Topic : Abuse

I can paint a morbid picture of where I live sometimes, and I'm not lying about it. And yet...just as I told someone else today, there are definite advantages at times to living here as well. I think that could be said about *anywhere* someone lives.

I loved Tennessee..the people..the countryside. And yet..I'm a native Texan, and well..you know what a proud bunch THOSE people are, lol!!! Someone called me an Okie once, and went to the top of my poop list. I miss it..still. But Tennessee...MAN!! what a beautiful place!!! Dump me there any day.......Becky

I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you!  First talk to your family and friends, let them know what your are going through and how you are feeling.  I have found that my family and friends are the BEST!  Get counseling for yourself, get control of your feelings and emotions.  You need to make some big decisions in your life, some will be hard and others will be easy.   Remember what your children are seeing and hearing is how they may they may start treating others, even you.  Mental abuse is very hard to prove in court so go out and buy a spiral notebook and journal everything (just remember to hide it).  When I journal I found it better to leave my emotions out, just write the facts.  Talk to lawyer and get advise.  If you have to ask your family for financial help with the lawyer and or the counselor do so.  Maybe your family and friends will be happy that your eyes are opening up to the problems, I know my where.  If it wasn't for my family and friends I would have never survived the separation or divorce.  It has been four years and he still is fighting over our children.  Two things I have learned about myself, he can't knock me down and I will survive what ever he dishes out to me.

 

Remember you are never alone!  Stay strong.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you

JJ

"Okie" is slang for someone who's from Oklahoma. You know..like the song..."Okie from Muskogee"..by Merle Haggard....

Dont know the song though.

Oh, you ought to listen to it. It USED to be very true about the way of life in Oklahoma. Not so much anymore, though. But..it's a very old song, lol....

Hi,

I am a 38 year old mother of 5 children 16, 14, 10, 8 & 6 I also have 2 grown step children whom I have helped raise since they were very young. I have been with and married to the same man for 22 years. I should have left him years ago but didn't.

He has cheated on me, 14 times, lied, doesn't support the family consistently ( our house is being foreclosed on...this is the 2nd house we have lost) and he is mentally and verbally abusive. He has a terrible temper and has a few times been physically abusive.

I always thought I was doing the right thing by doing whatever it took to keep my family together. I grew up with a sexually abusive step father and an emotional unavailable mother. So I really had no guidelines for relationships.

 

Not too long ago I had a very surreal reality check. I never thought all of this had a great impact on my children since a lot of what went on was behind closed doors. That was until my 16 year old got her first boyfriend and what I saw was her father in the boy she was dating. Thankfully, the relationship ended quickly. I tried talking to her about what to accept from a partner and what not to and how someone talking mean to you was totally unacceptable. Just then my 10 year old son, who is mentally and physically challenged, said "Yeah, don't let boys treat you the way Daddy treats mommy". It literally knocked the wind out of me. I knew at that moment I was not doing the right thing. 

I want to be a better mother, I want my daughter to know all of this is not normal and I want my sons to know how to treat their partners. Which has brought me to this point and question, How do you just leave?

and not worry about how he will react?

And not worry about where he will go?

and not worry about not being able to take the dogs? 

and all the other things?

How to you get brave enough to just do it?

I want to leave, I have to for my sake and the sake of my children...But how do you just do it?

Thank you for any insight.

Mo

Hi...welcome to the board. I was in a long term emotionally abusive marriage as well. I found out the hard way that kids KNOW. You think you're keeping things from them...but they KNOW.  I have four kids, 24, 21, 17 and 6. My 24yo daughter is married to an emotionally abusive man. A week or so ago, she was ready to leave. Now she's wanting to "work things out". I taught her well, I suppose.

I'm going to TRY to answer your questions. I don't doubt that the others will come in and help me out with this.

How to not worry about how he will react? It depends on which type of reaction you're expecting, I guess. If you think he's going to become physically abusive (and I'd worry about this, since he's been physical in the past..and even an emotionally abusive man can cross that line when his target makes moves to get away). I would suggest talking to your local DV center. A women's shelter. You don't have to live in one to avail yourself of their services. They can help you come up with a plan. And they have resources available that might help you.

 

How to not worry about where he will go? That question to me suggests an amount of emotion still left for him. Speaking personally, and you can take from this what you will...when I booted mine for the final time, I didn't CARE where he went...as long as it was far, far away from US. I haven't seen one yet that didn't manage to somehow land on his feet, since they're master manipulators.

 

The dogs. I agonized over leaving my beloved animals. I was more concerned with the health and well being of my children and myself at that point. It was a sacrifice we ALL had to make. (I'm not saying you're not concerned with your children...not at all...I'm just saying I finally woke up...and had to consider the kids and only the kids and myself, of course). As much as you love your animals...unless you own your home, it's hard to find somewhere that will accept animals. They're out there, though. Maybe with an increase in deposit. But they're out there. Failing that, maybe a friend, co-worker or family member could take them? That way you could have "visitation", and if it came to pass that you could have animals again...well, there you have it.

 

What "other things" specifically are you referring to? I'm not good at guessing sometimes.

 

How to get brave enough? It wasn't being brave, it was being FED UP. Couldn't stand one more nano-second of it. I had simply had all I could take, and couldn't take anymore. My freedom and the ensuing peace was worth whatever I had to do to get it.

 

I don't know about insight...and there are times when it's one breath at a time. One foot in front of the other. I can tell you this much...the ends justifies the means. It's worth it all. Already you're seeing instances of the fallout of living in an abusive situation...the ramifications for the kids. Everyone pays a price..but I feel as though the kids pay the highest price of all sometimes. With enough love, hope, and yes...maybe some counseling, it's not too late to undo some of the damage done. I'm not going to lie to you...it's not easy. It's hard. But for me, it was all worth it.

Truthfully, I'd love to tell you to trust me on this...just GO..NOW. Before more hurt and pain and damage is done. Get your kids out and get them to as normal a life as you can give them. Give them a happy mother...a mother who's at peace with herself. But you're the only one who can make the determination to go. It's all up to you.

First off...I'd make that call, though. I'd check out the links provided above...and do some reading. Get an understanding. And certainly...make that call. The number should be in the front pages of your phone book...if not, call your local PD and ask them for it. They'll have it.

I wish  you all the best......Becky

You've taken the first step....coming to this board and admitting to yourself that you are in a very toxic relationship and it is affecting you and your children.

 

Educating yourself about domestic abuse will help you determine your husband is about control and power and not about being a partner and father.  If it is possible, I would also seek counseling for you and your children.  Call your local domestic violence center....they will assist you and offer much needed support.

 

You will need a plan...a safety plan and a living plan.  It's important you gather as much information as you can  because you will need the documents at a later date such as copies of income tax returns, bank records, social security numbers, retirement funds, etc. etc.  Do not let your husband know you are doing this.  Get yourself a credit card in your name (only) if you do not already have one.  Try to put aside as much cash as you can should you need to leave in a hurry.

 

You can do this....it won't be easy but with a plan, you can get to a better place for you and your children.

 

Be Safe - Educate Yourself - Make the Call

 

I Care

Very Irish 

I came in and hollered hello in here, and I heard an echo. *grin*

Hope everyone's doing ok. Sure missing some posters around here.