Topic : Abuse

Strength and courage coming your way.

Cause he's only just begun!   I'm sorry to say.

BUT, YOU can handle it....it will be trying, and difficult AND YOU CAN HANDLE IT.  You can!

You need to grab hold of your inner strength and see this all for what it is.

The games,

the scams,

the on or off again threats , not plans! 

The disrespect for you.

The revolving door...he's leaving , he's not.  He goes, he comes.

The shift of power, he will not allow or will patronize you in an attempt to shift, change, manipulate.

    .........and the financial games too, (are these regular shares he proposes to sell....or is he talking stock options?)  either way he is freaking koo-koo!   The financial markets and times that they are...a horrid attempt at cleaning out the funds, and at a loss at that.  Then the additional taxes, or gains and /or losses at tax time .  Koo-koo! 

A financial abuse trick,  ... in my own personal experience , and that of others, more lies,  this $$$ will be eaten up, spent, not seen as joint assets in his eyes.  Listen to his intent for selling the stocks.  $$$ eaten up for nothing....nothing at all but to clean up and away from you....or any solutions.

His intent, more abuse at his hands.

He's pissing away your assets, too.  Do you have JTEN on any of it?  Or JTWROS on any?  DO NOT SIGN.  Or does the MAN have it only in HIS name. (sarcasm on my part here, the MAN part) My bad!

I understand why you told him about the house and what you discovered he said to others, I've done it in defense of my position, also..unfortunately it took me a long time to learn "not to show my hand"

Perhaps you will learn better sooner.  Easier that way for you...could have been for me.

I know the instinct to show you're in the know.  It feels like you're in control over the insanity going on.  I know, I know.  Human reaction.

BUT later comes back to haunt  one way or another.

This guy is upping the ante, and its gonna be a rocky ride.

He's only just begun ....

Oh, and yes, you can believe you're right about his using the kids for years.

Hang on , grab hold

You're strong, intelligent...you're on the right track.

YOU ARE and CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU WANT TO DO IT.

We are here for you.

All the information posted is for your reading...there are many resources posted, sometimes daily.

Take care.

Its good you're venting and getting things out.  

We are here.

That's the plan.

Just when you think you don't need to post for a while ...

Surprise, surprise.

Take it from me, there is so much about the dynamics, complexities, tactics and antics about ABUSE, BATTERING that is not realized or known by many ....

Remember its a cycle, there are stages in each cycle.   Combine with styles, and all of the above. It never ends even when they are quiet or not in the worse parts of any cycle...even when they're pretending to kiss your butt .... its abuse.      

Its an on going education for days, months, years.  And even after you educate your self consistently, with counseling, workshops, reading, classes, own experiences, support groups....its still education that is ongoing.  There are many light bulb moments even years later when you're out of it.

Just when you think.....its gonna be quieter

                                 "there is always another day!"

Take care.

Hang on.

A martyr ,

A victim.

Oh gosh yes.

Hell yes!

Anita,

I've been off the board for a bit.

And I'm out of time for today.

Do want to get back to you sooner rather than later.

Your personal changes and "take charge" attitude are exceptional to see. 

You're a good mama!   Little Z is protected.

I'll catch up with you another time.

Take care.

Thanks Pleasance.

I think I have come a long way...Without that lump of idiocy dragging me down.

I just served him today.  Nerve wracking experience let me tell you.  But not half as nerve wracking as this Friday.  I know I can do it though.

When I first came to this board, I had just left the loser, both my grandparents had just died and the thought of getting a job, managing money ect scared me.

Now, I am driving, have a successful job, a house and everything is paid for, and by me, only me.

I know I can get through this too. 

Thanks All.  There is a very special group of Ladies on this forum.

 Pleasance and all who "prayed" and understood.   Thank you Bless you, and know you are my inspiration.   I did have a "fall on your knees" moment when he came to get HIS (?) furniture out of the barn. What he took was the furniture we had when first married (his) and when he opened the barn (which he was too lazy to help me deal with 30 accumulated stuff and memories but durn hotfooted to help HIMSELF), I saw all the childrens toys, stuff no longer in use, Halloween decorations (big time of year for me and girls) and well I ran to  the back of a  tree (he didn't know) and cried and cried and cried with the heartbreak of reality, I cried so much I thought for sure I would just melt into the pool of my tears and "disappear" in the puddle at my feet (here I am hiding behind a tree having my "private" cry while he is oblivious to anything but "his" mindset of taking care of him. )

  I "died" that day, or rather something inside me died (my childhood thoughts of forever after, and or being cared for and truly loved for me. )  I hit the ground on my knees and (sorry for the religious references, but for me it worked) and asked God to take away this unbearable pain.   I said "HELP!" and honestly I got STRENGTH from letting go of those years of built up tears.  It was "cleansing" and awakening.   I got my help and my answer............."Did I really want to live with someone who could cause me such pain, and be TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to it (and only see "his" needs)?  NO!!!!  Did I want to take complete charge (mentally and emotionally) of getting away from such pain?  Resounding YES!!!!  At that point I knew, there was REALLY no turning back, and frankly I really didn't want to.   I let go of my "dreams" and the man I hoped for and "saw" like I never had before, that ME had to take care of ME.   And, gosh, that was what I was supposed to have KNOWN all along, and it was going to be OK. Not over, but ok to look out for number one and  number two (my youngest).  I had really been the one to WIN! A victory over adversity, and anamosity.

  Now, pain and age and my own emotional and physical sickness, outrage and anger, and fears all came together to "force" me to find the fortitude and strength to "free" myself emotionally and physically (matter of survival?) to walk the LONG walk to emotional happiness. 

  I realized I had started on this journey YEARS ago, but hoped I didn't have to pick which fork in the road to follow, in short I "hoped" he would be the man I needed and I wouldn't be faced with the decision of protecting self (from emotional abuses). 

  I WAS A COWARD, had lost my own "free will" capabilities and had given my power away.  All those years of "hope" suddenly DIED their final death.   I grieved, and gained strength from "letting go" of childish "dreams" of happily ever after.

   Like a lightbulb, I saw years of selling self out,  (done in specks of acquiessence hardly noticible at the time) and how it left me  begging for a crumb of empathy  and compassion from the person who STOLE my self esteem. IRONIC?.  VERY humbling.  I saw all the things that hadn't earlier "really made any sense" and most of all, I saw my "enemies" REAL weaknesses.   For to me anyone that can ONLY think of self, and manipulates others to do the same, is the one with the REAL handicap.   To be real and exist they have to FORCE others to bow to them...........how sad, what an existance for a human being.   To be this way was against EVERYTHING I had been taught, learned and believed in.   Oh my, what strength I got from these "God sent" (again sorry for the preach) revelations.  My mom calls these "front porch moments", which I still don't understand where that comes from, but hey, it was a whopper of a light bulb ME IS GOING TO BE OK, IF NOT BETTER IN THE LONG RUN MOMENT.

  I realized being unable to "let go" had REALLY been what kept me prisioner all along. The sellout of me, left me with no "inner strength"...........but  I really was fighting all along for ME to exist.

  Ok, so here is what I have learned from experience.

  The most important element of "breaking the bonds of abuse" is to have the mentality of the abuser, temporiarly, a "know your enemy" or rather your souls enemy.

  IN short, they do what they do because they are UNABLE to really relate, empathize and think of others and their needs and feelings.  USE this, back on them.  Stop caring about them, the manipulations and the pain.  Get in Jungle fighter mentality.  This was pretty easy for me, having been a "tomboy", and well equipped with "former life" self esteem.   I called on my "survival" of the boys, instincts.

  Think back to your childhood experiences, where boys were "yuck" ,full of themselves, and braggarts more than "do its".  Remember how the school yard boys always laughed at and put down the girls as inferior? Or the jerk that was mean to you cause you didn't want to "go steady" with such an arrogant and mean turd? Remember how "small" they seemed to make you feel if you "rejected" their bunglings at "love", which , according to these immature morons, was supposed to be gotten by force, manipulation and intimidation?  It made you hurt, angry, disgusted, and fearful?  Well, DUH! To me being "that" kind of  a girl, all batty eyed and dumb was an INSULT. Ok so realize, your abuser, never matured past the school yard bully stage of emotional maturity, where you ASK, not take by force, you earn, not steal someones love.

  Once you realize who REALLY is the emotionally, and mentally "stunted" individual here, the rest kinda just comes. Get over the need to protect them, and the embarrassement that you are actually MARRIED to an emotionally stunted man.  We all make mistakes, to keep repeating them is the shame.

  Self preservation, in spite of horrendous manipulations for you to "be taken by force" into the nether land of emotional and physical abuse, is prime.  It IS up to you to free you, and there is just NO getting around it. 

 Sometimes that means (usually does) you have to adopt the mentality of the bully, to beat the bully at his game. Get MEAN, i and unfeeling (for othersO inside.  Do not let them know you have "changed".  It is essential to hold your "ace in the hole" the NEW you close to your chest.   Disarm, but act wiser with YOU, not the two of you, in mind.  Be warned, good acting skills in order, as they CAN sense the change, you have to work on being "secretive" not open as is your usual nature.

  Jungle mentality.  In the jungle NO one helps you survive.  Your wits, and your inner strength is ALL you have to call on, and for gosh sakes DO NOT TELL THE "ENEMY" you game plans or thoughts or actions in your own behalf.  This is THE single most important rule of the jungle and how you can get out.   STOP TALKING!!!!!  STOP TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!  STOP TALKING.

  Start DOING.  IF you talk, or try and talk it into better, all you do is ALERT the "enemy" how to "outfox" you.  Loose lips will sink your ship.   I know it is hard to see someone you loved, as the enemy, but take heart, you did not make them the enemy, they made themselves your enemy by their choice to "steal" away your right to choose for yourself, what treatment you will expect and deserve.

  When someone abuses, they made the declaration that they are not to be trusted, fair game for what ever consequences they must themselves face. They will fight with all the resources, and strength they have to not give up "status quo", they become obsessed with "winning" and everything in your life is a "life preserver" to their quest to over power your inner soul.  FIGHT your fight, your quiet fight to save yourself.

  Sometimes you have to "reverse" mentality your way out of this, it will require you to "change who you really are" long enough to survive.  By this I mean you have to shift your normal, think of others, empathy and good qualities to those of "survival" mode, do the opposite of what you NORMALLY would do the "get along with others"..........but play the game by their (the abusers rules).

  This is what I did, but CAUTION, the threat of violence or if such exists, is REAL.  Do not mess with that in any form.  However if your abuser is really a coward, and primarily into emotional abuses or "mind games" LEARN THE RULES THEY PLAY BY,  find their 'weaknesses".   Buy into their 'self talk" of looking out for number one, while purporting to look out for others.  Use this on them.

  In other words with faced with the financial stalls, an abusive spouse uses to abuse financially and also to cut off any means to relief, play it like this.  Keep promoting how this "change" of scene will be to THEIR advantage.  If they smell rejection, they will cling to you.  Don't reject, sell the advantages to THEM. FLATTER their egos, and get them disarmed. I know it is hard to "play act" and to us it seems so "unnatural" and devious.  Remember however, that is EXACTLY what they do. Say one thing and do another.  Promise devotion, love and change while really upping the ante. They USE peoples weak points to manipulate.............use their overthetop ego needs, and need to power over to get them off track of what you are REALLY doing to save you. 

  Promote how being "single" or moving out is best for them, tell them you know you are hard to live with (lie) and that  they deserve some peace, (while you work on your issues (lie)  make it appear temporiary, a "time out" from the demands you know you have unfairly made (lie).  Flatter, sell and  use all you "acting abilities" to flatter their  ego and self interest they have.   They will use finances, as an excuse not to affect change.  You may have to get REAL creative and learn to "lie" to them about that too. This was the hardest for me as I am so very adamant about "truth" in all my relationships.  Becoming a practiced "liar" to protect self was probably the hardest thing for me. But it is essential for your survival.

  If they think you are all about THEM and what they need, and sell it as "their" just rewards for being so stressed by you (another lie) and how the deserve time to themselves away from you and the kids, and you are beginning to realize what a whacko (lie) you have been and how you think this time away no matter what it costs (lie) is what they really deserve for putting up with you (lie) and that you think it might save the marriage (lie) and well you get the idea.   Reverse phychology, sometimes works wonders.

   The hardest thing to do is to "make, force, or otherwise tell a bully what to do.  Worse to tell them what YOU are going to do. 

    Some cannot be overpowered with force, and it is dangerous to try.

     In my case I "took charge" and just did it.  However in many cases that will get you DEAD. Only you know how to manipulate your abusers away from you. In the meantime look out for YOU.  Try and stop being emotional, this angers them as they really do not understand EMOTIONS. 

  Oh, I had a wonderful Mothers Day with my mom, and youngest and other family members.  I also did manage to get my riding mower (essential for me to keep up the place, SNAKES) and did get gifts from the older girls, (they are beginning to realize how Daddy's had led them into a horrible place to be) and to miss mom.  However ANY reconcilliation with anyone at this point will only validate it is ok to treat me that way, and poof! all back to normal. NOT.

  I have become "cold" to the emotional pull to make nice, even when others don't.  Besides they really do need to be independant of me, and this is a good way to effect that.

  Take care all, and thank you thank you thank you, and Pleasance your name says it all. How very Pleasant to have your patience, care and concern, and quiet strength to support and guide us all in this journey to emotional freedom. 

I sit here & read.  I see patterns.  ALWAYS patterns.  Abusers MO's always seem to be so obvious to me now.  How sad that me & many others still buy into the game of abuse & don't see what's right in front of them - can't see the forest for the trees of their own insecurities - insecurities that were PUT there by abusers in the first place!  Sometimes it's our boyfriends, husbands, sometimes it goes back even further - with a father.  My father was my first abuser - he set me up for more abuse in my future.  Knowingly?  I prefer to think that he was just as messed up as he made me!!  I forgave him but had to learn how to live NORMALLY! 

Years after ending my abusive marriage I STILL have things that come up now & then.  Things that were SO deeply ingrained into my being that I didn't even know that they were there!  I work through them 1 by 1.  My latest learning that I was taught that I had to make myself useFUL or I would be useLESS.  Sad that I was taught that in order to hold on to a relationship, I had to make myself NEEDED.  It scared me to death that my fiance didn't NEED me - he WANTED me!!!  He could get along just fine without me.  Now that I have gotten through my latest re-awakening of sorts, I believe that his being with me is a testament to his deep love for me NOT because he can't live without me but because he doesn't want to. 

I now know what a FUNCTIONAL relationship is. 

It was a long, hard road to get to where I am today.  I had been abused all my life.  Just not physically. 

I never lost my kids.  SOMEHOW they always stayed close to me.  Possibly because he didn't have the patience for them & saw them as extensions of me & therefore, the enemy.  It was the one thing he didn't do - use the kids against me.  ALTHOUGH - there was a time after the divorce when I talked to my youngest about how proud I was that neither of us tried to turn each other against the other parent.  Well, it wasn't QUITE true my daughter said.  He failed.  They were older & knew the truth.  It backfired instead - making his relationship with them even more strained.  He had abused them all from the beginning too & they had had their fill.  They aren't close to him now.  They keep in touch & he comes to the family functions but they aren't close.  You can bet I know I am lucky & blessed.  My own fiance had his child turned against him.  I know it happens.  I keep hoping since she is an adult now that she will come around someday.  I have seen family movies of them together.  Such a loving & attentive father he was - she was CLEARLY his world.  I can completely believe the one parent telling the child that if they kept in touch with the other parent - don't come back to me.  I have no proof but believe that could be what happened with J & his daughter. 

Women tend to go for help more than a man but abused men ARE out there too. 

So what happens to the kids?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How do THEY survive intact?  THEY DON'T!  SO sickening this abuse is!  Destroys SO many lives!  SO hard to heal from!  What can we do? 

I guess we start by healing inside ourselves.  We grow in strength, self-esteem, self-confidence....  We show by example - LIVE being an example of what a strong, healthy woman/man IS!  We can't change them - it's not our job anyway.  All we can do is change OURSELVES.  Negativity brings others down with it.  POSITIVITY can be contageous & think about it - EVERYONE loves to be around a positive person!  Life is life.  NO ONE has everything handed to them on a silver platter. 

Recently I noticed some things about people around me.  One person just wanted to rise above all the "old baggage" & be free of everything - be "normal".  Another person - a co-worker - had an experience in her childhood that left her with a fear.  Others had some fears from their past - an incident with a dog may leave one fearing all dogs in the future.  So what does it all mean? 

I guess it means that we ALL are affected by our past.  We ALL have SOMETHING that we struggle with - old baggage. Our past is part of who we are - it has shaped us into the people we are today.  THE GOOD NEWS is that we can rise above it.  We can change who we have become & overcome our old baggage.  We are stronger than the past.  We don't HAVE to be forever lost in our fears & insecurities that were dealt to us either from incidents or from abusive people. 

Things happen to all of us.  It can change who we are.  BUT ONLY IF WE LET IT!  Yes, I am suggesting that we LET ourselves fall into the pits of despair we have found ourselves in.  Yet it was a completely normal reaction! To quote Maya Angelou - "We did what we knew how to do but when we knew better, we DID better". 

WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, NORMAL, GENTLE INDIVIDUALS that have been deeply affected by our past.  But we are better than our past - stronger than our past - & can rise above it & heal to a better life.  Unfortunately, there are casualties along the way - sometimes we lose our kids for a while.  The biggest casualty is the time lost to us.  I may be a forever optimist or a dreamer but believe that what goes around will come around.  I believe that kids will see the light of day someday & finally see the truth.  In the meantime, all we can do sometimes is just heal our way to a normal life & be forever patient that things DO turn around.   

One of the first things that needs to be done is to forgive.  It was easy for me to forgive my abusers - I see them as lost people that create their own hell on earth.  I pity them for they may NEVER heal from it or see that they create their own world just as we were lost in OUR own world for so long.  Now that doesn't mean that we won't have our world rocked a bit by them now & then - ESPECIALLY when there are children involved.  It's fallout - fallout from the broken world we were trapped in for so long & it needs to be dealt with.  As long as we don't EVER get trapped again - if we stay strong - heal - & find our own TRUE path - the path we were led astray from.  Forgiving doesn't mean that it's all OK.  It just means that we are letting go of the negativity - that draining negativity.  "Let go with love" comes to mind.  Letting go of negativity may mean letting go of a loved one that is lost in it - a husband, parent, child.  It's HEARTBREAKING to say the least but it is what it is & for our own good, sometimes we just need to keep our distance.     

The world will ALWAYS have evil in it - NEGATIVITY in it.  WE are the ones that are blessed enough to be able to SEE.  When we gain that sight, we can heal. 

NOW we become empowered.  Now WE are in control of OUR OWN destiny once again!  Instead of the dog walking us, we are walking the dog. 

Remain positive knowing that all negativity is destructive.  Heal, be strong, be confident, KNOW that you have the strength & ability within you to get through ANYTHING!  IT WILL GET BETTER!!  May take some time but it will get better.  Hang in there all of you - truth, honesty, all that is good in this world is on our side!!!  We were once lost, but now we are found & happiness, peace, & serenity aren't far behind our healing!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<    

I am so happy for your lightbulb moment.  We who have our feet firmly planted on the road of recovery have all had them.  There may be more in your future.  Tears are cleansing & it sounds like yours have washed away much of your old ways of thinking.  Ironic that I posted my long observation just after your post.  Were we on the same wave-length?  Maybe just on the same recovery road - been there.  I have had my own "divine moments of intervention" & completely understand.  Whether we believe in God or just a universal force that is larger than ourselves, I do believe that we are blessed to be able to finally SEE THE TRUTH of it all.  Once "enlightened", we will never be the same again but that's a good thing.  We suffered in our darkness long enough.  

I believe in being who we were meant to be - not necessarily being like the "enemy" - just fighting for ourselves now - our rights.  We are stronger now - empowered.  It doesn't necessarily mean that we  become heartless - we are merely jungle fighters that aren't afraid to fight any longer for what's right.  Nothing heartless about it.  We couldn't be completely heartless if we tried!  Isn't that how we got trapped in the first place? 

Don't lose yourself.  Don't lose your gentleness & compassion.  Just use it more wisely.  You have been gifted with the sight of truth.  You'll know what you need to do when you need to do it.  God be with you!  LS  >^.^< 

J & I are together for 2 years today!  We couldn't be happier if we tried. 

There IS life after abuse!!!   God Bless - LS  >^.^<