Topic : Abuse

That doesn’t mean hubby is right to place that kind of burden on a 5YO! though.  I do think kids do need high standards but a standard that is TOO high will crush a child’s spirit because he can never achieve it.  So I would ask – is there a balance?

My rules for whether to voice my opinions/feelings and set boundaries regarding my kids are these -  Health, Safety, Emotional well-being.

If something is happening the jeopardizes the health of my kids, I step in.

If something is jeopardizing their safety, I step in.

If something is harming their emotional wellbeing, I step in.

Stepping in may require going through Hell and back too.  Doesn’t matter.  I have to do what I think is the right thing for my kids.

So, from where I’m sitting, you are doing what any prudent parent would do.  It may very well undermine hubby’s authority, but when what he is doing is damaging, you can’t just sit idly by.

With that said, I also believe in choosing my battles.  With my Ex it was extremely tough to set boundaries because he had little intention of honoring them.  So when I went to battle over an issue I needed to be prepared to go to war.  Too much war in the household also harmed my kids.  I waited WAY too long to leave – but there were reasons I stayed.  In hindsight I would have stayed gone the FIRST time I left the Ex.

As far as hubby’s need to be right, I can hear the good ‘ol doc now, “Do you want to be right or do you want to repair this relationship?”

From the sound of it, you are recovering from abuse and you are much further along in your recovery than most first-time posters.  GOOD FOR YOU!!

But I do want to repeat that you can let go of his negativity and self-pity and not allow him/his mood to drag you down if you want to.  Difficult? Yes.  Impossible?  No.  If I did it, you can.  Hubby can get HAPPY in the same pants he’s mad in.  It’s HIS choice.  That doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy when he is, because he is or because he wants you to be.  He can NOT control you if you don’t let him.  

I might say that hubby’s pouting is not necessarily an attention-getting mindgame, although it sure could be, it’s more likely a mindgame of manipulation.  You are seemingly being punished for asserting YOUR VERY VALID RIGHT to a happy life.  He can TRY to punish you, but you sure don’t have to let him succeed.  And I don’t think you are overall, but you are still having power struggles with your abuser which tells me you either still have some lessons to learn and/or need some more tools to take good care of you.

So in addition to boundary setting which you appear to have a good handle on, I suggest you practice the most wonderful art of “Letting GO with Love.”  It helped me.

I LOVE your plans about working from home!  I am VERY PLEASED to read that you have worked on your education!  These things tell me that you do take your happiness seriously.  They tell me that you have embraced that FACT you’re your happiness is YOURS and you are taking REAL steps to improve your situation. You keep doing that in spite of all the “sourness” that gets thrown your way and you WILL succeed! BRAVO!!

Since you mentioned a merry-go-round, I can say that abuse is a cycle – even verbal/emotional abuse.  There is a tension building phase, an explosion and a honeymoon phase – sometimes all in the course of a few minutes or hours.

With that written, know this…  When you stop playing the game, the game stops.

If you find that you are stuck on the merry-go-round, that also tells me that you are not finished with your recovery. 

Thing is… Recovery can take a while.  For me, it took 12 years to stop my victimization and sometimes I need a refresher every now and then so my own bad habits of peace-keeping and rescuing don’t get the best of me.  I also had about 6-7 DIFFERENT sources of support when I was at my worst.  Those included: family, friends, 3-4 support groups, and 4 different counselors.  ALL of these things helped.  The SINGLE BEST thing I did to heal was counseling.

Your recovery is your first priority or should be.  Once you are stronger, you will have the strength and insight to work on relationship repair or decide whether that’s worth it.

Sounds like you still have work to do; so when you can, go BACK to counseling ALONE.

Also there is a difference between your recovery and repairing your relationship with hubby.  Your recovery is KEY to YOUR happiness but it may also require that you either redefine/renegotiate your relationship with hubby because he is still, at a minimum, manipulative, controlling and self-entitled or end it all together. Repair requires that you guys meet in the middle and sometimes that is NOT healthy for a victim of abuse.  Also part of the KEY to your relationship’s recovery is figuring out whether you have a partner you can work with.  With my Ex, I eventually figured out that I didn’t, even though everyone else could see it, I had to figure it out for ME.  You will have to figure out whether you have someone who is capable and willing of being a TRUE partner.

Good news is… you are well on your way and you WILL get the clarity you need to decide what is best for you and your son.

I do think you need a bit MORE help (support), maybe some MORE tools (i.e. education/counseling), so I’ll dust off my booklist and post it.

Q