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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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October 10, 2005, 10:07 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been arguing all day. It first started when I woke up to see that our 7month old son had no formula and my husband took ALL the money to work with him except what he had in our safety deposit box at home. I got in it and got some money out to get our son some formula because I could not get intouch with my husband. When my husband finally called I had already left the house so I told him what I did and he got very mad at me for taking the money(even though it was to get our son formula). When he got mad and started yelling at me over the phone I told him that I have had it with his attitude and told him I was going to leave so we (me and our kids) wouldnt be such an incovience to him anymore. When I got home to get some stuff together he wasnt here so I had some time to cool off and think about things before I left. I found out he had taken ALL the money in the safety box to work with him well he took the whole box.  On top of him not helping me with the kids and the household chores he wants to be an ass about the money and stuff. I am so stressed out all the time i find myself crying. I wrote my husband an email to tell him we needed to sit down and talk about our problems. When he got home he read it and I basically wasted my time and made my carpal tunnel flare up by typing it. He didnt want to talk about anything he just wanted to sit infront of the computer and let people tell him how to spend his money(money that we dont really have). I asked him to get up and pick his military gear up and put all of it in one spot...That doesnt get done he is sleeping in the recliner right now like I never asked him to do anything. I am at my wits end. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to talk about our problems he never wants to spend anytime together. He would rather sleep than spend time with his family.  I need some help....Do I leave and make him realize he has a great family? or do I wait and see if things will get better. I have left before but he told me he was going to kill himself so all of our money problems will go away and our kids will never have to want for anything because if he dies I get 250,000 $. That just broke my heart because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HELP ME PLEASE!!!

You have every right to feel the way you do. And with that, don't let him manipulate you into staying. If he uses the excuse about killing himself then inform him that the insurance won't pay if it is suicide so therefore not only would he be adding more grief to yours and your children's life, you would still have your money situation. I noticed that you said something about his "military gear." The military offers all kinds of programs where you can get counseling for free. They even have financial counseling. If he refuses to go then at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage. I don't know what branch of the military you are but if you will get in contact with your post inspector general (IG) then they can tell you who you need to get in contact with to set up the counseling. It is worth a shot. Good luck to you and take care. 

 
October 11, 2005, 10:28 am CDT

Losing to his children!

I'm at work and don't have much time to spare, but I so need someone's help....I'm 49 years old and have 2 grown sons.  My husband of 1 year also has 2 sons the same ages as mine (24 and 21).  My sons are out on their own, each with a child of their own.  His sons were out on their own living with anyone that would have them, as long as there was no charge.  My husband and I made a pact when we started dating 10 years ago that if it came down to choosing him or my children, he would lose, and vice versa. I feel that the children are not children any longer and he is now my first priority.  I will be there for my children, but they are old enough to support themselves and figure out how to pay the bills.  I moved into HIS home and kept my condo to rent out. My youngest son rented it with a girlfriend and I gave them a break in rent.  When he bought his own home, my oldest came home from the Marines and is now living there. They pay rent/mortgage, utilities, food, car payments, insurance, etc.... 

My husband's sons are living with anyone who will have them, no jobs, no kids, driving cars that my husband gave to them and is still paying the insurance on, they come to my house to eat, shower, do laundry, watch TV and even order pay per view at my expense!  I pay the utilities in the house, and just got a second job to keep myself above water!  I voiced my discontent with them just coming into our home uninvited, helping themselves to whatever they want, and acting as if it's still their home.  It's my home now, but he will not stop their behavior...He said he needs to help them at this point in time.  They can't keep jobs, always getting fired or quitting, taking months to years to find another.  My husband pays them enormous amounts of money to do small jobs at the house.  They then proceed to buy cigarettes, beer and weed... 

I have tried to explain to my husband that this is not helping the boys in any way....he's enabling them to be lazy good for nothing kids and I don't want to be around it anymore...I love my husband very very much, but he continues to do all but wipe their butts for them.  I have recently moved back to my condo with my oldest son because I felt as if I was being disrespected in my own home. I would never allow my sons to walk into my home without knocking, go into the fridge and make whatever they want, shower or do laundry without asking. He refuses to do anything about it, and it saddens me to think that I am so unimportant in his life.  Any suggestions out there?  He says he misses me and still loves me, but we are apart, and it's not a good feeling.  

 
October 12, 2005, 8:04 am CDT

Stick to your guns!

Quote From: jaynalynne

I'm at work and don't have much time to spare, but I so need someone's help....I'm 49 years old and have 2 grown sons.  My husband of 1 year also has 2 sons the same ages as mine (24 and 21).  My sons are out on their own, each with a child of their own.  His sons were out on their own living with anyone that would have them, as long as there was no charge.  My husband and I made a pact when we started dating 10 years ago that if it came down to choosing him or my children, he would lose, and vice versa. I feel that the children are not children any longer and he is now my first priority.  I will be there for my children, but they are old enough to support themselves and figure out how to pay the bills.  I moved into HIS home and kept my condo to rent out. My youngest son rented it with a girlfriend and I gave them a break in rent.  When he bought his own home, my oldest came home from the Marines and is now living there. They pay rent/mortgage, utilities, food, car payments, insurance, etc.... 

My husband's sons are living with anyone who will have them, no jobs, no kids, driving cars that my husband gave to them and is still paying the insurance on, they come to my house to eat, shower, do laundry, watch TV and even order pay per view at my expense!  I pay the utilities in the house, and just got a second job to keep myself above water!  I voiced my discontent with them just coming into our home uninvited, helping themselves to whatever they want, and acting as if it's still their home.  It's my home now, but he will not stop their behavior...He said he needs to help them at this point in time.  They can't keep jobs, always getting fired or quitting, taking months to years to find another.  My husband pays them enormous amounts of money to do small jobs at the house.  They then proceed to buy cigarettes, beer and weed... 

I have tried to explain to my husband that this is not helping the boys in any way....he's enabling them to be lazy good for nothing kids and I don't want to be around it anymore...I love my husband very very much, but he continues to do all but wipe their butts for them.  I have recently moved back to my condo with my oldest son because I felt as if I was being disrespected in my own home. I would never allow my sons to walk into my home without knocking, go into the fridge and make whatever they want, shower or do laundry without asking. He refuses to do anything about it, and it saddens me to think that I am so unimportant in his life.  Any suggestions out there?  He says he misses me and still loves me, but we are apart, and it's not a good feeling.  

You made a very difficult decision because your husband is shirking his duty to his children. Without him behind you, his two slow-learners will never stop mooching. If you go back to him now, you will have taught your husband that you will put up  with this nonsense. If you stay away, he will either get the point, and do something constructive with his kids, or you will know once and for all where you stand in the pecking order.

There comes a time when the children are old enough to fend for themselves and the parents rediscover their relationship as it was pre-kids. It is a time to make each other a priority again. Maybe your husband has guilt feelings that keep him in this perpetual state with his kids. Counseling may help, or pick up Dr Phil's Family First. I haven't read it but I bet there's a chapter in there about getting kids to be responsible adults and enabling parents.

Good luck.
 
October 12, 2005, 9:40 am CDT

Balancing Hobbies and Home

I am curious about what an appropriate amount of time to spend on your hobbies is? 

  

My fiance and I had a set up that I was fairly happy with.  He went gaming on Thursday nights from about 6:00pm to 9:00pm and then would also go on Saturdays from 10:00am to 5:00pm.  Occasionally he would game seperately with my friend's husband.  So say on average about 3 times a week was devoted to outside of the home gaming.  When he is at home he paints his game figures a lot but we found a balance to that by having him paint at the living room table while I watched tv or whatever so we were both in the same room and could chat to each other etc. 

  

Well, now he has decided that he also wants to start playing D&D with some people because beyond regular gaming, he also enjoys role playing.  This would happen on either a Monday night or Friday night depending on what group he decides to join.  D&D games last anywhere from 4 to  8 hours on average.  He always invites me to play or join so I am not excluded, but I have tried the games and it just isn't my thing.   

  

What I fear the problem will be is that all of his time will be spent with his games and I will end up sat home alone 3 or 4 nights of the week.  Is that too much or am I being silly?  I was happy with twice a week but any more than that I feel is too much.   

  

As he tells me his ideal is that I play too, and 90% of the time we meet up after or he encourages me to stop in and say hi atleast, I am not worried that he is trying to be away from me or cheating or anything like that.  I just think he likes gaming too much. 

  

To add, on top of the gaming and role playing - he is also involved with the SCA.  Busy boy for sure :) 

 
October 12, 2005, 6:16 pm CDT

I hear you ...

Quote From: adawife

You have every right to feel the way you do. And with that, don't let him manipulate you into staying. If he uses the excuse about killing himself then inform him that the insurance won't pay if it is suicide so therefore not only would he be adding more grief to yours and your children's life, you would still have your money situation. I noticed that you said something about his "military gear." The military offers all kinds of programs where you can get counseling for free. They even have financial counseling. If he refuses to go then at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage. I don't know what branch of the military you are but if you will get in contact with your post inspector general (IG) then they can tell you who you need to get in contact with to set up the counseling. It is worth a shot. Good luck to you and take care. 

As I was reading your post, I realized how much I can relate.  My husband, in the military as well, is a real pain in the butt, quite often, and very rude at that too!  I am a stay at home mother of one child (I will not have another one for a LONG LONG time, if at all, with the way things are at our house) and I too have to deal with verbal abuse almost everyday about money, sex (or lack there of), no food ready when he comes home.  I do it ALL and don't get paid and DON'T get appreciated for it.  I am so SERIOUS when I say that I do it all.  My husband comes home to a clean house, a clean mowed yard, organized cabinets, and full refridgerater... ALL of it done.  And if I don't say hello to him when he walks through the door he is pissed.  He complains all the time about his job, about how tired he is... and then he changes into house clothes and sits in front of the TV and proceeds to barely acknowledge me and our son for hours.   And on the weekends, it worse.  If I need help with something and I clearly need some help, he will not offer, I have to ask and then he complains about it.  And the money issue is a huge huge issue.  We have a joint credit card and we use that for everything.  We pay it off every month.  Since we moved to our current duty station we have spent a lot of money, but the money has not run out and we are not in debt.  He knows that everytime we move we have to spend a lot of money on food, items for the house to cover the windows if what he don't have won't work and the such.  It's like starting over again, so I don't know why he is such an ass when he knows.  But, he spends money on beer and booze and online poker as if we are growing money trees in our backyard.  But as soon as I go to the grocery store and spend even $100 on food for a week he is pissed and wants a break down of everything that I bought.  He usually shuts up after I throw the receipt at him.  Anyway, I am just venting and rambling about my problems.  I just wanted to let you know that you have a friend in a similar situation.  I have never used the military help that is available because I am too scared.  Instead, I am getting myself back on my feet and readying myself for the workforce.  I am going back to work.  And not to make my husband happy, but to make me feel like I am worth something.  I am doing it for myself and for my child, not my husband.  In the mean time I keep telling him that we have to be on the same team.  I am trying to be the strong one and trying to not let him bring me down and treat me like the maid, babysitter, cook, etc, etc...  So, I wish you so much luck!  Hang in there.  And whoever wrote to make the efforts that you can, DO IT!  Because she's right, at least you can walk away knowing that you did everything that you could do!   

  

HUGS! 

 
October 12, 2005, 7:39 pm CDT

Sharing the Load

In regards to the show wife styles I wanted to comment I understand they are going to have a manstyles show on and I agree this would be great.  I am the bread winner in my family I work 1 full time job, 1 part time job and still do the majority of the house work.  My partner Joe does help out around the house but not as much as I would like him to as he says "The more I give the more you want"  So he is home all day while the kids are in school and is satisfied if the dishes are done when I get home.   

  

I personally feel if he is home all day it wouldn't hurt to sweep the floor, start supper..etc But I get the same responce from him again and again "yes I should do more but doesn't my caring for the kids create a value to you"  He is talking about waking them up in the morning and feeding them breakfast and walking them to and from school. Let's not forget I have packed their lunches the night before or the morning of school already and got their clothes laid out and bags packed.  Yes he works from home but I do not see this money my entire paycheck goes to our family his goes to his hobbies.  Most days I feel unappreciated for all I do around the house.   

  

I do come home and I am very critical on the state of the house as their are crumbs on the counter and dust on the floor and this upsets me alot as I cannot stand this it drives me up a wall.  I walk in the house anywhere between 5-5:30 and need to start supper immediatly and dont have help as Joe doesn't cook so he just sits on his butt in front of the TV and watches that or goes downstairs and plays on the computer (oh yes I forgot he calls it work)  I then clean up supper - occassionaly he helps load the dishwasher.  Then its off to take the kids to activities as god forbid I ask him to take them I never hear the end of it as I was the one who signed them up for activities. 

  

I am not to sure what my point is.  Juggling a family, two jobs and a spouse is very hard work and I am trying to the best of my ability but feeling very unappreciated, very overworked, stressed, exhausted...well the list continues. 

  

I am unsure what more I can do to make Joe realize that my being criticle is trying to help him understand that I neeed more help. 

  

Family is hard, marriage is harder and balancing is not easy. 


If anyone has advise for this frustraed mom of two please help. 

 
October 16, 2005, 6:52 am CDT

Appreciate you feedback

Quote From: jyakfour

Hi Savannah. I know what your feeling, because I am going through the same thing. My hubby is verbally abusive and for the last week I have been walking around with a black eye for the first time in a long time. My hubby is a binge drinker, meaning he only drinks to get drunk on the weekends. Last weekend was my final breaking point. With intervention from his mom, we got him to admit he has a problem and now he has started to attend AA. I am still at a point of not really knowing what to do or where to go at this point and like you I am confused and angry, upset and a whole bunch of other feelings are flooding through me right now. I also left a message on the board and got really good advice from "figureitout" too. I hope you have someone to turn to and get the help you need. I would suggest leaving the a** and start a new life of freedom. Freedom is priceless and for that everyone deserves to live a free life away from abuse, alcoholism, and personal depression. Remember this, Alcoholism is a disease which is hereditary, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! It is your hubby's problem and he is the only one that can fix this!!! He must get help or he will loose everything including you and the kids!!!! If he cherishes his kids at least, he has to wake up and smell the coffee and until he realizes that he has an addiction to alcohol, you must get out before something terrible happens to you or the kids. It will not get any better, only worse, until he gets help. I really feel for you and most certainly relate. I hope the best for you. If you want to chat, you can email me at y2guard40@yahoo.com. I will be glad to listen and share thoughts. Good luck.

I know I'm not alone, but it's always nice to know that there is someone dealing with similiar issues.  My husband and I talked (mostly me) and I guess you could say I let him have it.  He's got no right to beat me emotionally any more than he has a right to smack me.  I think the one thing I need to learn is that when the arguing gets too heated to walk away.  Instead I find myself red faced and furiated.  Whether it be the next morning or the next week, we both need to be calm to get anything resolved.  During our 'talk', he said that I just set him off.  I replied that he's still got no right to the way he reacted.  If he disagrees, then we'll call anyone, anyone at all....I don't believe he'll find someone that will agree with him.  Regardless, it's not about being right or wrong but trying to fix the issue.  I agree with Dr. Phil that you must do everthing in your power to fix what's broken before thinking about leaving your spouse.  I would never put mysef or my children in danger.  My children are just innocent bystanders.  How does the saying go...Nothing good ever comes easy...I just didn't realize it would be this hard.  I'll take each day as it comes and fight like hell to survive.  Thanks much for the advice! 

 
October 16, 2005, 10:14 pm CDT

Starting out

Even though my husband and I have been married for 3 years, it seems like each year is our first year.  No, none of that newlywed bliss but more like our first year--a lot of crying.  He says I'm lazy.  Even though I make breakfast, the bed, laundry, feed the pets, cook and clean, decorate the house,go to school and a full time job in the hospital.  Yeah he does the bills, mow the lawn and take out the trash on Tuesdays--all those are done weekly not daily like my chores.  And he calls me lazy?!  He's not going to change so how am I suppose to deal with this?!
 
October 17, 2005, 6:42 am CDT

Overstressed mom w/ many issuses (ex: in laws)

My situation is that we recently moved to a new area, close to his family for his job. Well he works 15 hr days most days and usually only has enough time to eat and sleep when he gets home and one day off. There went family or couple time. Im lonenly because the area we moved to is a huge city with uncareing people, too big to care, un personable you know? Case in point we've been here 6 months and no neighbors have come to say welcome.  And Im basically a single parent of my kidsbecause he's always at work which makes me tired because being a stay at home mom is a 24 hr job. And did I mention my kids listen to my husband but not me. Thta bothers me. My weekends we'll those are shot to s---, his family always want to do something, they want us to come over or they show up here. I dont like it, they love all over him and ignore me. But I try to not mention it directly because he freaks out, he thinks his family is gold and in no way like to talk bad about them for any reason. Is it too much to ask to get some alone timewithout him flipping out because alone time means dissing his family?, They're his family, but so are me and his kids.  This whole mama's boy crap is working my last nerve. Too many things to stress me, invasive in-laws, new house/city/state, loneliness, full time single parent, constant bickering,absent spouse, no romance.....Anyone else out there like this, any suggestions?
 
October 17, 2005, 2:42 pm CDT

The Perfect Wife

Dr. Phil, 

I watched your show today and got different perspectives of wives.  I have been married for 12 years.  I got married at the age of 22, which was too young, and that is my opinion, I did not know how to really communicate to a man at that age.  When I found it difficult I would swear and get mad.  He and I were both raised in Christian homes, but the way I was raised was totally different than my husband.  He grew up with non smokers, non drinkers, non swearers, and I was the opposite, especially the swearing part. 

Any way, later on I found that if I tell my husband that I felt uncomfortable about something, or upset about something, or what ever the discussion I wanted to bring up but did not know how, I would tell him to be quiet until I was done, and then if it did not come out exactly the way I had intended that we would discuss it.  That seemed to really work.  He is a good listener.   

  

For the "Perfect Wife" story, I do not think that there is any perfect wife.  If you have something that works for you, great.  I liked the lady who is a stay at home mom and has her computer calender and all the meals planned out and changes her clothes and puts makeup on before her husband comes home, if I was a stay at home mom, I might give that a try, but it does not work for everyone.  Considering that most of the population has working mothers.  I am not a mother yet, but I hope when I become a mother I will raise my child in a loving Christian home. 

  

I think that if someone is in a relationship where they are being mistreated either mentally or physically they need to try counselling, and if that does not work and the relationship takes a turn for the worse that the woman needs to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.  I do not think that any woman should have to go through any kind of abuse. 

  

Well, I have talked your ear off.  Sorry.:)  I guess I just wanted to give my feelings about the show today.   

I am not a mother and I unfortunately lost my job.  I do not keep my house spotless, but it is not all cluttered either.  I think that having a cluttered home and kitchen is unhealthy.  If a person does not care about their husband then they need to think of them selves and how they would like to be living.   

  

Another thing, I have gotten my self into activities that my husband is not totally involved in, yet he supports me and the activity.  If there are women out there that feel stuck at home, they should get involved in something out side of the home.  If the husband does not like it and he thinks she should stay at home, she should not be with him. 

  

  

 
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