Topic : Abuse

You are not a train wreck. A train wreck would be standing still; that isn’t you! It sounds like you are taking very important baby steps- give yourself a pat on the back! The things that you’ve done are not easy, and the fact that you’ve done them anyway says a lot about your strength. Yes, moving in with mom will have its drawbacks, but the positives will by far outweigh the negatives.
It is wonderful that throughout all that you are going through, you want to be a positive role model for others when/if they need it. You are a caring, compassionate person. Those are wonderful traits for a person to have- but in your case, it sounds like they could be a drawback in dealing with your husband and his over-emotional reaction that you anticipate. When he acts that way, your heart is going to question your mind, and there might be a part of you that minimizes his actions over the years because you feel sorry for HIM. If that happens, you’ve got to have the strength and presence of mind to remind yourself that someone has to feel sorry for you; someone must take care of you. You deserve to be good to yourself, to treat yourself with nothing but kindness and respect- and to settle for nothing less then that from others, too. Keep posting about your process and your feelings, and I urge you to keep reading self help information as well. Best wishes!

Madness for Two

 

The abusive relationship is not satisfying to either the abuser or his partner.

 

However, as has been demonstrated over and over again, it is the woman who suffers most.

 

The enormous power imbalance between them...which is so harmful to her, keeps both her and her partner locked together in a "madness for two."

 

 

 

Memorial Day originally called Decoration Day is a day of remembrance of those who have died in our nation's service.

 

The Memorial in Memorial Day has been ignored by too many who have been the beneficiaries of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.  

 

Often the day is not observed as it should be,  actively remembering those who have given that sacrifice:

 

• by visiting cemeteries and placing flags or flowers on the graves of our fallen heroes.
• by visiting memorials
• by flying the U.S.Flag at half-staff until noon.
• by flying the POW/MIA Flag as well.
• by participating in a National Moment of Remembrance at 3:00pm to pause and think upon the true meaning of the day, and for Taps to be played.
• by renewing a pledge to aid widows, widowers, and orphans of our fallen dead and to aid the disabled veterans.

 

 

My gift this weekend.

 

Wishing you a safe, peaceful & sunshine filled weekend.

 

If you'd like ... pick yourself up a Music CD by Natasha Bedingfield

 

I think her song  "Pocketful Of Sunshine" will  lift you up and keep your spirits soaring.

 

 

Memorial Day Weekend is the beginning of many warm weather weekends.

 

Warm weather also brings with it a rise in Domestic Abuse calls and problems.

 

If you need assistance .... call 911.

 

If you would like to talk to someone, call your local abuse hot-line. #'s in the front of your local phone directory.

 

If you would like the national domestic abuse/violence hot-line

 

1-800-799-SAFE

 

 

 

Take care all.

 

I care.

 

Pleasance

 

 

(music cuing)

 

I gotta pocket, a pocketful of sunshine. Oh.

 

Take me away, a secret place ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't remember for sure, but I may have said that I prefer to put the abuse out of my head....that is what I think I used to do before I realized that he was abusive....then I started trying to stay within myself, to see what he does, but sometimes observing and standing up for myself can be exausting, so at times it is easier to 'snap out of myself'.  I realize that this is not good, so I  try to observe  and post confusing situations here for feedback.

 

Your assesment of the 'fork in the road' seems pretty accurate.  Sometimes I think my unwillingness to move even baffles my counselor, although she says that it will just take time, and told me that it takes a woman in this situation an average of 5-7 years to leave. 

 

And really, over the last several months, he has improved in many many ways, which I realize may be just that he has learned how to 'act'.   The snaps back into his previous, controlling attitude  because of work stressover the last couple of weeks shows me that he still has the same core.   But because day to day living is much more bearable than it was before, and because I realize that he will become a beast if I were to try to leave, it is easier at this point to just remain in the situation, and hope, as Q often says, that "if I give him enough rope he will hang himself". 

 

I do appreciate your comments, P.  I need to hear them, though I worry that I infuriate you and others with my lack of reaction.  But I hear them, and I read many books on the subject and try to make honest and accurate comparisons and assesments with the information.

 

 

 

 

...this article seems accurate in many ways.  I can safely say that part of my situation is that I do pity him.  I did from the day I met him, and that was before I knew about the abuse he endured as a child.   The describpion of the abuser cotrolling to preserve 'part of them' really fits.

 I hate him. He drills my kids for information about where I go and who I talk to, he "reminds" me often that he "just doesn't know how he will react if he sees me with another man even if it is just a friend." Which in turn makes me afraid because I do have male friends, no new ones just the same ones I have had for years, the same ones he always insisted I was sleeping with which of course I was not.  He is insidious. It has been 8 months the divorce is almost final and he still is lurking letting he presence be known still making me afraid and I hate him.  Why won't he just give up? What can I do to stop being afraid? How do I know he will not attack some innocent man, possibly a client from work I am talking to on the street. This is ridiculous. I HATE HIM!!!

I hear your frustration and unfortunately you are dealing with someone who is like a time bomb, you never know when he is going to go off or for what reason.  It's his reaction to his loss of control over you.  Now he is using intimidation and its working.  I think you should take everything he says seriously and try to avoid any confrontation.   

 

Have you discussed this problem with your attorney?  I don't know what state you live in but perhaps you could address his stalking issue with the police.  Maybe your attorney could incorporate the stalking issue within the terms of the divorce.  Instead of his picking up the children at your place, you could designate a public spot - you could always have someone with you who could record any threats and be a witness. 

 

I really don't have any concrete answers for you.  Hopefully, once the divorce is final things may change.  In the meantime, you need some type of protection in case he doesn't let go and continues to harass you.

 

I'm sorry you have to live like this.  You worked so hard to get out.  Hang in there - you are almost at the end legally.  I pray he finds someone new and turns away from you and the emotional attachment he has.

 

Peace and Hugs

Very Irish  

Irish is right. Hang in there and dont let him get to you. It takes time. Remember how long youwere

intimidated and abused? It will take awhile for you to stop being afraid. Its a long journey for sure.

but if you need the courts to stop him then do it. Whatever it takes do it. Stop the bully.

Okay; Mine didnt give up for two years or so. I kept going and I never let my guard down. Whatever it took I did. Whether it was get the courts involved or move or hide or whatever. I kept moving and going until

one day he gave up. He got a new victim. You might feel bad when your ex gets a new victim. It will sting but know this they dont change. I have come to know through the grapevine and my own sources that

my ex didnt change  but he changed victims. Him and I now have a different relationship. Its civil and that is it. We even talk but I am no longer a victim and he knows it. He knows I will put a stop to him if he does anything or tries anything. Also; You wont be able to save the new victim or the ex. Keep saving yourself one day at a time and dont look back.Irish is also right about the divorce. Once that goes through he might back off. My theory is that now he will realize you are no longer his property and you are serious and he needs to find another piece of property. You are doing well. With a Hug

 A poster, in the mess, like a lot of us, in preparing physically and mentally to leave recently said if she gave the abusive  spouse? enough rope he may hang himself.

 

  It is not my intent to give you more than you can handle right now, but I felt duty bound to point out the "fault" in your thinking regarding him hanging himself, NOT.  One thing about abusers is their cagey denial to self and other is such that amazingly THEY, never really suffer the FULL consequences of their actions, remember they have no internal thought process that assigns ANY fault to self.  They totally lack responsibility emotionally or otherwise for their own actions.

 

   The truth of it is is the longer you stay, for whatever reason (and believe me I know them all, and can't really talk in all honesty as my former emotional abuser, lies, is still paying the bills even though we don't live together.  The longer YOU stay, more than likely the tighter the "rope" around your own neck will get.

 

   This is usually the case, if there are children involved the longer you stay the longer they too live with the consequences of abuse (emotional or physical) .   Trust me NONE of this is good for children of any age.  Nor for you, should it possibly "go over the childrens heads" to any degree.   Children can sense anger, sadness, untruthfullness, and all the extra negatives that go with living in a dysfunctional (due to abuse or lack of honesty) home.   I know you are dealing with alot right now, and one of those things is the GUILT we assign selves.  Not that we really deserve any, BUT we all feel it right up to the very end.  Guilt for not being able to "fix' the abuser, ourselves, our childrens lives, and on and on.   Stop the guilt, and do not let HIM or your own thoughts GUILT you.  Guilt is a VERY powerful manipulative tool, whether He is trying to use it, or YOU are inadvertantly using it on yourself.

 

  He is DAMAGED, and none of that is your fault............you do however have to take care of self, including fighting with yourself to not go to the GUILT merry-go-round, trust me you will be amazed at how "light" you feel even with all the NEW worries of getting away and going it alone.  It is VERY freeing to not carry their "stuff" and labels and guilt trip around everywhere you go.   You need time to have peace, and to start to heal from a bad experience. The longer you wait, though I agree each woman has to do it when it is right for her, the more the rope will tighten around YOUR neck, trust me on that one.

 

  A clean break is the best, as so much of what abusers do is manipulative entrapment, and guilt tripping everyone BUT themselves.

 

  Take care.