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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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July 29, 2005, 2:53 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: jettav

I would suggest that you make the first move here, set up a time when it can be just you and your wife and start by letting her know how you feel about her, that you love and care for her and that you want your marriage to be for a life time( I think that is what you want and feel), you need to communicate with her on how it makes you feel when she does the things/act the way she does and you need to allow her to do the same with you, get all this out in the opened then discuss solutions, (did you let her know ahead of time that you were going out with your brother,or did you just tell her then leave?) Set up date nights that is specifically for her and unless there is an emergency, neither of you can plan something different for that night. You should also encourage her to go out with a friend once in a while and let her know that she is top priority as well as the children but you need time with your brother as well. Marriage is a committment between two people and takes 100% on both peoples side to make it work, communication and respect are very imporant and we must learn how to balance our marriage/family/work,friends. My husabnd and I always tell each other a head of time of individual plans and we always make sure that there isn't already something planned, I know how it feels to have had a quiet evening planned with my hubby or a special night out then he come home and tell me of some other plan that I had absolutely no knowledge of, it really does leave room for some resentment, but when I talked to him about how it made me feel and why it upset me, we learned to communicate more and to respect the other with the making of plans. Maybe even send her flowers or something once in a while to confirm your love to her, which I am sure you do things like this already. Hopefully sitting her down and talking with her and getting her suggestions/ideas will help, maybe then she will sense that you are trying to put her and her feelings ahead of other things and maybe she will see the imporance of having other relationships as well. Also, how many hours do you work? My husabnd works two jobs and til just this week, he has had to work every single day, the only time we had time to gether was wed and thurs evening and Saturday mornings and of course because we have two little ones, they need to spend time with him as well, this went on for about a year and I know the feelings that I had were of lonliness and even a littel resentment that I had no personal time with him, only when he was tuckered out basically, doesn't make for much of a marriage, and though we love and respect one another and never had the feeling of leaving one another, it was a very trying time, now, I don't know what the whole situation is within your home, but could your wife be feeling lonliness or even neglected? I know you said she has always wanted attention but what is your current life style like? How much time do you really have with her? I do understand where you are coming from and I sense that you love all your family and just don't know how to balance your time and make everyone happy, including yourself, my husband has been in that same situation and though it didn't change over night, we worked it out, still have our moments but things are much better and I think it is becasue of the communication and date nights and the little things he does for me and our girls.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I agree with most everything you said. I really do want to save my marriage, and making the first move would probably be the best. I should probably clear up a few thing with her and broaden the horizons of what she really means to me. To answer some of your questions, I work about 40 hours a week minimum, sometimes even more. It depends on what I am working on. Also, I didn't tell her I was having dinner with my brother unitl I got home and then I left. I know it goes a long way to clarify things before hand, however I need her to accept the fact that sometimes she has to deal with last minute plans. I don't see any reason for my wife to feel neglected or lonely. I am not a stranger for her. She knew and knows very well that I am busy and that she needs to cope with the fact that I won't always be with her. Its stupid of her or anyone to come out and complain after 10 years of marriage, and 2 kids. I believe we have a very healthy lifestlye right now. I spend plenty of time with her. There is absolutely no reason why she should feel the way she does. I spend the weekends with her and the kids, and I spend time with them when I come home from my work. I'm not going to deny that I go to seminars, and meetings in different cities frequently, however that is part of my line of work. I might be gone for days at times, having gone to a seminar or meeting, etc. I think there is little or no communication going on in our relationship, and that is the real problem.
 
July 31, 2005, 8:10 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I were supposed to go to my moms this weekend and pick our daughter up so we can get her ready to start school. He tells me today he has "more important"things to do than go with me to get our daughter so I have to take my son and go by myself. He asked me to leave my son with him but I didnt want to risk leaving him with my husband and get a phone call my son got hurt because my husband fell asleep and left him unattended. My husband has 24 hour duty at work tomorrow and wont have any sleep til saturday and thats why I dont want to leave my son with him. When I had a job I worked nights and I come home one night and my husband was asleep and left my son and daughter up alone. I was so mad I ended up quiting my job so I could stay at home with my children.  My husband is great with the kids when he does spend time with them but its not that often. We have a marriage counseling appointment next week maybe that will do us some good. I am praying it will because I love my husband with all my heart and dont want to lose him. I just wish he would start spending more time with us while he is here before he goes back to Iraq at the end of the year. He will be gone for 1 year or more so you would think he would want to spend time with us but thats not the case with him. What can I do to get him to spend more time with us? Someone please help!!

He is the father of those children as well. If you want him to spend more time with them, then maybe you should let go a bit and trust that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt the children. If he would then I would hope that you would not be there anymore. He at least was making a half effort by saying to leave you son. He very well could have said to go by yourself and take your son with you. Maybe it just didn't make sense to him why you both needed to go on a trip that really only takes one person to do. And if you wanted the company and would have enjoyed his, did you express that to him. If you vocalized the point of not wanting to leave your son with him when you went to your mothers, then that is what is going to stick in his mind. Then next time, he will be thinking "I can't do it right anyway, so why do it at all." Try not to condemn him for one instance in the past, this is giving him the easy out.  Let him feel as though you think he is a good father (even if sometimes you need to bite your tongue)  and he will try to live up to what you are saying. He may try to want to become the person that you are discribing. When my son was first born and my husband would ask what was wrong with him, I would simply tell him that it is my first kid also, I don't know anymore then he does just because I am a woman. After the first few times of trusting that he can figure it out on his own, he started to go down the list. Is he hungry, wet, tired, bored, etc? Now he will come in from work and all he will ask me is when was the last time that he ate....not "Is he hungry?", cause I don't know any more then he does. I tell my husband regularly that he is an awesome dad, and he always wants me to ellaborate. So I do. I think it reassures him, the same as if it would assure you and I. (wouldn't that be nice to hear, in the other direction, haha) My 2 year old loves his dada, even though I see things that I might have done differently. But that doesn't necessarily make me right and him wrong. So we try to discuss regularly ways that we can agree on parenting, even though I am the major care giver. I think he really likes to be involved, and it makes him want to interact more with his son. Don't get me wrong, my husband is not perfect and he has a long way to go. But by putting these few things to the test he is slowly starting to come around. I hope that it can for you as well. Take care.  Hope to hear how things work out for you.

 
August 1, 2005, 12:42 pm CDT

troubles with the Mother in Law

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, married for three. From the time I entered this family I noticed something very different from my own. I come from a history of alcoholism, and cheating and divorce. And my husband come from a family of mental and physical abuse, but yet his parents stayed together until his father passed away a couple of years ago. Neither of us is from the ideal family but I guess I realize this more then my husband does. I have tried to make a conscience effort to work toward a better life. And I believe that is what my husband wants as well. Right up until he gets mad and angry (usually when you say something he doesn't agree with) When his father was alive, he was always very loving and caring toward me and all four of his children. He welcomed me into the family and made me feel a part of it, I never saw the abuser that apparently he once was years ago. Where as my mother in law was the complete opposite. She told my husband when we were first going to live together that he was distroying his life, and that relationships of this sort never work out for the good, she didn't even know me because she would never come when she had the opportunity to meet me. She was so incredibly bitter about her past (forced to marry because she was pregnant, and then was verbally abusive to her husband, which resulted in physical abuse back, they slept in seperate rooms since she was pregnant with her last child 22 years ago) She would alway put down my FIL and call him names. They fought openly infront of everyone, and would never drive to the same place in the same vehicle. When my FIL was diagnosed with cancer she would not take him to his appointments, or even show up to the hospital when he had major surgery. My husband and I were married away from home and she came but my FIL was unable to because of his illness. She was hanging out with my mother one day and told my mother to stop telling people that her daughter was getting married because it was really quite annoying. My mother was crushed, she was so excited because she loves me and my husband both, that she did not understand why my MIL was not happy for us. My FIL not being there broke my husbands heart but we did a reception back  for him to come to. The first day that we returned my MIL told me that she did not consider us married because there was no mention made of God in our wedding vows. I told her that we never even heard the vows until we were standing there, and I thought they were beautiful and said what I wanted and needed them to say. That my god was present and would understand. She flew off the handle and cused me out infront of everyone, and because we were in our house my husband asked her to leave. For months we never spoke with her, and my FIL even tried to kick her out of the house for her attitude. When my FIL was in the hospital on his death bed she wouldn't even come to the hospital because she said the air there was making her throat dry. I was 7 months pregnant when he passed away. The only time she came to the hospital was with a lawyer to try to get my FIL to write a will because she said that there wasn't one. He was to drugged to do anything and she tried to get my husband to talk to him. We thought he was going to die right then he was so mad at her, so we never said another word. It then came out that she had a key to a safety deposit box with a will already made in it.  She was left nothing in his will and it all was given to his four children. The two boys received the most, but they said from the start that they would give it all to their mother because they did not want to see her in the poor house. She lashed out at all of them, we think because my FIL refered to her as mentally unstable in the will. One of the daughters stood by her side and the others had had enough. They had dealt with her verbal abuse for years and this was the last straw. She was not even phoned when our son was born but somehow she found out and showed up at the hospital like nothing happened. Trying to hug me and act like we were one big happy family. Our thoughts were, if she does not acknowledge our marriage because of her religious beliefs then how does she acknowledge our son. We tried several times after this to make peace with her but everytime it would end in her saying how her oldest daughter and her husband had ruined her life. And we would not stand for that. Her daughter did not ask to be born and she had the choice to leave her husband. She was just as abusive, just in a different way. 10 years after all the kids moved out she was still there. It was all she knew. We have not really talked to her in the last couple of years, but when she found out we were pregnant again she came and dropped off flowers. My husband has lost both of his parents and he is really searching for something like what I have with my mother. Now my husband is starting to talk to her again and I am trying to be supportive of this, for him and my son. But I do not want a relationship with her. Everytime my husband starts to talk to her again, he becomes moody and irritable. His anger issues come right back out. He name calls and is not happy until I name call back, which I don't. But I have asked him if that is what he is going for. To push me so far and knock me down mentally that I snap and fight back. And all I want to say is that it is whenever his mother is back in his life that this all comes full circle again. His sister agrees with me, because she says she acts the same way everytime her mother is around. I know my MIL does not like me, I think because I will say what is on my mind and stand up for myself. Something that she was never able to do. She tells me sometimes that she "really does love me" but then the next time I see her she says "heaven forbid I should ever have give birth to a daughter like you." So how do you trust what she says. I don't and I have no desire to even try, she is not my mother. She has also said to me that she worries for me, what my husband might potentially do to me because of what my FIL did to her. How horrible is that to say about your son when you have never witnessed anything but love and affection toward his wife and child. When we go up town I run into friends of hers all the time that say "you really should start treating her better" or "It is so horrible how all the kids are treating their mother, she just lost her husband" I worry for my husband and his anger issues and I worry that I will not be able to support him in the reuniting with his mother. I will go to family functions and I will talk to her, and be pleasant. But I do not respect her as a mother, nor do I like her as a person. What kind of a mother calls her daughters sluts and whores in front of their children. Now having a child of my own, I cannot relate to this. So how do I support my husband but not give in on my feelings toward her. I do not want to be two faced or hypicritical. She is now wanting to "hang out and go for tea" with me, and I am not in this place. She will never discuss the past and just expects it to go away, until the next time she is mad and angry and decides to throw it up in our faces. I don't like putting myself in this situation. I resolve things and if it takes days or weeks of talking, then that is what it takes. And then it is left in the past. Now that I have bored you, can someone give some advice? Or does anyone else have MIL issues such as myself
 
August 1, 2005, 4:05 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: hayhez

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, married for three. From the time I entered this family I noticed something very different from my own. I come from a history of alcoholism, and cheating and divorce. And my husband come from a family of mental and physical abuse, but yet his parents stayed together until his father passed away a couple of years ago. Neither of us is from the ideal family but I guess I realize this more then my husband does. I have tried to make a conscience effort to work toward a better life. And I believe that is what my husband wants as well. Right up until he gets mad and angry (usually when you say something he doesn't agree with) When his father was alive, he was always very loving and caring toward me and all four of his children. He welcomed me into the family and made me feel a part of it, I never saw the abuser that apparently he once was years ago. Where as my mother in law was the complete opposite. She told my husband when we were first going to live together that he was distroying his life, and that relationships of this sort never work out for the good, she didn't even know me because she would never come when she had the opportunity to meet me. She was so incredibly bitter about her past (forced to marry because she was pregnant, and then was verbally abusive to her husband, which resulted in physical abuse back, they slept in seperate rooms since she was pregnant with her last child 22 years ago) She would alway put down my FIL and call him names. They fought openly infront of everyone, and would never drive to the same place in the same vehicle. When my FIL was diagnosed with cancer she would not take him to his appointments, or even show up to the hospital when he had major surgery. My husband and I were married away from home and she came but my FIL was unable to because of his illness. She was hanging out with my mother one day and told my mother to stop telling people that her daughter was getting married because it was really quite annoying. My mother was crushed, she was so excited because she loves me and my husband both, that she did not understand why my MIL was not happy for us. My FIL not being there broke my husbands heart but we did a reception back  for him to come to. The first day that we returned my MIL told me that she did not consider us married because there was no mention made of God in our wedding vows. I told her that we never even heard the vows until we were standing there, and I thought they were beautiful and said what I wanted and needed them to say. That my god was present and would understand. She flew off the handle and cused me out infront of everyone, and because we were in our house my husband asked her to leave. For months we never spoke with her, and my FIL even tried to kick her out of the house for her attitude. When my FIL was in the hospital on his death bed she wouldn't even come to the hospital because she said the air there was making her throat dry. I was 7 months pregnant when he passed away. The only time she came to the hospital was with a lawyer to try to get my FIL to write a will because she said that there wasn't one. He was to drugged to do anything and she tried to get my husband to talk to him. We thought he was going to die right then he was so mad at her, so we never said another word. It then came out that she had a key to a safety deposit box with a will already made in it.  She was left nothing in his will and it all was given to his four children. The two boys received the most, but they said from the start that they would give it all to their mother because they did not want to see her in the poor house. She lashed out at all of them, we think because my FIL refered to her as mentally unstable in the will. One of the daughters stood by her side and the others had had enough. They had dealt with her verbal abuse for years and this was the last straw. She was not even phoned when our son was born but somehow she found out and showed up at the hospital like nothing happened. Trying to hug me and act like we were one big happy family. Our thoughts were, if she does not acknowledge our marriage because of her religious beliefs then how does she acknowledge our son. We tried several times after this to make peace with her but everytime it would end in her saying how her oldest daughter and her husband had ruined her life. And we would not stand for that. Her daughter did not ask to be born and she had the choice to leave her husband. She was just as abusive, just in a different way. 10 years after all the kids moved out she was still there. It was all she knew. We have not really talked to her in the last couple of years, but when she found out we were pregnant again she came and dropped off flowers. My husband has lost both of his parents and he is really searching for something like what I have with my mother. Now my husband is starting to talk to her again and I am trying to be supportive of this, for him and my son. But I do not want a relationship with her. Everytime my husband starts to talk to her again, he becomes moody and irritable. His anger issues come right back out. He name calls and is not happy until I name call back, which I don't. But I have asked him if that is what he is going for. To push me so far and knock me down mentally that I snap and fight back. And all I want to say is that it is whenever his mother is back in his life that this all comes full circle again. His sister agrees with me, because she says she acts the same way everytime her mother is around. I know my MIL does not like me, I think because I will say what is on my mind and stand up for myself. Something that she was never able to do. She tells me sometimes that she "really does love me" but then the next time I see her she says "heaven forbid I should ever have give birth to a daughter like you." So how do you trust what she says. I don't and I have no desire to even try, she is not my mother. She has also said to me that she worries for me, what my husband might potentially do to me because of what my FIL did to her. How horrible is that to say about your son when you have never witnessed anything but love and affection toward his wife and child. When we go up town I run into friends of hers all the time that say "you really should start treating her better" or "It is so horrible how all the kids are treating their mother, she just lost her husband" I worry for my husband and his anger issues and I worry that I will not be able to support him in the reuniting with his mother. I will go to family functions and I will talk to her, and be pleasant. But I do not respect her as a mother, nor do I like her as a person. What kind of a mother calls her daughters sluts and whores in front of their children. Now having a child of my own, I cannot relate to this. So how do I support my husband but not give in on my feelings toward her. I do not want to be two faced or hypicritical. She is now wanting to "hang out and go for tea" with me, and I am not in this place. She will never discuss the past and just expects it to go away, until the next time she is mad and angry and decides to throw it up in our faces. I don't like putting myself in this situation. I resolve things and if it takes days or weeks of talking, then that is what it takes. And then it is left in the past. Now that I have bored you, can someone give some advice? Or does anyone else have MIL issues such as myself
Remember, you treat people how to treat you. I would suggest that you stay away from your MIL and if your husbnad wants to go visit or whatever, that would be his choice but it does not mean that you have to go with him, And when you are around her and she says or does something that you do not approve of, then hold your tongue and walk away, do not gve in to the pressures of these people, certainly not worth it. I understand where you are coming from with some of this and forget what other people say and think, people tend to stick up for the underdog in these situations cause they either don't know the real issues/problems or they just don't want to confront them, whatever the case, stand your ground. My children do not come in much contact with family members and when they do, I am right there with them, no way on this green earth would I leave my children alone with them. You can only do so much to help people and until they come to the point of seeing things as they truly are and seek help, nothing you say or do will please them, believe me, I have been there. My bio mother told a bunch of lies about me as a teenager and to this day she thinks they are all true, some people lie so much they actually believe themselves. I think the problem is that she was abused and in a couple of bad marriages and to actually see people happy and successful just doesn't seem possisble to these people so they do what they can to make it all appear that those doing well, really isn't. Just be yourself and support your husband in his choices, just because you support him does not mean thta you have to agree with him, be there for him, afterall it is his mother. pray for him and don't talk down to him, he has had enough people in his life to do this crap, let him know daily on how you feel about him and let him know that you are on your side and that you are going no where, but at the sane time, you need to protect yourself and your children for this is abuse and they will reap some consequences from it. As they grow older, you will be able to explain things a little better to them but they must be your first priority here. it isn't easy being in these situations but you don't have to be in the middle of it all, love and respect your husband as I think he is trying to make things better, but at the same time, do not participate in the bad mouthing and all the negatives things going on and when you see something positive, compliment it but basically stay out of the mess as much as possible.
 
August 1, 2005, 6:15 pm CDT

meant to say..

Quote From: jettav

Remember, you treat people how to treat you. I would suggest that you stay away from your MIL and if your husbnad wants to go visit or whatever, that would be his choice but it does not mean that you have to go with him, And when you are around her and she says or does something that you do not approve of, then hold your tongue and walk away, do not gve in to the pressures of these people, certainly not worth it. I understand where you are coming from with some of this and forget what other people say and think, people tend to stick up for the underdog in these situations cause they either don't know the real issues/problems or they just don't want to confront them, whatever the case, stand your ground. My children do not come in much contact with family members and when they do, I am right there with them, no way on this green earth would I leave my children alone with them. You can only do so much to help people and until they come to the point of seeing things as they truly are and seek help, nothing you say or do will please them, believe me, I have been there. My bio mother told a bunch of lies about me as a teenager and to this day she thinks they are all true, some people lie so much they actually believe themselves. I think the problem is that she was abused and in a couple of bad marriages and to actually see people happy and successful just doesn't seem possisble to these people so they do what they can to make it all appear that those doing well, really isn't. Just be yourself and support your husband in his choices, just because you support him does not mean thta you have to agree with him, be there for him, afterall it is his mother. pray for him and don't talk down to him, he has had enough people in his life to do this crap, let him know daily on how you feel about him and let him know that you are on your side and that you are going no where, but at the sane time, you need to protect yourself and your children for this is abuse and they will reap some consequences from it. As they grow older, you will be able to explain things a little better to them but they must be your first priority here. it isn't easy being in these situations but you don't have to be in the middle of it all, love and respect your husband as I think he is trying to make things better, but at the same time, do not participate in the bad mouthing and all the negatives things going on and when you see something positive, compliment it but basically stay out of the mess as much as possible.
you teach people how to treat you.......
 
August 2, 2005, 6:20 am CDT

Could be a lil' deeper..

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I were supposed to go to my moms this weekend and pick our daughter up so we can get her ready to start school. He tells me today he has "more important"things to do than go with me to get our daughter so I have to take my son and go by myself. He asked me to leave my son with him but I didnt want to risk leaving him with my husband and get a phone call my son got hurt because my husband fell asleep and left him unattended. My husband has 24 hour duty at work tomorrow and wont have any sleep til saturday and thats why I dont want to leave my son with him. When I had a job I worked nights and I come home one night and my husband was asleep and left my son and daughter up alone. I was so mad I ended up quiting my job so I could stay at home with my children.  My husband is great with the kids when he does spend time with them but its not that often. We have a marriage counseling appointment next week maybe that will do us some good. I am praying it will because I love my husband with all my heart and dont want to lose him. I just wish he would start spending more time with us while he is here before he goes back to Iraq at the end of the year. He will be gone for 1 year or more so you would think he would want to spend time with us but thats not the case with him. What can I do to get him to spend more time with us? Someone please help!!
Hi there, we're half a world apart sweetie and yet we're having similar situations.. Maybe your hubby is doin' that thing you do with a stray kitten? He could quite possibly be scared that hes gonna loose you, And not realising hes it even hurting you (even though hes doin it daily) By being "cold" to you and the wee ones. Have you ever wondered if Maybe hes scared of returnin to iraq, so just like that wee kitten that wont stop following you for its own good, Instead of throwing stones like a child, it seems hes almost driving you away so you wont have to go through the pain of potentionally loosing him?? I dunno how he feels about returning to iraq, maybe it could do you both good to sit down "calmly" maybe even sit down beside him in the chair and say, "i dont want to loose you, i would like us to be a loving couple befor you go back overseas".. Anyway chickee, Good Luck and God Bless :o)
 
August 2, 2005, 1:19 pm CDT

Am i doing right?

I am new to the boards. But i need to talk.

I came from a family where my father is an alcoholic and his father was as well. He almost died this past December (from Pancreatitis) from the booze. Yet he is still drinking and i fear i am going to get the dreeded phone call from my mother or sister that dad has died. I rarely see my parents cause i do not need my kids to be witness to my drunkin father. I drink on some social events..my kids rarely see this. Am i doing the right thing by having my kids see less of Grampy cause he is killing himself?

Tanya

 
August 2, 2005, 4:07 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: kiwi_mummy

Hi there, we're half a world apart sweetie and yet we're having similar situations.. Maybe your hubby is doin' that thing you do with a stray kitten? He could quite possibly be scared that hes gonna loose you, And not realising hes it even hurting you (even though hes doin it daily) By being "cold" to you and the wee ones. Have you ever wondered if Maybe hes scared of returnin to iraq, so just like that wee kitten that wont stop following you for its own good, Instead of throwing stones like a child, it seems hes almost driving you away so you wont have to go through the pain of potentionally loosing him?? I dunno how he feels about returning to iraq, maybe it could do you both good to sit down "calmly" maybe even sit down beside him in the chair and say, "i dont want to loose you, i would like us to be a loving couple befor you go back overseas".. Anyway chickee, Good Luck and God Bless :o)
I have never really thought about it like that.  I am sure my husband is scared abpout going back to Iraq especially since his first time over there he was almost killed when an RPG(rocket propelled gernade) hit his truck. He walked away without a scratch on the outside but was terrified on the inside. Everyone one called him "ghost" after that happened.  It scared him so badly that the 3 weeks he had quit smoking ended. I guess we are both scared about him going back over there but we just havent addressed the thought yet. I know if I asked him if he was scared he would probably tell me no he wasnt, but I would know he wsant telling me the truth. Maybe he will open up tomorrow(wednesday) at our marriage counceling session.  Since I have been home from my moms things have been going okay. We have been getting along better but he still isnt any better with the kids.  He still wont help me with them at all. I have to ask him 1000 times or more to get the baby a bottle or change a diaper, or put the baby to bed. Thanks for the advice. Wish me luck.
 
August 2, 2005, 4:21 pm CDT

hi

Quote From: nuttymomof

I am new to the boards. But i need to talk.

I came from a family where my father is an alcoholic and his father was as well. He almost died this past December (from Pancreatitis) from the booze. Yet he is still drinking and i fear i am going to get the dreeded phone call from my mother or sister that dad has died. I rarely see my parents cause i do not need my kids to be witness to my drunkin father. I drink on some social events..my kids rarely see this. Am i doing the right thing by having my kids see less of Grampy cause he is killing himself?

Tanya

You just described my dad, only its not just him it my mom as well. They are both hard core alcoholics.  My mom is so afraid she is going to miss out on one beer so she takes some of what they have an hides it so when everyones beer is gone she has hers there. She gets really mean and vocal when she is drunk. My mom quit drinking for 10 years after her kids were born and then my dad opened up a bar 2 years after the opening of the bar my mom started drinking on a regular basis. My dad doesnt drink as bad as my mom but he still drinks alot.

   When I go visit my parents I do not allow them to hold my kids while they are drinking. My daughter is five and LOVES her nana and papa to death I fear the same thing you do about him drinking himself to death literally. That is the reason why I want her to see him as much as she can while he still has time on earth. Like i said my dad isnt as bad as my mom My daughter sees more of my dad sober than drunk but that is just here recently he has slowed down alot.  My moms dad died trying to stop drinking after drinking for so many years and I fear the same thing is going to happen to both of my parents.

Does your dad get violent when he is drinking or drunk? Have you tried talking to him and telling him what you fear?

Brandy

 
August 2, 2005, 7:16 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: nuttymomof

I am new to the boards. But i need to talk.

I came from a family where my father is an alcoholic and his father was as well. He almost died this past December (from Pancreatitis) from the booze. Yet he is still drinking and i fear i am going to get the dreeded phone call from my mother or sister that dad has died. I rarely see my parents cause i do not need my kids to be witness to my drunkin father. I drink on some social events..my kids rarely see this. Am i doing the right thing by having my kids see less of Grampy cause he is killing himself?

Tanya

I personally do not think you are doing the wrong thing, you are your children's parent and you must do everything you can to protect them and there are times when the kids must come first. I know what alcohol can do to a person and I will not allow my children around people drinking. Are there times when he is not drinking? Maybe you can set up times in advance for the kids to go visit him. Maybe then he will wait til they are gone to drink. I also have an open door policy in my home even though we do not go visit these people, they can come to our home basically anytime they want to see our girls but they must abide by our house rules, no drinking, no swearing and no smoking, most will follow the rules out of respect. So maybe sit your father down sometime when he isn't drinking and tell him how you feel, that you care for him and you want the kids to be a part of his life but they just do not need to see him drinking and drunk and that you would like to start setting dates to come over or for him to come to your home to have some fun times with the kids, see how he responds to this. But whatever the case, as parents, it is up to us to teach and guide them and really, you are protecting your kids from the outcome that could come from the alcohol and that is your right and in my opinion, your responsibility.
 
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