Topic : Abuse

 Pleasance and all who "prayed" and understood.   Thank you Bless you, and know you are my inspiration.   I did have a "fall on your knees" moment when he came to get HIS (?) furniture out of the barn. What he took was the furniture we had when first married (his) and when he opened the barn (which he was too lazy to help me deal with 30 accumulated stuff and memories but durn hotfooted to help HIMSELF), I saw all the childrens toys, stuff no longer in use, Halloween decorations (big time of year for me and girls) and well I ran to  the back of a  tree (he didn't know) and cried and cried and cried with the heartbreak of reality, I cried so much I thought for sure I would just melt into the pool of my tears and "disappear" in the puddle at my feet (here I am hiding behind a tree having my "private" cry while he is oblivious to anything but "his" mindset of taking care of him. )

  I "died" that day, or rather something inside me died (my childhood thoughts of forever after, and or being cared for and truly loved for me. )  I hit the ground on my knees and (sorry for the religious references, but for me it worked) and asked God to take away this unbearable pain.   I said "HELP!" and honestly I got STRENGTH from letting go of those years of built up tears.  It was "cleansing" and awakening.   I got my help and my answer............."Did I really want to live with someone who could cause me such pain, and be TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to it (and only see "his" needs)?  NO!!!!  Did I want to take complete charge (mentally and emotionally) of getting away from such pain?  Resounding YES!!!!  At that point I knew, there was REALLY no turning back, and frankly I really didn't want to.   I let go of my "dreams" and the man I hoped for and "saw" like I never had before, that ME had to take care of ME.   And, gosh, that was what I was supposed to have KNOWN all along, and it was going to be OK. Not over, but ok to look out for number one and  number two (my youngest).  I had really been the one to WIN! A victory over adversity, and anamosity.

  Now, pain and age and my own emotional and physical sickness, outrage and anger, and fears all came together to "force" me to find the fortitude and strength to "free" myself emotionally and physically (matter of survival?) to walk the LONG walk to emotional happiness. 

  I realized I had started on this journey YEARS ago, but hoped I didn't have to pick which fork in the road to follow, in short I "hoped" he would be the man I needed and I wouldn't be faced with the decision of protecting self (from emotional abuses). 

  I WAS A COWARD, had lost my own "free will" capabilities and had given my power away.  All those years of "hope" suddenly DIED their final death.   I grieved, and gained strength from "letting go" of childish "dreams" of happily ever after.

   Like a lightbulb, I saw years of selling self out,  (done in specks of acquiessence hardly noticible at the time) and how it left me  begging for a crumb of empathy  and compassion from the person who STOLE my self esteem. IRONIC?.  VERY humbling.  I saw all the things that hadn't earlier "really made any sense" and most of all, I saw my "enemies" REAL weaknesses.   For to me anyone that can ONLY think of self, and manipulates others to do the same, is the one with the REAL handicap.   To be real and exist they have to FORCE others to bow to them...........how sad, what an existance for a human being.   To be this way was against EVERYTHING I had been taught, learned and believed in.   Oh my, what strength I got from these "God sent" (again sorry for the preach) revelations.  My mom calls these "front porch moments", which I still don't understand where that comes from, but hey, it was a whopper of a light bulb ME IS GOING TO BE OK, IF NOT BETTER IN THE LONG RUN MOMENT.

  I realized being unable to "let go" had REALLY been what kept me prisioner all along. The sellout of me, left me with no "inner strength"...........but  I really was fighting all along for ME to exist.

  Ok, so here is what I have learned from experience.

  The most important element of "breaking the bonds of abuse" is to have the mentality of the abuser, temporiarly, a "know your enemy" or rather your souls enemy.

  IN short, they do what they do because they are UNABLE to really relate, empathize and think of others and their needs and feelings.  USE this, back on them.  Stop caring about them, the manipulations and the pain.  Get in Jungle fighter mentality.  This was pretty easy for me, having been a "tomboy", and well equipped with "former life" self esteem.   I called on my "survival" of the boys, instincts.

  Think back to your childhood experiences, where boys were "yuck" ,full of themselves, and braggarts more than "do its".  Remember how the school yard boys always laughed at and put down the girls as inferior? Or the jerk that was mean to you cause you didn't want to "go steady" with such an arrogant and mean turd? Remember how "small" they seemed to make you feel if you "rejected" their bunglings at "love", which , according to these immature morons, was supposed to be gotten by force, manipulation and intimidation?  It made you hurt, angry, disgusted, and fearful?  Well, DUH! To me being "that" kind of  a girl, all batty eyed and dumb was an INSULT. Ok so realize, your abuser, never matured past the school yard bully stage of emotional maturity, where you ASK, not take by force, you earn, not steal someones love.

  Once you realize who REALLY is the emotionally, and mentally "stunted" individual here, the rest kinda just comes. Get over the need to protect them, and the embarrassement that you are actually MARRIED to an emotionally stunted man.  We all make mistakes, to keep repeating them is the shame.

  Self preservation, in spite of horrendous manipulations for you to "be taken by force" into the nether land of emotional and physical abuse, is prime.  It IS up to you to free you, and there is just NO getting around it. 

 Sometimes that means (usually does) you have to adopt the mentality of the bully, to beat the bully at his game. Get MEAN, i and unfeeling (for othersO inside.  Do not let them know you have "changed".  It is essential to hold your "ace in the hole" the NEW you close to your chest.   Disarm, but act wiser with YOU, not the two of you, in mind.  Be warned, good acting skills in order, as they CAN sense the change, you have to work on being "secretive" not open as is your usual nature.

  Jungle mentality.  In the jungle NO one helps you survive.  Your wits, and your inner strength is ALL you have to call on, and for gosh sakes DO NOT TELL THE "ENEMY" you game plans or thoughts or actions in your own behalf.  This is THE single most important rule of the jungle and how you can get out.   STOP TALKING!!!!!  STOP TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!  STOP TALKING.

  Start DOING.  IF you talk, or try and talk it into better, all you do is ALERT the "enemy" how to "outfox" you.  Loose lips will sink your ship.   I know it is hard to see someone you loved, as the enemy, but take heart, you did not make them the enemy, they made themselves your enemy by their choice to "steal" away your right to choose for yourself, what treatment you will expect and deserve.

  When someone abuses, they made the declaration that they are not to be trusted, fair game for what ever consequences they must themselves face. They will fight with all the resources, and strength they have to not give up "status quo", they become obsessed with "winning" and everything in your life is a "life preserver" to their quest to over power your inner soul.  FIGHT your fight, your quiet fight to save yourself.

  Sometimes you have to "reverse" mentality your way out of this, it will require you to "change who you really are" long enough to survive.  By this I mean you have to shift your normal, think of others, empathy and good qualities to those of "survival" mode, do the opposite of what you NORMALLY would do the "get along with others"..........but play the game by their (the abusers rules).

  This is what I did, but CAUTION, the threat of violence or if such exists, is REAL.  Do not mess with that in any form.  However if your abuser is really a coward, and primarily into emotional abuses or "mind games" LEARN THE RULES THEY PLAY BY,  find their 'weaknesses".   Buy into their 'self talk" of looking out for number one, while purporting to look out for others.  Use this on them.

  In other words with faced with the financial stalls, an abusive spouse uses to abuse financially and also to cut off any means to relief, play it like this.  Keep promoting how this "change" of scene will be to THEIR advantage.  If they smell rejection, they will cling to you.  Don't reject, sell the advantages to THEM. FLATTER their egos, and get them disarmed. I know it is hard to "play act" and to us it seems so "unnatural" and devious.  Remember however, that is EXACTLY what they do. Say one thing and do another.  Promise devotion, love and change while really upping the ante. They USE peoples weak points to manipulate.............use their overthetop ego needs, and need to power over to get them off track of what you are REALLY doing to save you. 

  Promote how being "single" or moving out is best for them, tell them you know you are hard to live with (lie) and that  they deserve some peace, (while you work on your issues (lie)  make it appear temporiary, a "time out" from the demands you know you have unfairly made (lie).  Flatter, sell and  use all you "acting abilities" to flatter their  ego and self interest they have.   They will use finances, as an excuse not to affect change.  You may have to get REAL creative and learn to "lie" to them about that too. This was the hardest for me as I am so very adamant about "truth" in all my relationships.  Becoming a practiced "liar" to protect self was probably the hardest thing for me. But it is essential for your survival.

  If they think you are all about THEM and what they need, and sell it as "their" just rewards for being so stressed by you (another lie) and how the deserve time to themselves away from you and the kids, and you are beginning to realize what a whacko (lie) you have been and how you think this time away no matter what it costs (lie) is what they really deserve for putting up with you (lie) and that you think it might save the marriage (lie) and well you get the idea.   Reverse phychology, sometimes works wonders.

   The hardest thing to do is to "make, force, or otherwise tell a bully what to do.  Worse to tell them what YOU are going to do. 

    Some cannot be overpowered with force, and it is dangerous to try.

     In my case I "took charge" and just did it.  However in many cases that will get you DEAD. Only you know how to manipulate your abusers away from you. In the meantime look out for YOU.  Try and stop being emotional, this angers them as they really do not understand EMOTIONS. 

  Oh, I had a wonderful Mothers Day with my mom, and youngest and other family members.  I also did manage to get my riding mower (essential for me to keep up the place, SNAKES) and did get gifts from the older girls, (they are beginning to realize how Daddy's had led them into a horrible place to be) and to miss mom.  However ANY reconcilliation with anyone at this point will only validate it is ok to treat me that way, and poof! all back to normal. NOT.

  I have become "cold" to the emotional pull to make nice, even when others don't.  Besides they really do need to be independant of me, and this is a good way to effect that.

  Take care all, and thank you thank you thank you, and Pleasance your name says it all. How very Pleasant to have your patience, care and concern, and quiet strength to support and guide us all in this journey to emotional freedom.