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Topic : 09/13 Man Stealers

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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 01:45:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests feel like another woman is moving in on their men. Amber thought Angie was her best friend, until she noticed her husband, Dennis's, daily phone conversations with her and their unusually close friendship. Dennis claims their relationship is strictly platonic, but Angie's boyfriend, Nick, is also doubtful ... especially after catching them sleeping in the same bed. Then, Michelle says she had no idea her life would become so complicated after Kevin left his girlfriend, Joan, to be with her. Is Joan trying to win Kevin back, or are the ex-lovers really just friends? Share your thoughts here.

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September 12, 2006, 11:13 am CDT

09/13 Man Stealers

Quote From: wendymc

Believe you, me! Talk to your husband , read the book,"Affair Proofing Your Marriage!"  and confront the girl tell her to back off, she is emotionally stealing your husband from the kids, the homelife you and he have created together and they will if they aren't already start to run you down and think they are meant to be and destined to be in love.  I know!  The best way to deter this is to be around them both at all times and never leave them alone,  or insist that you and your husband sever this friendship-  she is not your best friend or his because best friends do no treat each other unkind and steal husbands!  BEWARE!

But how do get her out of your life if she still thinks that it is OK.  My husband had an "emotional affair" (I don't think that any sex was involved) for 3 years.  I was really stupid when I found out about it and gave him another chance, but then it happened again.  And I confronted the other woman 9who was a friend of ours) and she doesn't think that they did anything wrong--but I found some very racy emails from each of them.  We have since moved to a different state, but I CONSTANTLY think about this and it affects our relationship.  My husband just says that I just need to forget about it and move on because he made the choice to stay with me, but it affects our intimacy and the way that I react to him.

 

HELP

 
September 12, 2006, 2:13 pm CDT

How do you get over it?

 I just recently found out that my husband went out on a guysnight out and one of his guy friends brought another girl (whom myhusband used to work with). This girl brought a female friend  (Iwill call her girl #2) of hers. Turned out not to be a guys night out.My husbands friend just said that so no wives would come....and sureenough none of us did. His wife showed up later....I could not cause ihad business to attend to early in the morning.
The next day I get a call from my husbands friends wife. She tells methere was some very things that had happened the night before with myhusband and Girl #2. When i confronted him...he lied and denied till Itold him I knew everything....he eventually told me there was lil bitsof kissing and flirting going on.....I felt my heart hit thefloor...hard. They never actually slept together, and everyone confirmsthis. If these people are suppose to be my friends also, why didn'tthey put a stop to it? The person who told me confirmed what had wenton. But it still hurts. He blames it on alcohol....He says he doesn'tthink when he drinks. So that is obviously been put to a stop.
I tried to confront girl #2 and she denied everything (she is marriedby the way, with a child). She gave me nothing but vile comments. Cometo find everyone is protecting the guilty. I am the victim here andfeel there is no one left to help me or to confide in. My husband and Iare taking steps to repair our marriage, but I am having a terriabletime getting over it. I am emotionally distraut and can't stop thinkingabout it. I don't want to keep beating him down for what he did, but Ican't help but feel so hurt. I have stopped talking about it to him and now keep to myself about it. He thinks we are starting over and we should keep the past in the past. It was almost 3 months ago and I still feel as if it was yesterday. Help please! How can I get over this and stop thinking about it?
 
September 12, 2006, 4:15 pm CDT

The truth is.....

Quote From: layla26

 I just recently found out that my husband went out on a guysnight out and one of his guy friends brought another girl (whom myhusband used to work with). This girl brought a female friend  (Iwill call her girl #2) of hers. Turned out not to be a guys night out.My husbands friend just said that so no wives would come....and sureenough none of us did. His wife showed up later....I could not cause ihad business to attend to early in the morning.
The next day I get a call from my husbands friends wife. She tells methere was some very things that had happened the night before with myhusband and Girl #2. When i confronted him...he lied and denied till Itold him I knew everything....he eventually told me there was lil bitsof kissing and flirting going on.....I felt my heart hit thefloor...hard. They never actually slept together, and everyone confirmsthis. If these people are suppose to be my friends also, why didn'tthey put a stop to it? The person who told me confirmed what had wenton. But it still hurts. He blames it on alcohol....He says he doesn'tthink when he drinks. So that is obviously been put to a stop.
I tried to confront girl #2 and she denied everything (she is marriedby the way, with a child). She gave me nothing but vile comments. Cometo find everyone is protecting the guilty. I am the victim here andfeel there is no one left to help me or to confide in. My husband and Iare taking steps to repair our marriage, but I am having a terriabletime getting over it. I am emotionally distraut and can't stop thinkingabout it. I don't want to keep beating him down for what he did, but Ican't help but feel so hurt. I have stopped talking about it to him and now keep to myself about it. He thinks we are starting over and we should keep the past in the past. It was almost 3 months ago and I still feel as if it was yesterday. Help please! How can I get over this and stop thinking about it?

You won't stop thinking about it until it is resolved in your mind. The only way to do this....is to talk about what your thinking about. You will want to attack her, then yourself...and him, you will try to use reason and logic. But the truth is, there is no real way to get rid of it until you have done all the steps of a loss. Yes, you have experienced a loss. A loss of trust (which he will have to earn back) and a loss of respect. A  fair amount of reality came crashing down on you that has no doubt left you with a ton of adrenalin, and if your like most...loss of sleep, and lack of appetite and  worry..... The fight or flight response is normal, and you "can" get through this. Hopefully "with" your husband, and then on your own. You will have to realize at some point he is not perfect, and forgive him. But, you will never be the same again. This is the loss I am talking about. The loss of self. He needs to realize that he created these feelings inside of you, and he "has" to step up to the plate, and be responsible. No matter what you say... or what your feeling, he needs to know what was going on in his head and yours and share it with each other. This is the only way he will understand himself and you, and help you understand him. In the end if you both work at this, you gain a stronger bond than before... and it won't hurt for him to know he has weaknesses. He may blame the alcohol, but that is a cop out. Sorry.... He has to own it. Face it, and work at getting your trust back. You, need to really grip the chair on this one, listen and ask questions. When your all done, have him find the defining moment where "it went wrong" and why (is he getting older and needing attention?) He got a kick out of the attention for some reason. He needs to understand himself so he won't go there again. 

So, the answer is. You won't stop thinking about it until you fully understand what he was feeling, and why. Your trying to understand during this phase was it your fault, doesn't he love you? desire only you? Is his word any good, and why didn't he see his/your ring on his hand? Your probably thinking about the whole thing centering on "your existence" in his mind. Your place in his heart should have played a part in his mind. But, the truth is....out of sight out of mind, especially with alcohol and the approval of friends... yes, peer pressure. Right or wrong it exists in us adults. Your husband should be looking warily at them as well as his own self. And needs to make a choice of what kind of life he wants. And then make a firm stand within himself.

If you chose to honor the stance you both seem to have taken, and that is....you already talked, and you don't want to bring it up again....then it will take you a very long time to get over it on your own, and a fair amount understanding it "wasn't your fault" and you didn't deserve it on any level. When your husband realizes that it has changed you, he needs to help you change back....and it's going to take work, and honesty and disclosure... if he is made a part of the healing process he will be less likely to repeat history.

 

Hope this helped :)

 
September 12, 2006, 6:40 pm CDT

I can relate

Quote From: bbjl79

i am talking from "the other woman's" perspective.  i didn't even think rob and i could be any more than friends.  not only was he married, but he wasn't my type, he was religious, more religious than i and talked about his family often.  it became a "coincidence" seeing each other at public places.  i didn't think nothing of it except that we enjoyed similar things.  i was invited by his wife out to to the house for a cookout and offered to babysit their three children.  pretty soon we had playful bets going and found kindred spirits that we were born practically on the same day, 10 years apart.  if i heard he was having an especially terrible day at his job, i would stop over with a banana split and encourage him a bit.  it wasn't until i heard that my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, was getting married that i fell to pieces.  rob could relate with feelings of emptiness and loneliness.  he felt disconnected in his family.  i thought it was so special at the time that we fell into each other's arms for support.  but the hugs lingered and soon turned into kisses.  less than a week later, i lost my virginity to him.  i still viewed him as only a friend, but the months rolled on and i was sleeping with him all the time. growing up in a strong religious family i knew my thinking wasn't correct.  i began to go into a downward spiral and soon i found myself with his wife, trying to apologize profusely and figure out a game plan to move forward from this.  four years later i still struggle and am frustrated with myself for allowing myself to give him all my emotional love.  he is upset with himself as well, trying to build what's left of his marriage and just coinciding with his wife for the children.  he lost a lot of money on the deal, his religion, his self worth and a caring wife. our friendship is strained and is tempered with my jealousy because he is able to move on and i am not.  i have been agonizing and suicidal over this issue because we both believe at another time and in another place, we would have been a perfect match for one another.

 

so, if you begin to have feelings for a friend of yours, look at the situation and evaluate if it's really worth the gamble of your self worth and the hurting of others.

I can so relate to what you have written from your heart.  I have been in an affair with a married man as well.  It's been 6 years.  He started out to be my friend.  One day I asked him to have sex with me and that's where it all started.  He has supported me as well through the illnesses of my husband who I currently take care of.  I am like you struggling as well.  My friend and I have also said that in another time and place we'd be right for each other.  We took our bad marriages to another place (each other)  and that's not even close to being right.  Because of my faith in God I so have struggled with this.  The wrong in the whole thing.  I keep trying to end it all but I keep failing.  The love for him is so powerful that it keeps pulling me back.  I know that we do have a connection as others have saw it in us(they've said so).  But that doesn't make what we've done right.  Also what makes the whole thing hard is my husband knows about us and doesn't even care.  My advice to you is try your very hardest to move forward from what you've been through.  Do what ever it takes, counseling or anything positive to get through this.  Remember don't beat yourself up for this as we are human and we make mistakes.  There's enough people to beat us up that we don't need to do that to ourselves. 
 
September 12, 2006, 10:45 pm CDT

thank you

Quote From: suzangm

You won't stop thinking about it until it is resolved in your mind. The only way to do this....is to talk about what your thinking about. You will want to attack her, then yourself...and him, you will try to use reason and logic. But the truth is, there is no real way to get rid of it until you have done all the steps of a loss. Yes, you have experienced a loss. A loss of trust (which he will have to earn back) and a loss of respect. A  fair amount of reality came crashing down on you that has no doubt left you with a ton of adrenalin, and if your like most...loss of sleep, and lack of appetite and  worry..... The fight or flight response is normal, and you "can" get through this. Hopefully "with" your husband, and then on your own. You will have to realize at some point he is not perfect, and forgive him. But, you will never be the same again. This is the loss I am talking about. The loss of self. He needs to realize that he created these feelings inside of you, and he "has" to step up to the plate, and be responsible. No matter what you say... or what your feeling, he needs to know what was going on in his head and yours and share it with each other. This is the only way he will understand himself and you, and help you understand him. In the end if you both work at this, you gain a stronger bond than before... and it won't hurt for him to know he has weaknesses. He may blame the alcohol, but that is a cop out. Sorry.... He has to own it. Face it, and work at getting your trust back. You, need to really grip the chair on this one, listen and ask questions. When your all done, have him find the defining moment where "it went wrong" and why (is he getting older and needing attention?) He got a kick out of the attention for some reason. He needs to understand himself so he won't go there again. 

So, the answer is. You won't stop thinking about it until you fully understand what he was feeling, and why. Your trying to understand during this phase was it your fault, doesn't he love you? desire only you? Is his word any good, and why didn't he see his/your ring on his hand? Your probably thinking about the whole thing centering on "your existence" in his mind. Your place in his heart should have played a part in his mind. But, the truth is....out of sight out of mind, especially with alcohol and the approval of friends... yes, peer pressure. Right or wrong it exists in us adults. Your husband should be looking warily at them as well as his own self. And needs to make a choice of what kind of life he wants. And then make a firm stand within himself.

If you chose to honor the stance you both seem to have taken, and that is....you already talked, and you don't want to bring it up again....then it will take you a very long time to get over it on your own, and a fair amount understanding it "wasn't your fault" and you didn't deserve it on any level. When your husband realizes that it has changed you, he needs to help you change back....and it's going to take work, and honesty and disclosure... if he is made a part of the healing process he will be less likely to repeat history.

 

Hope this helped :)

 Thank you for your advice...it does help. Because here, there is no one to talk to. I had to write all my friends off because they were keeping this secret from me and friends don't do that. So thank you for telling me what I needed to hear.
To answer some of your questions....it isn'tthat he is getting older, we are still considered young (he is 25 and I am 26). I think it is the fact he is getting better and better looking as he gets older. He works out alot and that goes to his apperance and draws womens eyes...Most of the time he ignores it, but this one time he didn't for some reason. I am actually a very attractive person and don't know why he would pick someone less attractive (seriously she is....I don't have a big head.). Our relationship in the bed room and out of the bed room was perfect. He says it wasn't me. But you can't help to think it is. His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood? Maybe peer pressure....His friend isn't exactly faithful to his wife. Trust me I have put a stop to that friendship. I, at this point, am just trying to narrow down the reasons and problems. We talk alot, but he never actually has given me a better reason other than it was the alcohol. So none of that anymore either. Maybe I will never know the reason.....but I am going to make this work. And he is more willing than I am. Hopefully that is a good start. I am going to have to work it out with myself and come to reasoning with myself that if I want this to work....I will deal with it and move on. But move on smarter and more alert to what can happen....and do everything in my power to try to prevent it. Here's to moving on......
 
September 12, 2006, 11:39 pm CDT

WHEN IT COMES TO MAN STEALERS, THE MAN IS TO BLAME

First off, a man cannot be "stolen", or tempted, if they decide to not give into temptation.  If a man makes the concious effort to pursue another woman, it isn't by accident.  I don't believe in attacking the female's character, and threatening the female, and wanting to get physical with the female, because the low-down, pathetic so-called "Man" doesn't accidently fall into bed with another female, or accidently pursue another female.  I know, up-close and personal, the anguish, rage, and determination to have to battle with your mate, and the "Man Stealer".  I know violence is never the solution, but, when the fifth-month into my so-called "Marriage", and on my 42nd Birthday, December 2, 2005, my husband had an affair, nevertheless, a threesome.  He left our home without my knowledge, ignored my phone calls, took the two females to dinner at a restaurant we frequent with my daughter, gave the females money, drove them in our vehicle,  took them to a hotel for the night, charged the room with his credit card, spoke negative of me to the females, showed them our first new home we were getting ready to purchase, allowed the females to try to manipulate him, and seduce him, so he could divorce me, and move them into our new home. 
 
September 13, 2006, 2:01 am CDT

Inside my Heart

 Dissapointed tht this week's shows were not on in our area...Any reason why they were changed?
 
September 13, 2006, 2:32 am CDT

Cheers!

Quote From: layla26

 Thank you for your advice...it does help. Because here, there is no one to talk to. I had to write all my friends off because they were keeping this secret from me and friends don't do that. So thank you for telling me what I needed to hear.
To answer some of your questions....it isn'tthat he is getting older, we are still considered young (he is 25 and I am 26). I think it is the fact he is getting better and better looking as he gets older. He works out alot and that goes to his apperance and draws womens eyes...Most of the time he ignores it, but this one time he didn't for some reason. I am actually a very attractive person and don't know why he would pick someone less attractive (seriously she is....I don't have a big head.). Our relationship in the bed room and out of the bed room was perfect. He says it wasn't me. But you can't help to think it is. His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood? Maybe peer pressure....His friend isn't exactly faithful to his wife. Trust me I have put a stop to that friendship. I, at this point, am just trying to narrow down the reasons and problems. We talk alot, but he never actually has given me a better reason other than it was the alcohol. So none of that anymore either. Maybe I will never know the reason.....but I am going to make this work. And he is more willing than I am. Hopefully that is a good start. I am going to have to work it out with myself and come to reasoning with myself that if I want this to work....I will deal with it and move on. But move on smarter and more alert to what can happen....and do everything in my power to try to prevent it. Here's to moving on......

His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood?

 

"You have hit the nail right on the head"

 

Absolutely.....learned behavior. You may point this out to your husband and hopefully a  light will go on in his head. Once he See's the connection he can make it a point to not repeat ingrained actions he learned from his father.

You sound like you got it going on and are moving in the right direction. I would like to have read that "he" is going to do everything in "his" power to prevent it from happening again. This has certainly woke you up, he needs to be awake to it too.

 

Cheers to moving on!

 
September 13, 2006, 6:43 am CDT

Man Stealers

I think women who try and steal someone else's man don't respect themself's or the people involved.  Man stealers only want something they can't have.  For all the man stealers out there grow up get a life and go find your own man. 
 
September 13, 2006, 7:07 am CDT

My husband tried to pull the same stunt!

I found out about 6 months ago that my husband asked my best friend to have sex with him on the internet. I was mortified when I found out. He shared very private things with her about our marriage and sex life. This girl is one of those girls that spread rumors and talk crap about people behind their backs. I totally relate with the women on the show. Of course my husband told me that he was just doing it to get a rise out of her and to see how far she would go. I also feel like I have been betrayed by my best friend because she didn't come to me and tell me that he was doing these things. All I can say, is that she is NOT a friend and she was obviously enjoying it! She has lived under my roof with her two kids when she didn't have anywhere else to go! I find it hard to believe that my husband didn't get up in the middle of the night and have his way with her. That is what I still to this day can't get past. She does not value relationships, she has had 3 abortions in the last 2 years. All of them from different men. I am sickened by her. She ran out of men to fool around with, so she tried to move in on mine. I will say though, that my husband started the conversation and let it escalate to that point. Does anyone have any advice for me? What should I do in this situation? Lets just say that I am no longer friends with this "friend". If I saw her, I would probably let out ALOT of frustration on her. Can someone tell me how to let this go? I am pregnant and I don't really need all of this stress. But I am always thinking about this! 
 
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