Topic : Abuse

Regarding the confusing, and seemingly contradictory, advice from Dr. Phil regarding abusive relationships....it is your fault, is not your fault, there's nothing you can do, something you can do....  

   

I can only guess that he spends much more time with the couple than what we see on air, and the relationship is much more complex that what we see. His advice to that one woman, or couple, is not the same as his advice to another woman because their situations are not the same. The siutation may look similar to us viewers, but we don't know what goes on behind the scenes. And I as a viewer cannot apply that advice directly to my own life because he is giving that advice to that one woman, not to me.  

   

But since I haven't had the opportunity to meet with him personally, all I can do is try to apply what he says on the show to my own life, unfortunately resulting in this confusion.  

   

I guess I have to decide for myself which of the three viewpoints will work for me. Hopefully with the help of my domestic abuse counselor, and our marriage counselor, we can figure it out.  

   

Thanks to everyone who replied, I'm still confused, but now I recognize why and I don't feel so panicked about it.  

   

   

   

Are you going to come back and give me time to address your confusion about Dr. Phil's 3 different shows?  

   

I just asked for a little time to get some rest.  

   

I'll be back on here tomorrow.  

   

Please come back.  

   

I really want to talk to you about your situation.  

   

Take care.  

   

   

In an abuse situation, the abused spends most of their time confused and frustrated; constantly trying to figure out why things are the way they are, what they did to cause such havoc in their lives, and searching for answers.  They read articles on abuse and watch shows, like Dr. Phil,  in an attempt to find answers and sort through all the confusion they feel.  Often, these resources will leave the abused feeling frustrated because they don't have the air time or article space to explain every phrase that is said.  I hope I can help with some of this confusion.  

   

1.  "It isn't your fault" - You do not own someone elses behavior.  Nobody asks to be physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually abused.  

   

(I didn't ask my husband to emotionally and mentally torture me or my kids; he chose to do it.)  

   

2.  "It is your fault" - The boundaries that you set for yourself are your responsibility to develop.  It is your responsibility to hold your boundaries and accept nothing less for yourself.  

   

(I lost sight of my boundaries, did not develop boundaries, and allowed him to walk over my boundaries.)  

   

3.  "Seek counseling" - Only when you are removed from the abuse and clear boundaries have been established.  

   

(I sought counseling and my husband went too.  He clearly was not willing to honor the boundaries set forth and was unwilling to accept any personal responsibility for his actions.)  

   

4.  "Leave" - You cannot change anyone but yourself; and changing yourself does not result in a change in another's behavior....it may curve it, but the abuser will regroup and find other reasons to abuse.  

   

Don't allow your confusion, frustration, and exhaustion to detour you from solving your problem.  If you are being abused.....leave.  Stop making excuses for staying.  The abuser is not your responsibility.  It is not your job to fix them.  Chances are very good that by now you have a lot of yourself to fix.  Undoing the results of abuse can take years.  Start now.  Find that ounce of love for yourself that he/she hasn't stripped from you....it's there....God placed it deep down in your soul for this very reason.  

Yes, of course I'll be back, take all the time you want.    

   

I just said that "I'm still confused, but now I recognize why and I don't feel so panicked about it."   

   

My post wasn't intended to pressure you for a response, but I hoped that my post would help others who might be confused, and to let you and others know that I'm calm now and not so stressed out about the different viewpoints.   

   

   

   

   

   

     I am very hopeful that once things settle down we can feel safe and relax.  I know that it will take time.  We have been through alot.  He still calls for things.  He talks to the older son when he wants something and then the older boy lets him know what I said.  I feel bad that he has become the mediator.  He suggested it but he is showing signs of frustration.  He wants him to get everything he wants so he will go away and leave us alone.  I think as much as we want it to end peacefully I will evidently have to draw the line in the sand and stick to it.  Good-night and thanks for your help.

I have a relationship that is in the process of being cut off. My hubby was sexually abusive to me. I have asked for the divorce but so far it hasn't happened. Just talking to him gives me nightmares, panic attacks, and the fear I will never be safe again. One of my problems is that I don't just draw a line but allow people to wipe it away. It doesn't do me any good and in the end hurts only myself. Sometimes it is hard for people to draw those lines and stick to them. Do it for yourself and for your kids their emotional well being, and yours as well are very important. I do agree once things calm down it will be a better thing for everyone involved. I hope things get better and you get the life you all deserve. Bright blessings, Deb

I wanted to share some of my story with. I, too, was in an abusive relationship. After 5 years, and rapidly increasing abuse, I decided to leave. My x was devastated, and after some long talks, when I felt that he really listened to me for the first time in a long while, I decided to stay.

   

  

Like all abusers, he wasn’t all bad…..he could be unbelievingly mean and cruel, and without any shred of empathy….but he could also be kind and funny and used to tell me no-one was as beautiful and kind and caring as I was…..If I could only be a bit more tidy….a bit more consequent when I was rising my daughter….a bit more responsible with money….and a lot less sensitive…..

   

  

 He promised me to start anger-management, and he did. He said he loved me more than anything, and would do what ever it would take to make me stay with him.

   

  

I had been married once before, and afraid to fail at yet another marriage…somewhere deep inside I thought he might be right….that I was overly sensitive, and took offence where no offence was made…and he was willing to give…and try to change…and a relationship is a dynamic between two people, requiring giving and taking from both parties, isn’t it?….so I stayed.

   

  

He started going to group therapy – anger management….and I looked for counselling for me…and I found a psychologist who basically told me I was strong and intelligent and sane and that the blame was not on me….but seeing her was expensive, so I did not go for long….she told me I was OK, didn’t she?

   

  

 

   

  

So instead, I engaged heavily in my x’s rehabilitation. He got a lot of very positive attention from me for going to his classes. When he came back from anger-management-class, I had an evening meal prepared for him, and I was there if he wanted to evaluate the session with me.   I was there for him when he needed to talk. Supporting him and his efforts to become a better man, became MY big investment in making our relationship work.   He was not willing to discuss my feelings, and what his abuse had done to me, though. He claimed that it was to painful, that he was so ashamed of what he had done, that he could not talk about it, nor hear about it…..and he was trying to change, wasn’t he…? In my total joy over him wanting and trying to change, I completely forgot to take care of me. His rehabilitation was our joint project…..my healing was left out, without me even noticing. (And, this, my dear….is CO-DEPENDANCY!)  I was strong, I was capable, I could do this…..that’s what I thought. And he stopped beating me…..but the verbal abuse continued…..to a lesser extent than before, but it continued…..and when I confronted that, he claimed that he needed some time to rid him self of his old, bad habits….and that the verbal abuse would subside…..I would just have to be patient….and so I was.

   

  

His anger-management-classes became just another way for him to keep the focus on him…..but I did not see that then. In retrospect, things become a lot clearer….so I see it now.

   

  

 

   

  

After a year in anger-management, he came home from his session, and told me that his therapist had told him he no longer needed to participate….because he had come a long way…..Until this day, I do not know if this was true, or not. But he quit. And we got married. And when we were on our honeymoon, the abuse started again……and I was totally devastated……but it took me three more years before I finally left him for good….

   

  

 

   

  

So my story of being there and helping and giving, is not a success story. I am not saying that what I experienced is how it always ends. I would urge you to get some counselling for only you, though, and to read up on abuse and co-dependency…..that will make you stronger and more objective, and more able to spot continued abuse, if you decide to stay and support him during his rehab.

   

  

 

   

  

Good luck…. take care….and be safe.

   

  

 

   

  

 Eventyr

   

  

 

   

  

 

   

  

(and I know what they are called now.....)  

  

This is from an article I found on the Norwegian DV-organization's web-page.....It's called "Why don't  she just leave?"  

  

-Most women who live in abusive relationships, has tried almost EVERYTHING to stop the abuse. She has shown anger and despair, she has threatened, argued, begged and cried. She has made conditions, she has had long, serious talks with her partner, and had heated arguments. Nothing has worked in  the long run. But this means that she HAS PUT DOWN BOUNDARIES. Her boundaries not being respected, is the issue here....not that she keeps putting up with it. SHE IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO STOP THE ABUSE BUT PUTTING UP BOUNDARIES.So  to claim that these women are without a back-bone and not being able to stand up for themselves, is a strong-lived myth. But it is not true. This board is living proof of that! 

  

In my country we have a saying: To use a canon to shot a sparrow...... 

When reading the message board after the "My fiancee is...." a lot of people are offering some advice...."just leave1" is popping up in every 2nd mail.....but if you leave the first time you see abuse.....then you are predicting a pattern, aren't you?...and if the abuse is verbal....? Is it accepted in our societies to leave someone the first time he calls you a b****? 

.and what about the "better or worse"-part? Is there no room for making a mistake and being forgiven in your relationship..?When is it valid to just leave...?..and when will leaving be like shooting a sparrow with a canon?  

And, everyone....these are rhetorical questions, if you were wondering....(the language thing is sometimes making me question if I am clear enough.....)  

I know my answers, to this.....my very hard earned experience taught me that leaving was the only way to stop it. But I want to bring this message out there:  

I worked darned hard at fixing my marriage before I left............but I NEVER would have stayed if I had known that things would only get worse, instead of better...I thought my x understood the words that came out of my mouth.....and when he acted like he didn't I tried to tell him..again and again. I used all of me all of the time to make it work..........and I did not get any sick pleasure out of being a victim either, just red, hard raw pain..... 

and I tried so hard not to push my X's buttons, I got completely invisible in the process. And just a few weeks ago, I arrested my self excusing to someone for having an opinion...... and it has been 6 years of hard work and living an abuse-free life..... 

The information is out there.....we have to keep working to get people to take an interest and start educating themselves......lets be vigilant and relentless...:) 

If there is still some activity on the "my fiancee is a stalker"-board, I might post something fiery over there....  

Big hugs/store klemmer  

  

Eventyr  

I could be better.  I just got back from my weekend in Manhattan, friday it rained, but the rest of the weekend was nice.  We were with a group of Girl Scouts on Friday and Saturday morning, then it was just me and my daughter.  It was really nice to be alone with just her.   

  

I met with the nun from my church on Thursday before I left, and she let me know not to worry about what the church might think if I become divorced.  She said that she knew that I tried and that I should now do what I have to do and MOVE ON.  I think she could see the pain that I'm in.  I'm not really angry though this time, I'm just done!!  After getting off of the train, I had to drive over an hour in the pouring rain home, make one stop to drop something off, then to another to pick up on of my daughter's (ending up staying there longer than I wanted) then off to my parents to pick up the other two, and by the time I got home I was getting them ready for bed, so after that I was so exhausted.  All my daughter and I did was walk, walk, walk!!!!  Then at this time my h came home and I just wanted to go to sleep.  When I crawled into bed, he was angry with me that I just wanted to go to sleep.  I told him I didn't want to talk and that I was very tired.  I just didn't want to get into anything last night.  It had been a long weekend and I needed some rest.  So I don't know what I'm going to do tonight.  I really need to tell him that I'm unhappy and ask for him to leave, but don't know how.  I'm really just so sick over this. 

  

Thanks for thinking about me.  I'm just so lost right now.  Mentally, I feel as if I'm breaking away from him, but I haven't told him anything.  I need to get a backbone and tell him how I feel, just don't know how to do that. 

  

Take care and prayers for you and your children also. 

Hi, and thank you for sharing this!