Topic : Abuse

Sounds like our husbands were related!!!  Everything you talk about I have lived through as well!  My H DID actually go to a rehab & was able to beat the alcoholism.  I thought my problems would be over - NOT!  The abuse was still there.  Like peeling the layers of an onion, so the healing went.  One problem after another was sort of overcome till there was nothing left but the abuse.  At 52 I was running out of time waiting for him to change & it seemed after 33 years that he would NEVER change back to the man I initially married.  STILL don't know what happened to him!     

Could the abuse stop for a few years again?  SURE!  But it will come right back again too!  It's the cycle of abuse.  YOU need to heal as much as HE needs to.  You have been a victim so long that you are not sure what things are supposed to be like in a marriage - your marriage has become a sick kind of normal for you.     

Is he truly sorry?  Probably is but like drinking, abuse happens because it's who they are.  They can promise never to do it again just like you could promise never to sneeze again but the truth is that when your body calls for you to sneeze, YOU'LL SNEEZE!  Same with them.  That's all part of the cycle too - like Q said - Abuse/honeymoon period where promises are made/tension building/abuse again.  You could substitute abuse for drinking too with the same cycle.     

Is alcohol a truth serum?  My opinion is that perhaps some truths come out while they are drunk but you have to remember that in this state, their thinking is altered.  With that being said, some of the things they say are said because they see things differently at that time.     

There are 2 problems here - alcoholism AND abuse.  Knowledge is key to recovery in both.  Al-Anon has meeting places all over & has free pamphlets available to you to help you learn how to deal with the alcoholism.  Scarey thing is that there are ONLY 3 paths an alcoholic can take -    

INSTITUTIONS - rehab, hospitals, jails   

DEATH - suicide, accident, murder, health related problems   

RECOVERY - this is the ONLY good one!   

For YOU - the co-dependant - there are ONLY 3 paths you can take - DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

Even if your H did give up the alcohol, there is still the abuse to deal with.  He has become VERY good at it & you have become very good at being a victim.  Now it's time to see the game as it is & stop being a victim but a survivor!  I recommend as your first book to read - "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.  VERY eye-opening!  I cried through the whole book!  IT WAS ME!  It was SO hard to believe that what I was going through could be that common!!!  I felt SO alone!     

Like Dr. Phil always says - you have to acknowledge there is a problem before you can fix it.  Doesn't sound like your H is ready to admit to either of his problems but YOU on the other hand are reaching out - a good sign!  You DO know there is something wrong - another good sign!  You need to learn to listen to your inner voice - your instincts.  They were right all along!  Trust yourself again!  You will have to wipe out everything he said to you in the past that changed who you are - hard to do but possible.  Those things were said to you with the sole purpose of controlling you - that's it!  That's the game.  They were NEVER true.     

As for your age - PHOOEY!  I went back to school last year & as you can see by my previous post, I am a licensed beautician now!  It's never too late to turn your life around!  My H did eventually cheat.  We are divorced as of March.  Even while leaving he was STILL making promises that he would do whatever it took to win me back - he promised our daughter that he would be back (I wanted to strangle him for making what I believed were false promises to her & giving her false hopes!)!!!  So what did he do after he left?  NOTHING!  He still doesn't get it.  My guilty buttons have been disconnected.  It's MY turn to live & be happy.  I wasted enough daylight waiting for him to change!  At my age, I couldn't afford to waste any more time!!!  Neither can you!  Heal, recover, claim your right to a happy, peaceful life!  YOU DESERVE IT!  YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<         

I was recommended to try going on this message board from other member.

 First, some background information on me, I have been married for 30 years and I have 2 grown children. My husband is verbally abusive and controlling person who also suffers from clinical depression as well.  He has been on and off with his meds to control the depression with is quite normal for people with depression; however, no pills ever stop him from being less manipulative or less abusive.  We have separated, in the past, for over 6months because of his behaviour, but I agreed to go back with him because he was getting counseling to get himself help (that is when he got diagnosed with Depression).  This happened 6 or 7 years ago, and within a year he discontinued counseling and reverted back to his usually abusive self. 

I made the decision to get a separation and made steps to retain a lawyer since the beginning of January of this year. We have gone to marriage counseling in the past and more recently counseling for separation.  One of the reasons I went to counseling was the psychologist wanted to help him deal with my decision for a separation and to try to even out some of the reasons (blame) why our marriage failed.  She asked me what my role in helping to breakdown our marriage was. I told her the when we began our relationship I enabled him to treat so disrespectfully and I never stood up for myself way back then.  I was very young (16 years) when we started going out with each other.  He was never satisfied with my answer to this question, and he continues to hound me to get a response that can take more of the blame from his shoulders, but I told him that I not going to make stuff up to make him feel better about himself.  He continues to be in denial about his abuse he has inflicted on me over all this years even with help from his psychologist.

I have discontinued going to counseling together because it wasn’t really going anywhere for both of us and it was a waste of money. Now, we are just trying to cope with living with each other in the same house until the court can allow me to proceed with the sale of our house.

Thanks for hearing me out.  I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on my situation.

Sounds like your counceller wasn't a good fit for you.  What is really needed is a counceller that is more familiar with abuse situations of all kinds - especially verbal/emotional abuse in your case.   

Sounds also like you have made your decision to move on in your life.  I too lived with my H till the divorce was settled.  It wasn't easy.   

Whether he is still there or not, you can still heal & recover from the abuse of the past.  Knowledge is key to recovery - the more you know about the game of abuse & how it's played out, the less you are a victim.  Learn all you can.  There are lots of books to read - one of the best being "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.  There are also lots of web sites you can visit including -  

www.verbalabuse.com 

www.ndvh.org 

www.nbcf.org 

www.ncadv.org 

www.drirene.com 

www.endabuse.org 

Some other great books - "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel - "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie - "Men who hate women & the women who love them" by Dr. Susan Forward. 

Recovery for the abuser is very seldom achieved, however, for YOU - there is SO much more for you than what you have settled for in the past!  You have suffered long enough!  You deserve so much more - you are worth it!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

There is a lot of info here on the websites and books that are really helpful-as are the archived posts.  For me, it really helped finding others whom unfortunately are in the same type of situation so then I was validated and reassured that I was NOT crazy like my h tried to have me believe.  Glad to see you here (though I am sorry for why you are here!) and I hope this board helps you.    

Never doubted it for a minute!   

Proud of you... but you know that already! 

Q 

If the abuse stopped for a few years, could it stop again?  Abuse is a CYCLE.  It has a tension building phase, an explosion and a honeymoon phase.  This cycle can last minutes, hours, weeks, months or even years. 

Is alcohol a truth serum?  Um... No. 

Most of what he said was when he was drinking, so maybe he didn't mean it. He says he doesn't have a drinking problem because he can be on the road 2 weeks without a beer.  

Alcohol is like a LIT MATCH to the flame of abuse.  If he abuses you when he's drinking, what does that tell YOU?  If you don't want to be abused be him, then he should QUIT permanently.  If he can't or won't do that, you should evaluate FOR YOURSELF whether YOU wish to expose yourself to the risk of his drinking. 

Generally it's been written that couples/marital counseling DOES NOT help victims of abuse -- personally I think ANY kind of counseling is better than none -- but there is some truth to what's been written.   

Marriage counseling is ALL ABOUT finding middle ground.  When you are the victim of abuse (physical, verbal or emotional) you have had ANY middle ground taken away from you and have allowed or given your "self" away.  You need to regain your "self" and get healthy BEFORE YOU can be the kind of partner your hubby needs. 

For right now, I suggest that you make YOUR SELF a priority and get some counseling ALONE. 

There are many, many women who are 50 who have found wonderful, fulfilling careers and make ends meet.  I think you are a bright and very capable woman.  You can find the right job and turn it into anything you want.  You are just defeated right now. 

You need a plan -- a plan for your life.  There is NOTHING more empowering than a plan. 

Q 

Hey everyone, my job didnt work out.  i had the feelling though and was prepared emotionally for it. i went to my first interview today, they offered me the job but i turned it down, completely wrong for me, but i talked to a woman i had worked with before and she encouraged me i could get  better job and more money, so hopefully i'll have another one before the week is out. anyhow h now has said at least 3 times that he'll go to south carolina w/o me. i know hes just saying it to make me go but still hes saying it. he wants me to just take anyhting the next 7 months. iwas miserable the last 3 at my last one and i'm not going through that again. he is getting worse, hes sarcastic, complainting and does everything he can to make it seem like hes doing everything. for example i come home from the interview nad hes cleaning my bathroom. i say dont do that i'll do it, of course this i after his comment that "i'm the dirtiest woman he knows"  so he left to get out for a bit, probally looking at porn somewhere or tlak ing to his dad on his cell. i've been thinking about getting a job that transfers around the time we move, i'm not going with him but this way its like i'm starting over. i will have to tell him in october november that i want a divorce so it can be done by feb. when he wants to move. i'd like to do it now but niether one of us can afford this place on own and out lease isn't up till feb.  hes getting worse though. i know he wil now that i dont hae a job. telling me just take what i'm offered, i did it and was miserable never again,.. at least i've learned htat leasson. by the way he cleaned the house, then as i'm goin up the staris to put away my shoes which he always complains about when i leave them out he says you're all over the place just sit down. ... watch later hell compalin that he had to clean the house and cook .well hes volunterring to. i'm frustrated. i've already told my grandmother my plans for divorce and my cousin thats all i'm telling though.  this way i have some suport. my grandmother seems to think that hes goin to get physically abusive i dont think so but i'm trying to be prepared for it. hopefully this next job will give me enoguht money that i can start saving some. h always wants me to sacrifice..........always me. anyway...i'm just going to start avioding him. slleping in the other room and such. he of course is saracastic with me and then blames me for it when i try to call him on it. telling me i have a bad attitude. oh well.. i'm down today. the weather is horrible i screemed 2 times b/c of lightning being close. i gtg dont know when h will be back. he acted as tough he was making the bed when i came home but hte comuter is reall slow at going off so i know he was on it. hopefully hes met someone else... that would be great.=-). then he'll find some way to come up witht he money to break the lease and we can get out of here.