Topic : Abuse

Good to read that you are well! 

And working as hard as ever I see!

Wow such great milestones!

Take care and see you 'round!  Q

Glad to know that you are doing well too -- if I can ever figure out who you were before -- EEK!

Did I read correctly that you or your posts were "discovered"?  If so, I hope you held up your boundaries and your right to live YOUR life the way YOU want!

If you can, please post an update so maybe I can put 2-n-2 together!

Be gentle, Q

If you know that you've lost woh you are, I bet you aren't really fooling your family either.

I kept the fact that I was abused a secret from most of my family too.  When I did open up, I felt better for it, but when I returned to my abuser, most of my family didn't understand AT ALL.  That's the downside of being honest.

But I left for a final time and my family was right there waiting for me -- so to speak.

As for getting therapy, I can tell you that I begged, pleaded, and manipulated my Ex into going to counseling.  At first he promised to go, then he backed out at the last minute.  Instead of canceling I kept the appointment.  Counseling was the SINGLE BEST thing I did to heal.  And I did ALOT.

So even if hubby won't go, YOU GO, okay? 

It will help you find the you you've lost!  Q

My Ex made ALOT of threats.

He threatened to kill me, to kill himself, to the kill the kids, to burn down houses (plural!), and to hurt my friends and family.

But the threat that kept me in the home WAY longer that I should have been there was the threat that he would take my kids and I would never see them again.  I, too, asked him if he meant kidnapping.  His response was a typical abuser response... VAGUE.

My rule on threats is this... if someone says they are going to do something, believe them.

So I suggest that do EVERYTHING in your power to not let him get away with his EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.  That's just what he is doing to you --- blackmailing you so that you will do what HE wants instead of what you know to be right and true for YOUR life.

And you have 2 choices.  You can let him get away with it or you can call him on it.

By calling him on it, I mean that you come face-to-face with your fears and act ANYWAY.

I suggest that you tell EVERYONE about his threats.  I suggest that you contact an attorney and FIND OUT what YOUR legal rights are regarding custody.  Knowledge is power.

I also suggest that you educate your self about abuse.  The more you understand it, the more you can FIGHT it.

Take care, Q

And your Ma's pain!

Sounds like your StepDad is the "go away/come closer" type.  It may be that he is afraid to be in a truly committed relationship.  Living with someone who has that kind of fear of intimacy is ripe for CRAZYMAKING!

I think, perhaps, your MA needs to decide whether she is going to sit around and wait for this guy or move on.  Personally, my vote would MOVE ON because waiting is only going to bring her more of the same.

As for your not knowing what to do to help, that's a really NORMAL feeling.  I think that your just being there to listen is a comfort to your Mom.

The best thing your Mom can do is grieve... that will take time. 

If she finds she's stuck in her grieving, she needs to seek the help of counselor.

Take care! Q

Your situation sounds very confusing and depressing, its so sad that your husband is so disrespectful to you. His threats sound very scary, I know, but remember that they are threats comming from his fear, he is playing on your fear...while he is treating you like garbage, at the same time he is scared that you would really leave, this is why he has made such drastic threats regarding your child. He sounds like the classic abuser; it starts out small, and gets worse and worse, right? I urge you to NOT wait for his temper to escalate any further. You wanting to be closer to your family is very, very reasonable, you need the love and support of your family right now. Also, he needs to know that you will not allow him to continue treating you this way! If you do nothing, this won't get better on its own. I know it is very difficult, but you've got to decide what is best for you,  your child, and this unborn baby, and you know that being safe is the most important thing. Its easy to try to 'trick' yourself into thinking he'll stop being mean; he'll stop lieing, etc...but the reality is that he can't stop because this is how he has been living his life for so long. You've made a mistake by marrying this man, but its okay- you are only  human, forgive yourself and move forward. I wish you the best.

One thing I've learned from my therapy is that when abuse is the issue, couples should NOT go jointly, because he could use something you said later against you.

You really should start therapy. It makes a huge difference. I'm in individual and group therapy, and it helps a lot to find others in my situation. These women understand exactly what I'm saying and feeling. Most, like me, have never been struck physically. The bruises are inside, eating away at the person I once was and who I'm trying to recapture. Through therapy I'm learning a lot and very, very slowly, I'm learning to find myself again.

All types of women are in this situation, women from every socio-economic category, brilliant, educated women, wealthy women. Abuse doesn't escape anyone, and there's no shame in it.

I still haven't told my family or friends...I'm still grappling with it. I've been married a lot longer than you have (more than twice as long). Here's the question to ask yourself....

Do you still want to be in this same position 10 years from now? If the answer is no, get help. If not for you, then for your children.