Topic : Abuse

but seriously, its not been easy its been a 7 year struggle! since his your boyfriend , not your hubby : one honest word of advice: DUMP HIM !!!! you are here on a abuse board witch means there is a form of abuse and you sit with a porn problem! this guy is sick , get your kids and get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats all I can say! this won't change this guy has toooooo many issues! leave him now !  it doesn't help to tell you he'll change , he won't you can't make him ! only he can and since he is happy with all this he won't . think about it he has all 6 sides of his bread buttred ! he has a human garbage disposal that will put up with his slaunder, he has a human blow up doll and his porn all at the same time! what more could he want???????

You are so much more worth then that ! don't sell your self so short! you deserve so much more. don't put your self through this! leave that sick  B and get what you desrve! don't fool your self with thinking its love . . . love is not like this ! love is freedom , gentleness, kindness, careing and respect!. and so much more and you need and deserve all that. dump him and go get it!

he aint worth it honey! he just ain! my hubby can ge how frustrated with me he NEVER < NEVER calls me names , hits me or talks to me with no respect , not even IF i ASKED FOR IT AND HE NEVER tries to control what I do, where I go or who I see! I always inform him of my things out of respect for what we have and because I want him as part of it but he never tells me what to do !

I have forgotten the anxouse feeling when waiting for my ex to come home , thinking : what did or didn't i do today to piss him off, wondering what was wrong with me that all I cause is this man to hit, rape and swear at me!  the denial is some thing terrible, some women are so badly brain washed that if you explain itn to them in writing with diagrams and all they would still believe its normal and their fault! its a terrible place to be , but hopefully we all can get the message across !

Hi everyone - thanks for reading this.  I have never before posted a message on a forum of any kind, but I decided to do so now because I have many questions and I really don't have anywhere to turn.  I desparately need some feedback and direction as to how to deal with the problems in my marriage.

 

I have been married for a little over two years, and I am 37 and my husband is 40.  He has two children from his first marriage, ages 9 and 11.  I have no kids, and this is my first marriage, his second.  I work full time, and he is on full disability from failed back surgery, so he doesn't work, but he is more active than most men I know.  So, he either sleeps all day and night, or spends time with his kids, or is out drinking and running around with his friends. 

 

I have several issues that I need help with, but there is no way that I can put it all down at once, but now I need help with trust and respect issues.  Our marriage is one of those that when it's good it's very good, but when it turns bad it gets really, really ugly. The other night I came home from work I usually work 2pm to 11pm) and he was gone, there was no note, no message, nothing.  At 12:30am he calls and tells me that he's out drinking with his friends, and when I started asking him where he was, when will he be home, etc. he said he'll call me right back and hung up, and then never did call back.  He finally came in about 8:30am like it was perfectly natural.  When I confronted him he tells me that as long as he's not out chasing women he has a right to go out with his friends all night if he wants to.  We fought about it most of the day, and later that night he tells me that we were invited to go out with some friends, and he was already ready to leave.  When I was in the shower, he stole my credit card and my car keys, and left in the truck. Since I knew where he would be, I took a taxi to where he was to get my truck (the truck is in my name, the car in his) and called the credit card company and reported the card stolen.  When I got there I found that he had hidden the truck, so I was forced to confront him.  He thought it was funny that I had found a way out since he had taken my car keys, and tried to get along with me, but still was so condescending and disrespectful to me in front of our friends.  I barely talked to him all night, and when we got home, he dropped me off and left again in my truck, even though I had asked him to take his own car - he drives vehicles into the ground.  He went to get gas using my card, but of course it wasn't any good, so he came back and thought I wasn't home, and tried to steal one of my checks.  When I confronted him he got very angry and got up in my face and told me to take care of the gas bill and left again. 

 

He goes through money like we have tons of it, and just pisses it all away, even though we are about to have our electric disconnected.  Every time I see him he tells me to give him money, and when I tell him that I don't have any, he gets really mad.  When he gets his check, he pays the rent and the rest he blows in two days, and then it's up to me to figure out how to get through the next two weeks until I get paid.  Then when I do, we end up fighting because I won't give him a bunch of money to blow.

 

I can't put more than ten bucks of gas in either vehicle, because if I do, he will take that vehicle and drive all over until the gas is gone, and then I have to worry about how I'm going to get to work.

 

He shows me no respect or consideration. To everyone else, he is just as sweet as pie, will give them the shirt off his back, but to me he is awful.  He refuses to pick up around the house, and when he does do a load of laundry, it is just his clothes, only one or two small pieces of my laundry just so I can't accuse him of doing only his stuff.  The other day I went off on him because he had been in bed for three days straight and left at least a case of empty pop cans around his side of the bed, but last night he made a big show of picking up our friend's place.

 

There is just so many problems, I don't know how to explain it all.  But just on what I've said here, I need to know what I have to do to get him to respect me - I know that I need to show him that I won't put up with his little games, but exactly HOW do I do that? What do I do? Do I need to leave him and move out? When he stays out all night, what do I do to show him that is unacceptable to me? I've told him a hundred times, but he insists that I'm wrong.  I'd turn around and stay out all night myself, but I don't have anywhere to go to do that - since I work all the time, I don't have tons of friends that like to party all night like he does.

 

I am ready to get out of this relationship, but I am afraid that if I do, I will miss him straightening up and being the good man that he can be - I guess that is why I am hesitating to leave.  I really don't have anyplace to go, and my family is all on the other side of the country.  I just don't know what to do, and it's ridiculous.  I'm sure he is laughing at me because here I am taking everything he dishes out, and that's because I don't know what to do about this situation.  I'm sure that after reading this you are thinking that it's a no-brainer, easy decision to get out, but I haven't told you of the good things, the reasons why I married him in the first place and why I still love him. But, he is becoming more and more of a liability and I'm afraid that he will end up ruining me.  Please help!!

men like this don't just change! it sounds like the dissabillity is gone to his head! and now he expects you to do it all. next he'll be asking you t cut, chew, swallow and digest hid food! I'd say move out and get a seperation for  a few months. that gives you time to think about it all and straighten your self out  and see if he will to ask him to go for counciling ( after you move out) or you won't even concider moving back! and then see how it goes. threatening to leave some one that is abusive in any way is not a good choice as this could change the abuse to a physical level , and you don't want that ! just be careful. but my thought is leave .

I hope this helps!

Welcome here!!!!

First off welcome to the boards....believe me, folks are here to help.

 

We do offer encouragement and support.....however....the information will come to you in many forms.

 

It will be honest, direct, and to the point.

 

The dynamics of Domestic Abuse and Violence are complex and many women will not or do not believe that they are involved in that scenario.

 

BAD NEWS, THEY ARE.

 

You are being abused.

 

He is abusing you.

 

Ever heard the old saying ????  "when he's good, he's very, very good.......and when he's bad....he's horrid !!!!! HORRID !"

 

Thats your abuser, your husband.

 

Most of them are showing that behavior.....that "good" portion is what some women "cling" to.....in hope that he will act the way that they want them to be......but guess what.......you are looking at the whole package........the horrid, bad times........the abuse.........his deliberate choices......are meant to knock you off guard......keep you off balance.......and HIM...... IN CONTROL OVER YOU.

 

First off, it sounds like he has an additional problem....ALCOHOL.

 

So there are 2 HUGE problems that he has.....ABUSE, AND THE ALCOHOL.

 

I ALSO DON'T APPRECIATE THAT HE COLLECTS DISABILITY $$$ funds and yet he is out partying and blowing $$$$, and seems active enough to get a damn job.   That alone gets my goat and says alot about his value system.

 

Lets go on....

 

Lets see what else is happening....

 

He's out all night......DRINKING......neither of those behaviors and choices are acceptable.

 

You are given no respect or consideration.....no respect for your relationship either.( emotional and verbal abuse )

 

He uses male privilege.....against you and to control you.  (another tactic in his abuse of you )

 

You fight with him.....after he sets the ball in motion with his deliberate behaviors......then after working this up further........he then up and tells you that you guys are expected at another gathering of his choosing.......and you are expected to go........GIVE ME A BREAK. !  You go......gee , whiz.....where are your boundaries and guidelines.?

 

HE STEALS.....

 

HE PREVENTS YOU FROM YOUR OWN COMINGS AND GOINGS......HE STEALS AND TAKES YOUR CAR KEYS TO CONTROL YOU AND UPSET YOU....AND MAKE THINGS FAR WORSE ON TOP OF IT ALL.    You are left stranded....further abuse on his part.  Jerking your emotional and psychological chain. 

 

HE PLAYS HEAD GAMES, HE IS TOYING WITH YOUR EMOTIONAL WELLBEING.

 

He steals your credit card......wow !......no way to trust a person like that.....he is proving over and over that he can't be trusted......see it for what it is.

 

Good for you taking a taxi......and calling the credit card company.......good boundaries on the credit card situation..........he will run you in the ditch financially and your credit rating will suffer, too.

 

He is already blowing money that is suppose to be coming in to the house.....the marriage.

 

Financial Abuse at work here, too.

 

Creates a confrontation with an audience......banking on the fact that you will explode with the pent up stuff that no one knows about but YOU.........how does that make you feel.......being set up?

 

He's stealing your checks......that would be forgery.......let alone theft......more financial abuse....along with the other abuse that he is pouring on you.

 

HE IS THREATENING YOU, whether you realize it or not......his getting up in your face.....toe to toe....is a form of PHYSICAL ABUSE......along with verbal and emotional abuse.

 

Do you see that?      What to hell do you have thats good in this guy that you can take this and not see it for what it is?

 

You are looking at WHO HE REALLY IS.......THERE ISN'T ANYONE HIDING INSIDE THIS GUY.  Not someone safe or respectable to live with.

 

He is using you Financially......he is abusing his money that is coming in....you are standing there with collectors on your back for simple utility bills.....your gas about to be turned off.  Soon you will have your credit ruined by him.....then what......you will not be able to thrive.......just what he wants....you imprisoned there with horrid him.

 

You have to be one step ahead of him all the time.....that gets tiring.....that will tear you down further on top of the "breaking of your spirit" through all his other deliberate choices and abuse antics.

 

He is all "outside performance" unless those friends of his.....are aware enough to see thru him and his despicable antics.......if they are part of the problem......then they are condoning his treatment of you........THEY ARE NOT FRIENDS IF THAT IS THE CASE.

 

You're doing a great job describing what's happening.....but  I can assure you that they are not problems...........not normal problems that can be worked out.........you are dealing with abuse....in many forms and he is not someone that is going to straighten up......or fly right.

 

YOU ARE DEALING WITH AN ABUSER.

 

One with an Alcohol addiction, too.

 

2 REAL BIG DEAL BREAKERS.

 

You are not dealing with someone who will respect......you......or your way of life even.......I venture a guess that there is a element of having problems with respecting women in general......that also feeds into this......abuse, too.

 

Move out......or put him out.

 

HOW WOULD IT BE......HOW WOULD IT PLAY OUT IF THE  locks  were changed when he stays out all night.....a locksmith will come 24/7..........You DO NOT NEED TO LOWER YOURSELF TO HIS LEVEL BY STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT......THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER TO ANY OF IT.

 

He's not going to straighten up.

 

He's not going to change.

 

You are not going to miss out on any of that happening.

 

Leave the relationship before you are completely destroyed by his abuse of you.

 

I do hope that you have told your family what your life is like......you need a close support group  around you.....even if by way of phone........he will up his ante when you decide to RESPECT YOURSELF........and you may well have to flee to the other side of the country for a new life.

 

I don''t want to hear of the good things.....cause what little they occur in the cycle of abuse......they do not make up for the fact that you are being abused, daily......with his antics and his aftermath......even when he's in the "peace stage" or "honeymoon stage".....of the cycle.....before it starts over again.....the abuse cycle........he can't make up for any of the abuse........THE GAS COMPANY IS NOT LOOKING FOR ANY GOOD IN HIM........THEY SEE THE IRRESPONSIBILITY AND THE LACK OF RESPECT.

 

Those specks of good are not enough.........and DO NOT A WHOLE MAN MAKE !!!!!!

 

He's already ruining you...........................in so many ways.

 

he is Not going to suddenly change...

 

He is not going to be different with somebody else.

 

If he is dangerous to be around........do Not confront him on any of this........as he can not be trusted to care about your safety.......his abuse will escalate.

 

You will be in danger.

 

Call 911 and get out to safety.

 

You need to have a safety plan in place anyway with all the abuse and tactics that he's using now.

 

Safety first.

 

There it is ......blunt and to the point........been there done that........it doesn't change.....it won't get better and in time it will get worse...........soon it will be more bad...........with no signs of the good.......and the reasons that he gave you in the beginning will be nothing but a faded scene of false  behavior in order to hook you in.......memories.

 

Memories of the man that you thought he was.

 

My dear he is showing you clearly WHO HE REALLY IS.

 

You either don't want to see it.........or you are not ready to respect yourself.

 

You do have choices here.

 

Start with informing your family of what you are really living.

 

Then be honest with yourself.

 

Take care.

 

I care.

 

Remember , if you need them the police and local domestic abuse resources in your community are there to help and protect you.

 

Don't underestimate your abuser.

 

Stay safe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You say good luck to all of you.

 

Well you are one of them!

 

Do you see that you are being abused, also?

My husband and I have been through ALOT. But he has never just called me names. This shows that he does not respect you what so ever. Especially the children, to ever disrespect their mother in front of them shows he has no respect. Is this what his parents did??? This could be a reason he does these things. And believe you me, where there is a will there is a way  and if he wanted to cheat IT DON'T TAKE MUCH. Where does he live??? I am not understanding what you are saying about he doesn't feel he needs to talk to you everyday if he lives with you?? What kind of names is he calling you?? When does he do this, what is the situation when he does this? And call me old fashioned but a man should never reject Cuddling, ever. The only exception I can make is when he is watching sports, and I am sure just about everyone can agree with me on that. Maybe he does have a genuine love for you and the kids he just needs to work on some issues with you. Have you tried to talk to him about these issues???? Because if you have and he is ignoring the problem, this is a sign that he does not want to face it or fix it. Hope to hear from you soon.

The kids have heard it but not often.

 

Telling yourself some lies here?

 

One time affects them.

 

I'm sure they are not protected from it all.

 

He's got plenty of vocabulary to say the mean, hateful things!    A choice to do it on his part.

 

Just as its a choice to NOT talk, or speak, or converse.   A choice!

 

Its not cause he can't or doesn't have the other vocabulary.

 

 

 

I hear you making excuses for him.......and you're not calling it what it is.

 

Great dads don't abuse the kids mother.

 

He's not being a great partner if he is abusing you.....and he is.

 

So he pays his share of the bills.....most mature responsible men in the world do.

 

You accept alot of what he says.

 

You accept blame for his problems.

 

You question what you want and need.

 

I hear lots of excuses....justification....and minimizing.

 

Blunt and to the point !   On my part.

 

I care.

 

 

 

 

For right now....what you need to concentrate on......is NOT what causes him to fear intimacy? 

 

 

BUT..........the fact that he does it.

 

........................the fact that its affecting your relationship.

 

...................................the fact that he is not open to discussion about it.

 

.............................................the fact that he wants it that way.

 

.....................................................the fact that he doesn't want it to change.

 

..........................................................the fact that its happening and controlling your life.