Topic : Abuse

  Thank you for your understanding.   He knew that this would hurt me the most as those girls were my world.  I never spent a day not thinking of them or picking up some book (to help with college) , furniture or anything I thought they would want or needed.  We did shopping, Halloween  and he wasn't interested in even being a part of ANY OF IT, or was absent always and well I was and saw them as my reason for living.  I guess that was a mistake.  As they grew into teen years it was me at the football games, and doing the car pool and waiting up alone.  He traveled so it was "me and the girls" everywhere. 

   We had some marvelous times together.   I lived for them, and it was always me and them. The last few years as his lies and coldness got more and more unbelievable, to include encouraging the girls to be disrespectful to me, (actually both of us).   He started a campaign to "steal" my life from me and did, he took over the kitchen, a few chores, and expected me to do "everything else" he started driving the youngest to school, (though she liked riding with me better) and all the while treated the older girls as his "companions" and confidants.  I often found out what was going on in my life...........because they knew it first.  He lied to me and to them to create "sceniros" of his abuse, (especially if we argued about his doing more around the house, not lying, and overworking and drinking........... instead of only what he wanted to do, and he completely cut me out of all info I needed to know,  of course I tried to set the lies straight but he would do nothing to "fix" them and was happy to have them believe his lies. He parented in reverse......drank too much and became pathological.........they saw me cry .............get sick..........and try and recover from surgery while he........called me a fat ass and get up so he could get to work.........and because of his teenage mentality.............allowed them to behave in ways I found very disrespectful.  He is very jealous of our former relationship.......and I guess he thought if he cut me out he could have "my life" now that he didn't have a job.  He called it helping but it was so obviously a "you can get out" attitude that it infuriated me beyond belief...........then I realized he was doing it on purpose to hurt, control, and turn them against me. 

   I was doing EVERYTHING behind the scenes and he............took all the credit and chewed my rear about money CONSTANTLY.......I worried myself sick........over his drinking ..........never being home and lies about me.......and why in the world didn't he ever correct, dicipline or punish his children for misbehavior.?......he told me he didn't believe in consequences.......and  I had several surgeries and tried to take care of the youngest amist total chaos.  He was very chavanistic and saw himself as my superior in every way.

  He too is military trained in brainwash and interrogation techniques.  I know he will not rest until he has the youngest.............over living in dump town too probably sleeping on an air mattress. 

   He tells me I have done illegal things by locking him out, and telling the older girls  "in cahoots" with his lies  to leave if they hit, or speak to me with disrespect.  Apparently the cop that I called, didn't think so and they all left at their own free will. Including him, as he could have broken in, I just got to where I couldn't stand it anymore, as clearly he was on a rant to run me out and have the older girls help him.   I did all the "right" things all along, was always home, had no friends, (too embarassing as I would make plans and he and the girls NEVER approved or volunteered to baby sit...........and fought like cats if left alone.  Totally led by Daddy's need to "know where I was, and pick my friends".  He was an a 1 ass, and instead of joining us, sat on his butt watching TV or playing solitare.....and kept saying he loved me........and was "trying".  Trying to rub me out of my life and ANY happiness. A Johnny come lately to MY life, only to steal it all from me.  The only thing I have is my home, my youngest and all the stuff from years of being "a good mom" to children who spent MOTHERS day with their Dad, sleeping on air mattresses, because they believed his total bull of "how good he was to me".  MONEY ruined up completely, and he never got over being caught drinking, lying, using and abusing my "competency", to totally disrupt my home.  He is over there acting like he is taking care of  children........when in reality they are sacrificing .......their lives and having them severly disrupted to "support" his bs....while he is  ignoring the youngest (12) completely. 

 He needed them more than they need him............to give him a purpose and to shut me out completely.  He lied and lied and lied and they believed him over me..............the constant always there for them and their needs.  HOW? While I was raising them he was NEVER home, never had time for them, never did anything with them and treated me like dirt...........except to "buy" my loyalty every time I asked for his time or affection.  Then bitched to beat the band about my using HIS money on anything for them, the house, him or myself.  He shut me out completely and God only knows what I don't know about. Now he is saying I have done "illegal" things,  yet no attorney agrees that I have talked to.   I am consulting another one tomorrow.........just to be sure as I JUST KNOW he is planning something.  He claimed he has no money but has taken out a 900.00 loan, and STILL purports to love me and expects to be back in six months when his lease is up.

  If I didn't react and tried to ignore his stuff, and maintain a relationship and STILL be a parent............that was treated with respect in MY home..............he upped the ante.  He found lying to me and telling them the truth worked quite well to alienate me from them as "lesser than" him and the girls he was using as his wives.  Pretty soon they were ordering me around, and my house looked like a dump.  I mean here was this 60 year old man, acting like a woman in EVERY WAY, while I was still responsible to do everything he wouldn't.  I was sicking.  Every counselor SAW what he was about, but not ONE confronted his "parent alienation" or emotional abuse, but the last two and he lied to them.

  He never kept OUR business OUR business, but ran and told "his side" to the girls and I was forever having to "set it straight"..........when I would have rather he just "grew up" and stopped his games.  Somehow he "won" them over............gee could it be the total spoiling of them?

  My heart is broken..........which is my payback for expecting him to be "a man" and let me be "a woman" and to keep our children OUT of it.  He took ALL the credit for EVERYTHING I did, for 28 years and they lost all memory of MOM...........soon I didnt' want to be around them as they treated me like DIRT, there to do their bidding.  He ridiculed me openly, treated me like "HIS mom"  or whipping post and fluctuated between a being a tyrant and a total wimp, asking me permission to go to the bathroom (where he hid, when confronted with a lie and how I found out).  He totally made a "role" for me as the hysterical bitch..........they all had to lie to and hide from and take and take and take............it is awful............to have such ill will towards my own children that I loved with all my heart.   He totally set me up, using his teen and adult daughters to "make me jealous" or resentful as he lied to them and played "dumb" as to why I was angry.

  Outside the family, NO one would know how I was treated and they acted so respectful and well behaved, but at home they walked all over me.........and used me to get what they wanted then joined in while their Dad berated me in front of them.   I never thought they would turn on ME, as it was me that constantly fought him for them to have ANYTHING............he was such a tight wad.

  We are talking a 28 year old and a 20 year old that at the time still lived with me. The 27 year old cussed me and yelled at me from her house (where he was hiding out and disrupting her life).  But of course it wasn't "illegal" for him to have open containers in his car, cut me off from financial knowledge, make major decisions without consultation, and stand by and allow his children to beat on, throw things and disrespect their mother.

  I tried to appeal to their good sense and that he was using them to hurt me with lies, and bad behavior............but they didn't like being told what to do to include cleaning up after themselves.

Because of the abuser's entitlement and self-centeredness the abuser may expect the rewards and

public status of being a father without the difficulties and sacrifices that are truly involved on the part of a

 true parent. 

 Because of his authoritarian approach there are quick fixes without all the time consuming complexities

that normally arise and should be present  when parenting normally with consistent involvement, serious

involvement in the child's thoughts, feelings, and conflicts.

Most batterers /abusers see children as personal possessions with whom HE CAN DO AS HE SEES FIT.

Abusers are generally under involved and neglectful parents also in conjunction with periods of authoritarian involvement.

They commonly see children as a hindrance or annoyance and oft arrange pretexts to be away from home

 much of the time in order to evade parenting responsibilities....some go so far as to even provoke fights

 with their partners in order to create excuses to leave home to participate in other activities, whist mother is left to do ALL THE WORK, THE TIME CONSUMING ALL ENCOMPASSING WORK OF CHILDREARING AND PARENTING 24/7.

Abusers most often are unwilling to make sacrifices or any compromises from their own desires, activities or things in order to meet family responsibilities.

Thus,  mother is fully responsible.  From birth to infinity ! 

Just when I think I am okay and don't need to post anything for a while, here I am again.  Well, my hubby I believe is saying one thing one day and then the total opposite the next day regarding when he is going to move out. To recap: he is the one who won't fill out his paperwork that we need to bring w/us to the mediation attorney, nor will he take the mandatory parenting class.  He also refuses to move into the guest bedroom (which I previously spent 3 years in - it's his turn) or act in anyway like we are splitting up.  Anyway, he looked at a 3 bed. rental just around the corner a couple weeks ago and said it was nice but that the owner was asking too much for the rent.  By the next day, he was like, "well, there's no way it could happen even if they came down on the rent because then I would have to pay first, last, security, and buy furniture."  Well, lo and behold, the owner came down $400 on the rent and hubby was like, "oh well, too bad. It would have been nice but I can't do it."  Then a few days leter he came up w/ the idea of selling some stock to help him w/the first, last, and security deposit.  I readily agreed.  Last night, however, he said, "okay, I'm going to cash in the stock. I am going to pay the credit card bill, fix my car (it conveniently broke down and will cost $2,000 to fix), then use some of the stock money as a down payment for a new car once my old car gets fixed and I can trade it in."  I was like, "Uh....what about the freedom fund?"   He goes, "I don't know if we'll have enough left over."

HE IS GOING TO PISS AWAY ALL THAT STOCK MONEY HE'S CASHING IN SO HE ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE TO NOT MOVE OUT. That money is it - everything else is already allocated somewhere else.

Also, I confronted him on how  I know he is telling people his little sob story of how he hates the house and only bought it to make me and the kids happy.  He got a deer in the headlights look when I told him I knew what he was going around saying and I basically told him that it was yet another example of why I cannot stay married to him any longer.    

I knew he was going to be an a#$%hole about splitting up, but I had no idea just how bad it was going to get.  He's totally got me thinking, "is he going to move out or isn't he. Is he really going to piss away that money or is he actually planning on renting that house?"  This is how he wants it. To keep me wondering, confused, and off balance. I really despise him. Oh, and this "parent alienation syndrome" I am reading about on here, I know for a fact he will get the kids against. me.  I feel like he's already been doing it for many years.

I cannot believe that I am still functioning everyday as a human being.  I get up, go to work, help the kids w/their homework, do the carpool stuff, etc.....meanwhile, inside my head it's just one big, giant, constant SCREAM! And I have to sit down and eat dinner with him and the kids and act like everything is fine because he doesn't want to tell the kids until he's "ready" to move out.  I hate him.

All your life there, in the trenches...

Wildwood, my prayers and sincere thoughts of concern.   The depth of your pain while quietly put, SCREAMS off  the page of your message. 

Many times over the period of your postings here, you've called up to everyone's attention the ins and outs of abuse, well described and placed.

Called  also to their attention, the complexities and lengths of desperate actions that evolved in your home.

The details, the obvious and not so, too.

So many times I've heard some parts of my own  story's echo in  your lines. 

I hear right here in this post above, "He has won !!!!!!!!  Is there no God?"   The echo loud and clear.

YOU must hold it up , yes under this unmerciful assault and pressure. YOU MUST.   You CAN & you

 MUST!   

 Hold your head up with dignity and respect for yourself & your  children, no matter how difficult  the times

you are still their only and true role model.    Whether they admit it or not....they are watching.They do know 

upon self reflection, if willing to admit it.... they still watch for you to model. 

This abuser is using so many common and well studied tactics, games, scams, of abuse, P0WER AND C0NTROL.  One of  the most heinous...USE OF CHILDREN...DIVIDE AND CONQUER. 

I HEAR YOU.

You have my prayers.

We are all here for you.

Take care.

Strength and courage coming your way.

Cause he's only just begun!   I'm sorry to say.

BUT, YOU can handle it....it will be trying, and difficult AND YOU CAN HANDLE IT.  You can!

You need to grab hold of your inner strength and see this all for what it is.

The games,

the scams,

the on or off again threats , not plans! 

The disrespect for you.

The revolving door...he's leaving , he's not.  He goes, he comes.

The shift of power, he will not allow or will patronize you in an attempt to shift, change, manipulate.

    .........and the financial games too, (are these regular shares he proposes to sell....or is he talking stock options?)  either way he is freaking koo-koo!   The financial markets and times that they are...a horrid attempt at cleaning out the funds, and at a loss at that.  Then the additional taxes, or gains and /or losses at tax time .  Koo-koo! 

A financial abuse trick,  ... in my own personal experience , and that of others, more lies,  this $$$ will be eaten up, spent, not seen as joint assets in his eyes.  Listen to his intent for selling the stocks.  $$$ eaten up for nothing....nothing at all but to clean up and away from you....or any solutions.

His intent, more abuse at his hands.

He's pissing away your assets, too.  Do you have JTEN on any of it?  Or JTWROS on any?  DO NOT SIGN.  Or does the MAN have it only in HIS name. (sarcasm on my part here, the MAN part) My bad!

I understand why you told him about the house and what you discovered he said to others, I've done it in defense of my position, also..unfortunately it took me a long time to learn "not to show my hand"

Perhaps you will learn better sooner.  Easier that way for you...could have been for me.

I know the instinct to show you're in the know.  It feels like you're in control over the insanity going on.  I know, I know.  Human reaction.

BUT later comes back to haunt  one way or another.

This guy is upping the ante, and its gonna be a rocky ride.

He's only just begun ....

Oh, and yes, you can believe you're right about his using the kids for years.

Hang on , grab hold

You're strong, intelligent...you're on the right track.

YOU ARE and CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU WANT TO DO IT.

We are here for you.

All the information posted is for your reading...there are many resources posted, sometimes daily.

Take care.

Its good you're venting and getting things out.  

We are here.

That's the plan.

Just when you think you don't need to post for a while ...

Surprise, surprise.

Take it from me, there is so much about the dynamics, complexities, tactics and antics about ABUSE, BATTERING that is not realized or known by many ....

Remember its a cycle, there are stages in each cycle.   Combine with styles, and all of the above. It never ends even when they are quiet or not in the worse parts of any cycle...even when they're pretending to kiss your butt .... its abuse.      

Its an on going education for days, months, years.  And even after you educate your self consistently, with counseling, workshops, reading, classes, own experiences, support groups....its still education that is ongoing.  There are many light bulb moments even years later when you're out of it.

Just when you think.....its gonna be quieter

                                 "there is always another day!"

Take care.

Hang on.

A martyr ,

A victim.

Oh gosh yes.

Hell yes!

Anita,

I've been off the board for a bit.

And I'm out of time for today.

Do want to get back to you sooner rather than later.

Your personal changes and "take charge" attitude are exceptional to see. 

You're a good mama!   Little Z is protected.

I'll catch up with you another time.

Take care.

Thanks Pleasance.

I think I have come a long way...Without that lump of idiocy dragging me down.

I just served him today.  Nerve wracking experience let me tell you.  But not half as nerve wracking as this Friday.  I know I can do it though.

When I first came to this board, I had just left the loser, both my grandparents had just died and the thought of getting a job, managing money ect scared me.

Now, I am driving, have a successful job, a house and everything is paid for, and by me, only me.

I know I can get through this too. 

Thanks All.  There is a very special group of Ladies on this forum.