Topic : Abuse

Hi Q, and everyone. I've not written for such a long time............ have been up and sown good and bad but essentially nothing for me has really changed. Oh perhaps that s not quite true, I have changed I have become more aware of how my relationship works : how the issue of  anger is central to the everyday dynamics and how these dynamics are meant to control me. crucially for me trying to understand why my husband would want to be so angry, mean, nasty vicious and ultimately quite creepy  was a vital thing. I could not understand why this man who clearly loves me - I know this for sure, would want to be so mean and horrible - and you know what : his issues are what make hi the way he is he doesn't get it  he really doesn't get it...............  

"Men like your husband just don't get it; they don't see what they're doing - but not knowing does not get one off the hook. Unfortunately, too often, they just don't get it, unless the partner gets entirely fed up and makes a dramatic statement - such as leaving the marriage."  

reading this paragraph from Dr Irene's site finally made the penny drop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

my daily existence is about him and his feelings and moods -   

I showed him a job advert I had received from my employers that I am going to apply for.  

normal person reaction - oh that sounds good lets hope you have a good chance  etc etc.  

his reaction - what is this, you think they would have told you about the job before you broke up for holidays......I said " the job is in a different department so they (the team I currently work with )would not have know about the job!!!!!! his reply " a college is a college what's all this differnet dept stuff............ I walk away deflated. ah but the story has a twist, 5 mins later he comes in the room and asks about the job saying " what about this job then sounds good you think you got a better chance cos its internal"....................what can I say!!!!!!  

my life is a pattern of  this type of behaviour.   

I need a wee bit of advice on the most recent incident.............I made a comment which was a bit unkind but near to the truth of how I felt about his actions towards me that morning. It very personal so don't want to discuss the incident however he stormed off in a rage because I insulted him and came back 5 mins later to tell me that of all the things I have done andsaid to him over the years this has beenthe worst. he went to work.  

I need to know how I should respond this evening cos he 'sgoing to be in a complete strop and the wounded victim. I don't want to engage in any converstion about what I said how can I keep detached ????????  

 I am getting better and better at the detaching thing but struggling with this one at present 

xx 

l111laf 

Hi Q, and everyone. I've not written for such a long time............ have been up and sown good and bad but essentially nothing for me has really changed. Oh perhaps that s not quite true, I have changed I have become more aware of how my relationship works : how the issue of  anger is central to the everyday dynamics and how these dynamics are meant to control me. crucially for me trying to understand why my husband would want to be so angry, mean, nasty vicious and ultimately quite creepy  was a vital thing. I could not understand why this man who clearly loves me - I know this for sure, would want to be so mean and horrible - and you know what : his issues are what make hi the way he is he doesn't get it  he really doesn't get it...............  

"Men like your husband just don't get it; they don't see what they're doing - but not knowing does not get one off the hook. Unfortunately, too often, they just don't get it, unless the partner gets entirely fed up and makes a dramatic statement - such as leaving the marriage."  

reading this paragraph from Dr Irene's site finally made the penny drop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

my daily existence is about him and his feelings and moods -   

I showed him a job advert I had received from my employers that I am going to apply for.  

normal person reaction - oh that sounds good lets hope you have a good chance  etc etc.  

his reaction - what is this, you think they would have told you about the job before you broke up for holidays......I said " the job is in a different department so they (the team I currently work with )would not have know about the job!!!!!! his reply " a college is a college what's all this differnet dept stuff............ I walk away deflated. ah but the story has a twist, 5 mins later he comes in the room and asks about the job saying " what about this job then sounds good you think you got a better chance cos its internal"....................what can I say!!!!!!  

my life is a pattern of  this type of behaviour.   

I need a wee bit of advice on the most recent incident.............I made a comment which was a bit unkind but near to the truth of how I felt about his actions towards me that morning. It very personal so don't want to discuss the incident however he stormed off in a rage because I insulted him and came back 5 mins later to tell me that of all the things I have done andsaid to him over the years this has beenthe worst. he went to work.  

I need to know how I should respond this evening cos he 'sgoing to be in a complete strop and the wounded victim. I don't want to engage in any converstion about what I said how can I keep detached ????????  

 I am getting better and better at the detaching thing but struggling with this one at present 

xx 

l111laf 

sorry guys I pressed the button twice so I'm duplicated!!!!!!!!!!!! 

xxl111laf 

     I married my ex-husband when I was 19 and we were married 16 years. Together a total of 18.5 years. Our children are now 10 and 7. He was the best husband you could ask for! He put me on a pedestal, he loved me. I thought I was tired of it...bored, I would've swore I didn't love him anymore. I'm the one that wanted our divorce 2 years ago and I got what I wanted. I won't lie I also met a guy.  

    I've been with this guy now for 2 years.....he says he loves me, wants to marry me. I've never been called any names before or disrespected by a man. This guy has called me every name in the book. The most recent was a divot face mule looking whore (I have no divots on my face) When we are trying to have a discussion and I voice my opinion he yells at me. I just stop talking and cry, because it hurts my feelings so much.  The other day when he called me that, we were moving a piece of his equipment. I was sitting in his truck, he had been yelling at me, then he said that to me. I  thought you know what I don't deserve that so I got out of his truck and started walking. I walked 3 miles with my purse and in 96 degree heat. A nice lady picked me up and took me home. He came in about 30 minutes later, with his uncle saying where did you go, you scared me.....I thought you must not have cared too much, you had to wait at least an hour before you came looking or you would've passed me walking on the roadway. He was acting in front of his uncle.  He has hit me a handful of times, knocked me into the door casing, bruised my eye,has bit my lip, busting it, kicked me, choked me. He always tries to make up for it but never apologizes for his behavior. Always says I started it somehow. He never does any of this in front of his kids or mine though. He has cussed me in front of his, but not mine. My kids love him and they love our home. My daughter wants me to be with him and marry him. I feel like I have let them down already by divorcing their dad, I hate to let them down again.  Its been mostly verbal abuse.....telling me how I'm going to hit rock bottom financially, how I'm not getting any younger(38), He told me I was flabby(5'5 125), (He's 6' 260), told me I had ugly feet, big hands, thin hair, a freeloader( but we moved 45 miles to be with him, I drive to work daily bk in my town and take my kids to school back in my town...I share joint custody with their daddy. And Ive spent 20gs in savings in 2 years being with him, paying mine and my kids way to six flags..entertainment....and just living because I spend all my extra money on gas) and  he says I live off him, because he pays the 1000g rent, that I paid 3 times & because he pays the utilities) I can't begin to write all the things he has called me or said about me. I was 100% secure when I met him......so I thought anyway....now I'm so insecure. Besides all that, he forgot my birthday 2 years in a row, never buys me any gifts. He makes over half million a year, I make 26gs a year and he says we're partners, but he never has helped me with 1 bill. When he  runs short though, he always comes to me ....I'm so sad about my life now. I love him, he's not  verbally abusive everyday. Its when he gets aggravated and he takes it all out on me. I told him I feel so alone...  

Hi , please don't feel alone. from this messageboard you will get the best advice and support needed to help you come to terms with what's happening and understand it a bit more.  

I am no expert on this kind of thing and am going through it myself and need the constant support and advice from those who know............. 

I have been married for 26 years and only over the past couple of years have I started to realise " this is not right.........I can't be wrong all the time. 

I recommned a website www.drirene.com  please have a read at this I found it inspiring.  

xx 

That is great that you desire to be a better person so that you can be a great husband and father. i would suggest that you find a loving church with a Pastor that is a mentor to men. A man of God that is married will make a wonderful counselor. Take your family to church. They say a family that pray together stay together. You should try Jesus, He is an awesome gentleman, so gentle, kind and loving is He. He will show you how to be a loving husband and lead you to the right people who will help. He will show you how to love.  It is good that you reconize the need for help. God bless you and may you the love He has for you. 

You said, "...then I would be on the lookout BIG TIME for any signs that your husband's relationship with the children is not changing according to their ages as they become adults."  I'm not sure what you meant.  What changes should I be looking for? 

As far as distinguishing the difference between being a PARENT who is trying to teach their children right from wrong and being abusive HAD been a difficult thing to distinguish for me.  I know HE sees it as discipline.  I know it is wrong.  I NOW see that my standing by and just watcing his froceful tactics, his aggressive behaviors and his volatile threats towards them is just as wrong as he is.  It all affects them.  And even though its not like that all the time, I know I need to open my mouth and stop it, protect them in front of him right when it happens.  I made the mistake thinking that it would be better if I didn't "rock the boat further" by standing up to him.  I would just pray inside that it would end soon.  Once in a while I would say something like "stop" or "that's enough".  And yes, in the past that would create another, bigger outburst of anger.  But I say NO MORE!  I won't let it happen again.  Just curious, when you were growing up, and your dad would verbally abuse you, what would your mother do?  Was there a mom around?  Sorry, I read some of your more recent posts, but not all of them if you've already gone through this info. 

I had a few good days to really think this through. Yes, I see the necessity of counseling.  I will suck it up and stop making excuses.  Monday I'll be making the necessary phone calls to set something up. 

Gimme a 'B' --- Gimme an 'E'  (I'm cheerleading here!)  

You sound so much more definite.  I'm so proud of you, I'm practically leaping off my chair.  

Keep it up, girl.  You are moving in the right direction.   Wow!    

Lyn