Topic : 09/13 Man Stealers

Amber please show this jerk the door and very quickly!  He was awful on the show.  Please don't let your children grow up seeing that this is an ok way for a man to treat a woman.  Your children deserve better than this.  I know it's scary and hard to move forward, but you can do it.

  To answer your question a few post's back.   Some say an excuse is a reason wrapped in a lie....(Sounds good to me :)    However, I will put the definitions from the dictionary as I agree with them., The difference between a reason, and an excuse, (Posted this once the other day and it didn't go, will try again.)   Juleeee...You would have to give me a scenario to determine if a person is using a reason or an excuse. If you want to provide one, I will give my opinion.          
reason n. 1. The basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction. See Usage Notes at because, why. 2. A declaration made to explain or justify action, decision, or conviction: inquired about her reason for leaving. 3. An underlying fact or cause that provides logical sense for a premise or occurrence: There is reason to believe that the accused did not commit this crime. 4. The capacity for logical, rational, and analytic thought; intelligence. 5. Good judgment; sound sense. 6. A normal mental state; sanity: He has lost his reason. 7. Logic A premise, usually the minor premise, of an argument. v. reasoned, reasoning, reasons v.intr. 1. To use the faculty of reason; think logically. 2. To talk or argue logically and persuasively. 3. Obsolete To engage in conversation or discussion. v.tr. 1. To determine or conclude by logical thinking: reasoned out a solution to the problem. 2. To persuade or dissuade (someone) with reasons. Idioms: by reason of Because of. in reason With good sense or justification; reasonably. within reason Within the bounds of good sense or practicality. with reason With good cause; justifiably.   excuse tr.v. excused, excusing, excuses 1. a. To explain (a fault or an offense) in the hope of being forgiven or understood: He arrived late and excused his tardiness in a flimsy manner. b. To apologize for (oneself) for an act that could cause offense: She excused herself for being late. 2. a. To grant pardon to; forgive: We quickly excused the latecomer. b. To make allowance for; overlook: Readers must excuse the author's youth and inexperience. See Synonyms at forgive. 3. To serve as justification for: Brilliance does not excuse bad manners. 4. To free, as from an obligation or duty; exempt: In my state, physicians and lawyers are excused from jury duty. 5. To give permission to leave; release: The child ate quickly and asked to be excused. n. (k-skys) 1. An explanation offered to justify or obtain forgiveness. 2. A reason or grounds for excusing: Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law. 3. The act of excusing. 4. A note explaining an absence. 5. Informal An inferior example: a poor excuse for a poet; a sorry excuse for a car. Idiom: Excuse me 1. Used to acknowledge and ask forgiveness for an action that could cause offense. 2. Used to request that a statement be repeated.

1.  People who have been in a marraige a long time.......greater than 10 years or more than one child........have frustrations.........we all know that.  Did it ever occur to any of you that we need to vent our frustrations on a sympathetic ear?  Now, that is NOT always being unfaithful.........HOWEVER!!! The one being vented to sometimes (most the time) does not see this for what it really IS and jumps off the deep end feeling "OMG, this person has an interest in me......is confiding their innermost to me......that must mean they LOVE me.......love me more than their spouse..........etc, etc, and so forth"  And the next thing you know the original one who just wanted to air some marital frustrations is sucked into something they (probably neither of them) wanted BECAUSE they are now in a feel good place with someone who is MORE sympathetic than their spouse.  MEANWHILE, back at the farm, the spouse is most likely in the same state of mind....frustrated with failed life goals, too many responsibilities, etc, etc, and usually living a much more complicated life than they ever anticipated.  Both partners often will feel isolated because there is so much turmoil going on in their lives, they always need someone to lay blame on for all their disappointments, and the spouse is the obvious scapegoat (I CAN BLEAT WITH THE BEST OF 'EM!!)  So, again, what starts out as maybe some innocent grinding of teeth, venting of frustrations, disappointments, just needing an ear to bend, sometimes ends up in much more than anyone ever bargained for.  And then they don't KNOW how they got from point A to point B with a whole bunch of people hurt along the way, including the kids.   I know this full well......I have studied this up close!  The one HE bent the ear of was MY BEST FRIEND! 

 

AND........

2.  I truly have come to believe (but not in the case of my X-husband) that you can love, truly LOVE more than one person at a time.  HOWEVER, I don't think you can BE IN LOVE with more than one person at a time.  Not REAL love.......infatuation maybe, but not real love.  But you can love more than one person in different ways at the same time.  Many marraiges turn into platonic relationships after many years where the spouse takes on the "friend, confidant, pal" role and the individual needs more than that.  The individual still LOVES, on some level, the spouse...would never hurt them......hence the affair that no one will EVER find out about (HA! HA!).  Intentions are always good, or at least innocent, but it is funny how life has a way of making us fess up to the truth.  Unfortunately many people don't even have a clue as to what the truth IS, or how they ended up in the situation they all found themselves.  The counselling industry was born to unravel all these things.  I know this to be true too.  From experience on BOTH sides of this coin. 

Actually, as I read this over before hitting "Post", I have come to a conclusion.  I think Bead Lady is the "Dennis" in her relationship, and just like Dennis, sees things from their self-absorbed point of view. I have no idea how you could misread anything that happened on that show.  He was extremely arrogant and into himself,  and he had complete and utter disregard for Amber.  He as much as said so....he said he didn't care about her.  His utter disrespect for her should be enough to prove to her that HE is not worth keeping.  He is a USER, ABuser, and not worth any emotional investment from any woman who has an ounce of self-respect.  Amber MUST reclaim her life or this guy will bury her.  AMBER, YOU ARE NOT HIS MAID, CLEANING LADY, CHEF, ERRAND BOY, BOOKKEEPER, OR GENERAL SLAVE!  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HIS LIFEMATE!!  I know it is hard.........been there done that like lots of others on this board........but she must gather up the courage, share yhe intentions with a few who do love her (parents, kids, siblings, good friends) so that they can be prepared to help in all sorts of ways from housing to financial to just support and encouragement.  It is scary, but she MUST do it to be back in life again.  It is amazing how, once you have embraced letting go of this abusive lifestyle, how absolutely free and empowered you feel.  Like the whole world lifted off your shoulders.  And you have no idea how many people will be there to support you since others DO see this jerk for what he is.  You are the only one who does not see it because you cannot admit to yourself that you have failed in your choice of mate.  DO IT!  It is not a shameful thing to admit we chose poorly, and it will help in making better selections in the future.  But Amber has to lay claim to the rest of her life. 

I don't know if she is a prayerful person, but this whole ordeal MADE me a prayerful person, and it helped a whole lot.  That, and the good friends who were ready to jump in, including my sister-in-law, his sister, who when I called her to tell her I was leaving him said "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG??"  Others know, they can see it.  YOU have to make the committment to yourself and your life.  Get rid of Dennis.  He will never change and I have NO IDEA what show that woman was watching.........surely it was not the same show the rest of us saw.  I am FAR from a religious individual, but I will pray for Amber......and I could not have said that 5 years ago before I got rid of my jerk.

He couldn't even be polite in his disregard for Amber on the show.  It was like he was going out of his way to make sure the whole world knew he had no use for her, totally disrespected her.

This is NOT a way for anyone, man or woman, to behave towards their spouse, especially if they have children.  Children are little sponges who take in everything that goes on around them, and then when they are 19 or 25 or 36 it all comes back out in some ugly way and is visited upon their spouse and children, and history repeats itself.  Stop the cycle while you have a chance.  And make sure you tell your children ALL THE TIME just how much YOU love them.  It's important.  

I think that Dr. Phil would agree with this statement.  YOU are the one who commands respect for yourself.  If you don't have enough respect for yourself, others are not going to give it to you.

 

It is very evident that the writer of the bulleted items above has a very low self-respect quotient.  Note how many of the "I", as in pertaining to one's self, items are in lower case.  No, this is not just a result of typing fast.  It is a measure of self worth.  What and how one writes is an indication of just how they perceive themselves or feel others percieve them.  Obviously the writer does not think enough of themself (low self-esteem) to write a piece using correct grammar, format, punctuation, spelling, etc. and therefore expects that others percieve him/her in a less than satisfactory light.  The lower case "i" when referring to him/herself is a dead giveaway.  Take respect in what you write....it is a mirror of your feelings towards yourself. 

 

Personally, I don't care if I have to backspace 50 times in a paragraph, I will never use a lower case "i" when referring to myself.  I'm worth more than that.

AWESOME POST!!!!!!!         THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

Just remember...what goes around comes around.  When you enter into an adulterous relationship, you and your partner begin your lives together as liars and cheaters.  You can just as easily be replaced as you did the replacing.  It doesn't bode well for your future.  I wouldn't want that on me. 

Good post and true-    I would like to add, if I may, a famous Dr Phil quote about affairs- and he has been saying this since I first 'met' him SIX years ago-

 

IF THEY DO IT WITH YOU - THEY'LL DO IT TO YOU"

 

He has also said many times- 5% of relationships that started as an affair usually ends (alot of times -bitterly-and sadly ) -the sad thing is/ are babies / kids born to these selfish cheaters-

 

You wrote a good post-

I never said what I did was right It was very wrong and there is nothing to justify it and I am not saying that everyone should stay with a spouse who cheats I am just saying that people can change and we have both changed it took lots of therapy, but we learned from our mistakes and changed. You don't know me and yet you can judge me? How is that right? All I am saying is that if you are in a relationship where cheating has happened and both people in the relatioship want to fix their problems then it is possible to fix it but both people have to be commited to it. I nor my husband are proud of what we have done we only hope to help others with simmilar problems.