Topic : Abuse

Hello beautiful ladies, this 28 year old wise and wonderful female has left her abusive husband for good. We moved me out (Me, my brother and friend) in 6 hours without my offensive spouse coming home. He does not know where I live and I have not returned his phone calls. One of my newer goals in life is to never speak to that evil man again. Last I checked, its a free world and I don't have to. Legal separation in my state is automatic with our separate residences but I will still draw up an agreement for legalities' sake.   

  

I have not been yelled at for a whole month and it FEELS GOOD!!!!  

  

Last time we spoke was the last time I was verbally abused. Good incentive not to continue any contact with the fool. I want to post a couple of more times on various subjects because I have some hard earned experiences that others may benefit from, and also I want to share/ vent more of my story. What a ride this all has been. Thank you to all who have posted to me and in general for my benefit. This message board is what got me reading, which is what got me watching, which is what got me thinking, which is what got me leaving, which is what got me free. Thanks for the education ladies, couldn't have done it without you. To be continued..., Mujer77 

Just to give a little background, I am working on my Ph.D. and my evil husband already has his. He maintains an impeccable facade and if I didn't know him as I do, I would never believe what went on in that man's house. I got the silent treatment for up to 3 weeks at a time (which I personally find EXCRUCIATING), for just about anything, but especially for saying the "wrong" whing at the "wrong" time. He alternated between yelling at me and the silent treatment, or these tense, tenuous and completely joyless "honeymoon period" experiences where I white-knuckled it through everything from holidays to expensive vacations waiting for the next blowup. He denied every trangression of his while magnifying any and all evidence of me being mortal ie) flawed. He was an expert manipulator/ crazymaker/ intimidator, he was also a bitchy, whiny, grumpy, negative person. He refused to allow me to plan for the future with him and has ruined every holiday that I can think of more than once. Back before our 1st breakup and reconciliation he was physically abusive (shoving, grabbing, driving recklessly). He tried to make ammends and I wanted to believe him, so I spent another 3 years with him (2 1/2 living apart, 6 months in the house together and I am very truly, sincerely DONE!!!!!!!!! 

He also has a porn habit. I am not cool with it because he turned outside the marriage and met his own needs instead of working on things with me and I just know he doesn't respect women and the porn just reinforces his attitude of superiority and the objectification of the female body. He frequently ignored me after sex for the whole day, which was not fun or good for my self-esteem. He also withheld important information from me such as: a death in the family and the results of a court case. He used insults and childish reactions to keep me from even wanting to interact with him. He constantly attacked my integrity and my very being for attempting to get redress for his poor and unadult behavior.  I have had fistholes over my bed, in my kitchen, in my living room. I have seen him rip the exterior doors off of 2 different homes, both in the winter. What a jacka$$! He has eaten a bowl of cereal while four course meals I have prepared went cold. He once threw an entire wok of indian food on my kitchen floor. He has damaged many of our belongings in rage and destroyed 3+ remote controls. Anything sound familiar ladies? Well, I hope for y'alls sake that it doesn't but if it does, you should know what I know: 

It ALWAYS escalates. 

They think they love you but they aren't even mature enough to know what real self-sacrificing love is. 

They can backslide even after years of good change is evident. 

They probably will backslide even after years of improvement. 

Not everyone is nice. 

Just because you would do anything for him does not mean he would do the same. 

Denial is intense and can help us waste years. 

You do deserve better. 

Peace does begin at home. 

You don't have to pretend you are happy. You deserve to really be happy. 

Peace and blessings to you and those who truly love you, the whole you. Mujer77 

So... now that I am on my own again, I have lots to ponder. Does anyone have any strategies for me to speed up the unloading of all of this baggage? I am really distrustful of anything with an XY chromosome right now. I know it is safer to stay alone for an extended period, and I plan to, but even in basic interactions with men I will seriously punish a guy who compliments me or is nice to me because I don't want to be vulnerable and I just frankly speaking wonder to myself  "what does he want/ why is he lying ?" Part of me is really thirsty for affection because things grew so cold in my marriage. I know it is too soon but dang! The fear of loneliness kept me in the marriage but it also got me out: I was GUARANTEED loneliness staying with my cruel and mean husband. I know I need to work on me, but it is like I am 2 people with conflicting self-esteems. My outer person is successful, spunky and confident while my inner person is dogged, neglected, abandoned and ready to settle for anything that even resembles companionship, which is what got me into the bad relationship and also what perpetuated my staying. Eergh! Thinking with the heart is hard!  

I feel like an interior mess: any spring cleaning tips for this old heart of mine??? -Mujer77 

It saddens me that so many woman are emtionally and verbally abused. I know first hand what it is like and now I am working to help ME, for a change. 

It is all confusing to me how I got to this place in time, I was a good kid, had lots of friends and used to laugh alot and look on the bright side. 

I have been married for 27 years, to what used to be a nice guy. He came from a troubled childhood and I tried to give him what he never had, a home, somebody who loves and beleives in him and worked towards making a good life together, well that bombed! 

About 10-12 years ago my husband started to decieve me, little at first and like they say the wife is the last to know, is true. 

He has a drinking problem and uses pot too but denies the drugs even when I find them. On his nights off ,he drinks, starts off with four beer a hour until he gets his buzz then it slows down. He blubbers his words, tetters around and becomes full of himself. 

Last Christmas was horrible, he got drunk  Xmas eve, the power went out and I became a target. He claims he drinks because of me, he doesn't have friends because nobody likes me, I have low-self esteem, I am not as smart as him, iIam highly over-rated (?), i am also a nagging B***h and a fat cow. 

His latest game is, his money is his money (after all he says he earns it) and he will spend it how he wants. He calls everything his and speaks in the firsts, example, mine, me etc. He has forgotten all my imput into the home (finacially and otherwise) he claims he did all himself, I never made any money or contributed anything. He doesn't even say Happy Birthday to me, acts like it is just another day or he picks a fight, thats meant to hurt my feelings. 

He doesn't care what anybody thinks, he is right everybody else is wrong and he lies alot. 

Now the confusing part: 

I am not stupid and I find most woman in this situation aren't either. How did I become a enabler? how do I stop? Dr Phil says we allow people to treat us the way they do, but how do we stop them? 

  

My self-esteem has started hit the rocks, I spend very little money on myself (not even hair dye). He has  

made me feel I am not worthy.  

As for the above woman who just got out of a bad relationship, I would recommend to find yourself first before you find another guy. 

Men have got to stop treating woman like in the cave man days and us woman have got to learn how not to let them. We need the tools but I don't know where to get them. 

I am back not sure if anyone was worried or wondering but I did leave and went to a shelter and was there till late Sunday. He is going for counseling and has the appointment made. Has stopped with the porn,and all the other stuff. We are trying and working on things. I am hoping things work out but if not I will go back to the shelter and have told him so.  I  WILL NOT PUT UP WITH ANYMORE ABUSE, DISRESPECT, OR DEGRADATION!!!!!!!! Thank you all for being here for me and I will not be gone I still need support and friends.

Hi Q, thank you....

I actually was just worrying about you yesterday and wondering where you were.  I am glad things are working out.

i know how you feel,  although mine dont drink, he is just as abusive in the other wayhs.  he lets me know that in so many ways i am  just a piece off ass, i can only thank god however he doesnt treat his daughter like me. he actually puts her on a pedastool.  for expample one day she spilled red pop anon the carpet where she want suppose to be drinking and he gave her a hug and pattd her on the back.  one one day i spilld some water on the floor and got the third degree.  also one day she lied to him asked if she could go to the church parking lot, and instead walked 5 blocks away and arounf the corner and thru the woods to her school, did he scold her no, insted he pattd her on the back.  but he treats me like second hand garbage.   i have resorted to putting all my effort into me.  i am now going back to school for a better degree, i attend church and refuse to give him sex.  but i tell him why i am not givin him sex.  i tell him if he wants to  have sex then he must repsect me and treat me with respect and love and build me up and be supportive and not just on the day he wants sex either but all the time.   he is slowly changing.. i will have to keep you posted if it works.

Lemondrop, when you said  

"when he isolates you......he is able to keep you in a state of emotional despair, vulnerable to his cruelty, and keeping you off balance....this is how he maintains CONTROL OVER YOU. " 

That really hit me, I never realized that and it makes perfect sense. He is forever telling me that I am way too sensitive and I can’t take a joke when he is just cruel to me. 

I have a married daughter and her husband is in Iraq, my husband has convinced him to not pay any of her bills. So now my husband is using all his money. He did get permission, but it still really bothers me. Am I wrong to be bothered? My son-in-law asked me to be on his account and so I pay his bills while he is gone. So my husband has to sit there and make sure that I don’t pay my daughters bills. I just hate how he has this control over me.  

I was so upset yesterday that I was talking to my sister and she wanted me to get to a shelter. I don’t feel that he will physically harm me. When we had been married about a year he grabbed me by my throat and pushed me up against the wall and literally lifted me off the ground by my throat. That is the first, last and only time he ever did anything like that. So if he is as verbally abusive and controlling as he is then will he eventually start to hit me? 

I just don’t know what to do, why I stay and what to do with the kids. He has a daughter that is young and she never knew her mother (she died when she was a baby) He is not nice to her either, so how could I take her away too? What if I couldn’t keep this precious child? She will forever be abused by him. I have said way too much. 

Lyminsocal:  How did your weekend go? 

  

Bedazzled:  What is happening with the relatives etc. 

  

Darls.... Anything better in Australia?