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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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April 9, 2008, 4:57 pm CDT

Lost in a marriage

My husband he loves me so much, I'll tell you how I know? We have gone through the most NASTIEST arguments you could ever imagine. It does get so bad, but I seem like the only one that takes off from home to calm down, or takes off to my friends house to let it out to her. No matter what things I say to him, he would NEVER leave. I don't whether its me or him or both of us that has the problem? I'm just sick of arguing. He says I get angry too fast, BUT I GET ANGRY BECAUSE OF THE THINGS HE SAYS TO MEE... Whats happening here??? someone please help??
 
April 10, 2008, 7:00 pm CDT

Still Hurt

Thanks Jamie, you really cleared my thinking. about how to solve our arguments and avoid nasty comments about eachother...although..Things are better now but I know for a fact either tonight or tomorrow we will argue again. The thing is I never say cruel things to my husband ONLY when he says hurtful things to me then thats when I explode like a bomb. Do you believe in 'BEING SO MAD THAT YOU SAY THE STUPID THINGS THAT YOU DONT TRUELY MEAN, only for the sake of pissing off your partner' OR.... 'BEING SO MAD THAT ONLY THE TRUTH COMES OUT when arguing???? which one do you think is true. My husband is a hard man to get him angry but when hes really mad he can get really rough. One time, he got so mad he said to me he wished he married his ex!!!!??? When the argument was over he kept saying he only said it to piss me off because he was so mad... but in the back of my head...I can't help but think that he says it because he gets so mad that the truth comes out??? Please tell me if I'm wrong??
 
April 11, 2008, 7:30 am CDT

OUCH

Quote From: simply_linja

Thanks Jamie, you really cleared my thinking. about how to solve our arguments and avoid nasty comments about eachother...although..Things are better now but I know for a fact either tonight or tomorrow we will argue again. The thing is I never say cruel things to my husband ONLY when he says hurtful things to me then thats when I explode like a bomb. Do you believe in 'BEING SO MAD THAT YOU SAY THE STUPID THINGS THAT YOU DONT TRUELY MEAN, only for the sake of pissing off your partner' OR.... 'BEING SO MAD THAT ONLY THE TRUTH COMES OUT when arguing???? which one do you think is true. My husband is a hard man to get him angry but when hes really mad he can get really rough. One time, he got so mad he said to me he wished he married his ex!!!!??? When the argument was over he kept saying he only said it to piss me off because he was so mad... but in the back of my head...I can't help but think that he says it because he gets so mad that the truth comes out??? Please tell me if I'm wrong??
I believe in being so mad that both can occur.  Unfortunately, once words are said you can't take them fully back.  As women we have a LONG memory.  It is hard to tell what the true meaning and intention was when your husband said such an awful thing.  You are unable to control what he says, but what you can control is how you act during an argument.  It is difficult to have a heated argument unless both sides engage in the raised voices and fight.  Often times a heated situation can be cooled down some by one side remaining calm.  When he raises his voice make a conscience effort to not raise yours.  Use "I" statements instead of "you" so not to get him on his defense.  Try turning these arguments into discussions.  Even if you disagree perhaps this will deescalate the situation enough to prevent the throwing of angry words that leave a permanent mark.   If you are too upset to do this then take sometime to cool down before engaging with him on the subject.  Write you feelings down and think before you speak.  Try to express your feelings and a solution to the problem rather than push his buttons and blaming.  Another suggestion is before the next argument comes sit down and calmly discuss how this way of dealing with issues is not working and both of you can make suggestions to argue in a more fair manner.  Something is going to have to give otherwise continuing on this path will eventually lead you both to resenting each other and ruining your relationship completely.   If your efforts are not working, it may be worth involving an unbias third party (a professional counselor) to help you both work toward a happier relationship that doesn't have the need for such nasty arguments.  Good luck and keep us posted! 
 
April 29, 2008, 7:16 am CDT

my husband drinks and gambles

i'm new to this message board...can anyone out there give me some constructive advice as to what i should do about my husband's gambling and drinking problems. He has been progressively getting worse and worse. i have noticed a binge drinking pattern happening lately...where during the week he will "only" drink 6-8 beers (375ml cans) a night but then come Friday night and over the weekend he can drink up to 50 over 3 days. He spends most of his time when he is at home out in his office and on his computer. He also gambles. He plays poker on the net...and just today i found out that he is also playing the lottery on line as well. i have confronted him on numerous occassions about his drinking and gambling and he tells me that he doesn't think he has a drinking problem and that the gambling is just what he likes to do.! He has made it quite clear that he would like it if i stayed out of his business when it comes to money. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone help me.
 
May 21, 2008, 9:45 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

I need help quick! I am a 33 year old woman, married with no children but I have two step-children.  My husband and I have been married for nine this June. My husband and I had what I thought was a good marriage until about 3 years ago.  More recently, we have had problems we can't seem to get past.  Years ago, when we he and I were dating, I thought that I got along well enough with his family.  I was never especially close to any of them but I thought that we could be common cordiall to each other.  Somewhere along the way, his mother began to say and do strange things to me for no obvious reasons.  I would enter a room and she would give me very strange angry looks or answer my questions hostily or maybe not answer at all.  I would call her and she'd hang up in my face for no reason.  I tried handling it on my on but i had no luck.  After quite a while, I shared my problems with my husband. I didn't get him involved initialy because I hoped to handle it without him.  When I told him, he blew it off.  "Yeah mama can be a lil crazy some times" he would say.  He didn't make a big deal about it so I let it go the first few times I brought something to him.  But of course, things got worse over the years. It got to the point that she seemed to wait untill my husband leaves the room to show her disdain for me. Again, I have no idea what I have done to cause any of this. This time, I was more demanding with my husband. I told him i needed his help with this problem because I tried talking to her about it, I tried ignoring it, I tried joking it away. He then said, "Well you probably misunderstood."  I don't think you could misunderstand anyone repeatedly hanging up in your face. I know how fragile this situation must be for him but I don't know how to handle it.  Plus, my husband's sister and father have witnessed this behavior and have said or done nothing to stop it.  I am not surprised that family would support family but I'm dissapointed that right and wrong has never been considered in this situation.  I asked my husband if I ha talk to or treated his family the way that they had me, would he be as protective of me.  He said NO! Very quickly and clearly, he said no.  This broke me down. Since that day, I have not been interested in sex with him or intimacy or anything that couples should be.  Just this has left me believing that everything I once thought about our relationship was wrong.  I no longer trust this man with my things that are important to me.  I haven't shared things with him that he would want to know because I've started to feel that he is not really my husband anymore.  I look at him and can no longer see the man I was crazy about years ago.  I have emotionally given up on trying to find my way back to trusting him. I didn't choose this current feeling, it's just what I feel. 

 

The way I have dealt with the problem lately is I just don't go to my in laws houses.  I am not trying to be rude to them, I just don't know how else to keep down the drama.  In fact I am a very non-drama type of person so this is that much harder for me.  It is hard to include all the important facts here so let me try to sum it up.  I love my husband, I have a small immediate family so I welcomed my husbands family, they didn't feel the same way about me.  My husband more or less blames me for the lack of relationship between his family and I.  My husband doesn't help with the situation, he just stays out of it and tells me that I shouldn't be so over sensitive.  Biggest problem, I don't feel over sensitive.  I feel right.  I don't need to be right, I feel that I am right.  I think that if my in laws don't want or don't know how to respect me, we should grately limit our contact.  I don't have any answer for wut I should do as far as feeling unappreciated by my husband.  I need someone to help me sort some of these problems out.  Thanks 

 

 

 

 
May 22, 2008, 7:46 pm CDT

I hope this helps!!!

Quote From: jaimie1974

It is understandable that you get angry because of the mean things that he says. My advice to you is to approach him when there is no argument between the two of you, say to him, in a calm, rational voice, that you dont want to have nasty arguments with him anymore. If he doesnt take responsibility, if he says the arguments are because you get angry too fast, you should respond by saying- again, in a calm, rational manner- that you get angry because he says very hurtful things. Tell him that you dont need to get into who said what, that you dont want to re-hash the last argument that you had, you just want to make an agreement with him that the next time an argument comes up, you both agree that you will not say mean, hurtful things. If you dont agree on something, you have to find a way to speak up in a calm and reasonable manner, not in a way that is argumentative. The only person that you have control over is you, you cant change the way that he reacts/interacts with you- you can only change the way that you react during an argument. You know for a fact that the way youve been reacting does not work, and you know that you are tired of it, so it is time to try a new tactic; what do you have to lose?

Hey I just thought I would piggyback what 1974 said.  You really don't want to spend the rest of your life apologizing to your hsuband for something that you said in anger.  The anger tends to last for a short time but the pain can be lifelong. The thing that helps me not take my arguments with my husband to the name-calling level is that I thing how it would make me feel if he was to dig around for that perfect thing to hurt me.  I would not feel safe to return to him for comfort if he had just been the same person who caused me the pain.  So I try especially hard to talk to my husband the way I want to be talked to.  of course, I am a little older and I have been with this same guy for 12 years, so we have had a couple times that weren't so civil, just like everybody else.  Something I tried, in the beginning of our marriage, was to sit down and make a list of things i wanted to discuss with my husband while I wasn't mad at him, while I was calm.  Think about what you want to say to him and how you want him to recieve what you say to him.  Then set aside special time to talk with him about your issues.  Allow him to speak and listen to his comments and concerns.  For me, this is the hard part because my husband tends to not talk to much unless it has to do with cars or movies.  So you may hafta help along a bit.  But remember this is all in the name of having a healthy longlasting marriage.  I hope some of this helps you out, good luck!
 
May 22, 2008, 8:13 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: daverocks

i'm new to this message board...can anyone out there give me some constructive advice as to what i should do about my husband's gambling and drinking problems. He has been progressively getting worse and worse. i have noticed a binge drinking pattern happening lately...where during the week he will "only" drink 6-8 beers (375ml cans) a night but then come Friday night and over the weekend he can drink up to 50 over 3 days. He spends most of his time when he is at home out in his office and on his computer. He also gambles. He plays poker on the net...and just today i found out that he is also playing the lottery on line as well. i have confronted him on numerous occassions about his drinking and gambling and he tells me that he doesn't think he has a drinking problem and that the gambling is just what he likes to do.! He has made it quite clear that he would like it if i stayed out of his business when it comes to money. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone help me.

When I read your message, it touched me very deeply.  I have an older brother who has an extreme drinking problem.  He can't hold any jobs, he has no real friends, no real life.  I see this tearing him down more and more every day and I am powerless to help him.  I beg, threaten, plead, bribe and anything else I can think of to try to help him. All to no avail.  The only thing I can offer you are what I have done to try to cope with my brother's choice for his life.  I attend support groups for families of addiction dependent people.  At the meetings they can really help you navigate through some of these difficult times.  They can show you some things you may never have think of on your on.  They can also give you support and education on the type of addiction that your spouse is facing. If you'll just google the city and state that  you live in and alanon, you should find support groups in your area.  There are often more than one, so if you try one and it doesn't do what you want, try another.  I hope this helps you because I know just how hard it can be to watch your loved ones go through devastating addictions. Good Luck!

 
May 31, 2008, 1:45 pm CDT

The Silenced Father

I've been married to my wife for 10 years and we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  I work out of the home and my wife is a stay-at-home mom.  Taking care of the kids is her job and she does very well at it.  In fact, she goes above and beyond with ensuring that our kids are taken care of in every way.  Her dedication is appreciated, but her devotion to being the ultimate mother is affecting our marriage and I'm beginning to harbor resentment against her.

 

As parents, our children are obviously a main topic of discussion.  However, most of the time when I offer an opinion that even resembles a lack of agreement with her she snaps back at me and it sometimes turns into a huge fight.  Even innocent comments result in her snapping at me - sometimes in front of our friends and family.  I've just accepted that (1) my job is outside the house (2) and her job is to make ALL decisions related to our children.  However, I have accepted this just to not rock the boat but I do resent it.  I'm a great father and want to and feel a right to be part of the decision making process.  Unfortunately, in order to do this, I risk severely damaging our marriage.

 

The irony of it all is that we don't have different parenting methods.  Our methods are almost identical but those times where I would like to do something different are when I'm beat down for it.

 

I am feeling really hopeless and desperate and I feel that the longer this goes on the more my resentment will grow.

 
June 22, 2008, 7:25 am CDT

on the breaking point...in laws undermining relationship and my husband likes it that way

my husband is spanish. i am white. i'm 23 and a year older than him.  we've only been married 6 months. and we didnt know each other very long before we married--yes, stupid, i realize. because he is spanish he says him and his family are really close. which i can understand somewhat. he's not the baby, but they treat him like the baby. his mother babies him completely. when we were dating, they were nice to me. heis sister was a litte weird, but nothing major.

 

after we got married adn right before, things changed. it's like their whole life revolves around him. and in turn, our life revolves around them! my husband picks them over me! they say crap about me and he doesnt even defend it. when my husband and i get in a fight, he runs away to them and tells them how awful and controlling his wife is caz she doesnt like seeing them every other day and calling them 5 X a day. he eventually comes back but it's like so much of our marital relationship is ruined--whatever happen to the sacred bond in marriage? that loyalty? that privacty? i'm a big beleiver in not sharing your marriage problems with others--esp the people that are the probnlem! or putting down oyur marriage mate to othersw. i'm at the point where i dont even want to be married to him anymore. i think he just wants to go back to being a selfish single mamas boy. he says he loves me and i think he does or he wouldnt be here--but he doesnt act like it. hes not affectionate at all sicne our last fight where he shared all the details of our marriage with his family and his family proceeded to call him up when he came back and curse him out and me out for not leaving each other and staying with them (his mommy and daddy). i cnat take this anymore. help!!!! he seems to like it this way. i cant deal with his family being in my life constantly. when i got married, i expected us to be our own family. i expect to involve them in our lives still, yes, but on a more normal basis and united as a married couple. his familty treats me like i dont exsist, has cussed me out for no reason, his dad is a functioning alcoholic who calls and cusses me out caz my husbands sister didnt like that i told her it hurt my feelings when she purposely ignores me sitting right next to my husband and only invites him to go to a theme park., i thought that was incredibly rude. my husband thinks his family can do no wrong adn only i am wrong. i dont trust my husabnd. i dont feel like hes loyal to me. i feel like our entire relationship is undermined by his other family. and they live across the street! and my husband wont move. he hates change. go figure. HELP!!!

 
June 24, 2008, 7:51 am CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: sunkissed2685

my husband is spanish. i am white. i'm 23 and a year older than him.  we've only been married 6 months. and we didnt know each other very long before we married--yes, stupid, i realize. because he is spanish he says him and his family are really close. which i can understand somewhat. he's not the baby, but they treat him like the baby. his mother babies him completely. when we were dating, they were nice to me. heis sister was a litte weird, but nothing major.

 

after we got married adn right before, things changed. it's like their whole life revolves around him. and in turn, our life revolves around them! my husband picks them over me! they say crap about me and he doesnt even defend it. when my husband and i get in a fight, he runs away to them and tells them how awful and controlling his wife is caz she doesnt like seeing them every other day and calling them 5 X a day. he eventually comes back but it's like so much of our marital relationship is ruined--whatever happen to the sacred bond in marriage? that loyalty? that privacty? i'm a big beleiver in not sharing your marriage problems with others--esp the people that are the probnlem! or putting down oyur marriage mate to othersw. i'm at the point where i dont even want to be married to him anymore. i think he just wants to go back to being a selfish single mamas boy. he says he loves me and i think he does or he wouldnt be here--but he doesnt act like it. hes not affectionate at all sicne our last fight where he shared all the details of our marriage with his family and his family proceeded to call him up when he came back and curse him out and me out for not leaving each other and staying with them (his mommy and daddy). i cnat take this anymore. help!!!! he seems to like it this way. i cant deal with his family being in my life constantly. when i got married, i expected us to be our own family. i expect to involve them in our lives still, yes, but on a more normal basis and united as a married couple. his familty treats me like i dont exsist, has cussed me out for no reason, his dad is a functioning alcoholic who calls and cusses me out caz my husbands sister didnt like that i told her it hurt my feelings when she purposely ignores me sitting right next to my husband and only invites him to go to a theme park., i thought that was incredibly rude. my husband thinks his family can do no wrong adn only i am wrong. i dont trust my husabnd. i dont feel like hes loyal to me. i feel like our entire relationship is undermined by his other family. and they live across the street! and my husband wont move. he hates change. go figure. HELP!!!

Sounds like a very difficult start to a relationship - after six months of marriage you should still be honeymooning NOT fighting.  Whatever you do, DO NOT bring kids into this.  Sorry you are frustrated but you could call it a lesson learned and now you are wiser because of it.
 
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