Quote From: sjscaredjbcI hope someone that reads this may be able to help me. I have been married for approx. 2 1/2 yrs to a very controlling husband. He is a self made millionaire, although now I am not so sure how he did make his money after some of the things I've seen. We got engaged in 2005, he lived in a home on the beach but rented it out for the summers. He moved in with me for the next year, rent, food, bill free. During that time I quit my job because I did not want to be forced to fire people I felt were good workers. He's reaction to that should have been a sign of what was to come. He ranted and raved and told me I was thinking of no one but myself. He then proceeded to tell me our engagement party was not going to happen. Skip ahead and yes, we did have the party in September, it was beautiful! In December my 10 year old son accidently spilled a pot of hot water on me...After the initial shock of it, I made a foolish mistake of taking the pants off, which in turn pulled all the skin off my leg. I quickly put ice and I had burn cream from when I worked in a medical unit. Clearly, I needed to go to the hospital, I had third degree burns, I was shaking and needed antibiotic and a possible tetnus shot. My soon to be husband would not take me. (He said everything will be ok) my daughter who at the time just got a learners permit drove in a snow storm to get me sterile gauze and tape to wrap it. He then had the nerve to yell at me for letting her go out after dark on a permit license. Here again another red light I choose to ignore.
February rolls around the 14th and we are in barbadoes getting married, my husband loves confrontation and had an argument with the photographer becuase he wanted more more pictures but didn't want to pay for them. The bigger part of that situation is he felt I sided with the man and not him. He left that evening on our honeymoon, and didn't come back until the following day when we were leaving telling me when we got home we were going to get a divorce.
Hope you have this so far. We purchase a beautiful home together and I eventually sell my other home. When we made settlement, I had left 140,000.00 I quickly paid off my car, my daughters car (a loan from the husband), and put the rest in the bank. He would not stop tormenting me about that money, telling me do you think you are going to live scott free? I replied--I paid for every piece of furniture in our home, was paying for all the grocery's cleaning products, and all the needs of my children. (two are in college and one is now 12).
I finally realized unless I gave him this money, I would have no peace. We discussed at length what we should do with the money, pay down the mortage or invest it as he has a lot of his money. He is very smart when it comes to making those kind of decisions. The only trade off that I asked for was to be able to stay home with my son. I have always worked 50 hours a week as a single parent, made sure my children went to the best colleges, and did everything I could for them.
He agreed I could stay home. I did, I have OCD so I don't have to tell you how clean our home is. it's 4 bedroom 3 1/2 baths 2 story. My husband also has a son who is 23 years old that lives with us. He stays in his room 24 hours a day. Has never had a job, and collects permantely disability and probably will never work in his life. I tried exposing him to college by making him take a course. I thought maybe he would at least make one friend. THen I signed him up for the YMCA spinning class. He went with my husband, but never but anything into it, and never went back.
Oh, before I forget, I told you in the beginning my husband is very controlling, and as long as I stay within his guidelines of what he feels I should be doing everything is ok.
My husband and I routinely argue, and at the time (last year), after we would have a fight, he would leave for days to god knows where (he's retired), and I would have a glass of wine to calm down, or maybe that was ten glasses of wine. I ended up putting myself in Alcohol Annonomyous! I love it. Although I never was arrested or had to go to rehab like so many of my friends there, it gives me a real appreciation for what people have gone through to get to this point.
As our marriage continued to crumble, especially since I no longer drink, (my husband has an extensive wine collection here, plus a lot of hard liquor), things became more clear and I didn't want to go to his fancy friends parties andymore and pretend.
We started marriage counceling after Christmas as my husband told me this was it, if this doesn't work we are getting a divorce. He is always threatening me. Counceling was difficult because my husband had a hard time telling the truth about most everything. I explained to the councelor that my husband has Hepitits C from sharing a dirty needle with his friends when he was in his twenty;s and some how never mention this to me before we got married. The Doctor nor my husband seemed very concerned. We went over the next few months with little to no results. Our marriage is very cyclical. We go two to three good days and then he turns into someone else. He even get's this look in his eyes that's almost evil. It's like someone through a switch.
We now come to the present. His son is away in Pennsylvania for two weeks, so I decided to clean his filthy room and do his seven loads of laundry. I found in his room two mason jars of Everclear alcohol, and a bag containing pills, a pipe, syringe, the bands that you tie off around your arm, alcohol 2x2's and a lighter. I confronted my husband and his response was I am f***ng sick of you. My son doesn't do drugs, they are not real. and he was using them for his movie about drugs. I know for a fact that the pills are real, and my Mother is taking one of the little baggies of what looks to be dope to a police friend who is going to run a test on it. I do not believe my husband, but he was like a raving loonatic! This morning before he left, he's a porsche instructor, he threw a hairbrush I guess to scare me, and told me that the laptop I purchased is going back and the root canal my daughter just had, he wants to be paid back. He no longer wants to pay for their cell phones, or car insurance. He also has taken away my joint credit card-I use this to purchase food, or items for the beach rental home. I never use it to buy myself clothes, to go shopping or on anything for myself.
When he is in these states, he degrades me, until I no longer can take it and he wins and I start to cry because it hurts so bad. I have an anxiety disorder that I have had for years. He plays on that saying you have a mental disorder your f***ng nuts and everyone knows it. Sometimes after he yells and screams for so long, I start to feel guilty and almost beg him to please don't divorce me.
I am in a situation where all my money is locked up in this home, I have no real accessible money to put my hands on and I am scared he will throw me and my twelve year old out. My twleve year old only lives with me every other week. We have shared custody.
So...If there is anyone with advice for this ugly life I'm in, I would greatly appreciate it. I am brand new to writing here, so please do not yell or scream at me I am already sinking fast.
With respect!C
Welcome to the board!
I have read some of your story very briefly. Unfortunately I am out of time for today.
But I do have some things I want to tell you.
#1) You are NOT NUTS! (My hubby told me I was too. He was wrong too.) But I totally understand how you might feel like you are. Your life is a train wreck, is it not?
#2) You are not alone. There are so many other women out there and here on this board who live just like you do -- in total and complete misery.
#3) This is a safe place. Sometimes we are blunt -- I will always try to tell it like it is -- just ask anybody here. But we are also very caring, like most victims and former victims of abuse, we really do care. We know what you are going through because we've been through it ourselves.
I will try to write something more for you tomorrow.
Q
