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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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September 12, 2005, 12:00 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: cenobia

Hi everyone, 

I am new here too, and I could really use some insight on a few things.   

My husband and I don't seem to get along.  We've been together for ten years, married for two now.  We have three children together, we did everything backwards.  We don't seem to enjoy eachother's company at all.  My husband works second shift so he doesn't get home till late.  About 11pm or later.  Sometimes not till three in the morning.  And I usually wait up for him so I can at least see him for a while.  If I didn't wait up, I'd see him on average of an hour a week.  He tells me he comes home late because he is avoiding me.  But I don't know why, I don't nag him about anything.  Never tell him what to do or give him chores.  I feel like I am just a maid, a prostitute and a nanny.  I don't feel like a life partner.  I ask him for advice on things, things that have to do with the entire household, and he says he can't tell me what to do so he won't give me advice.  I am responsible for waking him up for work, even though we have an alarm clock.  He won't use it.  Doesn't even know how to set it.  He says I have to ask him for hugs and kisses, he can't just give them to me because he wants to.  When we argue he always tells me to leave, that he doesn't love me, that he wants a divorce.  He makes me feel totally stupid and unworthy.  The only time he gives me any real attention is when he wants sex from me.  Then he says things about that.  He says that I'm a horrible mother, that the house is filthy and it's my standard of housekeeping not his.  But I clean all day, and sometimes yeah, there are things that aren't done, like folding the clothes.  But big deal.  He can't take the trash out, the only chore that he does have, until there are about 4 bags of trash in the kitchen.  I never say a word about it either.  The only thing he wants to do is play his stupid computer game.  And it used to be something we did together until he threw my computer on the floor.   

He wants to keep everything seperate.  He won't introduce me to his friends, even though they invite both of us out for movies and such.  He won't give me advice about things, won't meet my friends cause he says they are stupid and he doesn't care who I hang out with.  Just today I said I could use a hug and he told me to hug the ice cream man.  He says his life sucks, but by saying that, doesn't it mean that we all suck?  He won't even help me pay the bills.  He says that all he has to do is work.  And that alone should tell me he loves me.  Does he love me when he tells me I'm retarded, and that I'm stupid and have no friends cause I can't get along with anyone?  Does he love me when he tells me that I'm selfish because I wanted to go back to college to get a BA, so I could make our lives better with a better income?  Does he love me when he says that I suck in bed and that he has multiple accounts to online porn?   

I am so tired of all this stuff.  I am afraid to leave though because I don't have a job, no savings, no where to go.  We are lower middle class and we struggle every month to pay bills.  With three kids it is hard to get everything we need sometimes.   

Well thanks for reading 

Cenobia 

You have the same name as me...... I wanted to say hello!!!!! It's weird that I actually saw someone online that had the same name as me!!!

Cenobia Gomez
 
September 23, 2005, 4:21 pm CDT

Should we have a 5th child?

My husband and I have 4 children,  a 5yr.old, 4 yr.old and 11month old twins.  I just very recently found out to our surprise that we are pregnant again.  We were taken preventative measures but it did not work out.  My husband is very reluctant to proceed with this pregnancy and feels that he could not handle a fifth child.  I am still in shock but feel that a fifth child would be ok.   I stay at home and handle 80% of the day to day activities with the kids.  I know that I could handle the work load and the stress of being pregnant with 2 one year olds running around. I also know that I love being a mom and find a great deal of pride in it.   I do wonder though how another baby would affect the chemistry of our home.  Would individual attention run to thin with more kids?  Would my second child, a 4yr old girl who already  needs alot of my attention, suffer ?  Or are we not giving ourselves enough credit.  My husband and I are wonderful, loving parents who want only what is best for our family.  Do we dig a little deeper for the courage and strength it will take to add to our family or not?  I need some guidance from anyone who has been in this situation, or has 5 or more kids! Thanks
 
September 23, 2005, 7:33 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jkakjr

My husband and I have 4 children,  a 5yr.old, 4 yr.old and 11month old twins.  I just very recently found out to our surprise that we are pregnant again.  We were taken preventative measures but it did not work out.  My husband is very reluctant to proceed with this pregnancy and feels that he could not handle a fifth child.  I am still in shock but feel that a fifth child would be ok.   I stay at home and handle 80% of the day to day activities with the kids.  I know that I could handle the work load and the stress of being pregnant with 2 one year olds running around. I also know that I love being a mom and find a great deal of pride in it.   I do wonder though how another baby would affect the chemistry of our home.  Would individual attention run to thin with more kids?  Would my second child, a 4yr old girl who already  needs alot of my attention, suffer ?  Or are we not giving ourselves enough credit.  My husband and I are wonderful, loving parents who want only what is best for our family.  Do we dig a little deeper for the courage and strength it will take to add to our family or not?  I need some guidance from anyone who has been in this situation, or has 5 or more kids! Thanks
Well, it isn't the child's fault that he/she was formed and I think if you have love and the ability to care for this child, why not? Raising children is not the easiest job in the world regardless of how many one has, but it certainly is the most rewarding.what is in your heart to do? I hope you are not considering abortion as I believe that is cruel especially when it comes out of not wanting to care for the child, and that is nothing but a cop out. If you do decide that you do not have the strength and courage to take care of another child, (and of course I think it something the two of you need to work out together), then I would reccomend thinking about a nice family who love a child, there are so many couples out there who can't have children and would make wonderful parents. If it were me, I would want to keep my baby, of course I am one who has always wanted a big family. Follow your heart and do what is right for the child, he/she certainly deserves the best .....................................
 
September 24, 2005, 5:02 am CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jettav

Well, it isn't the child's fault that he/she was formed and I think if you have love and the ability to care for this child, why not? Raising children is not the easiest job in the world regardless of how many one has, but it certainly is the most rewarding.what is in your heart to do? I hope you are not considering abortion as I believe that is cruel especially when it comes out of not wanting to care for the child, and that is nothing but a cop out. If you do decide that you do not have the strength and courage to take care of another child, (and of course I think it something the two of you need to work out together), then I would reccomend thinking about a nice family who love a child, there are so many couples out there who can't have children and would make wonderful parents. If it were me, I would want to keep my baby, of course I am one who has always wanted a big family. Follow your heart and do what is right for the child, he/she certainly deserves the best .....................................
Thank-you for your thoughts.  I believe that as the shock wears off of my husband that he too will realize that we can do this and that we have the love and the ability to raise a fifth child.  I was looking at a pros and cons list that I wrote and it still comes down to the fact that he/she is our baby and that is all that matters.  God will never give me more than I can handle!  Thank-you.
 
September 30, 2005, 5:05 pm CDT

Forgive, serve, and love

I understand that it is really unpleasant to have an unhappy marriage, and the last thing you want to do is make yourself feel worse, but I promise that thinking about all of the reasons why your husband is no good is not going to solve anything.  It might feel like something is temporarily being accomplished by putting the blame on someone else (even if a lot is their fault!), but the BEST thing anyone can do is to forgive, and serve.  Even when there's no excuse for him to not take out the garbage, FORGIVE ANYWAY.  The best thing anyone can do to better a relationship is serve the other person.  If your husband isn't helping out around the house, write him a love letter,  Bake him cookies.  Tape his favorite show if he's missed it.  Just do nice things for him.  If you don't have time to do these things, they will mean even more if you can squeeze them in.  Eventually, even if it takes a long time, his heart will soften and you will feel the love reciprocated, or you will at least feel better and more confident about talking about how to improve the relationship.  Be patient and loving, and if he's got any heart in him, he'll be bound to notice a change.  Stick with it!  Good luck! 

 
September 30, 2005, 6:53 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: nwlywd2

I understand that it is really unpleasant to have an unhappy marriage, and the last thing you want to do is make yourself feel worse, but I promise that thinking about all of the reasons why your husband is no good is not going to solve anything.  It might feel like something is temporarily being accomplished by putting the blame on someone else (even if a lot is their fault!), but the BEST thing anyone can do is to forgive, and serve.  Even when there's no excuse for him to not take out the garbage, FORGIVE ANYWAY.  The best thing anyone can do to better a relationship is serve the other person.  If your husband isn't helping out around the house, write him a love letter,  Bake him cookies.  Tape his favorite show if he's missed it.  Just do nice things for him.  If you don't have time to do these things, they will mean even more if you can squeeze them in.  Eventually, even if it takes a long time, his heart will soften and you will feel the love reciprocated, or you will at least feel better and more confident about talking about how to improve the relationship.  Be patient and loving, and if he's got any heart in him, he'll be bound to notice a change.  Stick with it!  Good luck! 

I agree with you and though it is not always easy humbling ourselves like this, it does work. it seems like men especially just doesn't always get it. I have ways of getting my hubby to do things like with the garbage, I bag it up and it is ready to go out when he gets home from workm that is the first thing he does. Also having a list of things that need to be done posted on the refrig helps as well, then he knows what needs to be done and when he is up to it he can figure out what he can do. Any way, marriage isn't always easy and sometimes it seems like I am the only one in mine but I have learned that I must do everything I possibly can to make things happen in my marriage, I think sometimes it is all in the attitude and I personally have seen the difference when it comes to my attitude.
 
October 1, 2005, 10:21 am CDT

to share or not share the chores

Do any of you have any advice for me on this topic here's some info. on our situation.   

  

I stay at home and have a 7 1/2 month old and am expecting(surprise birth control doesn't work for me) 

  

My husband works, I quit my nursing job when Lilly was born. 

  

He thinks in addition to taking care of our wonderful daughter all day I should do all the housework and cooking. He used to help out when we were first married and Lilly was born but now all of that has changed.  

  

He won't even talk to me about it he's always " busy ". He told me the other night I really didn't work and my "job" wasn't that hard. He doesn't understand why I'm so tired and why I'm not really interested in sex anymore.  

  

I'm sick of his smart aleck comments towards me and ignoring the problem why would I want to share something special like sex; when I'd be faking it because I feel like a slave.  

  

I don't feel like his wife and partner anymore at all. Please help us if you can  

Thanks, 

Stephanie  

 
October 2, 2005, 1:12 pm CDT

getting it off my shoulders.

I just wanted to get something off my shoulders. A few days ago I had posted a message in the friends board about wanting to leave my husband. I got some good advice from some people which I did appreciate getting replys back. Today I am really  upset, mad, frustrated, confused and sore. I am sporting a black eye and bruises on my body from my husband who decided to go out drinking with some friends on Friday evening. I ended up being the end of his frustration. I am at a loss now as I do not know what my next step is. My son was a witness to most of it that night, and I am now worried about his emotional being. My mother in law did come over the next day and had a talk with him and convinced him he needs to go to A.A. and then asked me if I would support him if he went. I said I would support him but I no longer want to be with him. It has been about a year since the last time he had hit me, so that part isn't a regular thing but his drinking problem is and I want to move on without him. I have gotten to a point where I hate the weekends and comming home after work because we work together at the same place and I see him 24/7. I just do not want to be in this house with him anymore and I have asked him to leave and get help but he will not leave, so it is basically up to me to take that step.  I am scared for myself and my kids and want to move on, I just do not know where to start or how to go about it. I cannot just move out as I have no money and I have no family or friends who can help me deal with this. The sad thing is, that on Monday I am going to have to go into work with this black eye and face everyone. I am embarrased to be seen with this thing let alone have to answer questions about it. I cannot lie about it and I know that all our coworkers will figure it out as it isn't that hard to figure out. I am at a loss right now. I hope someone can give me some positive feed back as anything positive will be nice to hear right about now. Thanks for reading.
 
October 3, 2005, 8:56 am CDT

abusive husband

Quote From: jyakfour

I just wanted to get something off my shoulders. A few days ago I had posted a message in the friends board about wanting to leave my husband. I got some good advice from some people which I did appreciate getting replys back. Today I am really  upset, mad, frustrated, confused and sore. I am sporting a black eye and bruises on my body from my husband who decided to go out drinking with some friends on Friday evening. I ended up being the end of his frustration. I am at a loss now as I do not know what my next step is. My son was a witness to most of it that night, and I am now worried about his emotional being. My mother in law did come over the next day and had a talk with him and convinced him he needs to go to A.A. and then asked me if I would support him if he went. I said I would support him but I no longer want to be with him. It has been about a year since the last time he had hit me, so that part isn't a regular thing but his drinking problem is and I want to move on without him. I have gotten to a point where I hate the weekends and comming home after work because we work together at the same place and I see him 24/7. I just do not want to be in this house with him anymore and I have asked him to leave and get help but he will not leave, so it is basically up to me to take that step.  I am scared for myself and my kids and want to move on, I just do not know where to start or how to go about it. I cannot just move out as I have no money and I have no family or friends who can help me deal with this. The sad thing is, that on Monday I am going to have to go into work with this black eye and face everyone. I am embarrased to be seen with this thing let alone have to answer questions about it. I cannot lie about it and I know that all our coworkers will figure it out as it isn't that hard to figure out. I am at a loss right now. I hope someone can give me some positive feed back as anything positive will be nice to hear right about now. Thanks for reading.
Just ovver ten years ago I was pretty much in your shoes. I wanted to give my abusive husband the benefit of the doubt, and I did, over and over... only to be dissapointed every time. He took advantage of my caring nature. I held on for a long time because of my own serious, deep denial about what was going on, even when it was obvious to so many others- like in your case.. people at your job will know. Will he be shamed for hitting you by your co-workers, I wonder? Or will nobody say a thing to him? Your husband is a coward, any man who puts his hands on a woman is a coward. He likes the fact that you are trapped with him and he would like very much to keep things this way. You've got to take your personal power back NOW! Its not too late to go to the police right now and make a report about the incident on Friday, they will take pictures of your black eye and bruises, and you can file a restraining order on him; that will make him have to move out. He can't have any contact with you at all if you do that, and I highly urge you to do it!! This is what I had to do to get away from my abusive exhusband. At the time, even though I was bruised and in physical pain, I still felt sorry for him!! But the police here in my state are the ones who pressed the charges, not me- I did decide to get a restraining order, though, so that he would have to leave me alone. He had no choice but to leave me alone, and I truly believe that was the only way I could have ever gotten away from him. Please I urge you to take your power back NOW, don't wait another minute. Go to your local police station and file an assault report, they will explain all the procedures to you involved in a restraining order. If you are serious about moving forward in your life without him, and I think that you are, then this is what you need to do to get your power back. I wish you the best!! Also, look in your phone book for battered women's support hotlines, etc., just having someone to talk to and to vent to can help you very much, too.
 
October 3, 2005, 1:05 pm CDT

police

Quote From: jyakfour

I just wanted to get something off my shoulders. A few days ago I had posted a message in the friends board about wanting to leave my husband. I got some good advice from some people which I did appreciate getting replys back. Today I am really  upset, mad, frustrated, confused and sore. I am sporting a black eye and bruises on my body from my husband who decided to go out drinking with some friends on Friday evening. I ended up being the end of his frustration. I am at a loss now as I do not know what my next step is. My son was a witness to most of it that night, and I am now worried about his emotional being. My mother in law did come over the next day and had a talk with him and convinced him he needs to go to A.A. and then asked me if I would support him if he went. I said I would support him but I no longer want to be with him. It has been about a year since the last time he had hit me, so that part isn't a regular thing but his drinking problem is and I want to move on without him. I have gotten to a point where I hate the weekends and comming home after work because we work together at the same place and I see him 24/7. I just do not want to be in this house with him anymore and I have asked him to leave and get help but he will not leave, so it is basically up to me to take that step.  I am scared for myself and my kids and want to move on, I just do not know where to start or how to go about it. I cannot just move out as I have no money and I have no family or friends who can help me deal with this. The sad thing is, that on Monday I am going to have to go into work with this black eye and face everyone. I am embarrased to be seen with this thing let alone have to answer questions about it. I cannot lie about it and I know that all our coworkers will figure it out as it isn't that hard to figure out. I am at a loss right now. I hope someone can give me some positive feed back as anything positive will be nice to hear right about now. Thanks for reading.
I agree with the other advise you recvd.  Contact the police, file a report.  You say his behavior and abuse is not regular?  When is it regular, if he hits you once, shame on him, he needs to get help.  If HE hits you again, charges need to filed and get him out of your file NOW!  Why Wait, for what?  PLEASE don't let him do this to you.  You have be strong and let him be the a$$ that he is.  Contact the police and find someone that can help you, ie family, friends, doctors, hotlines!  Good luck!
 
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