Topic : Abuse

I'm sorry I can't agree with you on this one Wade. I don't think that she should respond with anger to him, that will only escalate the problem. However an abuser knows what he is doing at all times. An abuser does not loose control. That's often why the Police think the woman is crazy when they get to the house, because she's hysterical and crying. While he's calm, cool and collected, telling the police that he has no idea what's wrong with his wife.  

You can't talk to an abuser and try to explain YOUR feelings and YOUR point of view for one main reason... 

ONLY HE MATTERS ONLY HIS FEELINGS MATTER ONLY HIS POINT OF VIEW MATTER NOTHING ELSE. 

Here is a workable strategy that you may want to consider: 

Your husband evidently felt victimized (embarassed by what he viewed as defiant behavior from you that caused him to be embarrassed in front of his friends), and given his perception, his reaction seems somewhat reasonable. 

However, if I understand you correctly, his perception is incorrect, and perhaps even irrational. 

This being the case, then rather than reacting in kind (feeling victimized yourself), try correcting the misperceptions that are driving his behavior. Kindly help him to understand that you love and support him (as evident by your prep of the food) and would not wish to defy or embarrass him in front of his friends or anywhere else. You may also wish to talk openly and dispassionately about why he might think you would do such a thing. 

Otherwise, if you react in kind, this will simply escallate the mutual feelings of victimization and chance excallating or maintianing the hurt and hostility. 

What do you think?  -Wade-  

I totally agree. I can sit there and talk to him nicely and polite and it's still not good enough for him. I can apologize and sympathetic and he still goes on and on. I start crying because I feel that I can do no right and he makes fun of my crying and think I'm acting!! He doesn't have any sympathy whatsoever. It's just him and his feelings! There are times when he's not super attentive to me and my needs. I don't make a HUGE deal about it. If I feel that he's attentive 95% of the time. Shouldn't you give someone the benefit of the doubt when he's not the remaining 5%???When we go to his parents for example. He tends to "forget about me" and my needs. Simple little things like asking me if I want something to drink, while he's asking everybody else. I don't save it and cause a seen like he does and gets up in his face about it. I just give him the benefit of the doubt and forget about it. But he blows everything out of proportion. He's so easily offended and it's SO hard to live with. If I say something in "the wrong tone" of voice, all hell breaks lose. He thinks I'm disrespecting him. I was talking to my girlfriend once and her dh called on her. She yelled "WHAT"?? back to him. I thought to myself, if I would've done that to my dh. He would've come up and hit me and asked me "why I yelled back in that tone of voice to him" AND when someone else could hear it to!! That would shame him!! He's so sensitive and afraid of being disrespectful and I have to constantly walk on eggshells around him. It's terrible...... 

I totally agree. I can sit there and talk to him nicely and polite and it's still not good enough for him. I can apologize and sympathetic and he still goes on and on. I start crying because I feel that I can do no right and he makes fun of my crying and think I'm acting!! He doesn't have any sympathy whatsoever. It's just him and his feelings! There are times when he's not super attentive to me and my needs. I don't make a HUGE deal about it. If I feel that he's attentive 95% of the time. Shouldn't you give someone the benefit of the doubt when he's not the remaining 5%???When we go to his parents for example. He tends to "forget about me" and my needs. Simple little things like asking me if I want something to drink, while he's asking everybody else. I don't save it and cause a seen like he does and gets up in his face about it. I just give him the benefit of the doubt and forget about it. But he blows everything out of proportion. He's so easily offended and it's SO hard to live with. If I say something in "the wrong tone" of voice, all hell breaks lose. He thinks I'm disrespecting him. I was talking to my girlfriend once and her dh called on her. She yelled "WHAT"?? back to him. I thought to myself, if I would've done that to my dh. He would've come up and hit me and asked me "why I yelled back in that tone of voice to him" AND when someone else could hear it to!! That would shame him!! He's so sensitive and afraid of being disrespectful and I have to constantly walk on eggshells around him. It's terrible...... 

This: "you'll get up next time or I'll start up a fight and I don't care who's here" is a THREAT, it's an attempt to control you, and it's emotional abuse. 

This:  "I'll smack you"....... is a THREAT to physically abuse, and it's verbal abuse and emotional abuse. 

Only he really knows why this is such a big deal to him... so I might suggest that you ask him why. 

Your hubby is trying to control you and he going about it in a REALLY unhealthy way. 

You can not turn your self into a pretzel to make someone else happy... All you can do is the best you can do.  

Q