Topic : Abuse

His "little boy lost" act is just that - an act.  I'm SURE you have seen it before with him.  If he has hurt you so badly in the past that you still have repercussions from it - GO, GO, GO & don't look back!  Do NOT feel guilty in any way.  YOU have done nothing wrong.  You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. 

 

Has he been in councelling?  I'll bet not.

 

Read any good books on abuse lately?  I'll be not. 

 

It AMAZES me the stories these guys come up with to cover up their deceptions!!!!!!!!!!!!  Amazes & angers me!  AND WE BUY IT HOOK, LINE, & SINKER!  Why?  Because we are SO eager to have that "perfect" relationship that ALWAYS seems to be just out of our reach!!!  Well, honey, you will NEVER have it!!!  It's part of that game to have that beautiful "carrot" forever dangling just out of our reach!!! 

 

Sounds like it's been years that you have put up with his abuse, stories, & dysfunction.  It's OK - there is hope for you.  You are reaching out.  That's a first step.  There is much for you to learn.  Keep coming back here.  If you have been reading here, then you know of all the web sites you can visit to learn.  There are many books on abuse also.  My favorite is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.  It was a ground-breaker at the time it was first published & with good reason. 

 

Learn all you can.  Come back here for support.  I didn't have a councellor so it is entirely possible to heal & recover without one. 

 

You asked how to get over the guilt - LET IT GO.  You will have to learn to let ALL negativity go so you can learn how to function in a normal way.  You have learned some bad, dysfunctional habits that you will have to UNlearn.  You already KNOW he is acting.  This newest "religion" story is just another twist.  I'll bet YOU are religious & spiritual - am I right?  These guys know JUST where to hit you. They know just what to say or do that will get the best reaction & have the most impact & make you feel the most GUILT!!!  It's ALL about control.  All the negativity they pile on you wears you down.  Why?  Because a broken person is easy to control!!!!!!!!!!  They need a victim to control like a vampire needs blood!!!  Why?  Because the only power they have is the power they rob from their victims!  They are SO detached from THEIR inner personal power that the only way they feel powerful is to "power over" another.  Not true for you.  You have a WHOLE LOT of strength & power & HE KNOWS IT even if you don't right now!!!  They feel MORE important when they put their victims down & make the victim feel lower than themselves!  They feel better about themselves as the victim feels worse!  And so it continues till the victim learns enough, sees the truth, & starts pulling away.  Lots of times an abuser will isolate their victims - not wanting them to learn the truth so they won't leave.  The pulling away is where they start pulling out all the stops to hold on!!!  They'll stop at nothing to accomplish it - sometimes even to killing the victim so they can't leave!!!   

 

As for questions 2 & 3 - ditto.  Let it go.  Let go & let God.  Is he getting impatient with you for not "forgiving & forgetting"?  If not, it's OK, it won't be long before he does!!  THEN you'll see the old games begin again.  Do you want to wait till he gets around to hitting you again?  How badly will he hurt you the next time? 

 

Could be that you are not quite ready to leave yet.  It's OK.  Give him enough rope.........  he'll prove to you eventually that leaving may be your only answer.  Abuse (like alcoholism) is progressive - getting worse over time & YES, I DO believe that he is a ticking time-bomb & WILL hurt you again when "the stressors are just right"!!! 

 

It is NOT easy to come out of the denial you are in about your relationship.  We all have such hopes & dreams & that darn dangling carrot keeps us stuck!!!!!!!!!  It's ALWAYS SO CLOSE we could taste it!!!  We ALL wonder if we are doing the right thing by leaving.  Yet most of us (if not all) see the dysfunction continue after we are gone.  Sometimes with us (they still try to lure us back into their sick world) - sometimes with someone else (usually another victim). 

 

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.  And he will/IS pulling out all the stops to hold on to you so you won't leave him.  Don't fall for it.  It's not real. 

 

Always drama.  These guys are SO often SURROUNDED by drama & chaos.  We get caught up in it & think - THIS time it will be different.  After THIS "problem" things will be peaceful finally.  Then there's something else & then something else & then something else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I NEVER ENDS!  Suddenly you find yourself YEARS down the road - YEARS wasted trying to fix the unfixable - & your life when you look back on it is filled with 1 drama after another! 

 

Sorry, but you are on a runaway train, going downhill, with NO BRAKES!  The only survival for you is to jump!  I know it's hard.  Hang in there, be strong, come back again.  Learn all you can.  Knowledge is power - YOUR power.  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

I found this out at least on my own email address yesterday when I had contacted someone re: a purchase I wanted to make via email-  it turns out the person did a web search on my email address (apparently to try to check me out- I had no idea this could be done) and the search brought up a link directly to my profile and posts on this site (I tested it out for myself after I found out they did this, which was because they tried to send someone else an email about me with the link but sent it to me instead.  Anyway when I tried it myself that is exactly what happened)

 

I sent a message to the board administrator and they told yes this can happen but assured me that it only happens if you make your email public on the site-  this does not seem to be correct though because my email is marked private in my profile and it still comes up in the search.  As a matter of fact I got a new email to use just for the site and when I tested it that one doesn't come up in the search but the old one still does even though it isn't in my profile anymore.

 

So, anyway I don't want to create a panic and maybe this won't work for everyone's email but under the circumstances of why everyone is here and the need for some anonymity I wanted everyone to be aware of what I have found out with regards to my own privacy.

I remember when starting out on my road to healing how Dr. Phil would ask the question - what is it that YOU do to contribute to the problems in your relationship?  I was SO confused.  I kept coming up with the same answer - NOTHING!!!  I had done all I could to twist myself up into a pretzel trying to please him in every way.  There WAS no pleasing him & I really had no clue as to what it was I did that made things worse. 

 

Little did I know I had my answer all along - NOTHING. 

 

I did NOTHING TO STOP IT!!! 

 

I LET him walk all over me - push me around, rule over me, put me down, treat me like a doormat, beat my spirit into the ground!!!  I never fought back but instead shriveled up in pain - always wondering WHY?  What did I do to make him treat me so badly?  I simply never stood up for myself.  I thought that if you love someone, you wouldn't treat them badly - I WOULDN'T.  I judged the world by my standards & couldn't imagine treating your partner the way he treated me.  I was right about not treating someone you loved badly but it all had NOTHING to do with love!!!  He didn't love me!  He didn't even know me!  I was nothing more than just a puppet to him to be manipulated & molded into what HE wanted me to be.  Since I wasn't what he wanted IN HIS MIND, I was defective & inadequate to him.  I would NEVER be "good enough" for him no matter WHAT I did!     

 

It was very painful to realize all that I had to acknowledge to be true.  There is NO CHOICE if you want healing & recovery but to realize what you are dealing with - to SEE the game, SEE the cycle, SEE the truth! 

 

With alcoholism, there are 3 paths a person can take - ONLY 3

 

1.  Institutions - hospitals, jail, rehab, etc.

 

2.  Death - sickness from the alcohol, accidents caused while drunk, suicide, etc.

 

3.  Recovery

 

What is REALLY scarey is that there are 3 paths a co-dependent of an alcoholic can take - ONLY 3

 

1.  Institutions - hospitals (breakdowns, depression), jail

 

2.  Death - at the hands of the alcoholic, suicide

 

3.  Recovery

 

I believe that with abuse, the SAME 3 paths are true!!!  THANK GOD there is at least ONE good alternative! 

 

THIS IS NO JOKE!!!  Wake up everyone & SEE what is there in front of you!!  SEE the dysfunction!  SEE the truth!!! 

 

Recovering is a CHOICE!!!  Deciding what to do is a choice.  NOT deciding anything is also a choice!!!  Life rewards action.  DO IT!  RECOVER! 

 

CHOOSE IT.  CHOOSE to let go.  CHOOSE a happier life.  You can do it, we can help!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

You said it!

Dar n it, I just lost my entire response to you !!!

 

Not difficult to tell I'm tired again tonight...can't seem to get my message posted.

 

I'm not going to retype it now, as I am grumbling over loosing the message into thin air.

 

Long story short.

 

YOU POSTED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO MARSPLASTI.  I WAS NOT ACCEPTING OF THE FACT THAT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WAS POSTED IN A PUBLIC FORUM HERE, AND WARNED AGAINST IT AS WELL AS SUGGESTED YOU GET IT REMOVED BY THE MODERATORS, THE POST WHERE YOU POSTED THE ADDRESS FOR ALL TO SEE.

 

GO BACK TO YOUR LIST OF POSTS....FIND THE ONES IN AND AROUND MARCH 8-12TH AND YOU WILL SEE SOME HAVE BEEN REMOVED YET THERE IS EVIDENCE THERE OF YOUR POSTING TO MARSPLASTI AND MY RESPONSES TO THAT, X2.  And then Marsplasti saying " sorry, she forgot."

 

I've been ridiculed by some for my Internet safety warnings over time in here.  But I would be remiss in not putting the helpful and necessary information out there to warn.

 

Safety is important, both because of the subject matter.....and in regard to use of the Internet. 

 

Believe you me, we have had our share of  Internet kooks, Internet nitwits in here over time. 

 

Some more scary than others!

 

No joke, no laughing matter.

 

 

 

 

It's also interesting to note,

 

If an email is mentioned in blogger.com blogs, it can be cross references through google.  I find my blog through running my email after first reading about that little 'glitch' here.

 

I don't think it is a site issue, it may actually be a internet programming thing.  I don't know.  It is a good idea to have a diversion account though.  For several reasons, particularly safety if that is an issue for some.

 

It is a good idea to remember in general with anything on the internet, that although there is a illusion of privacy, there is no actual privacy online.  Whatever information is put on the internet is done at the users risk, therefore caution is advised.

So many times we have new people on the boards.  They post, vent, we listen.  We post back telling them what they need to do, what they are facing - we try to point out the truth & hard facts of the dysfunction they are living with. 

 

Pleasance was with me in the very beginning of my recovery.  She can be very to the point - a good thing.  It can be hard to hear, though, but I KNOW she posts with love & SO wants everyone to find their way just as I do!  We NEED the variety of survivors we have here - the wisdom of Q for instance, & my own way of "coaching", as well as all the others that have learned so much along the way to healing.  But sometimes new people will get our replies & disappear. 

 

Not ready to hear the truth?  Still in denial?  The "not me" syndrome?  The "my situation is different" syndrome?  Who knows. 

 

I know that for me it was a VERY big pill to swallow.  Acknowledging the truth changed everything.  I KNEW what I needed to do but I was scared.  I pulled away too for a bit.  But I never forgot what I was told.  The "seed" of knowledge that was planted in me grew till I could deny it no longer.  I HAD TO DO SOMETHING or forever be caught up in merely complaining about it.  I could NOT do NOTHING anymore.  I knew the road would be a hard one.  I knew there would be challenges.  I did what needed to be done but I was scared - SO SCARED - all the way along my journey to healing.  Fear can paralyze you if you let it.  You MUST keep moving forward, always putting one foot in front of the other towards your future. 

 

To those of you who may be reading - inquiring - trying to find your way - in the shadows of the posts everyday but not finding the courage to write one -

 

Don't be afraid.  We understand.  We've been there.  We know how hard it is & how scared you are.  You have become fragile after years of abuse even though at one time in your past you were most likely a very strong individual.  You are still that person - you've just become buried in the rubble of abuse.  Maybe you are at the end of your rope.  Maybe you are at the point of suicide.  Hopeless.  Nothing to look forward to but more of the same.  At the bottom of that pit of despair feeling like there is no way out for you. 

 

There IS a way out.  Reach out.  FIND the person you used to be.  Re-create yourself again till you are finally the person you were meant to be all along.  The strength is there inside of you - it always was.  Just like Dorothy's shoes - you, too, have always had the power to "go home".  You just don't realize it.  Do you know what is there with you at the bottom of that pit?  YOUR STRENGTH!  Like someone said here - you can't see the forrest for the trees.  Once you pick yourself up & start moving toward healing & recovery, you'll find all the strength you need.  It comes to you & can be as bottomless as that pit of despair!  You won't know where it comes from but that's irrelevant. 

 

You have been looking at your situation from only your point of view.  Now is the time to look at it from a different angle.  What a difference it makes.  Your misery has kept your escape hidden from you.  You MUST stop feeling sorry for yourself, forever whining & complaining & focusing on DETAILS & DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THINGS!  You HAVE the power - use it!!!  If you don't, you may as well just PUT UP & SHUT UP. 

 

Haven't you done that long enough?  God Bless - LS  >^.^<   

Yes P,

 

I did do that and it was a bad decision however while the indication in some posts still exist the address doesn't, still this isn't how the individual traced my email to the boards (they would have had to come here directly and looked up my UN which they didn't know), instead they did a Google search which gave them the link to my profile and posts here.   After trying out several search engines and tests I have determined that it seems to be more of a Google problem then of anywhere else- so I would suggest that no one here attach a Google email address to their profile as they (Google) do not seem to have adequate security for their customers.

 

At any rate, I just wanted to make all of those that come here to find support in a safe environment to be careful about their profiles, as for me I was more offended that someone could do this then anything.  It didn't affect my life in anyway that did anything more than that.  My life at this point in the past month and a half has had a big turnabout- 

 

At that point I gave up everything to the hands of God and He (my Wonderful Lord) took my husband to a drastic place of teaching humility and the destructive path he was taking himself and everyone else on, since then I have seen a very dramatic change in him, his behavior and his views on everything.  Life is not perfect (it never is) but for the 1st time in several years I can look in his eyes and see the difference.  He came home that day after he was brought to his place of crisis, walked in the door confessed all  he had done and been to me, handed me the car keys, the car title, his checkbook, bankcard and mailbox key and gave up all control of everything in our marriage and family. 

 

Nothing is greater than the grace and love of God and I am always amazed at all He does for us when we let Him and to what lengths and depths He will take someone in order to shake them up, open their eyes and give them the chance to renew themselves and turn from their course of destruction!

 

So, I give praise to my wonderful Lord and all of my times are in His Hands!

Thank you so much for your response.  I know you are right in every respect.  Your posts have been some of the most eye-opening for me.  Just to answer some of the questions you posed, in about 2001 or 2002 I think, I did make him go to counseling.  He only went about 3 times and then he apparently only talked about how he was so depressed from his back injury.  (He did have a back injury, but I find myself wondering how bad it truly was.  I personally think he milked it for all it was worth.)  He never once mentioned the real reason he was there for counseling.  The problem is, he is a medical professional himself and knows all the right things to say.  It would take a very astute counselor some time to see through his smoke and mirrors. 

 

I have purchased "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Why Does He Do That" because I see them recommended over and over on this site and others.  I had to sneak to buy them and then I have to read them in short sittings when I have alone time.  I do not want him to know I am educating myself to his ways.  It is slow going, but they are opening my eyes to say the least.

 

Yes, I am a spiritual person and yes he knew just how to play me.  His new found religion lasted only a few weeks.  I strive to be a good person and practice loving kindness to my own detriment.

 

I did start an abuse journal and try to record each incident.  I admit, I do forget to journal sometimes.  It seems his actions are so common to me anymore that I just take them in stride because they are normal to me now.  I fear I have lost my perception.  I find myself wondering, "was that abusive or am I overreacting?"  I really need help in defining the abusive incidents. 

 

Yes, he tried to isolate me.  He has always hated my family and has nasty comments about them.  Not so much anymore, or at least I don't think it is so much anymore, like I said, my perception is not what it used to be and I don't notice a lot of things.  I am very close to my family and they are wonderful people.  I used to have lots of friends and be quite the social butterfly.  I only have a few friends now that I keep in touch with by phone, the ones who know what he does.  He is jealous of everyone and everything.  He was jealous of the relationship that I formed with his child, not because it was better than his relationship, but because the child took away his attention from me.  He is even jealous of my dog!  He has never met his other child.

 

He is so needy it seems.  He has this "lost little boy" persona.  I take care of everything.  He goes to work and that is it and I mean literally that is it.  (But that is another issue in and of itself.  Just suffice it to say he is a chronic abuser of sick time.)  He does not help around the house at all.  When I have home projects that I cannot handle, I have to call his best friend to come help. (I do not know how his friend has stuck around all these years because he is an ass to him at times too.)   I do everything else.  He is not financially controlling, but he is financially abusive because he spends all the money and runs up debts that I get to bail him out of.  I have to take care of all of his "drama."  If he has issues with child support for example, I get to do all the talking to the attorney and keep all the paperwork organized, etc.  I feel like I am his mother and he is a spoiled little brat. I hate dealing with his drama.  I guess I do it because I have learned if I don't then it becomes my fault because it wasn't done and it became easier to do it than to put up with his tantrums. 

 

He is extremely jealous of other men and is very possessive of me.  I gave up my male friends long ago.  On occasion, we have interacted with some of his associates in a social capacity.  On more than one occasion he has gotten angry because he felt like a man was giving me too much attention all because they were treating me gentlemanly like a man is supposed to treat a woman. He did not perceive it as such.  There was just such an incident a few months back and he even got so angry he woke me up just to hand me his wedding band and give me this hurt, forlorn look.  Maybe it was because I was half asleep, but I saw the BS for what it was.  I took off my wedding band too.  I felt like I saw the door to my cell open just a bit and I was gearing up to make a run for it.  I went back to sleep and then the next day I treated him like he has always treated me.  I felt good and powerful turning the tables on him.  I got angry and read him the riot act.  He then started making his excuses for his behavior.  He has since referred to it as "the day I lost my mind."  Thanks to wisdom gathered from these boards and others like it, I have been calling him on his behavior more and more and have even started to notice it in other men.  He has since said I have become a "man-hater".  I replied that I did not hate MEN I hated abusive punks pretending to be men!  I guess that was when I realized that I am tired of his behavior and how it makes me feel.  That is when I realized the dead horse was not getting up no matter how much I beat it.  That is when I started looking in ernest for the keys to freedom.

 

Sorry to ramble, but it feels good to finally start getting it out.  I get started and go off on a tangent.  I have been married for over 12 years and deep down I have been wanting out for a long time now. Because of my personal belief system I felt I had to stick it out and try to fix it.   I am an educated professional, but this situation is taking its toll on me and I feel so unsure of myself and have no confidence anymore.  Thank God we have no children together.  I cannot have children, which has turned out to be a blessing rather than a curse in this situation. 

 

I am running out of time for now and  I must get back to work.  Thank you so very much for taking the time to care about all of us out here and offering your advice and understanding.  God bless you and keep you.

Hey everyone this is my first time writing and telling this to someone other then close family and friends! I think my husband was mintaly abusing me! We always fault about really the same things over and over again. The house was never to his liking and we had a 10 month old starting to really crawl and just starting to take steps so things were everwhere and he would always get made cause there was things that i couldn't get done while he was at work. He would say that taking care of the kids was not a job that i should be able to watch my son and clean house and due all the laundry by the time he got home from work and have dinner started! If he would call me during the day and i was taking a nap with my son cause i was so tried he would get made about that cause he couldn't take a nap! Then one day i cant remember why this came up but he told me that he wasn't attrated to me anymore that he still loved me but because i had gained weight he wasn't attrated to me! that broke my heart so bad that i just started gain more and more! Then things became a little more abusive and controlling, i went home to see my parents they lived about a hour and half away from us. my mother has never liked him and she had some words about him. well when i got home a couple days later we went to walmart and i was having a hard time keeping up with him he 6'1 im 5'2 and he was walking fast cause he was tired and wanted to get home! when somehting looked interesting i would stop and look and he would get so mad and say lets go lets go over and over so i told him go ahead and pay ill meet you up there. we get up there pay for everything as we leave there is a cat beside our car while he is puting things in the car i say hello to the cat cause i love animals and thats when he gets really mad he screams at me to get in to the car when i say hold on im coming he screams lounder! all the way home i was difending ever move i made at walmart. instead of going home he goes about a block from the house and parks! he tells me that he made tons of sacrifices and that i hadn't made any! when i told him i left my family and friends he said oh two friends and a mother that doesnt even like you! i was going to say something about it and when i said my mom he said yeah so what was it that your mother said about me and i told him that i wasn't going to get into it cause that was somthing else that didn't have to do with what we were talking about! then he said he wasn't moving the car till i told him! so we sat there for a good 5 mint i guess then you could see the angur in him he turns the car on and turns the corner about recked the car pulls in the drive way and slams every door in the car other then mine (4 door car) then throws the keys at my face and storms into the house! this was the first time this had ever happened so i called my bestfriend and she didn't really know what to tell me other then for me to be carfull! I left him about a month ago, i had just got home from the hospital cause i had an atempted misscare i was bleeding alot! we got into an argument as he was cooking dinner and so i walked into the bed room quietly closed the door and was trying to calm down so i could eat cause my stomach was still hurting from the bleeding almost like really bad cramps and he comes runing down the hall tried to open the door and couldn't so he kicked the door down with me behind it! he gets in my face screaming done ever lock a door in my house ever agian! i coulndn't breath and he just goes and eats and my son is with my husbans father cause he scream scared! he leaves me on the floor crying and hurting. when i started hyper ventalating he asked do you need a paper bag i told him to get away from me! i texted my dad what happened and he told me to get out of there! well my husband was fixing the door and all of a sundden it was are you going to be made at me the rest of the night?  i sitll love you over and over again are you made at me! so about an hour later a cop comes to the door and asks is someone hitting there wife here? hes father says no nothing is going on here, he comes to us in the bed room the cops are here and they are asking about what happened he said i told them nothing happened! they questioned us seprate and i told them everything and my husband said that nothing happened at all. my biggest mistake was not pressing charges! the next day my friends and family came and got me and took me back home. i wrote my husband tell him that the inverment that we had wasn't right for the kids to grow up in! and that i wanted him to get help and for us work our marrige out. He told me to abort the baby and that he was getting a divorce from me! and if i kept the baby that he was going to make mine and the babies life a living hell for the next 18 years! i dont know what to think, i love him but im scared of him at the same time! sorry i wrote so much there was more that i could have but i dont have time. it feels good to get it out though. if anyone has any advise as to what i should do please i need it bad! thanks for reading =)