Topic : Abuse

I have called these hotlines, and I have had CAS help me, however, these counselling sevices have a 6-12 month waiting list.

There was a bit of a catch22 that resulted in my address and phone number being known.

Couldn't leave without money>I couldn't get welfare without suing for child support> I couldn't sue for child support without putting my address on the application.

And thus my unlisted number and address was out of the bag.

I will admit I made a mistake to agrreing to a meeting in my home.

I am starting to understand the cycle of abuse.  In writing my last diary entrance I came to realise the pattern of alienation.  Until today I had never noticed it for what it was.

I don't know if Josh did that on purpose, but the more I see other women's stories and the more I talk about the more I don't care that he meant to or not.

I do know now, on an intellectual level that it was not my fault, I am not stupid.  I did the right thing to leave, adn I am allowed to make mistakes.

Hopefully my heart will stop arguing with my brain sometime in the future.

   With the belief that knowledge and education are not a luxury, but a necessity, I share with you the folloing:

  From - "A letter from Ann Bradley to all who have been abused....It is painful to be deceived and in chaos from their manipulations.  Waiting for them to get better is futile......"

   My personal "light bulb" moment:

 "Characteristic of the Narcissist and others with personality disorders.

1.  Self-centred - his needs are paramount

2.  No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds

3.  Unreliable, undependable

4.  Does not care about the consequences of his actions

5.  Projects his faults on to others.  High blaming behaviour, never his fault.

6.  Little if any conscience.

7.  Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8.  Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9.  Low stress tolerance.  Easy to anger and reage.

10.People are to be manipulated for his needs.

11.Rationalizeds easily.  Twists conversation to his gain at other's expense.  If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject, or gets angry.

12Pathological liar.

13.Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, other.

14.No real values.  Mostly situational

15.Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16.Angry, mercurial moods.

17.Uses sex to control.

18.Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions

19.Conversation controller.  Must have the first and last word.

20.Is very slow to forgive others.  Hangs onto resentment

21.Secret life.  Hides money, friends, activities.

22.Likes annoying others.  Like to create chaos

23.Moody  - swtches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

25.Seldom expresses remorse.

26.Grandiose - convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.

27.Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others.  Defensive when confronted with his behaviour.  Never his fault

28.Can get emotional, tearful.  This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29.he breaks women's spirits to keep them dependent.

30.Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31.Sabotages partner.  Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32.Highly contradictory.

33.Convincing.  Must convince people to side with him.

34.Hides his real self.  Always "on".

35.Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.

36.He has to be right.  he has to win.  He has to look good.

37.He announces, not discusses.  He tells, not asks.

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39.Controls money of others, but spends freeely on himself.

40.Unilateral condition of "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas.'

41.Always feels misunderstood.

42.You feel miserable with this person.  He drains you.

43.Does not listen because he does not care.

44.His feelings are discussed, not the partner's.

45.Is not interested in problem solving.

46.Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them."

           -www.narcissisticabuse.com

   Apparently they also have "the emotional maturity of an advanced 6-year old."

   Run!!!  For your very life.

    May you discover peace.

Hi Buick.  You might see this post first, but I just sent you another post.  It might make more sense if you read the other one first.  It was sent a few minutes ago, so should be easy to find.  Now I will write about your post above.

I don't mean to be cruel, but if your dad is threatening to "throw you out of the house" and you are an adult, why don't you consider leaving?  Maybe he's old and tired and doesn't want to take care of kids any more.  I'm not trying to excuse his actions at all, just wondering if he is just ready to have you leave.  Some parents expect their kids to leave when they turn 18.  (I'm definitely not one of them, so I don't get it.)  I am assuming your disability makes it difficult or impossible to live on  your own.  Is that the case?  I hope you don't take this the wrong way.  I am not implying that any of the abuse is your fault.

I realize that you don't want to leave your siblings in this mess.  I didn't want to, either, but I did.  I had to, to save myself.  You wouldn't believe how quickly they all got themselves out of that house after I left.  I did what I could to find options for them and they decided what to do and did it.  We had no money and little-to-no help, but we still got away. 

Don't your siblings already have to deal with your dad?  How does your staying prevent that?  Would your leaving make it worse somehow?  Are you sacrificing yourself, letting your dad abuse you so he will leave the others alone?  Is that how it works?  I know people do that sometimes; that's why I'm asking.  Is it a role you've chosen--protector of the rest of the family?

I do agree that telling your dad off would be useless and could be dangerous.  There is no point.  If he is not interested in your thoughts or feelings, don't waste your time and energy on him.

Yes, any time you show that you have ideas of your own, your dad will be threatened.  He wants to do things his way.  If you try to mess up that system, he will defend it.  It's the way he wants to live.

If you think your dad will hurt you if you choose to go to counseling while you're living with him, you can do it without his knowledge or do it after you leave.  If you use his insurance, he will know about it.  Do you have insurance of your own that would cover it?  Is there a way to get out of the house to go to appointments?  Is your dad gone during the day at all?

You would "make headway" with yourself in counseling and you would learn that you may have to let go of the dream of a change in your father.  Part of counseling is seeing things more realisitically and working toward a more healthy, happy life.  Many of us go in hoping to change someone else.  Eventually we learn that we can't control the other person. 

Yes, you and the counselor will be "going over the same concepts week after week" IF you are set on changing your dad or making him conform to your ways.  I've done this myself, so I know it's like hitting your head against a wall.  It's SO frustrating. 

I really know what it's like.  I lived this way for a long time.  It was my parent, I had siblings, and the other parent wouldn't leave.  I went to counseling while living under their roof and then some more after I left--several times.  I know how ugly it can get when the abusing parent sees that you're "getting ideas" about how things SHOULD be.  It's very threatening to them.  As a kid, the phrase, "getting ideas" was a bad thing.  Imagine! 

I hope that you will take time to read what I've written and consider it, even if for a short time.  Let me know what you think.

Memorial Day was first called Decoration Day because  Americans decorated the graves of war veterans on May 30th with red flowers.

The red flowers traditionally signified the blood that had been shed defending our freedom and liberty.

Please place flowers at any War Memorial or grave site of a deceased War Veteran any day this Memorial Day Weekend.

COVER THEM OVER WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS,

deck them with garlands those brothers and sisters of ours,

Lying so silent by night and by day,

Sleeping the years of their life away.

Give them the reward they have won in the past

Give them the honors their future forecasts

Give them the wreaths they won in the strife

Give them the laurels they lost with their life.

Remember our Veterans of Wars before, and those serving in harms way, today.

To ALL our servicemen and servicewomen ...

We are indebted.

Anita, its not a good idea to post children's pictures on any web site out on the Internet.

Most especially if it will be there for more than a few seconds.

You just wouldn't believe how safety conscious you need to be in that regard ... because of Internet perverts, child sexual predators....its unbelievable what they can and will do with a picture they alter and manipulate.

Just thought I'd give you a heads up.

You can't be any too careful.

Take care.

PS   your personal information should remain just that ... personal.    Seems to me you're leaving some trail here...in this public forum.    Did you know that my name is not Pleasance and in the course of years of being  here on the boards I have changed my name more than once. 

In regards to the Domestic Abuse support groups, legal advocacy, and such...I'm going to do some research into that Canadian information.

It doesn't make sense to me that an entire country believes that women in crisis and women who need safe hiding are not made available, emergency and on going resources. 

While I'm doing some of this research, why don't you make some phone calls.

Where was your safety plan, if you were working with them to begin with?

What are you describing as CAS.....Canadian Abuse Services?  I'm having to guess or look it up.

Later.

Take care.

About going over the same concepts week after week, if someone is set on changing another...

Thanks for the heads up!

I am new to the internet and did not realise.

CAS is Children's aid society.

I didn't really have a plan, it just all unfolded.