Topic : 09/13 Man Stealers

i am talking from "the other woman's" perspective.  i didn't even think rob and i could be any more than friends.  not only was he married, but he wasn't my type, he was religious, more religious than i and talked about his family often.  it became a "coincidence" seeing each other at public places.  i didn't think nothing of it except that we enjoyed similar things.  i was invited by his wife out to to the house for a cookout and offered to babysit their three children.  pretty soon we had playful bets going and found kindred spirits that we were born practically on the same day, 10 years apart.  if i heard he was having an especially terrible day at his job, i would stop over with a banana split and encourage him a bit.  it wasn't until i heard that my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, was getting married that i fell to pieces.  rob could relate with feelings of emptiness and loneliness.  he felt disconnected in his family.  i thought it was so special at the time that we fell into each other's arms for support.  but the hugs lingered and soon turned into kisses.  less than a week later, i lost my virginity to him.  i still viewed him as only a friend, but the months rolled on and i was sleeping with him all the time. growing up in a strong religious family i knew my thinking wasn't correct.  i began to go into a downward spiral and soon i found myself with his wife, trying to apologize profusely and figure out a game plan to move forward from this.  four years later i still struggle and am frustrated with myself for allowing myself to give him all my emotional love.  he is upset with himself as well, trying to build what's left of his marriage and just coinciding with his wife for the children.  he lost a lot of money on the deal, his religion, his self worth and a caring wife. our friendship is strained and is tempered with my jealousy because he is able to move on and i am not.  i have been agonizing and suicidal over this issue because we both believe at another time and in another place, we would have been a perfect match for one another.

so, if you begin to have feelings for a friend of yours, look at the situation and evaluate if it's really worth the gamble of your self worth and the hurting of others.

You won't stop thinking about it until it is resolved in your mind. The only way to do this....is to talk about what your thinking about. You will want to attack her, then yourself...and him, you will try to use reason and logic. But the truth is, there is no real way to get rid of it until you have done all the steps of a loss. Yes, you have experienced a loss. A loss of trust (which he will have to earn back) and a loss of respect. A  fair amount of reality came crashing down on you that has no doubt left you with a ton of adrenalin, and if your like most...loss of sleep, and lack of appetite and  worry..... The fight or flight response is normal, and you "can" get through this. Hopefully "with" your husband, and then on your own. You will have to realize at some point he is not perfect, and forgive him. But, you will never be the same again. This is the loss I am talking about. The loss of self. He needs to realize that he created these feelings inside of you, and he "has" to step up to the plate, and be responsible. No matter what you say... or what your feeling, he needs to know what was going on in his head and yours and share it with each other. This is the only way he will understand himself and you, and help you understand him. In the end if you both work at this, you gain a stronger bond than before... and it won't hurt for him to know he has weaknesses. He may blame the alcohol, but that is a cop out. Sorry.... He has to own it. Face it, and work at getting your trust back. You, need to really grip the chair on this one, listen and ask questions. When your all done, have him find the defining moment where "it went wrong" and why (is he getting older and needing attention?) He got a kick out of the attention for some reason. He needs to understand himself so he won't go there again. 

So, the answer is. You won't stop thinking about it until you fully understand what he was feeling, and why. Your trying to understand during this phase was it your fault, doesn't he love you? desire only you? Is his word any good, and why didn't he see his/your ring on his hand? Your probably thinking about the whole thing centering on "your existence" in his mind. Your place in his heart should have played a part in his mind. But, the truth is....out of sight out of mind, especially with alcohol and the approval of friends... yes, peer pressure. Right or wrong it exists in us adults. Your husband should be looking warily at them as well as his own self. And needs to make a choice of what kind of life he wants. And then make a firm stand within himself.

If you chose to honor the stance you both seem to have taken, and that is....you already talked, and you don't want to bring it up again....then it will take you a very long time to get over it on your own, and a fair amount understanding it "wasn't your fault" and you didn't deserve it on any level. When your husband realizes that it has changed you, he needs to help you change back....and it's going to take work, and honesty and disclosure... if he is made a part of the healing process he will be less likely to repeat history.

Hope this helped :)