Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Hi, I am new to the message boards.  Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I have told my husband repeatedly how I feel about his lack of effort around the house.  He will help out depending on his mood or if I finally lose it because I am so frustrated.  Believe me, divorce enters my mind frequently. I think part of the issue with the lack of help is control. My husband doesn't want to be told to do anything. I think he purposely leaves things messy or doesn't clean up after himself just to get back at me.  Maybe your husband is subconsciously doing the same. Please don't expect a miracle....your husband's behavior may improve for a while, but eventually he'll slide right back to where you started. It is such a huge committment to make marriage work and we women can't create a successful marriage alone!!   

I just joined the boards, and saw some posts about how to handle life with kids and a husband who doesn't help much.  My husband is basically the same as yours, but more because of the long hours he works - sometimes as much as 90 hours a week.  So he just isn't home, and when he is, he's exhausted.  Plus, he doesn't have any good models to work with from his own family and I think a lot of times he just doesn't know how to be a good dad.  But, he's doing his best so I can't complain too much, and things have gotten a lot better now that our son is 3 and easier to interact with. 

The thing that has really helped me is finding a support group called Mothers of Preschoolers.  I have no friends or family in this area, and being involved in MOPS (as it's called) has totally changed my life... given me friends, support, and friends for my son to play with as well.  Their website is www.mops.org.  I would like to recommend them to anyone who is struggling!  It really saved my sanity and my marriage.  

Hi Brandy.  I've read all of your messages in this topic so far...  

It seems like mariage counselling is a great idea.  You and your husbad can't seem to agree on where the lines are and who is responsible for what, and your daughter is seeing how the two of you are arguing.    

Is she copying what she sees with you and your husband (you mentioned that she is rough with her baby sibling)  Also, how much structure is there with your daughter?  Does she know that A, B, and C will happen at certain points of the day?  Does she know that if she does something wrong then she will have to sit in time out for a certain amount of time or whatever?  

How much is your marriage issue infringing on your parenting with your daughter?  

These are just some of the things you need to think/ask about.  

I hope that things work out for you and your family.  

I was married to a man who  lied to me alot, even over stupid little things- and deceived me many, many times... Of course I ended up feeling just like you do now, like I was the stupid one for giving him the benefit of the doubt, over and over again. I made excuses for him all the time, but I couldn't make excuses for his 'shady' friends, just like your hubby- I got lied to and items stolen from me one too many times and finally became fed up. I didn't know what to do, though, and I thought long and hard about my situation and came to the conclusion that since I was the one tolerating being mistreated like this for so long, I probably could use some therepy. It was very hard to admit it, but I got the courage to make an appt. with a therepist, and I have never regretted it. Talking to another person about my home life took a huge amount of stress off of me, and being validated that it wasn't ME... I was guilty of holding onto a dream for too long. I kept wishing and hoping that things would change, but they never did. It didn't take very long from there to get the courage to move on without him. Nobody deserves to be lied to for so long!! You deserve to be happy and respected.  

I just got married in May this year. Instead of living as a happy couple, I have to fight for my husband spending more time with his dog.  He has this dog for more than 4 years and the dog now is about 12 year old.  He has the dog walk on the neighborhood without a leash.  The reason for him doing that is because the dog loves to being walk freely at his own pece, which is very SLOW. At the same time walking with the dog, we have to watch out for other dog on the street. His dog will jump up front to bark or attack the other dog. Sometime the dog is tired of walking on the way home, he will pick him up and put the dog in his arm and carry like a baby. Whenever he works in the garage, in his office, front or back yard, he always brings his dog beside him.  There are big pictures of the dog around the house.  In order to have extra income, we rent one room out for a student.  At the night time, my husband will leave our bedroom door not closed all the way so he can hear if the dog is barking or chocking at night.  It is nice of him to care for the dog's safety. but I have trouble to have sex with him while the door is not closed all the way. I need privacy when I am in bed.
He treats the dog like a king. I frequency feel I am the extra person and I wish I were his dog.  I am not a dog lover. It is hard for me to understand why people so in love with their dog. I really have hard time to live with this dog under the same roof.  I told my husband about my concern and difficulty to accept a dog live with us in the bedroom, on the furniture and most importantly the dog has my husband completely attention. He gave a choose the other day, accept it or leave it.