Do not fool yourself into thinking that what is done to you will not affect your children. As adults my children are now forced to face their childhood and the unhealthy behavior exhibited by their father. It is not an easy road to travel but we are doing it – the three of us – together with the help of a wonderful psychologist.
For me it took being diagnosed with cancer to find the courage to plan. I decided if I survived cancer I could survive divorce. I saved loose change, I got a job which provided me with excellent health insurance even though the pay was not great, and I opened my own checking account. I subtly moved money from his account to my own (a few dollars at a time). If he gave me $100.00 for groceries I spent only $80 and deposited the other $20.00 into my account. If he left his wallet on the dresser when he went to shower I would ease out $5.00 and deposit it into my account. I took a second job on weekends. All of my money from my jobs went into my account. Did he object when he discovered what I was doing? YES! However, I did direct deposit and there was not one thing he could do about it. I would tell him that one day he might be glad that I had saved all that money. He was so into himself that he actually believed that he would one day be able to get his hands on the money in my checking account. In a year’s time I was able to save over $3,000! I found a therapist who helped me build my self esteem and helped me to see just how intelligent and valuable I really am. There are GOOD, caring therapists out there who care. The one I found let me pay what I could afford; sometimes he waved the fee all-together. I signed up for free classes offered to displaced homemakers.
The day I packed my abuser’s bags and threw them onto the porch was the most empowering day of my life. I had the locks replaced with heavy-duty digital pad locks. I promised him that I would tell all of his dirty secrets if he did not let me alone. (Did I mention he was a church officer and well respected in the community?) I found my backbone and I decided there was nothing he could do to me that would be worse than what I had already endured. I had stayed for 26 years for reasons which had NOTHING to do with love; I left him for one reason – a love of myself!
I have never regretted divorcing him. At times it has been hard financially to keep my head above water. Sometimes I have to decide if I am going to buy toothpaste or toilet tissue; if I have enough money to pay both the electric bill and the gas bill; and I do not indulge in activities such as going to the movies, taking vacations, or eating in fancy restaurants.
I do own my home and it is truly a home – a place where I feel safe and free to be myself. All who enter comment on how I have tucked love into every nook and cranny. I bought a car and this year will have it paid off. I pinch pennies every where I can and absolutely delight in the small things in life such as gardening, spending time with friends, good books, and time with my two children. I have a wonderful man in my life; he loves me and takes great delight in telling me how special I am. He loves me for who I am. Most importantly, I have myself. My children and I will heal from all of the abuse. I firmly believe what God brings you to, He will bring you through.
PLEASE do not feel the only option you have is to stay in the abuse. There are many avenues to take to get out. Make a plan. Do what you can to bring that plan into action. Do what you have to do quietly and efficiently. The sense of empowerment you will receive as you engage in your plan will renew your energy and your resolve to find a better life.
DO NOT confront your abuser. Confrontation is wasted energy. They won’t “get it”. You will only hear more of the same mindless banter you have heard in the past and perhaps even invoke anger and physical abuse.
I know you do not believe you are capable of making it on your own. That is because you have been conditioned to believe that fallacy. I am here to tell you that YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN. I am not going to lie and tell you it is always easy. Is the life you are leading now easy?
My ex told me I would not make it 3 months without him. It has been almost 6 years and I am making it. I may not be monetarily rich but I am rich in all the ways that count. I am truly blessed and I will spend the remaining days of my life trying to be the best me I can be. Never again will I allow anyone to steal my life from me.
I am wishing you both courage, tenacity, and a discovery of “self”; qualities which will drive you to reach for all you deserve from life. Most of all I wish for you both to know the feeling of security and love. There is nothing else in this world that can take the place of finally “coming home”.
Sincerely and prayerfully yours,
“One who flew with a broken wing”
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October 7, 2005, 3:33 pm PDT
Dear Kathy and Elaine
