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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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June 24, 2008, 8:00 am CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: seniorswig

I've been married to my wife for 10 years and we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  I work out of the home and my wife is a stay-at-home mom.  Taking care of the kids is her job and she does very well at it.  In fact, she goes above and beyond with ensuring that our kids are taken care of in every way.  Her dedication is appreciated, but her devotion to being the ultimate mother is affecting our marriage and I'm beginning to harbor resentment against her.

 

As parents, our children are obviously a main topic of discussion.  However, most of the time when I offer an opinion that even resembles a lack of agreement with her she snaps back at me and it sometimes turns into a huge fight.  Even innocent comments result in her snapping at me - sometimes in front of our friends and family.  I've just accepted that (1) my job is outside the house (2) and her job is to make ALL decisions related to our children.  However, I have accepted this just to not rock the boat but I do resent it.  I'm a great father and want to and feel a right to be part of the decision making process.  Unfortunately, in order to do this, I risk severely damaging our marriage.

 

The irony of it all is that we don't have different parenting methods.  Our methods are almost identical but those times where I would like to do something different are when I'm beat down for it.

 

I am feeling really hopeless and desperate and I feel that the longer this goes on the more my resentment will grow.

Your resentment will continue to grow as long as you do not feel respected.  Your children will notice this and it will affect their relationship with you as well.  Is she open to counselling?  I've seen a marriage break up over this very thing and I do feel that it can be worked out.  It is a matter of respect - maybe your wife has gotten so wrapped up in her motherhood role that she has forgotten the most important part of mothering - teaching our children to be respectful.  How you bring this up to her - the words you use are very important - counselling could help you do this.  I do not believe that feeling like an outsider looking in at your wife raising your children is where you should be content to stay.  We mothers tend to be a little controlling at times and especially when parenting is our career we make all the decisions all day and it is hard to let go when dad comes in the door.  Don't be frightened to rock the boat - just chose your words wisely.  Good luck.
 
July 28, 2008, 6:40 am CDT

New mom

Quote From: tierd5

I feel like a single mom of 4 kids but the last time I checked I only went through 3 labors. My husband wont clean up after himself or anything. He says that his job is really hard and that I don't have anything better to do. I have a son who was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers syndrome he sees a psychiatrist once a month and sometimes more depending on his mood. I have to drive an hour to take him. I also have a daughter who is having a real hard time with school and a daughter with asthma. With all of this to deal with it would be nice to have a husband who would be supportive in the things I do. I have told him that I am tired of him not listening to my problems and always wanting me to feel sorry for him, and that I am seriously thinking about divorce, but he doesn't even seem to realize that I am serious. I know that the man wont even consider counseling, because he thinks there's nothing wrong. What am I to do?

Sounds alot like my Fiancee, we recently just had a boy he's going on 3 months.  He has a daughter who is 5 from another girl, after being together for 3 years off and on we had our son.  I stay home with him and my boyfriend works 50+ hours a week, I take care of our son during the day, clean the house, and have dinner ready when he comes home.  We have dinner together and then he'll just get up from the table and go to the couch he doesn't bother picking up after himself.  The other night after he was done dinner I asked if he would finish feeding our son so that I could finish dinner and he said no.  He said he worked all day and that he just wanted to relax.  What about me, staying home taking care of our son and cleaning up after him is easy?  He says how hard is it to stay home and take care of an infant.  THen he tells me apparently you have to go back to work so your not sitting home all day long thinking about us.  

He said our son is my responsibility until he's 4 and can go do things with dad. 

I don't know how to make him see that taking care of everything is as easy as he thinks it is.  But because he is out making money to pay all the bills and support are family in those ways I'm not allowed to get on his case about helping me out around the house.  He says your only worry is our son. 

Don't know what to do anymore, he never cares to know how I feel about situations, he says I don't care just fix the problem.  I don't think our problems are all me, but he makes me feel like every situation that arises within our family is my fault.

 
July 29, 2008, 8:36 pm CDT

Over Whelmed

My Husband and I have been married for 27 yrs, have 3 kids two on their own (boys) one girl 16yrs old.

I very frustrated and tired of my husbands negativity. I own my own hair business and he wants no part of it. From helping with website design to making appointments to worry.  He is a engineer and doesn't like his job or so I think he may? He is always on the web looking at stocks. Swears everyother word.

watches only facted based programs...news, history channel, science channel, sports, weather.

He complains about my dog he hates all the time. Blames me for everything, if argueing it is me my fault, and yes fault has to be mine and blamed on someone at all times.

 

So tonight..I came home he was standing by the couch and watching..a global warming program and gas price, oil what ever..depressing to me and so I went and got my tennis shoes and socks changed my attire and came out of bedroom and looked at t.v. and sighed by the dog was trying to get my tennis shoes because he knows i walk him so was excited and my husband states very loudly it the t.v. thats why she sighed and so off it goes and no more t.v. cancel it all we can read play games what ever.

 

Two hours later a neighbor comes over and speaks to my husband who at time was watching t.v. in bedroom. Neighbor states he hopes he wasn't interfering  and my husband replys no I was kick off the big t.v. so I have to watch the small one. I rolled my eyes at neighbor and he said I don't believe that.

 

My husband always puts me down in front of the kids or anyone that is around or has to point out my imperfections what is up with that?

 

I believe, he always has to do this to feel better but he really makes himself look flawed not me.

I'm still hurt and tired of this negativity..I'm going nuts..this has been going on for 4yrs and getting worse.

he will not get help I have had him to the doctors, and they give him meds and he doesn't believe it works.

but he never takes them.

 

help!!

 
July 30, 2008, 8:43 pm CDT

Strugglng with husband to do things aroud the house

I have been married for five years and for five of those years my husband has always been a great provider. We have had alot of stress in our relationshi becuse due to my husbands job we have to mov alot.I have two litle ones under 3 1/2 and we just moved when my younget 13mth wasborn We have no family or friends near and I am a SAHM and my husband works night I struggle with the house. There are still boxes everwhere and we will be moving again at some point so wedont wnt to unpack everythng. It has provided for alt of instabiity and my husband works overtime even when he doesn't want to becuase he gets drafted. I can never count on a schedule for him so me and the kids have decided to sd time with my parents to get a break and so I can have help. So my ubands responsibity is work and taking care of our dog. I drove back after being away for over a month and the house wasso dirty. No toilets cleaned. All the projetcs such as clearing boxes and etting boxes out of our kids rooms have not been done. When I question why - my husband tells me he's tred after working 12 hrs but then he meets up with his buddies for gof or dinner when he does have time. I get so frustrted because his woud be a great time for thework to get done without the kids there...but hes notdoing it. we get into an arguement and then he tells me get a job. I get mybe 5 hrs of sleep and can do laundry, dishes, meals, food sopping with two kids in toe and I am pissed. He doesn't get it. He needs to be at home but when he is he focuses on the computer or s o tire to help. HELP ME 
 
July 31, 2008, 9:35 am CDT

Hi

Quote From: pamela3

My Husband and I have been married for 27 yrs, have 3 kids two on their own (boys) one girl 16yrs old.

I very frustrated and tired of my husbands negativity. I own my own hair business and he wants no part of it. From helping with website design to making appointments to worry.  He is a engineer and doesn't like his job or so I think he may? He is always on the web looking at stocks. Swears everyother word.

watches only facted based programs...news, history channel, science channel, sports, weather.

He complains about my dog he hates all the time. Blames me for everything, if argueing it is me my fault, and yes fault has to be mine and blamed on someone at all times.

 

So tonight..I came home he was standing by the couch and watching..a global warming program and gas price, oil what ever..depressing to me and so I went and got my tennis shoes and socks changed my attire and came out of bedroom and looked at t.v. and sighed by the dog was trying to get my tennis shoes because he knows i walk him so was excited and my husband states very loudly it the t.v. thats why she sighed and so off it goes and no more t.v. cancel it all we can read play games what ever.

 

Two hours later a neighbor comes over and speaks to my husband who at time was watching t.v. in bedroom. Neighbor states he hopes he wasn't interfering  and my husband replys no I was kick off the big t.v. so I have to watch the small one. I rolled my eyes at neighbor and he said I don't believe that.

 

My husband always puts me down in front of the kids or anyone that is around or has to point out my imperfections what is up with that?

 

I believe, he always has to do this to feel better but he really makes himself look flawed not me.

I'm still hurt and tired of this negativity..I'm going nuts..this has been going on for 4yrs and getting worse.

he will not get help I have had him to the doctors, and they give him meds and he doesn't believe it works.

but he never takes them.

 

help!!

Hi,

I just recently joined this site, I know what it's like to live with someone who is always negative.  My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years due to get married in June but I am not sure the way things have been going.

My boyfriend will come home from work and he always has to make little sarcasm negative remarks that put me down.  I tell him stop putting me down and he smiles and says I'm just fooling around.

I've been staying home caring for our 3 month old and It's been hard on our relationship because I complain that we don't do anything together.  He works 6 days a week, the night that he has off he goes to small race tracks around us usually with a guy that he works with.  Then on Sunday all he wants to do is lay around the house and relax before he has to start his 6 days work week all over again.

Everyother weekend he has his 5 year old daughter that lately it seems like I take care of more than him.  Some sat, he'll take her to the track with him or he'll leave her home with me,.  He tell me that tomorrow We'll all go do something and it will be a family day, Sunday comes around and again he says I don't feel like going anywhere today, the only thing he wants to do with his family is stay inthe house and watch racing.

We were a couple that before I was pregnant we were out doing things all the time, visiting with friends, fourwheeling, camping we always did  things together.  Now I am in the house 24/7 while he works 6 days a week,  I spend my days caring for our son, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, he doesn't even help me out at night when he gets home from work.  And I am not aloud to complain about not spending anytime together because if I do, I just get lectured on how much he does for this family and the one and 1/2 days that he has off he should be able to do what he wants.  he has no consideration lately for how I feel and what I want to do.  he just says he doesn't care he's going to do what he wants to. 

How do you fix a relationship that is so one sided.  I've tried taking advice from dr.phils relationship advice, but I really just want to talk to someone, who can relate, everytime we have an argument it's my fault I'm the one wtih the problems, Everything is directed toward me, it's like I am suppose to be the rock of this family and I can't be 100% of the time, I can't lean on him when I am having a bad day, I can't cry on his shoulder, I can't talk because talking to me is argueing in his eyes.

 

HELP!!!

 
August 4, 2008, 8:49 am CDT

I need advice

I've been married for 5 years, but been with my husband for 11 years. We have a 2 year old child. We are both in our 30's. 

 

I have been miserable and depressed for the past 4 years. My husband cheated on me a few times prior to our marriage. He has always been a flirt with other women, to the point where I feel invisible. I have talked to him, or should I say tried talking to him about it. He knows he's a flirt but never saw it as a problem. 

 

He's always putting me down. If I say something that is incorrect or if I look completely white as opposed to the tan I usually get.  I've never felt quite 'connected' to the man.

 

When I had my child two years ago, I was basically taking care of her myself. He wanted his freedom, whether having his buddies over going fishing or anything in that nature. I also work full-time and provide  for my daughter. We started having financial problems due to him. He's hidden bills and other debt from me which I just recently found out about since his sister and father have been getting calls from collection agencies. He never helps around the house or with anything else for that matter.

 

About 18 months after I had my child, I had an affair with another married man (he was in the midst of getting a divorce and he had two young children as well). We clicked, talked about everything and it felt good having somebody who was excited to see me or to talk to me. This affair lasted 3 months (we both got caught). I slept with the guy, only once. It was more of an emotional affair. I felt guilty the entire time of the affair...feeling guilty that I was confiding in this other guy about my life, what I was doing that day, etc.

 

Now my husband throws it in my face every chance he gets. He says 'You **** John' all the time, especially in front of my 2 year old.   He's always been a heavy drinker (which runs in his family). He gets verbally violent with me all the time. He doesn't pay for anything our child needs, he lies about money and financial issues and honestly, I think he is having an affair, again. 

 

I just feel so lonely and I feel I'm with him just because of my child. But my fear is that if we do divorce, he will get time with our child alone and I know he is not capable of taking care of my child alone. We tried to see a counselor after the affair and he's just so stubborn, that he says it's my problem and won't see anyone. I've pretty much given up on this marriage. I'm unhappy with him, being with him. When it's just me and my child, and if he's gone, I'm happy and feel good.

 
August 4, 2008, 1:44 pm CDT

I feel alone

 My husband  never follows  through  with  what  he says  he is  going to do.My   son has  autism  and   has constant  stomach  problems.My h  said to me Iwill  take  care of  this.I will get his  problem checked out myself  don't worry about  it.Now   he  is saying  what  am  suppose  to do Ican't figureitout  why  should I do this.  Why doIhave  to hold your hand..Isaid   yournot I have raised  our  kids with  little help  from  you .I  have taken  our  son  over and  over  to   the doc.They  take a  quick   look  and  Tell   me it   is all  in  his head and send me home.We  need  someone to look at who knows what they are doing  to find out what is wrong with  him.My husbands response to me  is well  then you do  it..I have tried  I would like some help  Iamsotired of having a  husband  who  the only thing  he is good  and wants to do  is pay the bills  and sleep  complain and sometimes yard  work.Our son needs help  Idon'tknowwere to  get   it?????
 
August 7, 2008, 5:33 pm CDT

reply to I feel alone

Quote From: debrasatt

 My husband  never follows  through  with  what  he says  he is  going to do.My   son has  autism  and   has constant  stomach  problems.My h  said to me Iwill  take  care of  this.I will get his  problem checked out myself  don't worry about  it.Now   he  is saying  what  am  suppose  to do Ican't figureitout  why  should I do this.  Why doIhave  to hold your hand..Isaid   yournot I have raised  our  kids with  little help  from  you .I  have taken  our  son  over and  over  to   the doc.They  take a  quick   look  and  Tell   me it   is all  in  his head and send me home.We  need  someone to look at who knows what they are doing  to find out what is wrong with  him.My husbands response to me  is well  then you do  it..I have tried  I would like some help  Iamsotired of having a  husband  who  the only thing  he is good  and wants to do  is pay the bills  and sleep  complain and sometimes yard  work.Our son needs help  Idon'tknowwere to  get   it?????
Have you ever considered that your son might have a food allergy, like to dairy products or wheat products? I also watched an Oprah show awhile back with Jenny Macarthy being interviewed, she also has a son with autisim and told about a diet that she put her son on that changed his quality of life,maybe you can check into that...
 
August 25, 2008, 2:21 pm CDT

Feel like I'm walking on eggshells

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 years and we are engaged to be married later this year. It seems about once a year he will vent his frustrations with me "things have to change or I'm leaving" and these frustrations of his always involve my daughter. I am a single parent with an 11 year old daughter and he has had issues with her from almost the beginning. He feels she is spoiled and I'm not a good disciplinarian. I agreed with him that I have trouble with discipline but I have improved so much over the years. He will bring up the fact that he feels like it's my daughter and myself against him. He feels "like a roommate", etc. So about a month ago we had a big discussion and talked about many many things, including having my daughter do more things independently, go to bed on time, she needs to stop arguing, etc. It was a very serious but helpful discussion and a lot of good things came out of it. Not one month later he flared up one evening because I was late by 10 mnutes putting her to bed. He feels that by doing that I am not respecting his feelings...he doesn't want her bedtime delayed even 1 minute because that is 1 minute he is missing with me. He threatened to leave. I told him that I messed up, yes I was late putting her to bed, but it wasn't intentional. He said that he didn't care - I should be thinking about it and not letting the bedtime interfere with us. He said that is the only thing he has asked of me. This is a lie and I told him that I have made changes to other things. He said that he basically didn't care about the other things, this one was the important one. I told him that my daughter and I are walking on eggshells, afraid to screw up on something and he'll walk. That made him upset too. I then asked him if he wanted his ring back - he answered "I'm thinking about it." Well, I took off the ring and have not worn it since. I know he notices that I am not wearing it but I don't feel that I should. I feel like I am on probation and being engaged isn't being on probation. If he leaves, my life will be upside down. My first husband left me without notice while I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter and the thought of going through that again makes me physically ill. I feel like I'm being bullied but again, I understand his past frustrations and I thought we were making great strides. But I feel that he is being unreasonable that if my daughter's bedtime routine is off by a few minutes that that is reason for him to leave. Any advice?
 
August 29, 2008, 5:11 pm CDT

My husband is a Mamma's boy

My second marriage and his 1st. we are in our 40s.  He is a mamma's boy and admits it. his mother is a great person and we get along very well.  we live in one area and she lives 2 hours away. he travels to her house every friday for the weekend. she is about 72, still works, gets around, family, friends, etc.  She's healthy.  my husband can't let go. he calls her house home and doesn't like our area. we live 'here' because of our jobs.  before we got married he said he's still going to his mothers every weekend and i said, well I'm not - I have 2 teens (one works parttime) and its not fair to drag them around.  I do go to her house maybe once a month.  I do enjoy the 'break' we get, but feeling sad or I just feel its too odd with their behavior.  he does more with his mother than with me. They have dinners together, church, shopping, casino, etc. They have a routine.  They'll have icecream / tv like a couple of kids.  he still brings his dirty laundry to her. she washes/irons his clothes, cooks dinners, packs cooked food, etc for him to bring back.  whatever is on the weekend agenda, they do.  I would never ruin their relationship, but I think he should spend more time with his wife and less with mamma.  Its a matter of time when people start asking, where is your wife?  He belives that God comes first, then family. He is a very dedicated person, but I feel more dedicated to his mamma than me.  we've dated 6 years before marraige and married only 2 months.  I just feel he doens't understand what marriage is and carry's on like he's still single and mamma's boy. 
 
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