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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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October 4, 2005, 2:19 am CDT

YOU CAN DO IT!

Quote From: jkakjr

My husband and I have 4 children,  a 5yr.old, 4 yr.old and 11month old twins.  I just very recently found out to our surprise that we are pregnant again.  We were taken preventative measures but it did not work out.  My husband is very reluctant to proceed with this pregnancy and feels that he could not handle a fifth child.  I am still in shock but feel that a fifth child would be ok.   I stay at home and handle 80% of the day to day activities with the kids.  I know that I could handle the work load and the stress of being pregnant with 2 one year olds running around. I also know that I love being a mom and find a great deal of pride in it.   I do wonder though how another baby would affect the chemistry of our home.  Would individual attention run to thin with more kids?  Would my second child, a 4yr old girl who already  needs alot of my attention, suffer ?  Or are we not giving ourselves enough credit.  My husband and I are wonderful, loving parents who want only what is best for our family.  Do we dig a little deeper for the courage and strength it will take to add to our family or not?  I need some guidance from anyone who has been in this situation, or has 5 or more kids! Thanks
 I think it is wonderful you are asking yourselves all those questions about if your 4 year old would suffer and all that. Now you can start planning what to do to help him/her out! I grew up in a family of 5 kids. I was second to last and finding individual attention from my parents was not difficult. They were devoted loving parents and from what I read you are too. You never know how this fifth child will bless your lives, but it will. And the lives of your other children! Who knows! Maybe this child will be your 4 year old's best friend! Why deny your siblings the blessing of another sibling? I think your life will be even better. Yes, harder.....as it is bringing a child at any time is....but it will be wonderful and I know you'll be fine. You can be SUPERMOM!!! If you can handle twins, you can handle anything! ha ha ha. Good luck to ya!!!
 
October 7, 2005, 7:19 am CDT

unhappy

I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids age 9,8 and 4.  So their are 5 in my family but we also live with my brother in law and his daughter and also his other daughter comes home for school sometimes.  But now he has a girl friend that stay over all the time.  Things around here get pretty crazy for me.  So my husband work outside of the home but then when he comes home he works outside since we live on a farm.  It is only a hobby farm, so we have some horse and goat, rabbit and a few other animals.  The problem is that I am the only one that does anything in this house.  I feel like everybody looks at me as the house keeper and the cook.  I told my husband many times that i am not happy here with things.  You see he loves it, this is he dream.  He does nothing to help me with the kids, he spends most of his time away from us.  I just feel that i can't do it anymore.  Last week i told him that we need to have a family day so he said that he will plan something well guess what we did on Sunday?  We spend 4 hours in the van just driving around so I said to him let's take the kids bowling and he said no that he didn't feel like it.  That did it for me I got so upset.  So we dropped him of at home and I took my kids to a movie.  I just feel that we are interferring with his life.  I cry eveyday cause I thought that life would be different for me.  So if someone has any advise to me please help.  I am really thinking about get my own apartment  and leaving him and start making a life for me and my children.  My kids love living her so what I was thinking about doing was just leaving and come to the house in the morning and getting my children ready for school and then come back after school and getting them dinner, then once he gets home i would leave so this way he has to spend time with his children.   

  

 
October 7, 2005, 7:44 am CDT

feelings

Quote From: mom_3kids

I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids age 9,8 and 4.  So their are 5 in my family but we also live with my brother in law and his daughter and also his other daughter comes home for school sometimes.  But now he has a girl friend that stay over all the time.  Things around here get pretty crazy for me.  So my husband work outside of the home but then when he comes home he works outside since we live on a farm.  It is only a hobby farm, so we have some horse and goat, rabbit and a few other animals.  The problem is that I am the only one that does anything in this house.  I feel like everybody looks at me as the house keeper and the cook.  I told my husband many times that i am not happy here with things.  You see he loves it, this is he dream.  He does nothing to help me with the kids, he spends most of his time away from us.  I just feel that i can't do it anymore.  Last week i told him that we need to have a family day so he said that he will plan something well guess what we did on Sunday?  We spend 4 hours in the van just driving around so I said to him let's take the kids bowling and he said no that he didn't feel like it.  That did it for me I got so upset.  So we dropped him of at home and I took my kids to a movie.  I just feel that we are interferring with his life.  I cry eveyday cause I thought that life would be different for me.  So if someone has any advise to me please help.  I am really thinking about get my own apartment  and leaving him and start making a life for me and my children.  My kids love living her so what I was thinking about doing was just leaving and come to the house in the morning and getting my children ready for school and then come back after school and getting them dinner, then once he gets home i would leave so this way he has to spend time with his children.   

  

You need to sit him down ONE more time.  And explain to him that you are done with this entire situation.  Tell him you need a husband and the kids need a Father!  He can't have it all his way all of the time. You need to comprise, his love for the farm is OK but he needs to put you and his family first.  You need to step up and tell those other living with you that they need to chip in with the household chores.  NO reason you should be their maid and cook, no way!   

Look for an apartment, have one picked out when you talk to your husband.  Tell him that you have found a way to live your life the way YOU want to this time but you would rather work it out with him. But if he can't give you 100% guarantee that he will try to make it work, then tell him you are leasing the apartment and will get a job if you have to.  But you can no longer, live only by his rules.  That is not a marriage.  Good Luck!  Don't give up on what you want in life.  Life is TOOOO short. 

 
October 7, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

Relationship Rescue Book

Hi, 

  I just registered here, and it's my first post, so I hope I came to the right board for this. I didn't know where else to go. 

  I am currently doing the Relationship Rescue book at the request of my wife, who has not done it yet herself. I am on page 176 and have actively kept a written journal the whole time, following Dr. Phil's advice of write freely, this is for your eyes only. So, I've taken great pains to guard it from prying eyes. Now, after writing freely and privately, he is guiding the "student" to share the journal! I feel like he took a 180 dgree turn in the book. I don't think I can do that, or should. I was under the impression while writing, that it was private, so I unloaded stuff I don't think is right to share with her. 

  What do I do? I'm panicking here. She's hounding me to finish the book. Any suggestions?   

 
October 7, 2005, 10:21 pm CDT

Marriage and deployment

I would like to see a show about the difficulties of being married to a reservist that is deployed.  My husband is in the Air Force reserves, and is deployed in Texas because of the Hurricanes.  I am thankful that he was sent there instead of Afghanistan , where he was supposed to go next month.  But he has been gone for over 3 months, some of which he was on active duty at our local base (the arguments - oh man).  I love him so much, but I'm not looking forward to the adjustments and fighting when he comes home next month.  I have no idea how the children and wives of those overseas manage when their husbands come home. Is there are way for them to come home without all the stress and fighting? 

  

 

 
October 9, 2005, 9:20 am CDT

feeling sorry for myself?

I'm a message board virgin, so I hope I'm doing this right.   

     Have you ever gazed into the stars and asked God why he hates you so much? That you feel he has finally given you more than you can handle?  Have you ever asked him to just take you and get it over with that those in your life would be better off without you?  Yes, I'm down and no, I'm not going to off myself.  I'm a person with very bad luck.  I've got the typical financial and marital issues.  Just a few examples of bad luck - my dog ate my car (down to the metal of the seat), my roof leaks to the point I get woken up in my bed by drips of rain, and by far one of the worst our furnace started on fire 2 days before Christmas leaving us to heat our house by small electric heaters all winter.  Oh yea...it just so happened to be 20 below for a month.  Since we're a two income family that is just getting by, I can't save any money to fix up the house, the car, or anything for that matter.  I've thought about writing Extreme makeover or Oprah's dream come true, but then curse myself because I still have more than many.  As for the marital issues, all seems well until we fight.  I love my husband dearly, but he's mean when we argue.  Not physical, but verbal.  He goes for the digs.  Which I why I guess I'm asking for advise/feedback.  Yesterday, he's gone for a 10 hr class and stops by for a few after.  That bothered me so I confronted him.  Was I wrong to be bothered?  Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He wasn't drunk, but I assume feeling a comfortable buzz.  All hell broke lose.  I told him that I do almost everything around our house and feel unappreciated.  He's hollering that I'm lazy, a worthless mother and a worthless wife and the next time I travel to not come home (I travel about 2 weeks out of the year).  He proceeds to tell me that he can't do anything right in my eyes and his life sucks.  I begin to cry - not because I want to but because I couldn't hold back.  He then corners me to the wall, goes nose to nose, and just hollers at the top of his lungs 'oh I want to hit you...oh so bad'.  Then pulls his fist back and stops right at my cheek 'but I'm not like that'.  Whatever. His goal accomplished, I'm left feeling that once again it's an overreaction on my part.  I'm by no means perfect and try to work on those imperfections.  We fight about the same stuff over and over again.  Mostly it's when he goes out.  Am I jealous because I don't get an opportunity to do the same?  Am I angry because he works harder at going out by himself than trying to take me out?  Am I angry because he's such a great dad and an OK husband?  Am I frustrated because my house is always messy despite my efforts to keep it clean?  Am I tired of having to chose to stay home and clean while my husband and 2 kids go off to watch football, eat, drink, and be merry (kids not drinking).  How can I get my husband to understand that he doesn't fight fair when he doesn't see himself doing anything wrong?  I could go on and on, and I'm sure the answer to all the questions is 'YES'.  But my biggest question is how do I fix it?  How can I find the balance of his needs and mine?  I don't have expectations that people 'take sides' - I've got issues too.  I'd like to find the happiness that puts the bounce back in my step instead of feeling that life is getting the better of me. 

 
October 9, 2005, 2:11 pm CDT

Thank you all for your help!

Thank you all for your advice!! I really appreciated it all. I just wanted to let you know that my husband has gone to AA and is continuing to go and get the help he needs for his illness. I am still at home with him and have separated myself from him to figure out what I need to do to continue on for the sake of myself and the kids. I know that this may sound like a dumb decision on my part, but the support that my husband has been given by a man at our work who is also a recovering alcoholic of 15 yrs who is a member of AA has been there to work the steps out with my husband. I know that it is difficult for anyone who is not an alcoholic to understand that it is a disease and the only person to come to terms with this disease is my husband and him alone and that my main concern for me is me alone and I am working on that. I have sought advice from proffessionals in regards to my situation and they are helping me through the transition. I haven't changed my mind in terms of leaving him permanently, but with the personal support I am getting will help me decide what is best for me and the kids right now.  Your advice has opened my eyes in terms of helping me make my mind and I thank you all for that. I am so glad there is people out there who are truly concerned for others even though we may never meet but know that  if there is someone to talk to and get advice I know I can rely on these message boards. Thank you again for all your support and understanding and advice. I am on the road to my personal recovery and I hope that it will be a fufilling road for me and the kids.
 
October 9, 2005, 9:50 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: savanna

I'm a message board virgin, so I hope I'm doing this right.   

     Have you ever gazed into the stars and asked God why he hates you so much? That you feel he has finally given you more than you can handle?  Have you ever asked him to just take you and get it over with that those in your life would be better off without you?  Yes, I'm down and no, I'm not going to off myself.  I'm a person with very bad luck.  I've got the typical financial and marital issues.  Just a few examples of bad luck - my dog ate my car (down to the metal of the seat), my roof leaks to the point I get woken up in my bed by drips of rain, and by far one of the worst our furnace started on fire 2 days before Christmas leaving us to heat our house by small electric heaters all winter.  Oh yea...it just so happened to be 20 below for a month.  Since we're a two income family that is just getting by, I can't save any money to fix up the house, the car, or anything for that matter.  I've thought about writing Extreme makeover or Oprah's dream come true, but then curse myself because I still have more than many.  As for the marital issues, all seems well until we fight.  I love my husband dearly, but he's mean when we argue.  Not physical, but verbal.  He goes for the digs.  Which I why I guess I'm asking for advise/feedback.  Yesterday, he's gone for a 10 hr class and stops by for a few after.  That bothered me so I confronted him.  Was I wrong to be bothered?  Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He wasn't drunk, but I assume feeling a comfortable buzz.  All hell broke lose.  I told him that I do almost everything around our house and feel unappreciated.  He's hollering that I'm lazy, a worthless mother and a worthless wife and the next time I travel to not come home (I travel about 2 weeks out of the year).  He proceeds to tell me that he can't do anything right in my eyes and his life sucks.  I begin to cry - not because I want to but because I couldn't hold back.  He then corners me to the wall, goes nose to nose, and just hollers at the top of his lungs 'oh I want to hit you...oh so bad'.  Then pulls his fist back and stops right at my cheek 'but I'm not like that'.  Whatever. His goal accomplished, I'm left feeling that once again it's an overreaction on my part.  I'm by no means perfect and try to work on those imperfections.  We fight about the same stuff over and over again.  Mostly it's when he goes out.  Am I jealous because I don't get an opportunity to do the same?  Am I angry because he works harder at going out by himself than trying to take me out?  Am I angry because he's such a great dad and an OK husband?  Am I frustrated because my house is always messy despite my efforts to keep it clean?  Am I tired of having to chose to stay home and clean while my husband and 2 kids go off to watch football, eat, drink, and be merry (kids not drinking).  How can I get my husband to understand that he doesn't fight fair when he doesn't see himself doing anything wrong?  I could go on and on, and I'm sure the answer to all the questions is 'YES'.  But my biggest question is how do I fix it?  How can I find the balance of his needs and mine?  I don't have expectations that people 'take sides' - I've got issues too.  I'd like to find the happiness that puts the bounce back in my step instead of feeling that life is getting the better of me. 

yes, you are being abused and remember, we teach people how to treat us, so I suggest that though it may be a hard thing, you must stick up for your self. I agree with everything that the figureitout has said to you. Please try to get help for you and your children. If you can find a different place for you and your children to live, then I would suggest that you do this, Maybe find a place and then while your husabnd is at work, gather up what the kids and you will need and then write your husband a little note on how you are feeling and that you and the kids have moved out that until he realizes that he needs help and willing to get it and sincere about your relationship that and that you can see the difference in him then you will not be back. Maybe by doing this and he comes home to an empty house (his family), he will realize what he has done and remember actions speal louder then words. I am 100% for marriage and believe that it takes two people to make it happy and loving and successful, and I believe that usually, iy =t is both partners contributing to the problems, maybe one more then the othere, but it certainly takes two for a marriage to happen and no one is perfect, I would suggest that you get hte help that you need, counseling, reading material such as relationship rescue, whatever you need to do to help fix your marriage, you certainly cannot change him but you can work on yourself and maybe if he sees how much you really care he will be motivateda s well to seee his part in a,, this and seek out the help that he needs. But the first thing you need to do is to get you and your children in a safe place out of that home, don't let him treat you like this, stand up for your self. Is there any one that can help you? Remember, that marriage is about love and respect and if you are afraid of your partner for whatever reason then something is definetly wrong and some one has to make the first step in fixing it, don't wait until he really loses it!
 
October 10, 2005, 8:00 am CDT

not the best idea

Quote From: mom_3kids

I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids age 9,8 and 4.  So their are 5 in my family but we also live with my brother in law and his daughter and also his other daughter comes home for school sometimes.  But now he has a girl friend that stay over all the time.  Things around here get pretty crazy for me.  So my husband work outside of the home but then when he comes home he works outside since we live on a farm.  It is only a hobby farm, so we have some horse and goat, rabbit and a few other animals.  The problem is that I am the only one that does anything in this house.  I feel like everybody looks at me as the house keeper and the cook.  I told my husband many times that i am not happy here with things.  You see he loves it, this is he dream.  He does nothing to help me with the kids, he spends most of his time away from us.  I just feel that i can't do it anymore.  Last week i told him that we need to have a family day so he said that he will plan something well guess what we did on Sunday?  We spend 4 hours in the van just driving around so I said to him let's take the kids bowling and he said no that he didn't feel like it.  That did it for me I got so upset.  So we dropped him of at home and I took my kids to a movie.  I just feel that we are interferring with his life.  I cry eveyday cause I thought that life would be different for me.  So if someone has any advise to me please help.  I am really thinking about get my own apartment  and leaving him and start making a life for me and my children.  My kids love living her so what I was thinking about doing was just leaving and come to the house in the morning and getting my children ready for school and then come back after school and getting them dinner, then once he gets home i would leave so this way he has to spend time with his children.   

  

Getting your own apartment and going to get the kids, then leaving again isn't such a good idea. I don't think that will work for your children I think it will confuse them. I think you need to step up for yourself. NO ONE's marriage is what they thought it would be. Griping to your husband about how unhappy you are doesn't work. Trust me.. I was so unhappy and the minute I did something for myself and, looked at myself instead of blaming him... it all started to change for me.  I'm no longer doing it all myself my husband see's I'm much happier so he wants to be around me and my children. DOn't leave your problems won't change and you'll still be the same.
 
October 10, 2005, 12:02 pm CDT

Been there and am seeing that.

Quote From: savanna

I'm a message board virgin, so I hope I'm doing this right.   

     Have you ever gazed into the stars and asked God why he hates you so much? That you feel he has finally given you more than you can handle?  Have you ever asked him to just take you and get it over with that those in your life would be better off without you?  Yes, I'm down and no, I'm not going to off myself.  I'm a person with very bad luck.  I've got the typical financial and marital issues.  Just a few examples of bad luck - my dog ate my car (down to the metal of the seat), my roof leaks to the point I get woken up in my bed by drips of rain, and by far one of the worst our furnace started on fire 2 days before Christmas leaving us to heat our house by small electric heaters all winter.  Oh yea...it just so happened to be 20 below for a month.  Since we're a two income family that is just getting by, I can't save any money to fix up the house, the car, or anything for that matter.  I've thought about writing Extreme makeover or Oprah's dream come true, but then curse myself because I still have more than many.  As for the marital issues, all seems well until we fight.  I love my husband dearly, but he's mean when we argue.  Not physical, but verbal.  He goes for the digs.  Which I why I guess I'm asking for advise/feedback.  Yesterday, he's gone for a 10 hr class and stops by for a few after.  That bothered me so I confronted him.  Was I wrong to be bothered?  Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He wasn't drunk, but I assume feeling a comfortable buzz.  All hell broke lose.  I told him that I do almost everything around our house and feel unappreciated.  He's hollering that I'm lazy, a worthless mother and a worthless wife and the next time I travel to not come home (I travel about 2 weeks out of the year).  He proceeds to tell me that he can't do anything right in my eyes and his life sucks.  I begin to cry - not because I want to but because I couldn't hold back.  He then corners me to the wall, goes nose to nose, and just hollers at the top of his lungs 'oh I want to hit you...oh so bad'.  Then pulls his fist back and stops right at my cheek 'but I'm not like that'.  Whatever. His goal accomplished, I'm left feeling that once again it's an overreaction on my part.  I'm by no means perfect and try to work on those imperfections.  We fight about the same stuff over and over again.  Mostly it's when he goes out.  Am I jealous because I don't get an opportunity to do the same?  Am I angry because he works harder at going out by himself than trying to take me out?  Am I angry because he's such a great dad and an OK husband?  Am I frustrated because my house is always messy despite my efforts to keep it clean?  Am I tired of having to chose to stay home and clean while my husband and 2 kids go off to watch football, eat, drink, and be merry (kids not drinking).  How can I get my husband to understand that he doesn't fight fair when he doesn't see himself doing anything wrong?  I could go on and on, and I'm sure the answer to all the questions is 'YES'.  But my biggest question is how do I fix it?  How can I find the balance of his needs and mine?  I don't have expectations that people 'take sides' - I've got issues too.  I'd like to find the happiness that puts the bounce back in my step instead of feeling that life is getting the better of me. 

Hi Savannah. I know what your feeling, because I am going through the same thing. My hubby is verbally abusive and for the last week I have been walking around with a black eye for the first time in a long time. My hubby is a binge drinker, meaning he only drinks to get drunk on the weekends. Last weekend was my final breaking point. With intervention from his mom, we got him to admit he has a problem and now he has started to attend AA. I am still at a point of not really knowing what to do or where to go at this point and like you I am confused and angry, upset and a whole bunch of other feelings are flooding through me right now. I also left a message on the board and got really good advice from "figureitout" too. I hope you have someone to turn to and get the help you need. I would suggest leaving the a** and start a new life of freedom. Freedom is priceless and for that everyone deserves to live a free life away from abuse, alcoholism, and personal depression. Remember this, Alcoholism is a disease which is hereditary, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! It is your hubby's problem and he is the only one that can fix this!!! He must get help or he will loose everything including you and the kids!!!! If he cherishes his kids at least, he has to wake up and smell the coffee and until he realizes that he has an addiction to alcohol, you must get out before something terrible happens to you or the kids. It will not get any better, only worse, until he gets help. I really feel for you and most certainly relate. I hope the best for you. If you want to chat, you can email me at y2guard40@yahoo.com. I will be glad to listen and share thoughts. Good luck.
 
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