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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1242
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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February 4, 2009, 9:14 am CST

I Can't seem to make Headway

I need some help and I do not want to talk to anybody close to me as I don't believe that I am being told what I need to hear. Friends tend to want to soothe you rather than deal with harsh reality. I have spoken with my brother but I don't want to burder him further. I am married (19 years) with 2 children. For the past few years my relationship with my wife has been steadily eroding. She wants me to change and as much as I want to be a better partner, I am not making headway. Our fights are normally one sided. She tells me how frustrated she is with me and how I have taken her life away and I listen and say I am sorry. I have tried to do little things like write letters and put teddy bears in the kitchen. I am always willing to cook her a meal that she likes. We do not have much money to get away. I took time off of work to just be with her while the kids were in school. When i told her that I would like to talk she tells me that she does not, that I had my chance. We seem to make some headway and then she tells me that no headway will happen until I change and that she was giving me what I want, peace. I think I am a good guy. Never cheated and am pretty happy go lucky and I work hard but not late. I used to get angry when she blew up at me, now I either try to explain my behavior or just shut up and hope that it will past. I want to move on but am having a hard time trying to make up for the past 20 years. She will not accept anything from me and tells me that she will know when I have changed and that my actions will be the indicator that she can beleive in. Obviously, there is a lot more to this but I am not an abusive person, I haven't hit her. I was always ready to help around the house and with the kids, but now all of our time is spent  discussing how lousy a partner I have always been. How do I deal with trying to put this on a path to recovery? I need help. Neither of us wants a divorce, unless you ask her when she is angry.
 
February 13, 2009, 10:27 am CST

In the Same Boat

I appreicate someone taking the time to read my post and reply. I feel for you. I know there are some similarities in our situations but my wife is hurt from things that I did that I did not consider would be hurtful to her. I have been faithful and have worked hard to better our lot in life through school and career changes. I spend my days working and my nights studying for the first ten years of our marriage. It has paid off with my job, but, I never took the time to recognize her efforts by taking her away or out often enough. Most of the time that we did go out I was ready to go home by midnight. She was just starting to get going. My reflections are that she had a lot of pent up energy and was looking to start life after all those years of sacrificing. My new job consumes about 11 hours a day and although I have changed my tune on going out ( I recognize that she was enjoying herself and pushed myself to stay until the end of the night when we went dancing). There are a lot of other incidents in our marriage that she pulls out when I try to address her issues. I can't change history. I can only influence the future. Now, although she says she loves me, she feels that I used her throughout our marriage. I bring her flowers and she says they are from her not me. I am not allowed to recognize holidays because she says they all bring her pain. I writer her notes to let her know that I am thinking about  her and am sorry I did not pay enough attention earlier in our marriage and she tears them up. I tried to plan a trip away and she says if I ask she will always say no. I tried to just buy tickets to a concert and present them to here when she is in a good mood and she gets angry with me for not considering her and asking first. She has lost a lot of weight due to depression and I try to cook differrent things (her favorites) so she has something to eat when I am at work and although she eats some of it she is still losing weight and blames me and my inaction on why she is where she is. I know that I have hurt her and I used to argue that she shouldn't feel the way she does. Now I just listen and don't say too much. What can I say except sorry. I want things to get better but when I think things are getting better, she tells me everything is the same she has just suppressed her pain and anger so I can have peace. When we are in a good place, by my barometer, I will ask if she would like to talk about our issues but she pushes me to the side. I am constantly analysing what I said wrong last to push her to her latest bout of anger and shouting. She keeps telling me that this is all my fault and that because I am doing nothing, nothing will change. I just don't know what to do!!!!
 
February 13, 2009, 11:33 am CST

Trapped....hope4me2

I read your post and could not help to see some things in there that got me thinking that there is something to learn here. My thoughts are that there is a bit of me in both of you. I get silent and don't want to talk about it because I feel I am powerless to change the past. I force myself to deal with her but in the back of my head I want to tell her to just let go of the past and let's get on with the future. There are bigger problems now than what I did 20 years ago. I understand where she is coming from and why she is hurt but I have picked up my socks and do a whole lot more around the house as well as not avoiding our issues. She now tells me that I do these chores to avoid our situation and the problems of the past. I tell her that I do them because they have to be done. On the other hand, despite feeling that some of her positions are unjustified (I think Dr Phil would have a hey day with our arguements) I usually back away to just stop the arguement. She does not believe in breaks or going to a counsellor. I have tried for years but she says that I know what the problems are, why spend money for me to lie to a therapist. She has a point but I do not feel that I am lying. Quite often I spend  a lot of time arguing a point that I have instead of listening to hers. She tells me that she loves me but she also says that I am not man enought to leave. I don't want to leave, I just want to have a life with my wife and kids where we do not fight as much as we do. The past is haunting me and I do not know what to do about it. I have spoken with family and friends but that ended up as a betrayal as I was telling my side of the story. Hers is different and as much as I try to empathize, I do not fully beleive in her postion. As much as I try to point out that we are different people and that my views and my memories are postive, hers are not. She watched the Dr Phil episode on fighting fair and told me that we have to do this differently. I agree, went to the website and have used his guidelines. This is not working... I need to know how I can deal with this in a better manner. What can I do to make this better?

 
February 27, 2009, 5:10 pm CST

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: wyldstalyn

 First off my name is Bobby  and my ex-girlfriend  Amy have a daughter  Hannah together from our past relationship. I get custodial visitations set up at my moms via supervised visits to make sure that my Girlfriend  whos name is Cindi at the time who recently just a few months ago became my wife now was not allowed around my daughter since she had a past that my exgirfriend repeatedly keeps throwing up in my wifes face she was charged with child neglect charges 5 yrs agoand lost her kids a very touchy subject at hand However  we now have Nathaniel our 4 month old baby boy  of our own and I go every other weekend to my moms 2 weeks for summer break and the holidays are divided between us the problem is that my wife Cindi  is 25 im 36 and she can't deal with the situation of  me going to  my moms to see my daughter ever other weekend and this is constantly  putting our relationship into jepordy the ex refuses to let her near my daughter because she hasChild Neglect charges on her however she used to babysit my daughter before the neglect charges came into play now it tears my family apart. I am constatly fighting with my wife and with my ex and even with my mom cause my mother and my wife can't seem to get along as well. I also pay $300 a month for childsupport I can't work ive filed for disabilty they just told me that it may take 2 more yrs for the case to get done with the appeal I can't hold a job and my wife threates me with divorce all the time cause she can't handle the stress it causes with our marriage my question is what can I do about my ex she constatly does nothing but non stop harrass me about child support  The child support keeps dragging me into court for reviews for being so far behind on my child support and threates me with jail time but since ive filed my SSI case I haven't paid much of the child support because I can't  seem to be able to keep a job  to pay the money I owe because im  so depressed all the time I can't sleep  my wife keeps me upset and fighting all night I don't want to lose my wife but she constatly tells me either my  exgf and  my Daughter goes or her and my son goes how do I choose between my wife and my son and between my daughter can someone please help me im so confused

thanks Bobby
i know what boat your in my ex husband got full custom of both my our kids but every since i got marriage the second time he think my husband need to support then he call him like there his kids then when he get  home it all war in my home i got to see them ever other weekend when i get them it seem like i pay hell for bring them to my house my husband start from the time i bring them to the house until i take home to there real dad it has put so much stressed on our marriage i thought about divorce lately i don't where to go any more  i  so tire anymore  i though just runners a way but i done that in my last marriage i not going this time sorry to hear a bout your life keep your head up it get better because i draw ssi my self  i have 2 nervous break down in 2 years time so just pray ever day  talk to you later
 
March 5, 2009, 6:39 am CST

Let God lead you

All you need to do is to pray about and et God direct you

or contact some Pastor  foradvice.

 
March 23, 2009, 9:40 am CDT

my motherinlaw

MY MOTHERINLAW BUTS INTO MY MARRIAGE EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS MY HUSBAND LETS HER GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID THAT SHE WILL ASK US TO LEAVE THE HOUSE SHE OWNS IF HE CONFRONTS HER ABOUT IT I WOULD REALLY LIKE  HER TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS IT IS TEARING US APART AND I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO
 
April 2, 2009, 12:04 pm CDT

need some input

Okay Ive recently gotten married. I have a child from a previous marriage. Which my husband now knew from the start. My husband can't stand the fact that I get along with my ex. Which I do for my child. I have in my childs room pictures of his dad and myself with our child. I have them there for my child. My husband tells me that I'm unfair and inconsiderate. I need some opinions on this matter. I feel there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing.
 
April 3, 2009, 3:53 pm CDT

Mother in-law

Quote From: keutermark

MY MOTHERINLAW BUTS INTO MY MARRIAGE EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS MY HUSBAND LETS HER GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID THAT SHE WILL ASK US TO LEAVE THE HOUSE SHE OWNS IF HE CONFRONTS HER ABOUT IT I WOULD REALLY LIKE  HER TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS IT IS TEARING US APART AND I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO
I lived with my mother in-law for ten yrs.We moved in to take over the house pmts and all.but we(2children 2dogs and husband) ended up sharing a 20-25 garage 1 bath and 1 room NO KITCHEN, it was the worst ten yrs of my life. My husband was a mamas boy and would never say anything to her.She even took showers in our room and did'nt pay any rent (2200.00 monthly) I finally left. My husband and I got back together, but on certain conditions, we kicked her out and moved. We ended up forclosing on the home.2200.00 was to much for a 1 bedroom and no kitchen.She now hates me but I have somewhat of a life back.
 
April 12, 2009, 2:26 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: tina1984

Okay Ive recently gotten married. I have a child from a previous marriage. Which my husband now knew from the start. My husband can't stand the fact that I get along with my ex. Which I do for my child. I have in my childs room pictures of his dad and myself with our child. I have them there for my child. My husband tells me that I'm unfair and inconsiderate. I need some opinions on this matter. I feel there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing.

I think it great that you get along with your ex for the sake of your child, not many parents can agree after a divorce. Your child should feel comfortable with both you and your ex and know that he/she can go to either one and not feel gulity. I see nothing wrong with you having pictures of your childs dad in his/her room. Your child has the right to have them. I'm not sure if I understood you right but are the pictures of you, your ex and child together in the same picture? If they are "family" pictures you should remove them to adapt to your new life. You are no longer the "happy" family when the pictures were taken. The pictures you should replace them with should be seperate pictures of only your child and dad together, of only you and your child and maybe even a new picture of your new husband, you and your child together, but remove the pictures of you, your ex and child togehter. Your child has the right to have the family pictures but those pictures should be put into an album so that he/she could look at whenever he/she wanted but not put on display. Your new husband knows that you had a life before him and I can understand that he feels that it's unfair and inconsiderate of you to have pictures in your childs room of your ex together with you and your child, it's a reminder of the life you had together with another man. Both you and your ex lead seperate lives now and it should be kept that way, pictures on the walls in your childs room of the way you and your ex used to be should be seperate and not put on display, those pictures belong in an album.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
July 20, 2009, 4:42 pm CDT

My Husband's Friend Monopolizes His Time

Hi I’m new to this, but I wanted an impartial audience so I will give you a little background before I start.  My husband (40) and I (48) met 7 and a half years ago.  We married last year.  He has no children.  I have two grown sons, one of whom lives with us when he’s not attending college (i.e., summers, holidays).  That, in and of itself tends to be a problem, but not the one I’m addressing today.  We live in a rural area where it snows a lot in the winter so we cram a lot of outdoor activities in our short summers.  We have a mutual friend, who I will call Mark.  I introduced my husband to Mark and they have become best friends over the course of the last 5 years or so.  Mark was best man at our wedding.  Mark is 41, never has been married, and is extremely competitive.  We have an inner circle of friends, most of whom are married couples, except for Mark and a couple of other guys who are all three single.  We participate in a lot of tournaments:  golf, softball, volleyball, horseshoes, etc.  Here is where the problem arises.  As soon as Mark hears about a tournament, he automatically assumes my husband will be his partner and my husband will not say no (for fear of looking like he’s whipped?).  In paired sports, such as golf or horseshoes, Mark always chooses my husband to be his partner and I have to find someone else to be mine.  Every 4th of July we attend an annual horseshoe tournament and my husband is automatically assumed to be Mark’s partner, as he has every year.  A few months back a golf tournament was planned for this past weekend.  Mark asked my husband to be on his “team” with 2 other single guys.  I had to find other friends to golf with at the tournament.  During this tournament my husband was asked to play another tournament this coming weekend.  He said yes.  I’m not even invited to play at that tournament.  I’m sick of Mark assuming my husband will be his partner and I’m sick of my husband always saying yes.  My husband fails to realize that he and I are life partners.  I keep telling Mark to get his “own husband”.  He has never been in a relationship.  He has no respect for women.  He even told me once that I had “no business” wanting to be my husband’s partner in these competitions.  Now my husband and I are fighting because he says he never gets to do stuff with his friends.  Are you kidding me?  He does everything with Todd.  Where does that leave me?  How do I explain to my husband that Todd is not his “partner”, I am?  Maybe he should have married Todd!  (No, they’re not gay, but still……)  Does anyone have any advice?  Thanks in advance.

 
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