Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Hi everyone, 

I am new here too, and I could really use some insight on a few things.   

My husband and I don't seem to get along.  We've been together for ten years, married for two now.  We have three children together, we did everything backwards.  We don't seem to enjoy eachother's company at all.  My husband works second shift so he doesn't get home till late.  About 11pm or later.  Sometimes not till three in the morning.  And I usually wait up for him so I can at least see him for a while.  If I didn't wait up, I'd see him on average of an hour a week.  He tells me he comes home late because he is avoiding me.  But I don't know why, I don't nag him about anything.  Never tell him what to do or give him chores.  I feel like I am just a maid, a prostitute and a nanny.  I don't feel like a life partner.  I ask him for advice on things, things that have to do with the entire household, and he says he can't tell me what to do so he won't give me advice.  I am responsible for waking him up for work, even though we have an alarm clock.  He won't use it.  Doesn't even know how to set it.  He says I have to ask him for hugs and kisses, he can't just give them to me because he wants to.  When we argue he always tells me to leave, that he doesn't love me, that he wants a divorce.  He makes me feel totally stupid and unworthy.  The only time he gives me any real attention is when he wants sex from me.  Then he says things about that.  He says that I'm a horrible mother, that the house is filthy and it's my standard of housekeeping not his.  But I clean all day, and sometimes yeah, there are things that aren't done, like folding the clothes.  But big deal.  He can't take the trash out, the only chore that he does have, until there are about 4 bags of trash in the kitchen.  I never say a word about it either.  The only thing he wants to do is play his stupid computer game.  And it used to be something we did together until he threw my computer on the floor.   

He wants to keep everything seperate.  He won't introduce me to his friends, even though they invite both of us out for movies and such.  He won't give me advice about things, won't meet my friends cause he says they are stupid and he doesn't care who I hang out with.  Just today I said I could use a hug and he told me to hug the ice cream man.  He says his life sucks, but by saying that, doesn't it mean that we all suck?  He won't even help me pay the bills.  He says that all he has to do is work.  And that alone should tell me he loves me.  Does he love me when he tells me I'm retarded, and that I'm stupid and have no friends cause I can't get along with anyone?  Does he love me when he tells me that I'm selfish because I wanted to go back to college to get a BA, so I could make our lives better with a better income?  Does he love me when he says that I suck in bed and that he has multiple accounts to online porn?   

I am so tired of all this stuff.  I am afraid to leave though because I don't have a job, no savings, no where to go.  We are lower middle class and we struggle every month to pay bills.  With three kids it is hard to get everything we need sometimes.   

Well thanks for reading 

Cenobia 

I understand that it is really unpleasant to have an unhappy marriage, and the last thing you want to do is make yourself feel worse, but I promise that thinking about all of the reasons why your husband is no good is not going to solve anything.  It might feel like something is temporarily being accomplished by putting the blame on someone else (even if a lot is their fault!), but the BEST thing anyone can do is to forgive, and serve.  Even when there's no excuse for him to not take out the garbage, FORGIVE ANYWAY.  The best thing anyone can do to better a relationship is serve the other person.  If your husband isn't helping out around the house, write him a love letter,  Bake him cookies.  Tape his favorite show if he's missed it.  Just do nice things for him.  If you don't have time to do these things, they will mean even more if you can squeeze them in.  Eventually, even if it takes a long time, his heart will soften and you will feel the love reciprocated, or you will at least feel better and more confident about talking about how to improve the relationship.  Be patient and loving, and if he's got any heart in him, he'll be bound to notice a change.  Stick with it!  Good luck!