Quote From: yustakI am a married woman on my mid-thirties. My husband and I have 3 lovely children and we have been married for eight years. I have had marital problems, trust, communication, emotional and verbal abuse, etc. for the longest time. Last summer, his aunt and I got in to an argument about a disturbing comment she made about throwing one of my kids out of the window, (this woman used to be our baby sitter). She said she was just joking, to calm down. I told her to leave my house. We cursed at each other back and forth. At the moment I was going to open the door for her she pushed me and I pushed her back (my biggest mistake here) then we began punching each other. When we were fighting she ripped her blouse off, something kind of erratic to do. She called the police on me and I got arrested.
While I was incarcerated, Administration for Children’s Services visited my house and for the first time my husband falsely accused me of being physically abusive toward him, verbal and emotionally as well. Administration for Children’s Services got involved because one the kids was present at the time of the argument.
I am a college graduate, I have never ever had been arrested before or had any problems with the law, until that day. During our initial interview with Administration for Children’s Services my husband did the same the same thing, he told them he was really afraid of me, that I was the one pushing him, hit him, verbally and emotionally abusing him, I don’t clean the house, I don’t cook, etc. All right there in front of my face. It went horrible, I began to argue with him, in front of two Administration for Children’s Services directors. I felt betrayed, outraged, embarrassed and humiliated as a woman, as a mother and as wife. But that was just the beginning.
He says does it because is the truth and they need to know it so they can help me.
When I call him at his job to ask him to stop talking to them, the makes threats that because I am calling him constantly, he’ll call the police for harassment (he hangs up the phone on me) or the ambulance for them to call me down. He says that I have been recorded talking to him at his job, crying and arguing with him.
Months passed, I went to criminal court several times, alone, he never game the emotional support that I needed, I gave that by myself. I asked him to come to the court appearances with me, at the time I was very vulnerable and scared of what might happed to me and my future with my kids. He just said that I deserved what happed to me, I shouldn’t have attacked a 60 year old woman, that he wasn’t going to support my criminal activities.
My attorney advise me to plead guilty for a violation, so it wouldn’t go on trial that might have me in jail for a year or longer if found guilty. And so I did. My husband really tough (or wished) I was going to plead guilty to a misdemeanor that they will never give a violation, because that was just a slap on the wrist. He used to tell me, for me not to worry that a misdemeanor was not a felony. And when I told him, he mock me saying that I thought they were going to let me walk out free without a guilty plead.
Administration for Children’s Services ordered me to take family/individual counseling with an agency affiliated to them. The humiliation, the embarrassment, the indignation were almost unbearable. I am NOT a child abuser. These people come to your house without announcement, they talk to the kids in private, they check you refrigerator, the bathroom, the bedrooms. They interview the parents, and when you have a non emotionally supportive husband who stands by you, things could get very upsetting.
Around that time, I found an old YMCA ID member card of a woman on the jacket of one of kids. I confronted him about it he said he didn’t know nothing about it.
After that, I was trying to convince my husband with the idea that if we have take our vows, our marriage will be better, will be more compassionate, and committed to each other. Always wanted to do this but he always puts an excuse, money is the main one. His major excuse is that he wants to buy a house, and that I am selfish because I am no thinking about our kids. And that I was demented if after what I did I would think he would marry me. He finally threaten me that if I keep “insisting” on this church weeding thing, he was going to report me with the authorities for harassment and have an order of protection on me, call the ambulance on me and have me committed to a sanitarium or tell the Administration for Children’s Services that I am harassing him, emotionally abusing him, in front of the kids.
Right now I am not working, I choose not to because I don’t trust him or his mother with our kids. I love them dearly and it hurts me to hear them say daddy said this or that about me when I am not around. My kids come tome telling me daddy said, I was lazy and I stay all the day in the sofa sleeping I am off from work, that I don’t cook, and that mommy has money hidden from last years taxes. He refuses to give me any money from his tax refund, (he gets $7,000 or so) I honestly don’t know if I am entitled of that money any way. He says is his money he earned it and not for me to spend. His major excuse again is that he wants to save money for a house, and pay his bills.
He works for a prestigious company, and makes almost $70, 0000 a year or even more I don’t really know. He doesn’t want to give me allowance or access to credit cards, cell phones, and finances, etc. This man is 40 years old, and his mother totally controls him, manipulates him, tells him what to do, nags him, criticizes him, yells at him, plays the victim with him, etc. and to me of course, and he is OK with all that. He is very caring and loving (emotionally and financially) supporting, towards his mother and side of the family.
I wanted to close the Preventive Service Agency case affiliated to the Administration for Children’s Services case. I wanted peace of mind with my children and myself, I wanted my live back to normal.
But he went to them again for the third time, and he told them that things were going from bad to worse between me and him, that I need it psychological help, that I have abused him, (physically and verbally trough all 8 years of this marriage) that I enjoy arguing in the presence of our kids, etc. -same story over and over again.
I told him I am not to see them again, if he wants marriage counseling, it has to be outside that Administration for Children’s Services affiliated agency. He said that this people are here to help me. I have tried to convince him to stop talking to them, because if he doesn’t they will take our kids away from me, but he says that I am not going to manipulate him, or persuade him, that I need help. I have even been consulting to family law attorneys on a weekly basis about his persistence and ulterior motivation and they all have told me that I do have an elevated risk of loosing the kids if my husband continues to complaint about me to them.
Administration for Children’s Services can file abuse and neglect charges against me in Family Court and either remove the kids to foster care or remove me from the household. He says that’s not true that they are not going to do that, they are just counselors for preventive services, and that those lawyers are making that up because they just want money.
My husband just hide is DVD collection over 2,000 disc, because he thinks I am going to throw them away and he locked his closet with a bolt, because he says he is afraid of me to throw his clothes away. Apparently he put this DVDS in a box a gave it to the next door neighbors to keep in his apartment. ( I have never talk to that man and so neither does he, he is a stranger to me, I never liked him because his favorite past time is to gossip.) This is the same man my husband dare bring to our house as a witness so he could look at me from head to toe, to make sure that I was not hurting myself, (he was afraid I would hurt myself and then accused him that he did it to me and so I would have him arrested) while I was waiting for the police when I call them on my husband when he shoved me against the wall for asking him for allowance.
I have asked him to put his DVD collection back on the shelves that it is very embarrassing and humiliating for me when people come over and see empty. He said that he doesn’t know when he’ll do that, or that he’ll do it when I change, and things get better, when I admit my mistakes.
My husband says that if I don’t want to go there to Administration for Children’s Services affiliated agency is ok, that is not going to look good when they notify ACS about me not going to the preventive counseling sessions, that he will continue to go there and lets see what happens.
I have talked to them, I even have told them that I am going to a psychologist due to his abuse, and they kind of treat me like a non intelligent woman: patronizing, condescending talk, in general they talk to me as if I was demented.
Nobody seems to believe me, he has turn into a extremely persuasive person, I think he has or trying to convinced Administration for Children’s Services, his family, neighbors that I am mentally unstable and unfit mother.
I am desperate, I don’t know how to convince him to stop talking down on me with that agency, what is wrong with him? I wish if there was a way I could make him understand how much he is hurting me and our kids.
My divorce from ex was quite similar - thinking about it as I read your post just got me so disturbed I am going to do my best to make sense so pls bear with me.
Absolutely he is setting u up to lose custody. You are not going to convince him to drop it - u are wasting precious time. He is pulling out all the stops he can to assure he has the upper-hand in a child-custody action. And, unfortunately, you have NO CHOICE but to comply with ACS's requirements if u wanna hang on to your kids. During our divorce mediation he accused me of beating one of our twin infants while favoring the other, along with other things. Didn't matter if it was true or not - once it's out there ACS (DCS here) has to investigate.
U gotta fight this and take this head-on - it's not gonna "just go away." In my case, he was the one who had three convictions on abusing me so I was able to get rid of that headache fairly early. With u having a record now, u have it even tougher. U gotta fight just as dirty and show not only your fitness but his UNfitness as a parent. And I hope u meant to say that u plead "No Contest" instead of "Guilty."
He is making sure u look as crazy as possible to as many ppl he can and he has even recruited your neighbor - that part killed me for my neighbor backed up my Hubby's lies too. U cannot afford this. U need to file an Temp Order of Protection against him - so what if he counter-sues - u will at least be the plaintiff. Go to court armed with all the police reports or whatnot to prove his abuse of u. Don't be afraid to get it either - I was so fearful at that point i figured if the TRO didn't protect me physically it would at least help them prosecute him if he were to kill me.
I don't really know what to say about his keeping the finances from u except do u best to find out whatever u can. I never had that problem because I took care of the finances.
He doesn't really wanna marry u. The money thing is an excuse. Forget the church wedding - a marriage license will run ya around $70.
U also need to just separate from him, anyway u possibly can. Help is out there for u, truly. I don't know if u can do what I did but it is so worth finding out if u can. Setup - I fled our home with the babies and drove 170 miles to my parents I was so fearful of my life. He was so angry that he went on a big crack spree with about 10 of his closest friends and GF and paid for it all with almost everything we owned. The neighbors reach me at my folk's and tell me they see ppl leaving my home all hours of the day with my property. As fast as I could i left those babies with my parent's and returned, but of course he was threatening and menacing so I left. Next morning I was at the courthouse filing an Exclusion Of Residence Order - I had to prove that I had reasonable fear to return home as long as he resided there and since I had the children he needed to be the one to leave. This bars him legally from the residence for 30 days so u can pack and move without fealing threatened or intimidated.
If that is not an option, Ironically u may have to turn to ACS to help u, but they prolly can help or at least refer u to the proper agency. If u have no job or money with children they will help u.
Ok, i gotta stop here - I can feel the BP rising. My prayers are with u and if u want to talk to me more intimately let me know - Just know that u are not alone and u are not crazy.
