In reading some of the stories posted here, I thought I should share mine in the hopes that it may be helpful to some one facing an abusive relationship.
Some years ago when I was only 17, I had a child. The father never stayed, however I was happy non the less. I went to college in the hopes of bettering myself, not just for me but also for my son ( He is Autistic). Things where going well for me dispite my being a young single parent, I really was happy.
Not to long after my first year of college I met the man who became my husband. Love is blinding and I got careless and pregnant. My family wanting only the best for me, urged us to marry, feeling that it was the right thing to do. However, I was starting to see "signs" that somthing was not right but wanting to please my family was important to me, so we married. From that piont on things pretty much went down hill and I found my husband to be abusive and controlling in every way. Everything became my fault, he would keep me up till all hours of the night yelling at me telling me about all the things I was doing wrong or about what a bad mother I was, even acusing me of sleeping around, even though I hardly ever left the house.
Slowly I found my self being cut off from friends and family and my dreams of going back to finish college after my daughter was born to be slipping away. Even when my father became sick with cancer, I hardly was able to see him in the last year of his life.
I began to loose the independent, happy person that I was. Though my husband had a good job, he spend money wildly, never paying bills and throwing us into unbelievable debt. I would confront him about the spending but he would only blame my son or me. Our daughter was the only one immune to his abuse.
After some time I managed to get him to see a therepist, however it was not long before he had the therepist conviced that my son and I where the problem, not him. For time I fell into depression, I felt helpless and very alone. I was always tired, completely burned out always trying to deal with my husband, nothing pleased him. All the while trying to shield my kids from his temper, mostly my son.
Even his family was controlling, conviced I was a bad mother and even threaten many times to take my daughter away. My husband lost his good paying job and stayed home for a year making our money problems even worse. He would be oftered work but would turn it down conviced that he was not recieving the right amount of respect. I began to wonder what kind of life I would have staying with him and started to see a very bleak future ahead. We always under the threat of being throw out of our home due to him not paying the rent.
It was then that I got a job, amazing as my husband had never let me work before. The job was only a min wage job working nights at the drive-in, however it would gave us some much needed money and for me, time away from my husband. At first I was not that happy about having a min wage job, after all I had gone to school to be a computer programmer, not a short order cook but I began to see that this job was just what I needed. It was not long before I began to have a really good time at my job, I made friends and started to do something that I had not done in a long time, laugh. I looked forward to going to work everynight more and more and it was not long before my friends could see what I was facing at home.
They gave me support and made me see that I was not the problem and that I was a good mother. Summer came to an end and so did my job as it was only seasonal. However, I found the courage to face my husband and finally tell him to hit the road.
A year and half later......life could not be better. My kids and I live in a big townhouse, we have money, I have friends and I am happy as ever. I am going back to school. I have found again the person that I lost, I am myself again. I now see what a marridge should be and I hope some day in the future I will marry again. The possiablities are endless.
Don't think that because you are married you have to make it work, don't think that you have to fix your spouse, or that it's your fault. Don't stay with an abuser for your children or because you are worried about what everyone one will think of you. By staying you cause more harm to your children then by leaving. They will understand when they are older. If you feel you have tried everything and have done your best, you most likly have. See like I have that it is not your fault.
Get help and seek advice, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. It can be hard getting out of a abusive relationship but remember this: No war was ever won without a battle. If you want to leave, let your friends and family know and make a stand. Never feel ashamed. There is life and happiness after after abuse, the sky is the limit.
