Topic : Abuse

Hi everyone 

  

About 5 months ago I finally ended my marriage.  My husband moved out after 10 years of constant emotional abuse.  I used to log on as Mandi_33 and posted here over a year ago.  Well it was really hard at the start and I cried almost constantly even though I knew it was the best thing for myself and my children.  I took it day by day, sometimes hour by hour and although I felt lonely and scared of the unknown future a lot I really did begin to enjoy the peace. 

  

He started phoning me and dropping around .  Usually to abuse me a bit more!  Then he seemed to get depressed, he lost his job, had no money, nowhere to live and was talking of suicide.  That sucked me straight back in and I ended up letting him stay with me.   Even as I let this happen I knew it was a big mistake.  I can't believe I was so stupid, I really do know better than that but I can't even explain why I felt the need to help him.  He NEVER helped me and the kids when we needed it.    He would come over and threaten to kill me and then he would cry and apologise and I would feel sorry for HIM!! 

  

That started a couple of weeks ago and now he is back to the pig he always was.  This morning I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I wanted him to leave again.  He just nodded (he really doesn't care what I say to him).  He has gone away for the weekend and I have asked him to not return until monday when I am at work and to collect his things then and leave. 

  

I don't know what will happen when he returns.  I just feel so stupid now, I got through the heartache of ending my marriage and now i'm going to have to go through it all again.  What on earth made me be such a sucker??? 

  

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get this off my chest before I go to work. 

  

  

i think my husband may be abusive to me but i love him.  He puts me down.   He calls me a bitch.  the other night he held his hands around my neck as i tried to get them off and when he finally took them off i was scared and shaking and crying. he got mad at me crying and called me a psychobitch. Then he told me don't ever talk again as long as i live here. well that was a week ago. he broke up with me for 2 days at that time.  I still love him . we got back to gether. Now he is nicer but still gets angry and yells alot.  I have 3 girls that live here with us- they are my daughters from my first marriage.  we do not have anywhere to go.  and i really do love him. but i wonder why i love a man who treats me like this.  He tells me I'm a bad housewife. i am not sure why. I work. the kids do the chores. I come home from work and fix everyone's dinner. so i can't figure out why i am a bad housewife.  I am having extreme anxiety from all of this.  i want things to be better , but you  can't change someone else.  my heart is broken because he has a good heart but lately his heart seems cold.

What a relief! 

  

Good luck on the job hunt. 

  

Thanks for checking in!  We worry.  Q 

Sometimes joint custody suck, doesn't it?   

  

It certainly wasn't going to work for me -- so I went back to court.  It was a nasty fight.  But I won. 

  

I don't know that I'd recommend going back to court unless your situation is completely unlivable. 

  

During the first year or so after the divorce, my Ex was STILL abusive and he caused a lot of damage.  Six mos after the divorce I decided to take him back to court.  This came after he did some jail time for acting out. 

  

The sad thing, to me, was that all the drama and bad CRAP just didn't have to be.  Trouble was he wanted a fight.  My Ex thought he was above everything and everybody... but I will tell you that the kind of effort he put into behaving like an ass was monumental -- not very many people can keep up that kind of animosity indefinitely.  Lucky for me, the Ex got a girlfriend and she put an end to most of his antics. 

  

As for brainwashing the kids... you are not EVER going to be able to make him be the man/father you need him to be.  He is who is he.   

  

We came up with some rules at our household to help with that.  First we NEVER spoke about the Ex or the other household.  Nothing good and nothing bad.  I encouraged the kids to give me ONLY the need to know info.  And I stopped all communication with the Ex and went through the girlfriend via email.  Before that it was through the US post office. 

  

So consider whatever steps you can take to make YOUR LIFE simpler, easier and less chaotic having to deal with "he said/she said".  I did that by not allowing those kinds of discussions. 

  

I also began reconnecting with me and figuring out that regardless of what his family thought or whatever lies were told them -- AND the lies he tried to spread to my friends and family -- that I was a good person  and my BEST revenge was to have a happy life. 

  

I set about doing just that!   

  

You can too.  Q 

Don't feel stupid.  You ARE NOT STUPID. 

  

In fact, the EXACT OPPOSITE.  Don't do what your abuser has done to you.  Don't tell yourself those lies. 

  

Your abuser was a PRO at suckering you.  You had a big heart and lots of compassion -- he used that to HIS advantage. 

  

So NOW you know better.  And because that you can DO better. 

  

The peace you knew will COME BACK -- and you can close this chapter on your life and MOVE ON to a better one. 

  

Just remember that there was a reason you attracted this guy in the first place, learn the RED FLAGS and learn how you got suckered and then NEVER let it happen again. 

  

BRAVO for getting him OUT!!!  Q 

Thankyou for your advice and stories I much appreciate it.  TONIGHT was a good night.  My Ex just spent the week with his sister (the meanest one....  There are 3 of them and this one is the controller.)  Needless to say WE GOT INTO A HUGE FIGHT TONIGHT just hours ago which actually turned out to the good.  He went out driving in a snowstorm.  DUH!  But after threats threats threats and how he is going to take my kids.  I stood my ground and told him to move out!  Anyway I called our Pastor's wife tonight who I just opened up to this past Sunday and talked to her about our divorce.  I love my church.  Both she and her husband came from such good families which is good.  Anyway when he left I called her for the first time and we talked.  She was really ok about everything and offered us some of the ministers in the church to try to act as MEDIATOR which I am happy about.  I hope this works because it would be the preferred way rather than dealing with the courts but we'll see.  I do think I try to be fair.  I mean I am trying to be.....  his comprehension of fair is he gets everything and anything he thinks of.... SO maybe these men will help him to think rationally.  Maybe.   .... but I have hesitated to talk to church because they want you in Marriage Counselling.  I made it clear Sunday that it is Divorce care and not Marriage Counselling that is needed.  So another step perhaps in a good direction.....

Thanks for all the info. and recommendations you's gave to me!  I will read the book and also check out the site!  And I will certainly take a different direction ahead of me with the new information!  I hope to then catch up on the messgae boards with a renewed ME ~ and let you's know how it goes from there!  Thanks again!  Christi

  I'm not sure I am posting this request in the best place.

I work at a batterer intervention (BI) program.  I'm writing a grant proposal for funding to explore, and hopefully to start, monthly judicial oversight of people court-ordered to participate in batterer treatment.  According to one of the leading researchers in this area, monthly court oversight is one of few correlated factors to recidivism rates.

Plain English -  People are usually ordered for BI evaluation and/or treatment if they plead guilty or are convicted of a domestic violence assault.  People in counties with oversight re-offend less.  We can guess the oversight process keeps perpetrators on track or makes them take treatment more seriously.  I want this in our county. 

I was a victim, usually work with victims, and still consider myself a victim advocate.  I want to talk with people - law enforcement, victims, anyone - who has dealt with court oversight firsthand.  IF YOU ARE A VICTIM, PLEASE TAKE ALL PRECAUTIONS.  My email is on my profile, or you can email me at cindyifca@my180.net .  IFCA is Institute of Forensic Counseling and Assessment.  Thanks, Cindy

 and this was an answer about defining  that might be clarify:

 Labelfree, sorry, victims of domestic violence.  There are two important definitions - first, the vicims' definition, and I in no way will seek to define someone else's experience.  Legally, the definitions vary from state to state,and IMO, are not the most important.  A general working definition may be actions, in whatever form, sometimes only a look, that is meant to intimidate and/or control.

But few victims actually have legal remedies.  I want to talk to DV victims whose batterer has been under a monthly court reporting system.  I want to know, from people affected, what did and did not work for them.

I wasn't sure if you meant defiantly, or it was a mistype from definitely.  I'm pretty sure about the money, too, but do not want to waste any of it, and so want input from people who really know.

BRAVO on calling your pastor's wife!!  There are many, many pastors that have training in marital counseling so they know how to try and reach middle ground -- that will probably be very useful if your s-t-b-Ex agrees to mediation. 

  

BRAVO on standing your ground too!  No one can do that for you -- I bet you were pretty proud of yourself too, huh?  You should make that MORE of a habit. 

  

At first my Ex refused mediation.  I wanted to use our counselor; he didn't.  My counselor said, "All he wants is a fight."  Boy was he ever right.  Eventually toward the end he asked the court to mandate mediation but at that point I was WAY past negotiation.  The only thing he was insisting on was phone calls to my house anytime he wanted -- NO WAY! 

  

As for being fair, I was astounded at how my Ex completely believed that I was entitled to nothing of the marital property and he was entitled to it all -- the property division at court was just unbelievable. 

  

My best advice for making your own decisions is this:  Do not agree to anything that you can not live with long term. 

  

My Ex made all kinds of threats too -- and because you never really know the depths someone can sink too -- I took his threats very seriously and I acted on them in my own best interest. 

  

I totally wanted a civil divorce using mediation, but that is not what I ended up with.  He pushed, and pushed, and pushed until I could no longer bend any further backward. 

  

So think about YOUR life and your limits. 

  

I am glad you have your church to lean on.  I reconnected with mine during the divorce and I always came away with something useful from the sermons for my life.  I know you will too. 

  

If you think you are being fair -- that's ALL that matters.  BRAVO!  Good luck on mediation.  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!  Let us know how things go and if we can help. Q