Topic : Abuse

Though I am sure that and 'intimacy' is on his mind. He tells me that he is usually upset with how we are living right now. I, in the other room and him doing what he wants, coming and going. I am fine with him coming and going, it really is nothing new. He says that he has been trying so hard and making changes, when I am not doing anything he feels he wants me too - like hugging or kissing him, 'acting' like we are married and so forth, being his friend.

Yes, he is very selfish, I am very tired of him telling me that I am. I have told him that his behavior is unacceptable and I do walk away. It is usually later when he calms down or hasn't got mad enough to slam things around. He will say that he is angry and announce that he has a right to be angry.

I am just so done and so stuck that it hurts so much and is eating away at me. I am getting depressed again and have had to have some medical shots that have changed my hormone levels so some days I just don't know which end is up.

About having sex with him...I know for a fact, that I would probably kill myself if I did, or kill him in self defense. Take care :)

I know that you asked for feedback, but I just couldn't and most days still can't. To much on my plate to add more drama to it. I have the same feelings about people misinterpreting things said here. I will try to 'defend' more when needed. 

Glad to hear that you have gotten some 'little drops from heaven' lately - like from your nephew. Stay strong around the toxins, you are better then all that. Take care  :)

I really don't like this 'if you don't like the message, attack the messenger' stuff going on lately.  I know we've had this happen in the past.  I kinda sorta thought we were through with it, though.

Personal attacks, thinly veiled in words taken out of context or misquotes, are inappropriate.  What's wrong with a plain old 'I disagree'?  Who among us is so insecure we have to try to build a consensus?

Keep on keeping on, my friend.  I've got your back.

peace

Lyn

Buickfan, I grew up with abuse from a parent.  Would you like to talk about it?  I understand that you want your dad to change.  I have always wanted my mom to change.  I've done a lot to try to make that happen, but it hasn't worked yet and she's old--I don't think it's going to happen.  She sees nothing wrong with her behavior.  Does your dad see anything wrong with his?  Has he ever admitted that he has done anything wrong?  My mom hasn't.  She came close, once, in a very vague way, but in the same sentence made excuses for it. 

 At this point, I would be happy if she would just quit being abusive (verbally, emotionally, etc)--never mind apologies for the past.  She is very, very defensive.  Is your dad that way if someone calls him on his abusive behavior?

The non-abusive men of this world also needs to take an ACTIVE stand against the widespread abuse/bullying of women and children/ or lets just say PEOPLE, not to exclude anyone!!!

As long as this is considered a "gender"-issue.....and one is labeled a radical feminist (not to be taken seriously) as soon as one opens ones mouth to tell naked and cruel truth about abuse and it's devastating effects on people....then there is not much hope for change......

I am coming back to post some more about this tomorrow..................thank you, P for bringing this up...again and again......:)

Some of you might remember this from a while back.....I thought it appropriate to post yet again.....

My baby-girl is 4 years old. She is a princess. She loves her little princess-dresses, and wears

her Disney-princess-sneakers to Pre-school every day. She has long, blond hair and beautiful

blue eyes….and she looks like a little princess!! Sometimes she likes to dress up in her

Pirate’s gear, and be the scary “captain Sabre-tooth”…she looks kind of cute in her black

Pirate’s hat with feathers on them. But she is a princess first and foremost….and I have decided not to read her any of the traditional fairytales about Princesses, like Cinderella, Snow-white and sleeping beauty….and I’ll tell you why.

Well. Consider Cinderella. She lives with her terrible, abusive step-mom and two step-sisters

and she is treated horribly. Her father is somewhere in the picture, but he never speaks up for

her or tries to help her. When Cinderella is not working her fingers to the bone trying to

satisfy her step mom or –sisters every whim, she sits in the fireplace, raking the embers. She

never tries to change or escape her terrible life. When the night of the much awaited ball

comes, all Cinderella does, is sit there dreaming and  wishing she could go. But powerless as

she is, she does nothing to be able to participate herself….nothing but wish….. and

then…..viola!!!…. Here comes the fairy-God-mother and fulfils Cinderella’s  every

wish…..gives her a beautiful carriage and a gorgeous gown…..and the famous glass-slippers.

And then, Cinderella goes to the ball…the prince is struck by her beauty….(the story says

nothing about it being her wit that enthralled her prince….) and he dances only with her all

night long.

And when the clock strikes 12, we all know what happens…. Cinderella has to go, because

The Magic disappears at midnight…. and her prince is left on the castle steps, with only a glass-slipper to remind him of the beauty he spent the whole night with.

And then, the search for the beauty with the tiny feet starts. The prince travel all over the land,

trying to find the beautiful girl he danced with at the ball. When he comes to Cinderella’s house, she does not come forward to meet an greet him, but stays in the background until she reluctantly comes forward to try the shoe on, just as the Prince is preparing to leave…and then they, off course, live happily ever after.

Snow-white and Sleeping Beauty have ever worse faiths. They both fall into comas, and are dependant on a prince not only to find them, he also has to find them so attractive in their vegetative state, that he just HAS to kiss them….and that kiss is the only thing that can save her. If the prince doesn’t come, or if he, God forbid, would find it repulsing to kiss a life-less creature, then Snow-white and Sleeping Beauty’s fates would be sealed…forever caught in eternal sleep, with no means to escape.

All of these girls are helpless victims. Both Snow-white and Cinderella are being abused by a close family-member, the wicked step-mum, and both have fathers that does nothing to help them when their step-mothers abuse these poor girls. Sleeping Beauty falls victim to a wicked witch.

Oh, they all have my deepest sympathy…..but especially Cinderella really irritate me……why doesn’t she DO something???!? Why doesn’t she go to her father and tell him how she is treated? Why doesn’t she run away and try to create a better life for herself…in stead of daydreaming about balls and handsome princes, she should be making a plan to CHANGE and take charge of her own life!!!!! And on the night of the ball, when the prince is obviously smitten by her, why doesn’t she just stay with him at the strike of midnight? Why doesn’t she trust that after all the time the prince has spent in her company at the ball, he would still like her and love her when he sees her in her rags?

What does Cinderella teach us?

• She teaches us that if we are good girls, having really bad stuff happening to us, we should wait for someone like a Fairy-God-Mother or a Prince to come save us.
• She teaches us that if we endure and suffer in silence, we will be rewarded and saved in the end.
• She teaches us that we should never let our prince see us out of our ball-gown (or make-up) because he might fall out of love with us, and then he would not be interested in saving us…..and then we would be doomed forever….

About the Beauty, Belle and a Norwegian nameless Princess.

In the Norwegian folk-tale King Valemon White Bear, a beautiful princess is taken captive by a mean, big, white bear. He keeps her a captive in his castle; he is treating her terribly, and causes her major heartbreak. He disappears at night, though, and every night the princess is visited by a beautiful, loving, caring Prince….he sleeps with her every night, and she falls deeply in love with him. Every day at dawn, he disappears, and the Princess spend her days fighting with her mean captor, the white bear, and dreaming about her gorgeous prince. One morning, she decides to follow her beautiful prince and lover, to see where he disappears to every morning….and, you guessed it…..The prince is transformed into the big, bad White Bear every morning!!!!….. And you know the rest of the story…. The Prince is under a spell, and only the love of a beautiful princess can save him….but off course, she has to love the big, bad bear, it’s not enough that she loves the handsome and good prince he is at night…..but when she knows that he can be the most caring loving prince, she has no trouble at all loving the bear….because she knows there is a wonderful side to him, and that he will be like that all the time, if she only loves him enough. And so she does, and he is saved, and they live happily ever after.

Well, this Norwegian tale has a lot of similarities with Beauty and the Beast. In Lundy Bancroft’s book, he goes into this specific fairytale….if you have read the book, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

After reading mr .Bancroft’s book, I watched the Disney-movie, Beauty and the Beast. It is beautiful, but it has a very, very disturbing message!

It starts off with scenes where Belle lives a happy, free life with her dad in their tiny village. Some of her fellow villagers find her strange and peculiar, but she is a free spirit with a mind of her own, and doesn’t care what people think about her. And, you all know what happens….she is captured and held a prisoner in the Beasts castle. The Beast is so powerful, all attempts to free her from his prison, fail.

The Beast is victim of a terrible spell, and he has only limited time to have the spell lifted, or he will be doomed forever. Belle has to love him, that is the only way he can ever be saved. So he takes her freedom away, deprives her of every impulse from others than himself, in his attempt to make her love him. And, somehow, Belle manages to see beyond the terrifying way he looks, and the horrible way he treats her, and starts to love him, just as time is running out for the beast…..and they live happily ever after.

And I must agree with mr. Bancroft on this…the message in these two fairy-tales are very disturbing…they tell us that if you need someone to love you, you can do ANYTHING to make her do just that….You can treat her badly, lock her up until she understands that staying with you is in her own best interest……

The stories tells us that if we only love someone enough, that is whole-heartedly, without any shadow of a doubt, then they will change from monsters to handsome princes, and they will love you for ever. If he does not change, it’s because you didn’t love him enough to lift the spell.

Does this condone abuse? Off course it does. The stories we hear and the films we see as children, do affect us. They affect how we feel and how we imagine our own lives to be. If your idea of romantic love is having been swept of your feet and being saved by a handsome prince, you might be easy prey to someone who will not treat you right. If you believe that you are worth nothing before a prince finds you and saves you, chances are you will be seeing that prince everywhere and in every man, because you need to meet him to start living for real, and have a full life.

If you think that if you only love someone enough, all the hurt and pain in your life will go away…..and if you are treated badly by someone, all you need to do is show them enough love, they’ll change, and you’ll live happily ever after…Then you might be in for an unpleasant and heartbreaking time in your life, when you realize that no matter how much you love your monster/abusive husband/Handsome Prince in disguise, it will not  make him start treating you like the princess you really are.

I do not believe that all is fair in love and war….and I  do think that fairytales like this effects us…. I remember reading Rapunzel as a small girl….and even today, at age 43,  I have hip-length-hair. (I swear it’s true it was the story of Rapunzel that inspired me!!!!)

My baby-girl has a book called: “Because that’s what princesses do….” It is the cutest book I have ever seen, and both Baby-girl and I love it.

It starts of very traditionally by the Princess waking up in her big four-poster bed in the morning, having a lavish breakfast in bed…”Because that’s what Princesses do….” She picks out an outfit from a VAST wardrobe (containing everything from pink, frilly princess-dresses, to diving suits and ski-gear….) a crown for the day, and gets to work….”because that’s what Princesses do”.
She starts of her day by doing modern Princess duties…. she opens a bridge and christens a ship….”Because that’s what princesses do”…But then there is a twist in the story…The Princess goes off to play hockey…. and she tackles the most, ands skates the fastest….”Because that’s what Princesses do….” The Princess goes of to visit a little village in her country, and has to save all the villagers from a wild bunch of bandits while she is there…..and no sooner has she hunted the bandits away, here comes a fire-breathing dragon to the village!!! The Princess has to slay the dragon, and save her people yet again. And she does….with a sword in one hand, and a stick with a sausage on in the other…..she barbecues her Hot-dog in the flames of the Dragons breath, while she wins the battle with the dragon single-handedly….”Because that is what Princesses do….”

And in the end, she frees a handsome prince being held captive by a wicked witch, and marries him….”Because that’s what princesses do….”.

I love this book!!! …I love the message it has for my Baby-girl, “”if you are a princess”, like she is, “then you can do ANYTHING!!!” Don’t you girls prefer that too: “If you are a princess, you can do nothing but wait and hope for someone to come save you, because you can’t save your self”…?

So, do you gals (and guys) see why I think the princess role needs some serious revising?

Love

Peace

And may your princess-crowns give you great courage and strength.

Eventyr (meaning Fairytale in Norwegian….)

Just wanted you to know that my "the dynamics of not wanting to know" -post a few days ago was intended as feedback to your questions/request for feed-back about the ever-recurring question of why the victim always seems to be the one to blame.....:)

I, just like you, am disgusted by how easily a lot of people tend to blame the victim when it comes to abuse....even if the knowledge and the research is out there for anyone to dig deep into.....

Please, keep up the good work....it is thoroughly appreciated!!!

Eventyr

I enjoyed the re-print of the princess story.  I never realized how pervasive the myth can be until I read it the first time.  Will this be part of your masters thesis? 

Lyn

I wish I could include it....don't know yet if it's possible.... I don't know if there is that much room for creative writing in the thesis......I might just be able to include it somehow in my chapter about gender....and gender roles. I don't think you can write about abuse, scientifically or otherwise, without some reflection upon gender-roles....I guess I need to discuss it with my counselor.....

E