Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Sorry, I cannot tell you that he is right. You should NOT convince yourself that he is right, and that you should do as he says.

Your baby is due in two months, so my advice to you is to do an experiment- follow your husband’s “rules” for a period of time, perhaps three weeks or so, and see how he treats you within that time. Follow those rules he has- do not talk about your parents to him, only call them at 9 p.m. (or when he isn’t around), etc. If, within those three weeks, his treatment of you stays the same, then you KNOW with absolute certainty that NOTHING you do will make him stop being verbally abusive to you.

I suspect that this isn’t really about your parents. Your parents are just a topic; the real issue is much, much deeper. Your husband is an insecure, jealous and possessive man. That is one of the reasons that he needed to rush into this marriage, also.

Just out of curiosity, why didn’t you say anything to your father when he was saying negative remarks regarding your husband’s profession? Do you fear confronting your father, or are you afraid that your parents would disown you? Even if you do fear those things, you will feel better about yourself if you speak up and make it clear that you want and need to be treated with respect. Your father’s remarks weren’t only disrespectful to your husband, it was disrespectful to YOU. It is okay to speak up and say something like, “Dad, show some respect please.” That should not cause an argument or any harm, because it is totally reasonable. Your father should have respect for you. Your husband should also have respect for you. Your issue isn’t with authority, it is that you accept being disrespected and keep on taking it as though nothing is wrong.

Did your parents ‘warn’ you about getting married so fast? (Just curious)

I wish you the best. I hope that you have a healthy baby and that you live a happy, healthy life. Its time to put yourself first and demand respect- there is no better time then right now!

I am new to this but need an outlet for sharing feelings.  I am 28 years old and the mother of 2 wonderful, amazing children.  They are 4 years old and 19 months.  I have been married for 7 years.  I work full time(all done in 3.5 days so more days of with kids).  I take my 4 year old to preschool on my lunch break and take a break in afternoon to pick her up and take her to her grandma's (where her brother is).   After dropping her off I head back to work to finish my day.  I run non-stop between kids, work, and normal errands we all have to do.  My husband is great about cooking dinner on nights when I don't get home till 6 but neglects to clean up and soon as I get home he plops into his chair and tunes in on tv.  He doesn't help with baths or bed time routine for either child but complains if I don't have them in bed by the time he thinks I should.  He doesn't leave his chair once I get home.  I get kids to bed then clean up dinner.  He leaves for work early in the morning so goes to be fairly early.  He gets upset at me for not wanting to go to bed as early as him but if I did I would get nothing done.  He has become so clingy, needy, and demanding that I feel like he is my third child.  Don't get me wrong I am not trying to whine about my life.  Overall he is a great dad and husband and I have a good life.  I just have no time for myself.  He makes me feel guilty about going to do anything by complaining about how hard it is for him to take care of kids alone.  I can't even go to store without a complaint.  So many times I take the kids everywhere with me.  I love to run and really got into it after losing 40 lbs after my son was born.  I catch so much crap about leaving to run that I now run at night when everyone is asleep.  I also grocery shop when everyone is asleep which takes two hours due to my sons food allergies.  I don't enjoy doing things because I feel guilty, selfish, and just don't want to deal with him upset for me not being with him.  I make time for him and compromise on how we spend that time.  Often times I feel that he only wants to spend time with me on his terms.  Example while I am writing this, he doesn't want to spend time with me since basketball is on but doesn't want me to go do anything unless I take the kids.  We have every weekend together.  When we get together with friends 9 times out of ten it is his friends.  I recently wanted to take a class and signed up for it.  He made me feel so guilty that I knew it would no longer be fun so I dropped it.  I am losing myself by his expectations of me.  I take care of house, paying bills, taking kids to appt, preschool and grandmas, run all errands, and plan dinner (he cooks it three days a week.).  I just can't find enough time in the day to add something for myself.  However, my tank is running on empty.  How can I get what I need and not feel guilty and have a happy husband? 

You asked: “How can I get what I need and not feel guilty and have a happy husband?”

Do you really think that your husband is happy? It doesn’t sound like he is a happy person. It won’t matter what you do- even if you do everything perfect and exactly as he instructs you to do, he still won’t be happy enough. This is because YOU do not have the power to create his happiness; he has to WANT to have happiness. From what you’ve described, misery is his comfort zone, and he is doing his best to keep you there with him.

The best advice I can give you is to bust out, and no matter what, do things for YOU. This is so important! You will be a better wife and mother, a better person in general, if you take care of yourself . When you allow yourself time to do things just for yourself, you are nurturing your spirit. Your husband needs to do this, also. It is important that you both have hobbies/activities that you enjoy. The reason he complains when you try to do things for yourself is simple- because he knows that you will cancel and ‘make him happy.’ He knows that all he has to do is whine/complain, and you’ll obey him, like a pet. You are so much more then a pet; you are an extremely important woman who needs and deserves time for herself.

If you can’t work up the nerve to do this for yourself, then do it for your precious children. You are the strongest female role model that they will ever have; you are teaching them that the way you are living your life is ‘normal,’ and that means your children will grow up, seek out mates, and repeat this cycle. As a mother myself, I know that you want your children to have better; so, to make that happen, you’ve got to force yourself to create the necessary changes in your life. I know that it is difficult to make changes, but you are doing this to improve your life. You aren’t doing it to be a jerk. Your husband will either have to ‘get it’ or he’ll continue to whine; but you can’t allow his whining to control you anymore. Approach your husband in a calm manner to have a rational discussion about the changes you need to make. Remember that this is a discussion- not an argument- no raised voices, no getting upset- just stating the facts and what you are going to do to change the negatives in your life. My advice to you is to assure your husband that you appreciate his help, that you love him and that you know your children love him, too; you just know that if you don’t give yourself some time to do things that are for yourself, you are going to become bitter and resentful, and you want to prevent that. Also, encourage him to engage in an activity that he enjoys, something that is just for him.

If you feel guilt or self-doubt creeping upon you, remember that you deserve happiness, and that is why you are making changes. I wish you the best!

This sounds like torture! If I were you, my feelings would have been very hurt when he didn’t do anything to clean up after dinner; after all, you are SICK!

My advice for you is when you have to confront your husband about something, use what is called the “validation method.” It works like this: instead of saying to your husband, "It would have been nice had you cleaned the kitchen," you say something like this: “Could you help me out by cleaning up the kitchen? If we work together, we can get it done quicker. Thank you, hon, I really appreciate you.” When you tell someone that you appreciate them, it helps get them motivated. (Most people, anyway!) People love to hear that we are appreciated.

Yes, it would be great if your husband just did things around the house, but you know that he isn’t like that. You know that he needs to be asked to do specific things, so you can assume that this isn’t going to change magically overnight. Instead, work with it. I know it is very annoying- but again, you KNOW that he won’t do anything unless you direct him- so that means you’ve got to direct him. The key is doing it in a way that motivates him. Another example: “I love you and appreciate you so much, and I know that *your child’s name* will be proud to have you as a dad when he is older. Could you get dinner started and vacuum today? It would be so helpful for me….” This might take some getting used to- but in my experience, it really works. My husband also doesn’t do much unless he is specifically directed. So, I direct him, but I do it in a way that is kind and gentle, and makes him feel appreciated. Give it a try.

Another thought- I’m wondering if the reason he doesn’t help out is attached to depression, and if it is, it would be helpful for him if he had an outside activity/hobby that got him interested in the world. Something to think about. I wish you the best!

Wow, you put things into a new perspective for me.  I cried when I read the first part of your reply.  I can't make him happy no matter what I do no matter what I do.  I can only control myself and reactions.  I encourage and give him opportunity to do outside hobbies/activities.  I even try to arrange them with his guy friends since he won't.  Always says "I just want to do stuff with you and the kids."  I will continue to give him the freedom to do what he needs for himself whether he chooses to do so is out of my control.  I am going to take your advice and stand up for my right to be happy and nurtured.  After reading your reply, it made me feel like I am not being selfish and that my desire to do things for myself is a positive things.  You are so right that I will be a better person/wife/mother.  This is a cycle as I look at my parents.  When I became a mother I promised myself I would break the verbal abuse cycle I was unfortunately raised in.  I refuse to continue that and I don't want to pass this unhealthy cycle onto my children either .  Thank you, sometimes it just takes an outside, uninvlolved person to open one's eyes.  I will keep you updated as I try to start implementing a plan to resolve this.  Thank you again for the encouragement!

Hello,We have 2 1/2year old twins, a girl and a boy.   My problem is that my husband seems to be too obsessed with being a father, so much so that I feel that he is taking over my role as a mother, even trying to show I am a bad mother  and trying to push me out.  

To everyone he seems to be the perfect father.  And often I feel lucky that he does a lot for the children. However, ever since they were born he has not stopped critising me concerning the kids and in front of them. If they eat lunch too late, it is my fault, if they go too bed too late it is my fault,  if they spill milk at duriing dinner , it is my fault because I filled the cup too full.  My son fell down the stairs once and that too was my fault (my husband was at teh top of the stairs and I was at the bottom). He has critisced the way I read them stories.  If there is a plastic bag left found, a knife left on the table (when I have been doing the cooking and he walks into the kitchen , he starts on at me). I might be changing a diaper and if the child is rolling around crying, he’ll come over all in patient and say,” go downstairs and get the things ready to go out, it is best that I do that (change the diaper). We might be walking down the stairs and he’ll say, hold Emily’s hand.  He’ll say what he thinks they should be wearing or not wearing.... 

Also, since the kids have been born, he has stopped doing any maintenance to the house.  He wont put up the needed cupboards (which would help to tidy up the place which is full of clutter – which is alway my fault and for me to tidy away), or put up shelves, repair things, change a light bulb (of course, I change all the accessible ones but some are difficult to get to). There are curtains,which I washed and and put the hooks back on, waiting to be put up – they have sitting on an armchair in living room for past 2 weeks (have to get heavy ladder from outside).  He said he’d do it but now when I bring it up he tells me to do it.  Yeah, I could maybe but then he’d let me do all that kind of thing and he’d simply look after kids, of course not doing what he expects me too do, the  laundry, the cooking, tidying  the house (we do have a cleaner thank goodness, but it  the time she comes isnt enough to keep whole house clean and tidy), go shopping. And It is me who has to worry about if we are overdrawn at teh bank, writting complicated administrative letters (such as trying to get reimbursed for something) etc, etc.... 

He doesnt mind taking both out into the town even though they arent easy even for him because he seems to like the attention he gets (dad alone with young twins?where is mum, and he gets admiring looks and attention)
 

I go out to work like he does and I am so tired and frustrated.  He just says, “I dont know why, I looked after kids all morning and I am one who needs to sit down” My son is all the time wanting his Papa (fortunatley, my daughter is more after mummy) which I know is normal but it can be a bit hurtful when he refuses to take my hand in the street and only holds his fathers.   

When my husband is not there the children are perfectly fine with me.