Topic : Abuse
Whether it's physical, sexual, or verbal, abuse is unacceptable. Are you a survivor? Share your story.
If you believe you need immediate assistance, please call your local emergency number or crisis hotline listed in your local phone book's government pages. You can also find more help on our General and Mental Health Resources and Domestic Violence Resources pages.
|
May 22, 2007, 7:18 pm PDT
 Quote From: jaustinshup I have seen so many people say to go through counseling. Does counseling really help that much? I have thought about going to my church. Or to another church in my town. But my biggest fear is that word would get out to people that I know. Or the church worker/person I talked to I would know on a personally. I live in a very, VERY small town. I am afraid that I am to embarressed to go that route.
I have never even thought about reading into sex addictions. I had just assumed that he enjoyed sex and I am just not interested in it. It makes feel uncomfortable and dirty. So I hardly ever am in the mood. So needless to say, he doesnt ever get sex. And I had assumed that was the reason why he focused so much on sex. He doesnt always talks about sex, probably more than I or he realize. But he will touch me in ways that I dont like and make me feel dirty. I have tried telling him how it makes me feel but only to no avail.
He knows a little about my past abuse. I have told him that it happened. But I have never gone into any kind of details at all. I am suprised that he wants sex alot. Dont get me wrong. I understand that some people like alot of sex. But I am suprised because about 30 years ago he had inlisted in the military, and during his basic training, he was supposedly raped by another man. He told me this long before he had found out about my past abuse. He seems to be past it though.
I know that he would go to counseling if he thought that it would help me. Depending on how much it cost, he probably could afford it. that is if he would be willing to spend the money on it. He just assume put finacial things on hold just so he could keep as much $$$ in his pocket. Dont get me wrong since we got back together a little over a year ago we have not had the utilities turned of or late in rent. B ut he will call the utilities and see if he can be late a few days past the cut of date. I have know idea if he would be willing to pay for me to go on my own.
I am a bit to emberrassed to let him know that it is still effecting me the way that it his. I have tried my hardest to keep my feelings hidden. I honestly do not know how he would take it if I told him how it is still effecting me the way it is. He has health insurance from his work. But he doesnt want to add me to it because then the premiums would go up a little, which would be less money in his pocket. I feel so helpless when it comes to this.
Peace to you, and as you search your soul for answers, you will realize your helplessness is just your feeling, and you have the spirit and the power to make changes. Just some musings as I light a candle for you to find your way -
Liberating the Mind
The mind is the warrior's greatest adversary. We can cut through this by noticing our thoughts rather than believing or identifying with them. Things happen, but nothing ultimately means anything; therefore we make up our own meanings. We relate our subjective interpretation of what occurs - all the associated feelings and meanings. We need to understand and accept these feelings, but we need to recognize that psychological damage is rarely a function of the event itself, but rather results from the minds reaction to that event.... happenings when the mind resists what is.
You are in my heart as you search yours.
Indigomountain |
|
|
May 22, 2007, 7:19 pm PDT
Quote From: denisesusan I have never used a message board so I'm not real sure what I am doing here, but feel I need to talk to someone and don't want to talk to my kids about this. I don't know that I can stand to stay with my husband any longer. He is an acoholic and last night seems to be the last straw. We were at a graduation party and he only had two drinks there (but had a couple before we even left for the party) as we were ready to leave, I could see that he was very very drunk and as we walked down the driveway he mooned everyone at the party. I had never met these people before and there were a lot of kids of all ages there. He works with the man that was having a party for his daughter. I kept walking I was so humliated and got in the car. As he walked the rest of the way to the car he stumbled on the curb and fell and tore open his elbow. Some of the men from the party had to help get him into the card. He came home and laid down on the bed, fell off the bed and onto the floor and pulled the nightstand down with his thrashing around. Of course he blamed me for all of that. I blew up on him and afterwords which it is very interesting he says he does remember what he did but he remembers our fight and of course as always I am a bitch an c*& and as always he says he will be out of here by Sunday then he changed it to Monday. the past couple of months he seems to be getting worse and worse. If he doesn't work, he drinks and sleeps all day and I take care of EVERYTHING in and out of the house. If he work, he will come home at night and I do understand that somedays are long and hard for him, but I work full time and he makes himself a drink and may eat or may not depending on his mood and has a least 1/2 dozen drinks or more and sometimes will be fine, sometimes will get mean and wants to fight. Of course, at that point he knows everything and it doesn't matter what I say, but everything goes back to being my fault. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us and I have 3 grown kids and he has 3 grown kids also. Every time he agrees he is drinking too much he will promise not to drink but it only lasts for one day at the most. He has been thru the 30 day rehab but only lasted while he was going to treatment and I have given up trying to get him to go to a meeting. He says he doesn't need help and if he wanted to quit he would on his own, but I'm the one to make him drink...funny he used to tell his boys that when they were home. We have been together and married for 12 years now and he is a good man and I love him so much - when he isn't drinking and being mean and abusive. I'm 55 years old and just want to have a regular life and grow old with the man I love - or used to love. I'm not sure what it is any longer.
Hello.
I have a couple of minutes to type right now.
I am not the most elequont or knowledgeable of posters, but my husband is an alcoholic, so I can relate to your frustration.
I am sorry for your husband's foolish behaviour at the graduation party. However, remember it is his behavior, not yours. That was one of the most difficult things for me-not taking on remorse or embarrassment for his actions.
I'm not sure which feeling is worse for the spouse of an alcoholic, the sick, sour feeling in the pit of your stomach when he is doing something ridiculous and stupid, or the heart wrenching way you feel when he is promosing never to drink again-he can seem so convincing but in your heart you don't believe him.
Have you gone to an al-anon meeting? The wonderful people there can help you to learn that his actions are his own, and that nothing you do or don't do causes him to drink or will cause him to stop. He must decide and do this on his own. It usually takes hitting rock bottom, and his rock bottom may be after you've had enough and decide to leave.
Did you know that very often after an alcoholic becomes sober, they turn to other addictions? It might be smoking, or gambling or work or sex. My husband hasn't had a drink in ten years, but he is a workaholic, hooked on porn, and is abusive towards me.
I urge you to go to al-anon and counseling and work on YOU and what YOU need to do to make YOU happy. That is what I am doing. It is a long and difficult process, but I think in the end it will be worth it.
Feel free to post and vent here anytime. |
|
|
May 22, 2007, 7:44 pm PDT
As this day turns to dusk, I ponder the raising of my children, now both in their twenties, and I revel in their accomplishment and happiness. The tumultuous life as a single parent is most difficult, and one is never convinced that the job was well done. In one of my disconcerting moments, I was told this story :
The First Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids. After creating the heaven, the earth, the oceans and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was"Don't:". To the animals, He never siad "Don't" - he hurled no negatives at the elephant - but to the brightest of his creatures, the ones who get in Yale, He said, "Don't". "Don't what?" adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?'
Is this beginning to sound familiar? You never realized that the pattern of your life had been laid down in the Garden of Eden.
"It' s over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break, and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent said. "Then why did you?" "I don't know," Adam said. At least he didn't say "no problem>" "All right then, get out of here! Go forth, become fruitful and multiply!"
This was not a blessing, but a curse: God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. And so, they moved to the east of Eden, which was still the good part of town, and they had a typical suburban family: a couple of dim-witted boys. One of these boys couldn't stand the other, but instead of just leaving Eden and going to Chicago, he had to kill him.
Thus the pattern was set, and it never has changed. But there is reassurance in this story for those of you whose children are not doing well. If you have lovingly and persistently tried to give then wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what make you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Peace and laughter in your dreams this night.
|
|
|
May 22, 2007, 7:49 pm PDT
Quote From: alintime Hi everyone. this is my first time here and I am very glad that I have found this message board. I have never said this to anyone or out-loud or even wrote it on paper but I am abused..I guess it falls under emotional or mental.. I don't even know. what I do know is that it is destroying me as a person. I have seen myself change so much, I am not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. I just am now, Like a shell of a person, with not much feeling b/c I have turned myself off to others and even myself. i have been with this person for 11 years and married for 3 we have 2 children, and a nice home. I have found over the years that we argue about the same things over and over, He always brings up the past, I am the one who is always wrong, and he wont stop till I admit that.. the last argument we had left me feeling empty. very empty, and I don't know who to turn to, I don't want to involve my family , most of my friends are to judgmental, I want to start therapy, and I am scared that he wont go b/c he doesn't think he has a problem... so sry for rambling, but I just have to get this all out. It eating me alive inside. I hate how I feel, I have trouble functioning some days, b/c I'm consumed with disappointment and fear and worry, how do I make this work and get our life's back on track. How do I find me???? Just turned 40. Have 3 children age range 10-20. Don't work outside of the home. Starting Graduate degree in June '07. Married 20 years. Live in Germany. Seems like a great life, but suspect husband is emotionally abusing me, too. I've changed myself so many times, and he's still not happy. I've been to counseling with Psychiatrists, Psychologists, and Social Workers for over 7 years. I take one antidepressant for over 13 years now and just started one more two months ago because he said I "need something". Everything, every move I make is a game according to him. I am immature and have made his life miserable (his words). However, he won't consider divorce. I am against it, but if it would make him happy, I told him maybe he should do it. All I do is cry because you name it LITERALLY, and I have changed it to make him happy. I had gastric by pass and lost over 100lbs 4 years ago, had a tummy tuck 2 years later for a flat stomach, and this past September '06 had breast implants. I look like a teenager again (body wise). He's still not happy even though we have more sex (which was another issue that was "my fault"). If I talk, it's wrong because I say the wrong things or I say sarcastic or hurtful (in his opinion) things. If I don't talk, he says I'm playing a game and freezing him out to be nasty. I don't know what else to do. My last Social Worker, who I saw every week for 4 years says that there is nothing wrong with me. I really want to believe it, but it's so hard when he seems so unhappy and blames me for how unhappy he is. I think I've run out of options other than killing myself or having a labotomy. |
|
|
May 22, 2007, 8:41 pm PDT
Quote From: qqqhhh I also try to steer away from gender or any other demographic when talking about or supporting the abused if I can. My reason is just what you've stated -- it divides. We have had enough division already.
But when I was at my worst -- there was a time when I hated all men. Luckily I realized that all men are NOT abusers and neither are ALL women and I've changed how I view US. In order for me to move forward, I HAD to let go of hate. Because what is beneath hate? Fear.
So I didn't really see the shows as extreme. I've supported women who have had it MUCH MUCH worse than Jennifer or Amy. I do think Jeffrey was extremely obsessive though. He went to GREAT lengths to keep up a "connection" to the object of his obsession. And because Jeffrey mirrored my Ex in many ways -- I was difficult to see because of all the bad memories.
I agree that many times we, as a society, do not want to look at the bad or ugly. We do turn away. Our instincts for self-perservation must be overcome in order to face "bad or ugly" or shine the light in the dark closet that is abuse. Standing up to abuse comes with risks -- it comes with danger in many different forms.
But we can learn to TURN BACK and deal with what IS. I agree the best way to stand up is through EDUCATION. I think slowly that education is getting out there. With each new generation, we will change. That makes me feel really good about us as a race especially when I see how far we've come.
Anyway I identified alot with what you wrote and appreciated it. Q qqqhhh mine is a different perspective because it wasn't really I who had experienced abuse in a marriage &/or directed at me. I did struggle for a bit from a bit of emotional abuse or verbal abuse but I escaped the grasp of the abuser. It's funny because I was actually the same age as Jennifer but the difference is my abuser was not 11 yrs. my senior. So many things were just so different back then and we didn't have anyone giving out the "signs of abuse" but for me my sister had just come home from her abusive husband who'd left her! I had examples right before my eyes & I had to really see you know? And on topof that this ex-boyfriend of mine underestimated me and the ability to manipulate me & especially to call me or even imply I was anything other than a lady. :) After a few months I knew something wasn't right but couldn't figure it out I'd no experience with anything like this & my father thought my mother hung the moon & no matter how hard I tried this guy didn't like me, my family or my friends & *everything* said by any of us was seen in some kind of seedie way! & after a family crisis & this boyfriend wasn't there for me I started to really see what he was made of & it started to change for me. Of course I had a LOT of time to see & I'd just turned 20 & it's hard to explain to a 20 something how much of a difference there is in perspective at those ages but it's huge IMO. Anyway when I met my husband & I got to see first hand what was wrong because my husband was a REAL gentleman. The abuser starts out looking charming & like a gentleman & often with "old fashion values" whenin reality they've got "double standards" & their gentlemen ways turn to being disrespectful accusations. There was actual damage that had been done to me emotionally & long after the break up I kept looking for why he'd seen me as a girl who "looked to be easy". It was 3 months after dating my now husband that while on a dinner date at his apartment that it must have come out of my mouth that this ex had hurt my pride & I couldn't figure out why he'd says such things to me etc. when my now husband said "have you stopped & looked at yourself in a mirror recently?" He ushered me to the full lenght mirror & said "You are georgous and way out of his league & he was intimidated and afraid he couldn't measure up & to keep you under control he'd try to get you to cover yourself up, shame you & make you think you can't measure up. It was all to control you honey, but he's a fool because how could he possibly hide YOU?! His stupidity is my gain in that now you're with me............" Luckily for me I hadn't been swept in under 2 months like Jennifer & at a time when we hadn't coined any phrases yet my husband explained control to me. :) My husband's always been my best friend & I'm so grateful to God for bringing him to me when he did! I had started to "really see" what my exboyfriend was but I think the contrast in men just made it so crystal clear for me. Of course with the ex *everyone* around me HATED him & I could not figure out why! I was not a needy woman & had plenty of boyfriends etc. but I did care deeply for that ex & thought I was in love with him & I guess it was blinding or I was so busy trying to make him happy enough to give a compliment I couldn't stop long enough to really see what they did. I just couldn't see until *I saw it* you know? Of course this was on a much smaller scale but scary to my family none the less because remember my sister had just come home from a bad marriage.
I think it's difficult for people to "see the abuse" & not just because it's ugly or bad but because we're so helpless to really help or stop it. Just like the victim we cannot "make the abuser change" & ultimately what victim of abuse isn't at one point wanting "my marriage to work. I just want to make him happy and for him not to hurt me or the kids". We all want the marriage "to work" & this is that man we fell in love with etc. It's hard enough to give up the idea that the man you married & think you love is a different person entirely when a woman/man has married someone who lies & cheats but when they've turned into this person who's something of a terrorist & "out to get you" it's just something we've not seen (you only know what you live) & while the victim is still in a denial & those on the outside can "see & are calling to the victim" we're not heard & so we need to bite a tongue & *just wait* & it's REAL hard to do. Because with all the abuse inflicted those who can see from a far still "feel it" & want to intervien but still can not. And in the process we're often still cut off. & so while it looks like people are still turning a blind eye I think like you said it is a defense thing to keep the mind from snapping that many will tell themselves "if it was real abuse or bad she'd leave him" or "If she really need help why would she push everyone away"? Just like the victim others go into a denial of sorts & it's really to preserve our minds. Look how many have questioned Jennifer even when they've heard all that's been done to her & have actually said "why didn't she leave"? It's just easier to tell themselves "it couldn't have been that bad" etc. Or it's less taxing to the mind to think that "it isn't that bad or she'd leave" rather than to go to sleep tonight imagining how many others are like her that are going to sleep in pain. As we're lying our heads down some where there is a woman who's been emotionally destroyed etc. There are so many horrors in this world & I think for many it's just too much you know?
I have to be honest that I just gave the info for the Oprah show & that show aired right around the same time as the Jeffrey & Jennifer story had aired & I think it was after the first 2 shows & the woman on the Oprah show was saying how she'd sat on the message boards & was one of the ones who'd actually questioned women from a another show years prior & asked if her "abuse is so horrible why she didn't leave" and Oprah was dumbfounded & with a mouth a jar asked her "why? why would you be asking that? was it because it wasn't that bad for you yet?" & the woman said "Yea, for me at the time it hadn't turned physical yet it was just emotional abuse". So I try to be REAL careful when chiding someone on the message boards but I have to admit when I go into protective mode of the abused I've a hard time being "understanding" & I had to laugh when the Oprah show came on because it was like a whisper from God "be careful what you say". so many have had so much damage & their pain is just all over the message boards etc. You know what I mean? And it reminded me that no matter what *anyone* is saying the abused are watching & they're hearing what is being said & so even when we think words are falling on deaf ears they are indeed reaching the abused & if those words stay with them until they need to use them & put them in action that's fine with me. :) And in the mean time I've got to learn control myself & to pick & choose words carefully.
Anyway now I think I'm rambling but I wanted to say that I do so admire you. I agree that the underlining of hate is fear but it's also the residuel of the pain inflicted and it's wounds caused to you or your spirit. When I see someone who's recognized it & has empowered herself by not allowing it to corrupt her future I'm just in awe! I've read through many of the posts here & there are so many that leave me just in awe & I hope you all realize just how much you give to others when you all speak....... And do know that it isn't just the ones who are hears asking questions but those afraid to even speak who are taking in what's being said by those who "got away" & not only survived but are thriving & have insight & are emotionally whole! I also agree that it's education that is needed because again we only know what we live & frankly if I didn't point out & educate my sons they'd never be exposed to the reality of what others lives are like. They've never heard or seen anything like that & even when educating them I see the doubt of what I'm explaining. But then we've always got those old examples for them! & we'll just keep proding along untill we change attitudes & yes by generations it'll happen.
|
|
|
May 22, 2007, 8:54 pm PDT
Quote From: help7979
Hello.
I have a couple of minutes to type right now.
I am not the most elequont or knowledgeable of posters, but my husband is an alcoholic, so I can relate to your frustration.
I am sorry for your husband's foolish behaviour at the graduation party. However, remember it is his behavior, not yours. That was one of the most difficult things for me-not taking on remorse or embarrassment for his actions.
I'm not sure which feeling is worse for the spouse of an alcoholic, the sick, sour feeling in the pit of your stomach when he is doing something ridiculous and stupid, or the heart wrenching way you feel when he is promosing never to drink again-he can seem so convincing but in your heart you don't believe him.
Have you gone to an al-anon meeting? The wonderful people there can help you to learn that his actions are his own, and that nothing you do or don't do causes him to drink or will cause him to stop. He must decide and do this on his own. It usually takes hitting rock bottom, and his rock bottom may be after you've had enough and decide to leave.
Did you know that very often after an alcoholic becomes sober, they turn to other addictions? It might be smoking, or gambling or work or sex. My husband hasn't had a drink in ten years, but he is a workaholic, hooked on porn, and is abusive towards me.
I urge you to go to al-anon and counseling and work on YOU and what YOU need to do to make YOU happy. That is what I am doing. It is a long and difficult process, but I think in the end it will be worth it.
Feel free to post and vent here anytime. "I am not the most elequont or knowledgeable of posters, but my husband is an alcoholic, so I can relate to your frustration. "
You've let someone who's upset & looking for a connection have one & the connection is to someone who knows & understands how she feels. She now knows someone heard her & understands. That's huge. On top of that not only are you knowledgable but you're experienced too! There so much "ugly out there" I just wanted to recognize the good right here in front of me. Thank you.
|
|
|
May 22, 2007, 10:36 pm PDT
Quote From: indigomountain
As this day turns to dusk, I ponder the raising of my children, now both in their twenties, and I revel in their accomplishment and happiness. The tumultuous life as a single parent is most difficult, and one is never convinced that the job was well done. In one of my disconcerting moments, I was told this story :
The First Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids. After creating the heaven, the earth, the oceans and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was"Don't:". To the animals, He never siad "Don't" - he hurled no negatives at the elephant - but to the brightest of his creatures, the ones who get in Yale, He said, "Don't". "Don't what?" adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?'
Is this beginning to sound familiar? You never realized that the pattern of your life had been laid down in the Garden of Eden.
"It' s over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break, and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent said. "Then why did you?" "I don't know," Adam said. At least he didn't say "no problem>" "All right then, get out of here! Go forth, become fruitful and multiply!"
This was not a blessing, but a curse: God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. And so, they moved to the east of Eden, which was still the good part of town, and they had a typical suburban family: a couple of dim-witted boys. One of these boys couldn't stand the other, but instead of just leaving Eden and going to Chicago, he had to kill him.
Thus the pattern was set, and it never has changed. But there is reassurance in this story for those of you whose children are not doing well. If you have lovingly and persistently tried to give then wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what make you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Peace and laughter in your dreams this night.
Thanks. I really needed the laugh after the last few days.
peace
L.
|
|
|
May 22, 2007, 11:09 pm PDT
If there is any woman out there that have gotten away from a mentally abusive relationship????
If so please let me know if there is really any hope for me!! |
|
|
May 23, 2007, 5:00 am PDT
Quote From: jaustinshup I posted my first post yesterday. When I checked it today there was no response. And since it was at the very bottom I put a copy below. But I mainly came in today to read some of the past post on other pages. I noticed that several post had something about hotlines. Since I never did go through counseling or therapy after my abuse some 15 years ago, it is still effecting me now with my current relationship. Are these hotlines for anyone. Or are they for emergiences? Would I be able to call one for help even though my abuse took some 10-15 years ago? Even though I am still feeling the effects of it today? Or could I just holding on to the past and need to let go? There are days that I just feel like just.......but then I think about what would happen to my kids if I did that. So I try to keep going so that they don't have to grow up without a mother. I have vowed that will be something that will never ever happen to my children. So far it hasnt happened. Thank Goodness. Hello, this is my first time here So I am not sure how this works. But anyhoo. I grew up being repeatedaly molested and raped. Then when I went to college, I had a boyfriend who became my fiance that also mentally raped (that is if that is possible). And now I am divorcered but my ex and I are back together but he seems to be sexually driven. It's like his mind is revollving around sex. Even just a few minutes ago, a program about sex came on in the other room and so he comes into the bedroom, changes the channel to the one he is watching about sex and tells me "You might learn something". And this is after he tells be a bunch of sex jokes. I am now 30 years old. Does this stuff ever STOP bothering you? I have never gone through therapy. Want to but dont have health insurance and I cant afford it. What else is there to do? You certainly can call the Domestic Violence Hot line because I believe you are still being abused even though you referenced the abuse when you were younger. You are in an abusive relationship and your X is still abusing you and your children because they are witness to your abuse.
Sometimes women become confused about abuse if they are not being physically beaten by their partner. However, there are many forms of abuse and emotional abuse and mental abuse can cause even greater pain. Call the hot line - there are people who will help you and you can remain anonymous. The hot line can put you in touch with support groups and help you to get the therapy you desperately need. You cannot do this alone. You cannot put abuse out of your head or dismiss it because it happened in the past. You have been wounded and you need the tools and skills to heal.
I'm sorry you did not get an immediate response. The board has been exceptionally busy. However, all the posters here are very kind and supportive and they all understand how you feel because they have experienced your pain. Many have small children and jobs and come in and out when their busy schedules permit.
Please make the call and come back to the boards. Its a safe place to vent and to obtain information to hasten your healing. You must educate yourself about abuse. There are many books and resources for you. You are much too young to be living in the pain you are in.
Please know I care and hope you make that call.
Very Irish |
|
|
May 23, 2007, 7:57 am PDT
Thank you IndigoMountain for helping me out yesterday- I was not in a good space at all when I got Joshua's answer.
So he's asking for custody! LOL
I spoke to my lawyer today and I feel much better. He says that their lies are actually going to help our case, it shows that they think they are above the law and that they are being unreasonable and that they are using 'bully tactics'. Oh, and it destroys their credibility.
My lawyer says that it's good that I didn't have a lawyer to file my application because the judge will believe what I have written because it will have an element of naivete. Plus, we can amend what I wrote by saying I didn't have representation and would like my lawyer to review and amend my application.
Maybe that the system does work.
Here's to hoping! |
|
