Topic : Abuse

Some recollections ...

He's right back at it !

Oh how I recall.

Rant away, Anita.

His mouth is classic.   And it didn't take much, nor long for it to start over again.

He's still an addict.   Clean or not.

He's still an abuser.

It's NOT your fault.

His is the same, ol line......over and over.

Gosh Anita, I held my breath, and bit my tongue.

Hoped you'd NOT been on a night out with him !   

And I prayed.

Rant, rant away !!!

I'm thanking God, you see CLEARLY NOW.

Take care.

PS     ---      do hope your forever friend is still in your life.  

RECOVERY

All changes, even the most longed for,

have their  melancholy;

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can

enter into another!

                                                          ~~~~~~   Anatole France

FIRST STEP FOR AN ABUSER/BATTERER

    The abuser must disclose fully the history of physical and psychological abuse toward his partner and or children.

The abuser has to overcome the denial and minimization that accompany a problem.  An abuser does NOT stop his abuse if he continues to  deny or to claim 'blackout' or to "forget" significant portions of what he has done.

Similar observations have been made about the indispensable role of full disclosure in treating child sexual abusers; Leberg, 1997.

Disclosure and acceptance of responsibility are interwoven processes so that a batterer, abuser who is making serious progress on owning HIS problem will also tend to make increasing disclosures over time.

First step ....

before many, many others.

Dear Q: 

By the time I read your message, your surgery had already taken place.  However, when you get home and start feeling better, I wanted this message to be waiting for you.

First I wish you a speedy recovery.  I pray for you, your surgeon and your family.  Please know the entire board sends our positive karma for a complete healing.

Q - you are the backbone to this board.  You are a constant source of support, knowledge and TLC.  You know exactly when someone needs a kick in the butt and you know exactly when to do it.  I couldn't sing your praises loud enough or long enough.   Please know how important you are to all of us and you will be dearly missed.

I'm sending you a giant healing bear hug.

My porch light is on and will remain on as long as I live.

Fondly,

Very Irish

xoxoxoxo

Thank God your X showed his true colors in such a short period!!!!  I was very worried he would sway your thinking and you would find yourself  in another BAD situation.

Initially I wrote a lengthy response to your question regarding allowing your X back into your lives and accepting a reconciliation with him.  Somehow the entire response got blown into cyberspace.

You need to practice listening to that voice inside of you that tries to warn you about issues and you sometimes ignore or second guess.  You X is an addict - whether he is using or not.  He knows how to manipulate to get what he wants - he knows how to push your buttons - and he also knows how fragile your feelings are because he knows what you want most and that is for Z to have an intact family.

Every time your X presents you with a new idea - you must automatically think SOS - he wants something from you, he needs you to do something for him - or he is in trouble and wants you to bail him out.  Do not ever entertain the thought you can believe or trust him.

I know you didn't ask for an opinion but I feel so strongly about this issue that  I took the opportunity to throw out a few ideas.  My biggest concern was your X would use the situation to his advantage.  Down the road if you had to go back to Court for any reason - he could tell the judge you allowed him back into your life so you couldn't have been too scared of him or too worried for Z.  I also don't trust what he said about his mother.  He is too willing for her to take the blame for abusing Z.  I have my doubts about your X on this subject.  I think he is so terribly messed up because of the way he was raised by his mother - he is not clear what is wrong or right.  I think because he was abused - he would have no concise abusing Z because that's all he knows.  Neither one of them should ever be around Z without supervision from a trained unbiased individual - absolutely no family...period!!!!  Why wasn't your X outraged at the fact his mother abused Z?  Why does he still interact with her if she is guilty of such a crime?  Is he really the abuser and he is putting all the blame on her to make himself look ok?  How can you believe anything he says?  What really is the truth?

The only way you could ever believe him about whether he is using or not would be for him to submit to a drug test right in front of you.  Otherwise...forget it.  When you talk with him you are actually talking to the drug...not your X.  Your X has been so abused himself it would take years in deep therapy to straighten him out.  The fact that he has constant input from his mother leads me to believe nothing has changed or will.

Anita..you are doing so well.  You are on the right path...you have given Z stability in his life.....you are on your way to making a real healthy life with him.....do not allow anyone or anything to harm that.  Allow yourself to heal....be gentle...very gentle....protect your little home.  You are very young and you have a golden opportunity to turn your life around.  You can throw away all dysfunctional behavior and replace them with healthy strong positive family patterns.  Be strong...stay on course.  We will support you all the way.  You deserve happiness and more importantly so does your son.

Sending you a basketful of support hugs.

I care...I really care a lot.

Very Irish

This is my first time responding to something like this, but I have to in this case.  To the woman who spoke of being abused:  PLEASE seek counseling and DO NOT think this is your fault.  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!  I was sick when I read "Bev's" comment......"we teach people how to treat us".  Domestic Violence is an illness that belongs to the ABUSER, and regardless of how much you love and respect yourself, you cannot change the abuser's illness.  What starts as someone elses illness, will most definately become your illness......in the form of stress, sickness, physical abuse, etc.  I KNOW......I was abused for 16 years and unfortunatey listened to people who weren't qualified.  I'M NOT qualified to help you either, other than to say seek profesional help.

God Bless You and Protect You through this difficult time......notice I wrote 'through'......YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS:)

WELL I KINDA AGREE WITH WITH BEV.  I HAVE BEEN ABUSED FOR 27 YRS AND IT HAS GOTTEN ALOT BETTER FOR ME B/C I LEARNED HOW TO RESPECT MYSELF. AND NOT LET ANY ONE DISRESPECT ME. THE PYSICAL ABUSE WAS FOR ABOUT 15 YRS AND WHEN MY CHILDREN GOT BIG ENOUGH TO PROTECT ME THAT STOPPED. HOWEVER THE MENTAL IS JUST AS BAD.  MY HUSBAND SAYS I HAVE CHANGED OVER THE LAST THREE OR FOUR YEARS. YESSSSS I HAVE GROWN UP! AND DEMANDED RESPECT. IT IS SO HARD TO LEAVE A SITIUATION,  WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN, BUT ON THE OTHERHAND IT HARMS THE CHILDREN.

I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD, BUT UNTIL YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF AND GET IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU DESERVE REPECT IM AFAID THING WILL STAY THE SAME WHETHER YOU ARE WITH YOUR CURRENT SPOUSE OR THE NEXT SPOUSE.

             I was abused mentally and physically for 7 years. My advice to you all is Lose the Looser  !! I know its easier said than done but abuse in any way is not love. I know you say "but I have kids" well so did I and to get them out of that enviroment was the best thing  for them.         God Bless you all.