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Topic : 09/13 Man Stealers

Number of Replies: 233
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 01:45:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests feel like another woman is moving in on their men. Amber thought Angie was her best friend, until she noticed her husband, Dennis's, daily phone conversations with her and their unusually close friendship. Dennis claims their relationship is strictly platonic, but Angie's boyfriend, Nick, is also doubtful ... especially after catching them sleeping in the same bed. Then, Michelle says she had no idea her life would become so complicated after Kevin left his girlfriend, Joan, to be with her. Is Joan trying to win Kevin back, or are the ex-lovers really just friends? Share your thoughts here.

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September 11, 2006, 6:39 am CDT

Curious...

Well, this should be very interesting.  As far as I'm concerned, if the relationship is just platonic, the spouses/partners wouldn't get bad vibes about the friendship.  Granted people get jealous when they don't understand something, but then again I'm sure there are signs that these people claiming their friendship is just platonic are just simply ignoring. 

Now I can't find the post, but I saw one where the woman had a truly platonic relationship with a HS friend.  Even the families, including the in-laws, embraced their friendship.  That's when you know there's nothing going on.  When people question it, it's for a reason.  And as far as sleeping in the same bed with a friend of the opposite sex - come on!!!!!   Even if it's a platonic relationship, you won't be doing that IMHO. 

As far as man stealers are concerned, believe me - trust your instincts.  I just recently had a situation where they were supposedly just sending friendly messages, but my instinct proved to be right.  As it turned out, this particular woman likes to fool around with married men (yup, she's got a boyfriend) because there are no strings attached and most likely also for the thrill.  Want her info, Dr. Phil?  I think she's a prime case for ya!   =)

 
September 11, 2006, 6:40 am CDT

Man Stealers

Quote From: ledda5

I have endured a man stealer in my life. Sure it started out as a friendship, then grew into something more. The women take time and emotional support from your spouse. Before you

know what hits you she knows more about your relationship than you do. Giving her more insight

than you have. I say if you are feeling left out, then too much time and emotions are being given to the friendship instead of the marriage. It is common knowledge you marry your best friend.

Sure there are some exceptions, but both need to know where the limits are.

 

Absolutely right.

 

I would strongly suggest to any married woman who has another woman hanging around their family, to either put a stop to it, or have a conversation that states what the boundaries are!

I wanted to be the "cool" wife, who could handle the female friends and occassional contact with exes, but believe me, if I had it to do over, I would have chased that "church-going" little hussy all the way home to her "preacher" father's house!

 

Women who think they can be friends with married men are only setting themselves up. Either to be used themselves,  or to ruin someone else's marriage and perhaps a whole family.

 

My husband and I have been separated for 2 years, mailnly because of his "friendship" with another woman. We have two children. If she were really "just a friend," he would have been able to give her up, and not let our family be divided because of her.

 

By the way, I am not a head-case, and I am not an ugly woman. He just needs the attention that other women give him, and I need peace.

 

 

 
September 11, 2006, 7:51 am CDT

Walking on Thin Ice

Quote From: wow_nati

Well, this should be very interesting.  As far as I'm concerned, if the relationship is just platonic, the spouses/partners wouldn't get bad vibes about the friendship.  Granted people get jealous when they don't understand something, but then again I'm sure there are signs that these people claiming their friendship is just platonic are just simply ignoring. 

Now I can't find the post, but I saw one where the woman had a truly platonic relationship with a HS friend.  Even the families, including the in-laws, embraced their friendship.  That's when you know there's nothing going on.  When people question it, it's for a reason.  And as far as sleeping in the same bed with a friend of the opposite sex - come on!!!!!   Even if it's a platonic relationship, you won't be doing that IMHO. 

As far as man stealers are concerned, believe me - trust your instincts.  I just recently had a situation where they were supposedly just sending friendly messages, but my instinct proved to be right.  As it turned out, this particular woman likes to fool around with married men (yup, she's got a boyfriend) because there are no strings attached and most likely also for the thrill.  Want her info, Dr. Phil?  I think she's a prime case for ya!   =)

Believe you, me! Talk to your husband , read the book,"Affair Proofing Your Marriage!"  and confront the girl tell her to back off, she is emotionally stealing your husband from the kids, the homelife you and he have created together and they will if they aren't already start to run you down and think they are meant to be and destined to be in love.  I know!  The best way to deter this is to be around them both at all times and never leave them alone,  or insist that you and your husband sever this friendship-  she is not your best friend or his because best friends do no treat each other unkind and steal husbands!  BEWARE!
 
September 11, 2006, 7:55 am CDT

Walking that line

Oh the tangled web we weave----this girl that is supposed to be your best friend is not in any way acting the way a friend should act- and it sounds to me that they are already having an affair if not physical it is emotional.  She is taking your man, girlfriend and he will let her.  You need to read "Affair Proofing Your Marriage" but first you need to talk to your husband and insist that they never be alone together or better yet- get rid of her-tell her to back off, this is your life not hers and she can't have it!  The time and energy she is taking from your home life is financially devasting, he is not working if he's on the phone with her, devastating to your children, he is not focused on them or you-  Communicate NOW!
 
September 11, 2006, 8:01 am CDT

Forgive Yourself

Quote From: bbjl79

i am talking from "the other woman's" perspective.  i didn't even think rob and i could be any more than friends.  not only was he married, but he wasn't my type, he was religious, more religious than i and talked about his family often.  it became a "coincidence" seeing each other at public places.  i didn't think nothing of it except that we enjoyed similar things.  i was invited by his wife out to to the house for a cookout and offered to babysit their three children.  pretty soon we had playful bets going and found kindred spirits that we were born practically on the same day, 10 years apart.  if i heard he was having an especially terrible day at his job, i would stop over with a banana split and encourage him a bit.  it wasn't until i heard that my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, was getting married that i fell to pieces.  rob could relate with feelings of emptiness and loneliness.  he felt disconnected in his family.  i thought it was so special at the time that we fell into each other's arms for support.  but the hugs lingered and soon turned into kisses.  less than a week later, i lost my virginity to him.  i still viewed him as only a friend, but the months rolled on and i was sleeping with him all the time. growing up in a strong religious family i knew my thinking wasn't correct.  i began to go into a downward spiral and soon i found myself with his wife, trying to apologize profusely and figure out a game plan to move forward from this.  four years later i still struggle and am frustrated with myself for allowing myself to give him all my emotional love.  he is upset with himself as well, trying to build what's left of his marriage and just coinciding with his wife for the children.  he lost a lot of money on the deal, his religion, his self worth and a caring wife. our friendship is strained and is tempered with my jealousy because he is able to move on and i am not.  i have been agonizing and suicidal over this issue because we both believe at another time and in another place, we would have been a perfect match for one another.

 

so, if you begin to have feelings for a friend of yours, look at the situation and evaluate if it's really worth the gamble of your self worth and the hurting of others.

Okay, so you know you messed up- get on with it-  everyone makes mistakes but hopefully you learn from them.  Don't ever give up on yourself as a human being.  Let him go because it will never work, he looks at you as the reason for all his unhappiness.  It wasn't meant to be.You are not a perfect match. No such thing.  He probally feels like he's stuck with you because he screwed up and doesn't have the nerve or gumption to just admit it.  He still loves his kids and first wife and don't ever forget it.  Be a real woman and let him go do what he needs to do and you need to admit that to yourself.  This is your chance to get on with your life and learn something don't miss the opportunity.
 
September 11, 2006, 8:33 am CDT

What Comes Around...

Quote From: skppr1

If there is anyone who knows about this from both sides, it is me.  I have both become too close to a male, married coworker and ultimately resulted in marriage and 3 children with him.  Now, like poetic justice, after 17 years of marriage, he has done the same to me.  He began an affair with a coworker 20 years his junior, and although professed he had ceased seeing her, portrayed himself as the perfect, loving husband, was forgiven and regained my trust TWICE (there were two discoveries), and had counseling, he continued to lie and decieve me.  He finally walked out a year ago.  The night before we left, I went to sleep with his arms around me, with "I love you." the last words I heard before going to sleep.  The next morning he made his confession of still "being in love" with his mistress, that he had been lying about loving me, and told me he wanted a divorce.  We found out 4 days ago that he and his mistress had a baby one month ago, and he was trying to keep it a secret until our divorce was final.  It is still not final.  I am fighting major clinical depression, recurring nightmares, anxiety attacks, and the injustice of the Texas Family Law Codes.  Because I naively signed a premarital property agreement under false pretenses, I have not claim to any assets--NONE.  I worked part-time as a nurse for my husband, but was not paid.  We had 3 children during the first 5 years of our marriage. We decieded I would primarily be caretaker for our children.  I poured the last 17 years of my life into our marriage and family, but this earned me no tangible assets, so I am at the mercy of what he will give me above court ordered amounts. This is way below the 300,000.00 per year we lived on.  I hope I can help someone else avoid my plight that all began with becoming good friends, with a married man and  became too close.  There is a very, very good book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.  I recommend this book to every person before marriage if possible, but EVERYONE should read this book about the real facts of friendships, the risks, and the boundaries that must be respected to protect the marital union. 

It is so true. If he did it once, now he knows how to do it better.

 

 
September 11, 2006, 8:47 am CDT

09/13 Man Stealers

Quote From: skppr1

If there is anyone who knows about this from both sides, it is me.  I have both become too close to a male, married coworker and ultimately resulted in marriage and 3 children with him.  Now, like poetic justice, after 17 years of marriage, he has done the same to me.  He began an affair with a coworker 20 years his junior, and although professed he had ceased seeing her, portrayed himself as the perfect, loving husband, was forgiven and regained my trust TWICE (there were two discoveries), and had counseling, he continued to lie and decieve me.  He finally walked out a year ago.  The night before we left, I went to sleep with his arms around me, with "I love you." the last words I heard before going to sleep.  The next morning he made his confession of still "being in love" with his mistress, that he had been lying about loving me, and told me he wanted a divorce.  We found out 4 days ago that he and his mistress had a baby one month ago, and he was trying to keep it a secret until our divorce was final.  It is still not final.  I am fighting major clinical depression, recurring nightmares, anxiety attacks, and the injustice of the Texas Family Law Codes.  Because I naively signed a premarital property agreement under false pretenses, I have not claim to any assets--NONE.  I worked part-time as a nurse for my husband, but was not paid.  We had 3 children during the first 5 years of our marriage. We decieded I would primarily be caretaker for our children.  I poured the last 17 years of my life into our marriage and family, but this earned me no tangible assets, so I am at the mercy of what he will give me above court ordered amounts. This is way below the 300,000.00 per year we lived on.  I hope I can help someone else avoid my plight that all began with becoming good friends, with a married man and  became too close.  There is a very, very good book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.  I recommend this book to every person before marriage if possible, but EVERYONE should read this book about the real facts of friendships, the risks, and the boundaries that must be respected to protect the marital union. 

That is an excellent book. My husband & I have been dealing some of the issues handled in the book & it's quite a help & eye opener.

 

 

 
September 11, 2006, 8:53 am CDT

and forgive what we did to others?

Quote From: wendymc

Okay, so you know you messed up- get on with it-  everyone makes mistakes but hopefully you learn from them.  Don't ever give up on yourself as a human being.  Let him go because it will never work, he looks at you as the reason for all his unhappiness.  It wasn't meant to be.You are not a perfect match. No such thing.  He probally feels like he's stuck with you because he screwed up and doesn't have the nerve or gumption to just admit it.  He still loves his kids and first wife and don't ever forget it.  Be a real woman and let him go do what he needs to do and you need to admit that to yourself.  This is your chance to get on with your life and learn something don't miss the opportunity.

thank you for your response.  i understand you loud and clear...i read your response a dozen times.  i am in agreement with the fact that i DO need to move on and get on with my life.  often i get trapped in thinking this is what i've deserve, like we are two terrible people that deserve each other.  his wife will never pursue a divorce, but when he's around her, she challenges the idea that he will be unfaithful again.  she will say to him that he will have to answer to a higher source about this and makes him feel like he will burn in hell for leaving the church and breaking the sacredness of their marriage.  i don't believe that.  yes, we will be judged for our actions but we won't be sent to "hell" for them.  a loving God wouldn't torchure us.  he created us imperfect!  so i guess what i am asking is:  how do i try to get myself to believe that i am worth more than this terrible mistake i have made and seek forgiveness from those i have upset?

 
September 11, 2006, 9:04 am CDT

keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

i have been the victim of an attempted man stealer.  a coworker of my husband, over two years ago, slowly wormed her way into our lives. my husband and i were at a low point in our marriage and she saw her opening. he needed someone to talk to  and instead of finding a male friend or therapist he sought solice in talking to her. she was in an unhappy marriage so they began to confide in eachother.  i have always been a non-jealous person and my husband and i have always had friends of the opposite sex.  so i didn't heed some common warning signs that things were wrong. i so steadfastedly believed in my husband's firm convictions against adultery that i did not think he would ever have an affair. he didn't believe he could ever do that, but he did. it started out with this woman being his confidante instead of me when we were having issues. and then when we were at our lowest point in our marriage it went to the point of no return and he slept with her. he told me 2 days later and it has been a catalyst in our marriage. and not for the bad, like most people would think.  we had some dark days trying to put our marriage back together and had to learn some hard truths about eachother. having someone like this woman in my home and acting like a friend and then her thinking that she could just move into my life...it can happen so fast and you don't know what has hit you. there are many women who want what you have ladies! my husband and i had the appearance to the outside world of a great marriage, wonderful home, great children, so this, to a woman who was unhappy in her own life looked very appealing! so when she saw that things were not good between us then she found her niche to move in for the kill so to speak. and my husband was very vulnerable at that point to an affair.he took total responsibility in his role and the mistakes he made. at that time i was in denial that things could possibly be that bad and to that point. so be careful with so called "platonic" relationships. we have learned many things in this process. we have learned that all marriages are vulnerable to affairs at different times and situations. also that if you are confiding in someone of the opposite sex with your problems ask yourself this question, "if your spouse were a fly on the wall would he/she approve of what was being said, would it hurt them?" if the answer is anything like a YES, then the relationship is inappropriate. another thing we learned is that it is normal for even happily married couples to get "crushes" on people or infatuations. discuss them and your feelings with your spouse when you feel that way. it takes the excitement and mystery out of it and you can also discuss what your needs are and give your spouse a chance to meet those needs and not someone else. we both did dr. phil's relationship rescue book and workbook and did actve work to heal and improve our marriage. needless to say they (he and the woman) don't talk to eachother anymore. that was effective immediately upon me finding out what happened. he told her he made a huge mistake, his marriage was now a number one priority, sorry if he led her on to the belief of something else, and it was to be totally professional contact only. period. (they still work together).she was not too happy to say the least. but my husband put a stop to it. if he had not we could not have moved forward of course. and she has complied to that agreement as well. she and her husband are still together too. but i thank dr phil sooo much for the relationship rescue book. i can say now even after all that has happened our marriage is better than it ever was! and it is good. it is possible. but be careful. people are vulnerable creatures who like to have their egos stroked, and man stealers are very real. trust your gut instincts and feelings. if it seems weird at all, it most likely is.
 
September 11, 2006, 9:10 am CDT

Fairy Tales

 my husband and i had the appearance to the outside world of a great marriage, wonderful home, great children, so this, to a woman who was unhappy in her own life looked very appealing! so when she saw that things were not good between us then she found her niche to move in for the kill so to speak. and my husband was very vulnerable at that point

 

 

Keeping up Outward Appearances is so often the wrong thing to do! If we would learn to ask for help instead of "pretending", perhaps we would have a lot less problems!

 

Oh, and I thought my life was so uncommon- look at how many of us can relate to this topic!

 
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