Topic : Abuse

You are right. I need to hear that it is OK to divorce him. I am slowly coming to this realization. It is OK. I need to let go of thinking that I have to stay married, that things will work out. 7 years and its only got worse. Wake up and smell the coffee!

 

Love this - "Ask yourself some questions...Do I miss him?  Do I want to return to that life?  Am I happier now?  Are my kids happier now?  In 10 years, what do I want in my life?" These are really great questions. Great! Two no's and two yeses to those questions, and a simple happy and not with him to the 10 yr question.

 

One step at a time. I am really unsure about the RO. It really will push him over the edge. I have to put some more thought into this. I plan to talk with my counselor about this on Thursday. I am trying to stay one step ahead of the psycho and his games right now. Just yesterday he tried to tell me that I deserved everything that he has done to me these last couple of months because I have a male friend (yes, just a friend). Whatever! How does one deserve abuse? Plus I have to hear how since we have separated he has given up so much - me, the kids, material things - and I have only given up his physical body! He so irks me!

 

Do not worry about sounding harsh to me in your post, I've had it very blunt on here and it has always helped me! Thank you. Thank you also for my new get strong thought "I can do this!  I am strong!  I deserve a life without abuse!  My kids deserve this!  I am happy!  I LOVE ME!  I can do this!" It is all true, thanks for reminding me! I have begun to heal and it is time for the big D. I know that I will have to pursue it, but I will be fine. I have great support and know that this is right.

 

How nice it is to have you as a friend, I too am lucky! Take care :)

 

PS - You made me laugh when you said "Should your hubby decide to change, you can always have the divorce dismissed" - The moon will fall from the sky before he changes!

Well, things seem to be going well...

 

I got a house, Josh and I have spoken a few times somewhat amicably, School is well, school *blah!*, the court assigned a social worker.....Time moves on huh?

 

Well, to all those still in the thick of it, just put your head down and charge through.  Sorry I havent been very supportive lately....

 

I have a social worker coming tomarrow morning for a home study, (weird).

 

Pray or wish me luck, whatever.

 

If anyone hears from Pleasance gove me a 'buzz', ok?  Im starting to get a little worried.....

Lynn?  Figureutout?

 

Take care everyone.

-Anita

Anita...I've chastised myself frequently here lately, b/c I've been the LEAST supportive person here. There are simply times when life forces us to take care of business at home. Of SELF. We have to, in order to help someone else. I think a lot of us deal with very real issues at home sometimes, that demand our time and attention and don't leave a whole lot left. I know I've found myself there frequently here lately.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're "charging through" your own life, and very real issues. You'll get there, and be back in full force. .*hug* Becky

Hi Just had a quick look around as I wanted to recommend a book and didn't know if it  is allowed.
I have been helping a couple of abused women over the last few years and found the Book:
Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft
absolutely necessary!! The women have found it to be on of the most mind clearing and life anchoring things to be able to read this book.
Glad to see it recommended in the previous post!
Please get and read it, you deserve to be YOU!!

In answer to your question about God. I am Glad that autumn responded to you.

For me yes God played a big part in my seeing the light and recovery and leaving. There were

times when I would literally get on my hands and knees and pray for death because it would have been easier and simpler to merely just die. That didnt  happen of course but I prayed and prayed and prayed every minute that I could and told God that I needed to see a way out.

I was scared too and frozen and guilty and all of it but there was always a little push or my guardian angel presenting opportunities for me like my friends and family and my job. I had a job where I could travel and be away and think. I had my family where I would go and sit and talk to them and they would comfort me. I had a great therapist who helped me move forward.

I also got too sick and tired of the whole ordeal and I was done, fed up, disgusted, hurt, spent, I had enough. That is when I knew it was time to go. I couldnt take anymore of the craziness; the cylce, the good times were getting smaller and smaller. But by then me and God had the plan ready to go. I had saved my money, I had a car, I had my family, friends, credit cards, etc. etc.

So it was time for me to go. Yes I was petrified but I went anyway. I knew then that it came down to me fighting him or him fighting me. I didnt want to become him so I left and found me.

The guilt you have will go away in time and you will then be an outsider looking in and you will be glad that you arent part of the sickness anymore. You will just be an outside observer and never knew why you were part of the nonsense to begin with.

God made you with lots of love to give and your hubby doesnt deserve you. You deserve so much better and so much more. Imagine if your child were getting hurt over and over you would protect them with all of your might right? Well that is what your heavenly father wants for you. The only thing is that God and his angels will help but you know the other saying? God helps those who help themseves.   You must realize that you are worth so much  more than you are getting.Read Matthew 6:25 and Psalms.

I care

 

 

I wanted to comment regarding your post about "God" and Mars' reply.  I believe God puts people, places, ideas and angles in out life when we become stuck.  Sometimes you can have a conversation with a total stranger and learn something that applies to your life and issues you are dealing with.  Its an idea you would never form on your own but through that person, you have a light bulb moment and receive clarity where there was fog.

 

I have a friend who is struggling with the same questions you are.  I asked her to try to remember the words she professed to her husband when saying her wedding vows and then asked her to try to remember anything in those vows that pertained to the abuse she was dealing with.  I think sometimes we get stuck with the "idea" of vows and not actually the "application" of vows.

 

Your husband leaves you no other choice.  One cannot participate in any kind of a challenge when each is following a different set of rules.  Your husband wants to tailor your marriage to his excessive wants and needs and then guilts you because you do not have the same excessive needs.  By what standard does a couple decide who's needs are more important.  In my opinion that is where love steps in and the couple negotiates a compromise between them that works for both.  Manipulation, bullying, abuse, force, intimidation, shame, anger, control, embarrassment, etc. etc. is not part of the negotiations.  You do not have to give until it hurts to be a good wife or partner.

 

God wants you to live the life he intended for you to be the best possible person you can be - to love your neighbor - and give back to someone who is in need.  Can you do this in your marriage and become that person?  Or is your growth stunted and your needs not even recognized?  Only you can answer these questions.

 

Please be gentle with yourself.  You will make the hard decision when you are mentally ready to.  Sometime it takes as long as it takes....in good time.  Just because your husband continues to act out does not mean you are not positioning yourself for your decision.  Sometimes you need his persistent acting out to remind you why you want to leave and propel you further to your goal.

 

Peace - keep posting and continue your journal.  You will eventually succeed.  All board members will support you every step of the way, no matter how small the steps.

 

I care.

 

Very Irish

 

 

Wow; Love this. You have such eloquent writings and great things to say.

You have a gift. (God given I might add).

If I may add that nowhere in the bible or in marriage vows does it say. Do you husband take so and so wife to abuse and control till death do you part? Do you wife take husband to be a victim and be controlled and abused till death do  you part?

I have also learned that all women who are abused did not sign up for abuse when they got married. I told my ex that I didnt remember signing up for the abuse. I was part of it but I didnt remember signing up for it. Also, I have read in many spiritual publications that one someone abuses they have forfeited all of their marital rights and they in God's eyes do not deserve the privledge of being a spouse. Its almost as if you already have a divorce but its just not on paper.

Thanks for your kind words.  I hesitate to write too much about God and my beliefs but try to apply what I have learned and know to help someone who is trying to put their lives in a better light.  I never forget this is an abuse board and people are suffering and dying day after day after day.

 

I would say I am more spiritual than religious.  My faith is very important to me because that is the one thing throughout my horrific childhood that was a constant.  When things got so bad in my alcoholic home I would pray for God to make my dad stop drinking.  I prayed and prayed yet nothing changed.  Than one day I heard a message that totally impacted my life.  Instead of praying and telling God what I wanted and what he should do....I prayed for help and for wisdom.  I have received more than one miracle once I learned the difference.  I could write a book about the many angels that were placed in my life who truly made a difference...people who reached out and helped when I thought I had no one.  He really does send help, sometimes an army.

 

One short story to make my point...I grew up in a small town and lived (2) houses away from an elderly couple who knew my situation and knew the abuse.  They would often invite me over for a visit, gave me a ride to church and just were very kind to me for years and years.  They never asked questions or forced me to talk about the family problems.  Any way, they moved away and so did my family to another state.  Several years later....I was dating my husband....he invited me to a family party, his grandparents were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.  I went to the party and guess who they were....yup, those loving angels who were so kind to me all those years.  That couple ended up being my children's great grandparents.  Tell me God didn't have a hand in that.  True story.

 

I'm feeling very blessed these days.  I will never forget where I came from and what I survived.  I just pray those currently being abused receive some of the good fortune I have been blessed to receive.

 

Peace

 

Very Irish

Have been thinking of you and the ladies here. It has been a long long time.  I am out of hospital now and doing ok at home. Don't get on board much, but have missed you all.

Are they all still here?? under different handles (names) now.

If any of you are still here leave me a message of how you are doing K.

Huggs, Purrs, Cybil

I understand what you are going thru. Been there, done that. Even the counseling will not change his needs and wants. This man has been like this most of his life and hidden it in a closet.  From reading your posts, it also appears that he is a woman hater.  Most men who react like your H are.

Believe me when I say, none of this is your fault and truely has nothing to do with your sexuallity. It is him. Yes, he was glad you found out!! He thought he could change your moral code to his. Do not let him do that to you.  It is my opinion that for your own happiness, you need to leave. You can explain to him that you cannot live his kind of life and for now you want to be away from him to sort out your feelings about everything. Perhaps, he will not become violent if he temporarily thinks there is a chance.

Mine tried all the same things and was also a master manipulater.  After 12 years, of this I learned he will not change. He still does the computer porn and the yahoo fetish sites and probably sets up meetings too.  At the time I left and divorced him I realized he could not ever change.

Dear Help, you need to consider your own feelings about all this and how you feel about being around him after what you have found out.  I chose to walk away. My pride and dignity were more valuable to me than he was.

Hope this helps you,

Huggs, Purrs, Cybil