Topic : Abuse

I have read with a heavy heart your postings.............and needed some time to hopefully locate some resources and answers for you. 

First I want to say , I'm elated that you are under the care of good physicians and a psychiatrist or is it a psychologist?     

Have you shared your whole story.......I mean the facts of your living in ABUSE, under CONTROL.....including the facts about the sexual ABUSE by your husband.......the forced sex with other men.   This is a difficult scenario to handle alone...........and your physicians and "psych" doctor should know the truth.    How can anyone help you if your story is not complete? 

I like other posters here feel outrage at your situation........and think that you could re-connect with your children.................and stay in contact with your Aunt.  The fact that you are isolated.....from people and have almost no friends or acquaintances to lean on or confide in.......is part of why YOUR ABUSER has such control over you.   This isolation makes it SO VERY EASY for him to keep you depressed and a prisoner of his HORRIBLE DEEDS.......CHOICES & BEHAVIORS.   You are like a captive prisoner......under his wrath.............you need to connect with folks, people, neighbors, some new friends that you could trust...etc.  

Normally I don't do this......mentioning anyones state or country....or part of the country that a woman posts from..........as I know how important safety , privacy and security is.   HOWEVER, I noticed that you have put that information out there for Dr. Phil.....staff and those that read the boards. 

So............now for some resources.  Often times, the abuse at home is so overwhelming, that one cannot sort through things ........so here is some help. 

Iowa Domestic Violence Hotline.............800-942-0333.............these folks have local, and close resources for your situation........they also have many lists of  resources at their fingertips.   They can also offer support groups and legal advocacy. 

www.judicial.state.ia.us/families/domviol/dvlaws.asp      is a great wealth of resources and information  

There is a booklet listed there.....HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WITHOUT A LAWYER............it is not a substitute for an  attorney but can explain and help in the process. 

(I do hope you know how to cover your tracks on the computer.....your ABUSER may be checking on you and your travels there)  Many Domestic Violence and Abuse web sites give you tips on doing so. 

Another good website for you..................www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/iodv.shtml 

This is an ABUSE, RAPE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AID and RESOURCE COLLECTION  

Now for your ANIMALS.......your precious friends 

ANIMAL LIFELINE of IOWA..........is a temporary lifeline for victims of domestic violence ....their animals and pets....... while you  are temporarily in crisis or transition.         

www://www.animal-lifeline.com                      This can help bridge the gap. 

I feel the need to mention that last year a bill was passed in the Senate at the urging .......   a result of  diligence, understanding on the part  of  U.S. Senator Patrick Leahy .............the senate passed a bill  providing Transitional Housing for Domestic Violence, Stalking, and Sexual Assault Victims. 

You can get him out of there..........you can get him out of there using the system that is in place for you.................OR.................you CAN LEAVE........with resources and help........housing and all...there is a light at the end of the tunnel.............there is LIGHT. 

In your circumstance......an attorney, legal advocate, domestic violence advocate will surely work with you to define your safest possible solution........can you walk at all?   (Just for my own update.) 

Anyway, I hope that all this information will give you some hope.................I know that the abuse can create such overwhelming thought patterns.......and you are in survival mode.......with his crap......and all....................BUT, or should I say HOWEVER.........YOU CAN'T CONTINUE ON WITH THIS SCENE THE WAY THAT IT IS....................YOU ARE SPECIAL, WORTHY, LOVABLE, CAPABLE, AND INTELLIGENT......YOU DO NEED CHANGES. 

You are a young, beautiful woman...........you are still so young.......there is a future for you.......a happy life still to cherish and explore.             There are so many health services available to you, too........medical, dental....etc...................PLEASE, all these services to help are there through your state and federal government.........THEY ARE THERE..........PLEASE INVESTIGATE AND USE THEM. 

Let me know.......what you think. 

Take care.  

Glad I could help.   

To answer you questions: 

Are you still with your abuser Q?  No, I've been divorced for coming on 7 years -- thank GOODNESS!  I left once, reconciled and then left a final time 4 years laters.  We had problem the entire 12 year marriage.  They got worse when we had kids.  He was a VERY dependent and VERY abusive person although the physical incidents were few -- they sure got my attention.  The rest was verbal/emotional.  Those are the scars I still have today.  They have not gone away nor will they.  Abuse CHANGES WHO YOU ARE.  It isn't something you just "GET OVER".  It changes you.  BUT you CAN recover and you CAN heal and you CAN have a happy life. 

It took me time and some dedication to ME before I was strong enough to leave.   

I understand how you are on the fence about whether or not you should leave.  Once I began and got to a certain point in my own recovery -- the point where I KNEW I MATTERED, and the point where I KNEW my abuser was incapable/unwilling to change, I knew that my recovery and healing would REQUIRE that I leave. 

 Yes, I can believe a counselor would say what he/she said... but that doesn't make it right.  And I would have had the SAME feelings you did -- ANGER -- at the counselor's LACK of validation.  And I would have FIRED him/her and gotten another one AFTER I let him/her know how I felt about it -- in a caring way. 

Did you know that once an alcoholic ALWAYS an alcoholic?  When you enter a treatment program and/or a 12 step program you are a recovering alcoholic?  Children who grow up in alcoholic households even recovering ones CAN STILL end up in co-dependent relationships.  When grow up with dysfunction, you beget dysfunction -- at least until you learn better. 

Regardless of whether you hubby is drinker or not, you and he ARE co-dependent and/or have those tendancies.  I oughta know cause I was one and my abuser didn't drink.  The dynamics of control/power/manipulation with abusive relationships and alcoholic relationships is the SAME. 

I had to work my OWN set of 12-steps to STOP being a victim, a codependent.  I HELPED ME TONS.  From the sound of it, you are doing that too -- in your way. 

The game of abuse stops when you stop playing the game! 

Good luck with your counselor.  If you can, let us know how it goes.  Q