Quote From: mouser4 Hi all, I can relate some with many of you. I have been married 18 years and have a 5 year old son. Early on, the hubby ran the relationship with his anger and disapproval, I was young and hopeful, and walked on eggshells for a long time, my feelings slowly died, as did I inside. As life became stable, and I approached my mid thirties, we seemed better, he could laugh stuff off rather than get mad or pout, so I thought is would be safe to have kids. So for 5 years I have been a mom at home.
When my son was 9 mos. old, I was diagnosed with MS. Big surprise I would get a disease where my own immune system eats at my nerves. But that allowed me to address my anxiety and depression. With prescriptions and therapy, I have gotten much stronger. Of course, with the added stress of parenting, the hubby has reverted to trying to run things with his dissatisfaction.
Now I listen daily to criticisms, nags and complaints. If I tell him I don't like listening to his negativity, he says I don't communicate, I don't compliment or appreciate him. He says he is the only one who tries, who changes and who makes any effort. Any complaint of mine is met with accusations that I think I am perfect.
Obviously he is insecure, but I am not sure why. He is a big, tall man, hardworking and admired by his peers, but he has an intense need for perfection, he keeps score, finds fault and relishes the mistakes and misfortunes of others. I definitely feel like he is competing with me whether I play or not. Anyone would not appreciate living with the stress he puts out, but with my MS, it can have serious health effects. I have told him so, but again with the games of how only he tries, and I think I am perfect.
Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. I definitely used to be a doormat, but have changed that. He still tries like heck to get me to cave into the old ways. I got him to go to counseling for a while, but money issues put that to a halt. And in the end, he only took from it how he thought I needed to change. He says he has no problems by himself, just with me.
Also, he has begun nagging our son to be perfect. To perform with being told once. He gets upset when my son chooses me for an activity. He questions my son as to why he wants mom and not dad. He seems to look to my son now to validate his worth. What a burden for a 5 year old! I have told him he needs to be the adult, but he pouts.
So, now what do I do? Do I leave? Does staying tell him his behavior is ok? Do I make a plan like the others on this board have done? I don't want to live like this. His moods suck the life out of me, but I hate to break up my son's home. He has many good qualities, hardworking, reliable, faithful. If there is something I can do to turn this around, I'd like to try. I know I can't make him change, can't make him get treatment for what seems to be a depression of his own, but I feel like I haven't tried everything. Dr. Phil says people leave to easily, so have I earned my way out yet? Shall I tell him to get help or I leave? Leave and tell him I'll come back if he gets help?
I am tired of the round and round. Any words of wisdom?
M.
She has a lot in common with you, and would be a great support. Your son has no protection except for you.
Many people deal daily with MS, and don't allow their children to be physically or mentally abused. My heart goes out to you, and your son, but you must stand your ground.
Seek legal counsel, and get your husband removed from your household, and a restraining order, until he is in counseling. My father was extremely jealous of me while I was growing up, and was very abusive. I would be in a panic when my mother was gone somewhere, and I was left alone with my father. I was afraid to say much to my mother, in fear of what would happen the next time she was gone and I was alone with him.
Later in life we made our peace, which I was glad we did, but that didn't stop the fear I lived with as a child. I hope this helps. Good luck.
