Topic : Abuse

First I want to tell you that you don't need to explain ANYTHING to ANY of us here & to anyone else for that matter.  YOU know best.  We get into a BAD habit of always being on the defensive, questioning ourselves, explaining our motives, etc.  NOT NECESSARY.  I know it's a hard habit to break.  I still fall back into the "defensive" position a lot & feel the need to explain myself too.  I think it's related to the self-esteem/self-confidence thing where we don't feel as "entitled" to our opinion, our right to live our own lives without explanation, even the need for approval falls into play since we don't have the self-confidence to believe in ourselves as much as we should. 

Which brings me to your anxiety about whether or not you are doing the right thing for you & your kids.  You already know what the right thing is in your heart.  You are making the decisions, I'll bet, based on your instincts.  It's OK.  Your instincts are usually right.  We have been programmed to ignore them but they are still there & still right.  What happens if you make a mistake?  You make another decision to change things.  Simple.  One thing is for sure.  If you stay in an abusive relationship, you will FOR SURE be harming the children's well-being. 

It's hard in the beginning to make better choices.  Afterall, we don't trust ourselves very much.  You will eventually.  But trust has to be earned - even trust in yourself.  As you see your plans coming to fruition & things are going well, you will feel better about the choices you've made.  You are entering uncharted territory in your life.  OF COURSE you will be a little anxious.  That's normal.  Maybe you didn't always make the best decisions but you are doing just what I said - making new decisions for your life.  That takes strength & courage!!!  We have become "weakened" by our abusers. 

Did you ever break an ankle or an arm?  I broke my ankle some years back.  It was in a cast for only 5 or so weeks but I was AMAZED that when the cast came off - I couldn't bend my ankle!  It took practice & time to re-build the strength that the cast took away from my use of that ankle.  (It wasn't a bad break BTW)  It will take time for you to re-build the strength of your decision-making abilities & ability to make better choices that your abuser took away from you.  You are doing just fine!  You will have more trust in yourself, strength, & courage as things progress.  As you exercise your abilities, you will see that your self-confidence will grow & you'll be right as rain once again.  Actually, you'll be even better, stronger, & wiser!!! 

Healing from abuse is a journey - LIFE is a journey.  Take things as they come.  Take things one step at a time.  You'll get there & you'll be glad you took the detour!!!  That abuse monkey will be off your back forever!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<     

In your healing process, you may come to a point of anger.  Anger at your abuser, anger AT YOURSELF!

"HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID!  HOW COULD I HAVE WASTED SO MUCH OF MY LIFE!" 

I did.  Here is where you forgive.  Forgive your abuser - they are what they are.  Then most important is to forgive yourself.  You are human.  You made a wrong choice.  SO WHAT!  Aren't you making better choices now?  That's what's important.  Forget the past.  You can't change that.  You CAN change what happens to you from this point onward!  It may be hard not to dwell on the past & the misery you suffered.  Hey, it gives you something to do but it won't get you anywhere.  AND if you are constantly looking backward, how will you be able to see where you are going?! 

Take what you have left of your life & be thankful you are one of the blessed ones that have seen the truth & found your way to a better life.  Let the rest go.  Never forget the lessons you have learned but DO let go of the negativity.  It will only drag you down.  NO REGRETS!  There were lessons to be learned & you learned them well!  

Having gone through so much, you will have such a richer life & will appreciate all that much more all the good things life has in store for you!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

Thanks LS. When I was reading the Dr Phil articles, he says you're not ready for a divorce until you have nothing left and you feeling nothing. I kept thinking that it couldn't apply to someone in an abusive relationship, but now I understand that it does. Lightbulb moment.

~Good Grl

Good to hear it was not a bad break!.

You are right and life is a journey.

I have absolute fear at the moment such irrational fear You know what i have backpacked round the world before i met him i did this completely on my own i worked in foreign countries i met new people and made friends i managed all this on my own and i had to make my own choices I got back in one piece and a better person for that journey.

I used to run a very large hotel with 150 staff i was the Manager and boy i had to make choices all the time for the customers and the staff i didn't get the sack!

When i got married i took my two to another country and we settled there for a short while I had strength then too. We survived.

Where oh where did that woman go?  What has changed? I suppose having two children has obviously more aware and i have a need to protect. It creates insecurity....

He changed me and i have lost the woman i mentioned above.

When i got back to be with him from my last trip all those years ago he systematically eroded me away little by little and i feel a much lesser person....

He now threatens to make me and the children homeless threatens to stop all financial support (do they read a handbook or something?).

So now when he does that i go into sheer and utter panic inside...... That is where the woman has gone...

Your messages are giving me strength and i am able to get things into perspective Thank you so much.

I have always felt I've had to justify myself my whole life my parents expected me to my husband expects me to you know till you pointed this out to me i did not realize that is what i was doing and what i do.....I shall digest this because this has really opened my eyes... Thank you!!!! My goodness is that what i was doing  I have done this since i can remember of course that is going to change i am going to work on that big time!!!

Thank you for bringing me to my many light bulb moments!

Best Wishes

WB xx

Now this is weird I am angry with my H angry with what he has put me and my children through all these years now this is quite normal yes.

The totally irrational anger i have at the moment is that he should go off with someone else  You know i have no interest in him anymore my anger is "how dare he after what he has done to us!" Yep and "How dare he find happiness after all that". My rational part says "Yeah but will he be happy in another relationship? and now you know and understand you can be happy".

I know he will find someone else i know I'll be made out to be the bad guy but his torment will carry on and i have the power to stop it.

Does anyone else have these angry feelings of :"how dare he after what he has done to us!" & "How dare he find happiness after all that he has done

Best Wishes

WBxx".

OMG - you haven't LOST anything!  The person you once were is right there inside of you.  She's ALWAYS BEEN THERE - locked away in a dungeon of the deepest recesses of your soul!!!  It's time to open the door to freedom for her!  You ARE the strong person you once were.  Your self-esteem & self-confidence has been eroded from YEARS of abuse, control, criticism, name calling - YOU MENTION IT! 

YOU ARE GETTING IT NOW!!  Find her & set her free!  FEEL the strength you once had return to you!  I am SO glad you are seeing it all now. 

YES you are angry.  HOW DARE HE!  I should have added that line to the other post I wrote today about anger.  THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!  He had NO right to do to you or anyone what he did.  Feel the anger & move on.  After feeling angry with my X is when I got angry with myself for abandoning myself for so long. 

I made myself a promise that day to NEVER abandon myself again.  I remember that day perfectly.  I was so angry all day.  By the end of the day I forgave.  Forgave him (holding onto the hatred & resentments would only hurt ME so I knew I had to let that go - not for HIS sake but for MINE!!!).  Then I forgave myself.  I am human & not perfect.  I did what I knew how to do with what little information I had on abuse (which was NONE).  When I learned & knew better, I DID better & made better choices.  That is what counts.  Hanging on to old resentments & hatred would only scar the beautiful, peaceful future & wanted for myself so I let it all go.  Think about it.  Resentments & a hateful attitude don't go well with peace & serenity.  So I prefer to NEVER let negativity take hold of me.  I have been through enough - I refuse to surrender to being dragged down by negativity & my past. 

Now that you have learned so much, you will be able to recognize abuse if it comes up in your life again.  VERY important for you.  You know too much now to ever become a victim again. 

I am SO very proud of you!  It's a wonderful moment for me to be able to hear about another victim of abuse turning their lives around, learning how abuse isn't personal - it's just a game that we were victimized by & when you stop playing that game, it stops!!!  Sad but true.  Our abusers aren't capable of the deep love & respect that WE feel.  They will never know what a normal, functioning relationship is.  We truly are the lucky ones! 

You know, he probably will find someone else to be with.  Happiness?  I doubt it.  He will continue being "right" & everyone else will be wrong.  He will never get it.  My X is miserable & has another dysfunctional relationship with the girlfriend he cheated on me with.  He tells my kids that he is losing his mind & doesn't want to live anymore.  He lost everything but it's not HIS fault.  Oh no.  We would have been fine if I wasn't "so sensitive".  That's his excuse.  I don't care.  I am free & at peace & don't have to be yelled at for buying hot dog rolls,  called names, or being told how worthless I am!!!  He may not be a monster but he for certain is a lost soul - sad - but NOT MY PROBLEM.  WE CAN'T FIX THEM!  We can barely fix ourselves!  THEY have the same resources that we have.  WE have to find OUR way - & so do they.  If they don't - IT'S ON THEM.  Feel sorry for them if you must but don't ever let them control how you think about yourself again! 

Delete all the things he ever told you - ALL LIES - told only to make you easier to control.  It's hard to wipe that slate clean but you must.  Start over & write all new & wonderful things on that slate!  You are a wonderful, NORMAL, gentle, loving, strong, individual - you always were & still are!  You are blessed!!! God Bless - LS  >^.^<   

My sweetie just came home so I ran out of time.  I"ll catch up with you in the morning.  Glad you had another lightbulb moment - isnt' it great!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

It's all part of the process of healing. Re-read LS's post about blaming yourself. It's just as much your fault as it is his. He was right in his conversation with you about abuse-  only he was talking about abusive men and you were talking about "normal" men. Accepting the blame that you should have stopped it right from the get go is healing. Accept the fact that you didn't know any better because of your situation and background. A quote that I read somewhere says:

                                   I DID WHAT I KNEW HOW TO DO

                                   AND WHEN I KNEW BETTER,

                                   I DID BETTER!

There will come a point in which you will let go of your angry feelings and none of those things that you are making yourself sick about will even matter to you anymore. That's why Dr Phil says that you aren't ready for a divorce until you can walk out the door feeling nothing. Sorry if this offends you in any way, I'm just trying to help with what little I have learned.

~Good Grl

LS's post was not about blaming yourself -it was about  forgiveness. I don't want you to take it the wrong way. Sorry.

~Good Grl

I haven't posted in a while, but I read everybody messages very often. I can't tell much about me, because I think my H is checking my computer and I don't want him to realize I am posting, but I think some of you remember me. Just want to let you know that after my atempt to leave him, he is the sweetest husband and father...But this doesn't impress me, as it did in the past, when even the slightest change in better made me raise my hopes again. I am incapable of feeling anything for him again. My love for him and my hopes for a happy life with him are long gone. But what do you do when he is so nice and makes so great efforts to be good? And I feel sick when he touches me. What do you do? You wait for him to get tired of making these efforts?  Why is so hard to go ahead with the separation plans when he is so nice? This is not the person I lived for so long and that's why I am not confused anymore, as I would be in the past. I know what I want, but it feels harder then ever. Why?

God bless you all!

JS