Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I agree with most everything you said. I really do want to save my marriage, and making the first move would probably be the best. I should probably clear up a few thing with her and broaden the horizons of what she really means to me. To answer some of your questions, I work about 40 hours a week minimum, sometimes even more. It depends on what I am working on. Also, I didn't tell her I was having dinner with my brother unitl I got home and then I left. I know it goes a long way to clarify things before hand, however I need her to accept the fact that sometimes she has to deal with last minute plans. I don't see any reason for my wife to feel neglected or lonely. I am not a stranger for her. She knew and knows very well that I am busy and that she needs to cope with the fact that I won't always be with her. Its stupid of her or anyone to come out and complain after 10 years of marriage, and 2 kids. I believe we have a very healthy lifestlye right now. I spend plenty of time with her. There is absolutely no reason why she should feel the way she does. I spend the weekends with her and the kids, and I spend time with them when I come home from my work. I'm not going to deny that I go to seminars, and meetings in different cities frequently, however that is part of my line of work. I might be gone for days at times, having gone to a seminar or meeting, etc. I think there is little or no communication going on in our relationship, and that is the real problem.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, married for three. From the time I entered this family I noticed something very different from my own. I come from a history of alcoholism, and cheating and divorce. And my husband come from a family of mental and physical abuse, but yet his parents stayed together until his father passed away a couple of years ago. Neither of us is from the ideal family but I guess I realize this more then my husband does. I have tried to make a conscience effort to work toward a better life. And I believe that is what my husband wants as well. Right up until he gets mad and angry (usually when you say something he doesn't agree with) When his father was alive, he was always very loving and caring toward me and all four of his children. He welcomed me into the family and made me feel a part of it, I never saw the abuser that apparently he once was years ago. Where as my mother in law was the complete opposite. She told my husband when we were first going to live together that he was distroying his life, and that relationships of this sort never work out for the good, she didn't even know me because she would never come when she had the opportunity to meet me. She was so incredibly bitter about her past (forced to marry because she was pregnant, and then was verbally abusive to her husband, which resulted in physical abuse back, they slept in seperate rooms since she was pregnant with her last child 22 years ago) She would alway put down my FIL and call him names. They fought openly infront of everyone, and would never drive to the same place in the same vehicle. When my FIL was diagnosed with cancer she would not take him to his appointments, or even show up to the hospital when he had major surgery. My husband and I were married away from home and she came but my FIL was unable to because of his illness. She was hanging out with my mother one day and told my mother to stop telling people that her daughter was getting married because it was really quite annoying. My mother was crushed, she was so excited because she loves me and my husband both, that she did not understand why my MIL was not happy for us. My FIL not being there broke my husbands heart but we did a reception back  for him to come to. The first day that we returned my MIL told me that she did not consider us married because there was no mention made of God in our wedding vows. I told her that we never even heard the vows until we were standing there, and I thought they were beautiful and said what I wanted and needed them to say. That my god was present and would understand. She flew off the handle and cused me out infront of everyone, and because we were in our house my husband asked her to leave. For months we never spoke with her, and my FIL even tried to kick her out of the house for her attitude. When my FIL was in the hospital on his death bed she wouldn't even come to the hospital because she said the air there was making her throat dry. I was 7 months pregnant when he passed away. The only time she came to the hospital was with a lawyer to try to get my FIL to write a will because she said that there wasn't one. He was to drugged to do anything and she tried to get my husband to talk to him. We thought he was going to die right then he was so mad at her, so we never said another word. It then came out that she had a key to a safety deposit box with a will already made in it.  She was left nothing in his will and it all was given to his four children. The two boys received the most, but they said from the start that they would give it all to their mother because they did not want to see her in the poor house. She lashed out at all of them, we think because my FIL refered to her as mentally unstable in the will. One of the daughters stood by her side and the others had had enough. They had dealt with her verbal abuse for years and this was the last straw. She was not even phoned when our son was born but somehow she found out and showed up at the hospital like nothing happened. Trying to hug me and act like we were one big happy family. Our thoughts were, if she does not acknowledge our marriage because of her religious beliefs then how does she acknowledge our son. We tried several times after this to make peace with her but everytime it would end in her saying how her oldest daughter and her husband had ruined her life. And we would not stand for that. Her daughter did not ask to be born and she had the choice to leave her husband. She was just as abusive, just in a different way. 10 years after all the kids moved out she was still there. It was all she knew. We have not really talked to her in the last couple of years, but when she found out we were pregnant again she came and dropped off flowers. My husband has lost both of his parents and he is really searching for something like what I have with my mother. Now my husband is starting to talk to her again and I am trying to be supportive of this, for him and my son. But I do not want a relationship with her. Everytime my husband starts to talk to her again, he becomes moody and irritable. His anger issues come right back out. He name calls and is not happy until I name call back, which I don't. But I have asked him if that is what he is going for. To push me so far and knock me down mentally that I snap and fight back. And all I want to say is that it is whenever his mother is back in his life that this all comes full circle again. His sister agrees with me, because she says she acts the same way everytime her mother is around. I know my MIL does not like me, I think because I will say what is on my mind and stand up for myself. Something that she was never able to do. She tells me sometimes that she "really does love me" but then the next time I see her she says "heaven forbid I should ever have give birth to a daughter like you." So how do you trust what she says. I don't and I have no desire to even try, she is not my mother. She has also said to me that she worries for me, what my husband might potentially do to me because of what my FIL did to her. How horrible is that to say about your son when you have never witnessed anything but love and affection toward his wife and child. When we go up town I run into friends of hers all the time that say "you really should start treating her better" or "It is so horrible how all the kids are treating their mother, she just lost her husband" I worry for my husband and his anger issues and I worry that I will not be able to support him in the reuniting with his mother. I will go to family functions and I will talk to her, and be pleasant. But I do not respect her as a mother, nor do I like her as a person. What kind of a mother calls her daughters sluts and whores in front of their children. Now having a child of my own, I cannot relate to this. So how do I support my husband but not give in on my feelings toward her. I do not want to be two faced or hypicritical. She is now wanting to "hang out and go for tea" with me, and I am not in this place. She will never discuss the past and just expects it to go away, until the next time she is mad and angry and decides to throw it up in our faces. I don't like putting myself in this situation. I resolve things and if it takes days or weeks of talking, then that is what it takes. And then it is left in the past. Now that I have bored you, can someone give some advice? Or does anyone else have MIL issues such as myself

Remember, you treat people how to treat you. I would suggest that you stay away from your MIL and if your husbnad wants to go visit or whatever, that would be his choice but it does not mean that you have to go with him, And when you are around her and she says or does something that you do not approve of, then hold your tongue and walk away, do not gve in to the pressures of these people, certainly not worth it. I understand where you are coming from with some of this and forget what other people say and think, people tend to stick up for the underdog in these situations cause they either don't know the real issues/problems or they just don't want to confront them, whatever the case, stand your ground. My children do not come in much contact with family members and when they do, I am right there with them, no way on this green earth would I leave my children alone with them. You can only do so much to help people and until they come to the point of seeing things as they truly are and seek help, nothing you say or do will please them, believe me, I have been there. My bio mother told a bunch of lies about me as a teenager and to this day she thinks they are all true, some people lie so much they actually believe themselves. I think the problem is that she was abused and in a couple of bad marriages and to actually see people happy and successful just doesn't seem possisble to these people so they do what they can to make it all appear that those doing well, really isn't. Just be yourself and support your husband in his choices, just because you support him does not mean thta you have to agree with him, be there for him, afterall it is his mother. pray for him and don't talk down to him, he has had enough people in his life to do this crap, let him know daily on how you feel about him and let him know that you are on your side and that you are going no where, but at the sane time, you need to protect yourself and your children for this is abuse and they will reap some consequences from it. As they grow older, you will be able to explain things a little better to them but they must be your first priority here. it isn't easy being in these situations but you don't have to be in the middle of it all, love and respect your husband as I think he is trying to make things better, but at the same time, do not participate in the bad mouthing and all the negatives things going on and when you see something positive, compliment it but basically stay out of the mess as much as possible.

you teach people how to treat you.......

Hi there, we're half a world apart sweetie and yet we're having similar situations.. Maybe your hubby is doin' that thing you do with a stray kitten? He could quite possibly be scared that hes gonna loose you, And not realising hes it even hurting you (even though hes doin it daily) By being "cold" to you and the wee ones. Have you ever wondered if Maybe hes scared of returnin to iraq, so just like that wee kitten that wont stop following you for its own good, Instead of throwing stones like a child, it seems hes almost driving you away so you wont have to go through the pain of potentionally loosing him?? I dunno how he feels about returning to iraq, maybe it could do you both good to sit down "calmly" maybe even sit down beside him in the chair and say, "i dont want to loose you, i would like us to be a loving couple befor you go back overseas".. Anyway chickee, Good Luck and God Bless :o)

I am new to the boards. But i need to talk.

I came from a family where my father is an alcoholic and his father was as well. He almost died this past December (from Pancreatitis) from the booze. Yet he is still drinking and i fear i am going to get the dreeded phone call from my mother or sister that dad has died. I rarely see my parents cause i do not need my kids to be witness to my drunkin father. I drink on some social events..my kids rarely see this. Am i doing the right thing by having my kids see less of Grampy cause he is killing himself?

Tanya

I have never really thought about it like that.  I am sure my husband is scared abpout going back to Iraq especially since his first time over there he was almost killed when an RPG(rocket propelled gernade) hit his truck. He walked away without a scratch on the outside but was terrified on the inside. Everyone one called him "ghost" after that happened.  It scared him so badly that the 3 weeks he had quit smoking ended. I guess we are both scared about him going back over there but we just havent addressed the thought yet. I know if I asked him if he was scared he would probably tell me no he wasnt, but I would know he wsant telling me the truth. Maybe he will open up tomorrow(wednesday) at our marriage counceling session.  Since I have been home from my moms things have been going okay. We have been getting along better but he still isnt any better with the kids.  He still wont help me with them at all. I have to ask him 1000 times or more to get the baby a bottle or change a diaper, or put the baby to bed. Thanks for the advice. Wish me luck.

You just described my dad, only its not just him it my mom as well. They are both hard core alcoholics.  My mom is so afraid she is going to miss out on one beer so she takes some of what they have an hides it so when everyones beer is gone she has hers there. She gets really mean and vocal when she is drunk. My mom quit drinking for 10 years after her kids were born and then my dad opened up a bar 2 years after the opening of the bar my mom started drinking on a regular basis. My dad doesnt drink as bad as my mom but he still drinks alot.

   When I go visit my parents I do not allow them to hold my kids while they are drinking. My daughter is five and LOVES her nana and papa to death I fear the same thing you do about him drinking himself to death literally. That is the reason why I want her to see him as much as she can while he still has time on earth. Like i said my dad isnt as bad as my mom My daughter sees more of my dad sober than drunk but that is just here recently he has slowed down alot.  My moms dad died trying to stop drinking after drinking for so many years and I fear the same thing is going to happen to both of my parents.

Does your dad get violent when he is drinking or drunk? Have you tried talking to him and telling him what you fear?

Brandy

I personally do not think you are doing the wrong thing, you are your children's parent and you must do everything you can to protect them and there are times when the kids must come first. I know what alcohol can do to a person and I will not allow my children around people drinking. Are there times when he is not drinking? Maybe you can set up times in advance for the kids to go visit him. Maybe then he will wait til they are gone to drink. I also have an open door policy in my home even though we do not go visit these people, they can come to our home basically anytime they want to see our girls but they must abide by our house rules, no drinking, no swearing and no smoking, most will follow the rules out of respect. So maybe sit your father down sometime when he isn't drinking and tell him how you feel, that you care for him and you want the kids to be a part of his life but they just do not need to see him drinking and drunk and that you would like to start setting dates to come over or for him to come to your home to have some fun times with the kids, see how he responds to this. But whatever the case, as parents, it is up to us to teach and guide them and really, you are protecting your kids from the outcome that could come from the alcohol and that is your right and in my opinion, your responsibility.