this point.  It's just so hard!  God Bless - LS   

That is SO FAR beyond acceptable -- I am speechless.

 

So are you saying that you asked her to leave the home?  Or has she moved out?

 

I would NOT just let go of this situation. 

 

I'd be having a REALLY serious talk with your abusive daughter.  I would make her understand that what she did is ASSAULT and BATTERY and she COULD go to JAIL!  Heck maybe she ought to go to JAIL!  I think the best thing for her may be natural consequences.  It may be a great lesson for HER to live in her car.  I might even go so far as to say the I would be willing to keep her son while she lives in the car if she can't be a civil, decent human being.  I don't care how many emotional problems she has -- wrong is wrong. 

 

Don't blame your self for HER actions.  You and hubby did teach your kids to be victims/abusers, BUT they are ADULTS now and they know right from wrong. 

 

If I were your grandsons' Dad, I wouldn't take her back either and her son may be better of with his Dad while his Mom is homeless.  It's not like she can't come visit her son. 

 

Sheesh -- unbelievable. 

 

Try not to let the guilt eat away at you.  You did better when you knew better.  Your eldest is going to have some tough lessons to learn -- better that it happen now with family than with some stranger who could cause ALOT MORE harm to her or your grandchild.

 

I know it's tough.  Q

 

 

 
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