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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1244
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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August 3, 2005, 5:39 pm CDT

Help with my 5 year old daughter

My daughter is 5 years old and she doesnt like discipline at all. When she is told she can't do something or told she has to do something she doesnt want to do she gets out of control. She gets madd starts crying and screaming at me. When I go to discipline her she starts fighting with me. I have tried the time out thing I have tried spanking I have tried taking away privelages and nothing is working. I think she is acting this way because my moms neighbor has a daughter that acts the same way when she doesnt get her way only they have diagnosed her with BiPolar. Recently when my daughter gets mad at me for making her do something or telling her she cant do something she tries to hurt her baby brother that is only 8 months old. Example....When we were shopping yesterday I made her sit down in the cart and she got mad started screaming at me and when her brother reached to the back of the cart to grab something she grabbed his arm as tight as she could and pushed it back to the front of the cart. I dont know if she is just acting out because she sees this older girl do it or if there is something wrong with her. Should I take her to the doctor to get the situation looked at or is it just a phase? Help Please!!!!
 
August 7, 2005, 1:12 pm CDT

So now what....

Quote From: jettav

you teach people how to treat you.......

Thank you very much for your responce. And you are so right, you do teach people how to treat you. That is what I keep telling myself everyday, but for some reason I really need to get a back bone. Not to put myself down because I know that I am a very intelligent, outgoing, pretty, confident woman. It just seems in this case, I seem to keep thinking that love will conquere all and it hasn't. This past week my husband and I were planning to pull our trailer out to the lake that he was working beside. He only had to go to work for maybe a couple of hours per day, so it was nice and close. We never get to spend time together because we are self employed and always seem to have something on the go. I am currently 8.5 months pregnant, still operate our 5 businesses fulltime and look after our 2 year old son. I look after ALL of the household duties, including maintenance on my own vehicle. I can honestly say that I cannot think of one thing that my husband has to do around the house, not even take out the garbage, feed the dog, mow the lawn or pick up milk at the store. And not to say that my husband is not a hard worker, because he is. But he has the very old fashioned view of division of work. And because I do not pull a paycheque from our companies, I technically do not have a job other then looking after my son, which to him is nothing! I was really looking forward to just having time to play with my son, which I never get to do, before the next baby comes, and not having any other responsibilities.He went ahead and invited his sisters two children out to the lake, thinking that this was no more work for me. We have already taken them a total of 6 weeks in 2005 alone, and he does not do anything other then be the fun uncle every now and then, when he is not at work. I have to look after them completely while I am still working. they tag along with me, and complain the whole time that they are bored. I feel so badly for them. If we are going to take them then we should have things planned to do with them. But for me there is  more cooking, more cleaning, more laundry, etc. It is a big jump from 1 kid to 3 kids. When I mentioned that I was not too happy about taking them, he lost it. Went on about how I don't like kids, or his family. Told me that his whole family and all of his friends hate me. That he cannot see me in his life forever, and on and on with many other hurtful things. This was the night before we were supposed to leave and he went in to the city to stay at his sisters house over night and would not answer his phone or phone me to tell me where he was. When he came back, I did nothing but ask him if he was going to pull the trailer out to the lake or if I should get my father because I was still going. Then he decides to come, and then I find out that he had also asked about 8 of his friends, and his grandmother and mother to come. I was fine with the friends because they can look after themselves but I was a bit nervous about my MIL. The week went by, and his friends didn't end up coming out, and my son and I had a great time, and my husband and I barely talked for the first three days. He stayed at work longer then he needed too, probably to avoid us, which was fine by me because my son and I had a great time together. We talked very briefly and basically came to an understanding that yes we love each other and want to be together but I could not bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him or even be close to him and look him in the eye because it would just make me cry. I am so hurt from everything that he said that I don't trust that you can do that to someone and still love them. How could he not see that I am getting tired and runned down at 8 months pregnant. If I say anything then I am a whiner. I, in my heart of hearts, do not believe that he could love me. I on the other hand have never waivered on my love for him. But then that baffles me also, how could I love someone that talks to me that way. Anyway, his mother came out yesterday morning and as soon as she got there I could see his attitude change. I was being very pleasant to her, and I love his granny, so that is not an issue. And I went about my day. My son was misserable with too much sun and excitement, and would take a nap. So he was crying and throwing a fit and my husband starts in about wanting supper and wanting it now. I told him that it was already started and I couldn't do anything until the potatos on the bbq were partly done. I told him if he thought that there was something that could be done in the meantime then he could go ahead and do it, of course I know being the one that always cooks dinner, that at that point it was just a waiting game. So I continued to attend to my son. He laid into me, infront of my MIL, about how he does everything. "So now I am not only the one that brings in all the money in the house and works for a living, but I have to cook and clean and look after my son, while you sit on your big fat ass". I was in shock. I could not believe that he would do this infront of other people. Thank goodness granny is almost deaf, she just sat there and smiled. His mother jumped up, of course feeling wierd about the situation, and offered to help. And I told them no, that everything was under control and if Tom was not patient then he could go get a burger at the concession. So he did, and I continued to cook dinner, and when he got back the 3 of them ate that too, and I went for a walk. I was so mad and hurt, and angry. But I did not want to show it infront of my son or give my MIL the satisfaction. Then my husband went to bed at 7pm because he was tired because we all know how hard he works and he needs his sleep. And he didn't put down any of the beds that I asked him too, because I can't get them down with a baby in my tummy, but I was being a wimp and should suck it up and be a better hostess as far as he was concerned.  

My son was up all night and then up at the crack of dawn this morning. So I went for a walk. I was damned if I was going to cook them all breakfast. Then my husband cooks breakfast, and acts as though I put them all out. He got called out to work when I was on my walk and as soon as I got back, which I wasn't even gone for long, maybe 30 minutes, he was starting to pack up camp because we had to leave sooner then expected. At this point I still did not understand what the rush was, because even though I was asking he never told me he got called out to work. All he would say is that "some of us have to work for a living". Which he had told me he had to go in today but not until much later, so I still did not understand the rush. Again, all of these comments were infron of my MIL. When the trailer was all hooked up, he made my son and I walk a mile up a hill with our big dog pulling us the whole way because he said that there was not enough room in the vehicle. My vehicle was parked in the parking lot at the top of this hill. Then, he left the car seat on the side of the road because he said I took to long getting up the hill and he couldn't wait for me. He waited a whole 10 minutes. Like a 8 month pregnant lady and a 22 month old and a german shephard are going to be able to walk as fast as a truck. And he always tell me to "give my head a shake". He dropped his mother and granny at their vehicle as well and left. So when I got there they were waiting to say goodbye, and I had tears in my eyes and she just came over and touched my face and told me to take care of myself. After she left, it just made me ball. How horrible that the woman who thinks so negatively about marriage should have to see that. As well as her son act that way towards his wife. When I got home, he was here showering, getting ready to go to work, which I didn't understand because he was apparently supposed to go straight there. That is what the big rush wash. But instead he drives one and a half hours home to drive an hour back.  he starting yelling at me about how I shouldn't have come home, that he wished I would have gone somewhere else, etc. Then I was standing in a doorway, and he got so mad at me that he slammed the door on me shoving the handle right into my tummy, oh did it hurt. I know he wasn't thinking, but it scared me. And I told him that and he started going on about whether or not I wanted more. It scared me something fierce. I didn't know what to do. I was crying and at that point, all I was thinking is "this is over" I will not put up with this. Just like that. I have tried to be loving and patient and kind, and try to show him for 6 years that love doesn't have to hurt and when do you say enough is enough. My children come first. They really do. And I know I love my husband and I would love to fix all of his "issues" but is that really my place. When he is loving he really is. And I know that alot of this is for fear of me leaving. I know that in my heart of hearts. Because when he came back last night from the concession he tried to come over and hug me and joke and I politely pushed him back and quietly told him to give me space and that I was not ready to listen to it. After that he  was all pissed off again. the one thing that I have figured out with him is that his anger is purely out of fear. And he does not like to be volunerable. But really how much do I take. I don't think it will be easy to leave. And then where do I go. I am the pregnant one, with a kid. Should I be leaving or am I just giving up way to soon. He will not go to counselling, I have tried that one in the past. He says that they did numbers on his mother so he doesn't trust them. which I can see from experience. Not to mention that he does not like discussing his issues with other people. Of course he has no problem speaking his mind infront of friends and family.  I just really need someones opinion here, because this is snowballing on me. Do I need a backbone or should I be trying to stand beside my husband and help him through this time??? 

 
August 7, 2005, 1:49 pm CDT

So many factors involved....

Quote From: nuttymomof

I am new to the boards. But i need to talk.

I came from a family where my father is an alcoholic and his father was as well. He almost died this past December (from Pancreatitis) from the booze. Yet he is still drinking and i fear i am going to get the dreeded phone call from my mother or sister that dad has died. I rarely see my parents cause i do not need my kids to be witness to my drunkin father. I drink on some social events..my kids rarely see this. Am i doing the right thing by having my kids see less of Grampy cause he is killing himself?

Tanya

I too am from an alcoholic family. Although, I am one of the lucky ones where my father stopped drinking when I was 9 years old. My father has been an incredibly active member a AA for the last 23 years. When I was younger and he was drinking, I don't remember a whole lot. I just remember my father either being on the couch passed out or not home at all , and of course, many a crashed vehicle in our back yard. When he had to look after the kids he was really fun loving and easy going. Of course he was always drunk. He too was from an alcoholic family with both parents that drank and did drugs. When my father stopped drinking I asked if I could go with him one Friday night when he went out. Mainly because I knew that something was different about him and I wanted to see what it was that he was doing. So from that night on, I went to meeting with my father every Friday night to his AA meeting. My father started to discuss with me that pros and cons of alcohol. Not that there are really any pros other then the fact that you might like the taste. But he was very strong on the fact that his issues were his issues and as long as I knew why I was taking that drink then there is no reason why I could not drink within reason. My father today will have beer in his fridge or a glass of wine for us at Christmas. Where as many alcoholics should never even put themselves in temptations way by doing this. And I am very cautious that when I am stressed or sad that I do not turn to the bottle. Alot of people think after a hard day, "man I just want a drink". And I know that is something that I should never do. I should face my stresses and my sadnesses with a clear head. And save the glass of wine for a nice night out. This also helped me in later life, when it came to pressures to do drugs. I did not want to put myself in a situation where I would become "powerless" over something. I wanted to live life on a natural high. Not be someone that was so boring that I needed a boost in order to be the life of the party. They just scare me because I see what they can and have done. I guess what I am trying to say is that children are smarter then we give them credit for. You can protect them, but they will still know that something is wrong. And it is better to discuss with them the up and downs (mainly dangers), rather then thinking that you can protect them from it. As well, they are missing out on their grandfather. I do agree that you should talk to your father as well. Sometimes things need to be brought out into the open. He may be continuing to drink because no one close to him has really showed him how much it affects them. His family may be enabling him. My father had to hit rock bottom before he came to see the light. And even then, he fought it every step of the way, until he realized what he was really missing out on in life. By not letting your kids see him, that could just be one more thing for him to wallow about. This is just my experience
 
August 7, 2005, 3:24 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: hayhez

Thank you very much for your responce. And you are so right, you do teach people how to treat you. That is what I keep telling myself everyday, but for some reason I really need to get a back bone. Not to put myself down because I know that I am a very intelligent, outgoing, pretty, confident woman. It just seems in this case, I seem to keep thinking that love will conquere all and it hasn't. This past week my husband and I were planning to pull our trailer out to the lake that he was working beside. He only had to go to work for maybe a couple of hours per day, so it was nice and close. We never get to spend time together because we are self employed and always seem to have something on the go. I am currently 8.5 months pregnant, still operate our 5 businesses fulltime and look after our 2 year old son. I look after ALL of the household duties, including maintenance on my own vehicle. I can honestly say that I cannot think of one thing that my husband has to do around the house, not even take out the garbage, feed the dog, mow the lawn or pick up milk at the store. And not to say that my husband is not a hard worker, because he is. But he has the very old fashioned view of division of work. And because I do not pull a paycheque from our companies, I technically do not have a job other then looking after my son, which to him is nothing! I was really looking forward to just having time to play with my son, which I never get to do, before the next baby comes, and not having any other responsibilities.He went ahead and invited his sisters two children out to the lake, thinking that this was no more work for me. We have already taken them a total of 6 weeks in 2005 alone, and he does not do anything other then be the fun uncle every now and then, when he is not at work. I have to look after them completely while I am still working. they tag along with me, and complain the whole time that they are bored. I feel so badly for them. If we are going to take them then we should have things planned to do with them. But for me there is  more cooking, more cleaning, more laundry, etc. It is a big jump from 1 kid to 3 kids. When I mentioned that I was not too happy about taking them, he lost it. Went on about how I don't like kids, or his family. Told me that his whole family and all of his friends hate me. That he cannot see me in his life forever, and on and on with many other hurtful things. This was the night before we were supposed to leave and he went in to the city to stay at his sisters house over night and would not answer his phone or phone me to tell me where he was. When he came back, I did nothing but ask him if he was going to pull the trailer out to the lake or if I should get my father because I was still going. Then he decides to come, and then I find out that he had also asked about 8 of his friends, and his grandmother and mother to come. I was fine with the friends because they can look after themselves but I was a bit nervous about my MIL. The week went by, and his friends didn't end up coming out, and my son and I had a great time, and my husband and I barely talked for the first three days. He stayed at work longer then he needed too, probably to avoid us, which was fine by me because my son and I had a great time together. We talked very briefly and basically came to an understanding that yes we love each other and want to be together but I could not bring myself to sleep in the same bed as him or even be close to him and look him in the eye because it would just make me cry. I am so hurt from everything that he said that I don't trust that you can do that to someone and still love them. How could he not see that I am getting tired and runned down at 8 months pregnant. If I say anything then I am a whiner. I, in my heart of hearts, do not believe that he could love me. I on the other hand have never waivered on my love for him. But then that baffles me also, how could I love someone that talks to me that way. Anyway, his mother came out yesterday morning and as soon as she got there I could see his attitude change. I was being very pleasant to her, and I love his granny, so that is not an issue. And I went about my day. My son was misserable with too much sun and excitement, and would take a nap. So he was crying and throwing a fit and my husband starts in about wanting supper and wanting it now. I told him that it was already started and I couldn't do anything until the potatos on the bbq were partly done. I told him if he thought that there was something that could be done in the meantime then he could go ahead and do it, of course I know being the one that always cooks dinner, that at that point it was just a waiting game. So I continued to attend to my son. He laid into me, infront of my MIL, about how he does everything. "So now I am not only the one that brings in all the money in the house and works for a living, but I have to cook and clean and look after my son, while you sit on your big fat ass". I was in shock. I could not believe that he would do this infront of other people. Thank goodness granny is almost deaf, she just sat there and smiled. His mother jumped up, of course feeling wierd about the situation, and offered to help. And I told them no, that everything was under control and if Tom was not patient then he could go get a burger at the concession. So he did, and I continued to cook dinner, and when he got back the 3 of them ate that too, and I went for a walk. I was so mad and hurt, and angry. But I did not want to show it infront of my son or give my MIL the satisfaction. Then my husband went to bed at 7pm because he was tired because we all know how hard he works and he needs his sleep. And he didn't put down any of the beds that I asked him too, because I can't get them down with a baby in my tummy, but I was being a wimp and should suck it up and be a better hostess as far as he was concerned.  

My son was up all night and then up at the crack of dawn this morning. So I went for a walk. I was damned if I was going to cook them all breakfast. Then my husband cooks breakfast, and acts as though I put them all out. He got called out to work when I was on my walk and as soon as I got back, which I wasn't even gone for long, maybe 30 minutes, he was starting to pack up camp because we had to leave sooner then expected. At this point I still did not understand what the rush was, because even though I was asking he never told me he got called out to work. All he would say is that "some of us have to work for a living". Which he had told me he had to go in today but not until much later, so I still did not understand the rush. Again, all of these comments were infron of my MIL. When the trailer was all hooked up, he made my son and I walk a mile up a hill with our big dog pulling us the whole way because he said that there was not enough room in the vehicle. My vehicle was parked in the parking lot at the top of this hill. Then, he left the car seat on the side of the road because he said I took to long getting up the hill and he couldn't wait for me. He waited a whole 10 minutes. Like a 8 month pregnant lady and a 22 month old and a german shephard are going to be able to walk as fast as a truck. And he always tell me to "give my head a shake". He dropped his mother and granny at their vehicle as well and left. So when I got there they were waiting to say goodbye, and I had tears in my eyes and she just came over and touched my face and told me to take care of myself. After she left, it just made me ball. How horrible that the woman who thinks so negatively about marriage should have to see that. As well as her son act that way towards his wife. When I got home, he was here showering, getting ready to go to work, which I didn't understand because he was apparently supposed to go straight there. That is what the big rush wash. But instead he drives one and a half hours home to drive an hour back.  he starting yelling at me about how I shouldn't have come home, that he wished I would have gone somewhere else, etc. Then I was standing in a doorway, and he got so mad at me that he slammed the door on me shoving the handle right into my tummy, oh did it hurt. I know he wasn't thinking, but it scared me. And I told him that and he started going on about whether or not I wanted more. It scared me something fierce. I didn't know what to do. I was crying and at that point, all I was thinking is "this is over" I will not put up with this. Just like that. I have tried to be loving and patient and kind, and try to show him for 6 years that love doesn't have to hurt and when do you say enough is enough. My children come first. They really do. And I know I love my husband and I would love to fix all of his "issues" but is that really my place. When he is loving he really is. And I know that alot of this is for fear of me leaving. I know that in my heart of hearts. Because when he came back last night from the concession he tried to come over and hug me and joke and I politely pushed him back and quietly told him to give me space and that I was not ready to listen to it. After that he  was all pissed off again. the one thing that I have figured out with him is that his anger is purely out of fear. And he does not like to be volunerable. But really how much do I take. I don't think it will be easy to leave. And then where do I go. I am the pregnant one, with a kid. Should I be leaving or am I just giving up way to soon. He will not go to counselling, I have tried that one in the past. He says that they did numbers on his mother so he doesn't trust them. which I can see from experience. Not to mention that he does not like discussing his issues with other people. Of course he has no problem speaking his mind infront of friends and family.  I just really need someones opinion here, because this is snowballing on me. Do I need a backbone or should I be trying to stand beside my husband and help him through this time??? 

You definetly need to start standing up for your self. Is ther any where you and your littel boy can go to? your husabnd is manipulative and a coward. He is disrespectful and very rude. I think you need to sit down and doculment everything that he said and did to you in the past couple of weeks and then make a list of everything that you do in a days and a weeks time, leave it on the table for him to see and not be there when he gets home. make sure you keep a copy of all so he cannot deny anything. Make sure you express exactly how you feel about all this and that you are not going to put up with his disrespect any more and for the safety/peace of mind for you and their children, you are leaving and not sure when you will be back. Do you have friend that you can stay with for a littel bit? This guy needs a BIG wake up call and if he sees that you are serious that you are not going to take it any more then maybe he will be willing to change. He is very abusive. Sounds liket here might be some stress there as well on both of your parts, which can be very damaging. You also need to seek counseling even if he doesn't, a professional can help you to figure out your own emotions and how to deal with things. Just having some one to talk to can do wonders, believe me, I know that is true. Maybe even get Dr. Phils relationship rescue book and read it, maybe if he sees you working on your marriage/yourself, he will open his eyes. Whatever the case, he is not good for you or your children at this point and you are the only one that can stop it. Make him accountable for his own actions otherwise, he will continue to act this way and it will not get better. I realize that all this is easier said then done, but you need to find a way out of this situation and stand up to this guy, there is absolutely no reason to treat people like this. Please find some one to talk to. You need it, not just for you but for your children as well. You deserve to be treated as a human being, with love, care and respect and it doesn't sound like you have that. You can't change him, but you can change you.
 
August 11, 2005, 6:31 pm CDT

Question.

Quote From: brandyfra

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and the topic of divorce has come up several times especially since our son has arrived. Since he has been here my husband and I have been at each others throats. I am with our children all day every day. I dont even go to the store without one of the kids. I understand my husband has a hard job being in the Army and all but I didnt have the kids by myself so I feel he should help out with them rather than letting me do everything for them and with them. When it comes to taking the kids to the doctor I have to do, when it comes to baths I have to do it, when it comes to feedings, changings, clothing, and all that kind of stuff I have to do it. My husband asked mewhy i sound like I am stressed and I told him its because I am stressed. I dont know what a day without kids is like, not even a day but not even a few hours. My husband tells me if I want sometime away from the kids I need to get a job. He says that taking care of the kids is not a job and is easy to do no matter how many kids you have.  Anyone have any tips, advice or suggestions to get my husband to help me out with the kids and the household chores?
Hi I am new to the message board but I recently went through a similar situation(my husband is in the Navy). I resented my husband for being able to go to work and play golf whenever after our daughter was born and I was just expected to stay there with her. I was mean to him about it, I never asked him to help, I assumed he should automatically help, after all she is his too. Well after a long night of screaming crying and talking ( I had post partum depression, I was a basket case) I relized men do not work like that. You have to ask. ( I hate asking) What I finally told him was that I was losing it, I was stressed to the max and I needed help or I was going to melt down. Now my husband helps (nothing is going to be perfect though) and I still have to ask him sometimes. When your husbands suggests you get a job, (keep your cool, even though I would want to scream because I know what it is like to baby talk all day) tell him that if you were lucky you getting a job might cover child care for one child, so it might not be that productive. Ask him to help you maybe one hour a day where you can goto the gym (that is what I do) or just go in your bedroom and read a book ( I suggest leaving the house though because my husband always wound up not knowing what to do and he needed to figure it out on his own). Tell him he converses with adults all day and you don't, you need some adult interaction, or some alone time, even just to goto the grocery store. If that doesn't work don't give him a choice, if you need to goto the store wait until he is home and say "I am going to the store I will be right back." If he argues tell him that it is faster and much easier to go and get it done alone. When he says you sound stressed out tell him why in a nice way, I have come to realize the nicer (is that a word??LOL) you are when you talk to them that more they will be likely to help and feel sorry for your situation. I have a hard time keeping my cool and learning to communicate with my husband, but I learned a few things and I hope I could help. It is nice to know that we aren't alone.
 
August 11, 2005, 6:45 pm CDT

Rock and a Hard Place

Hi, I am new to the board and I was hoping maybe someone would have some suggestions for my issue at hand. I am a stay at home mom and I am starting to think about going back to work. I just moved to the area about 5 months ago and don't know anyone here. My husband is in the Navy and where we were stationed before we had bad experiences trusting people in our personal lives so we have become quite self sufficient. We don't talk to anyone and we don't have any friends here. My biggest issue is that I am going to need childcare for my 7 month old daughter. I know she needs to be socialized and so do I. I am not ready to be away from her all day though and I can't afford to work part time, then I would just be paying for her child care. Also my husband is leaving in Oct. for a month and then next June (06) for 6 months to go on deployment, I am not sure I want to work while he is on deployment because her daddy is already going to be gone and I want to be there for her. I am scared though because my mom was smothering with me and my little brother and I know I have issues because of that. I am just scared and worried and I don't know what to do. My husband said I am free to do what I want and I don't know what to do. I don't want an in home provider, I feel more comfortable with the structure of a child care center, and with that comes the bill. I want to goto work and be a contributing factor but I don't want to be away from her all day either. ANY advice is welcomed. Thanks for listening.
 
August 13, 2005, 12:59 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: amanda04

Hi, I am new to the board and I was hoping maybe someone would have some suggestions for my issue at hand. I am a stay at home mom and I am starting to think about going back to work. I just moved to the area about 5 months ago and don't know anyone here. My husband is in the Navy and where we were stationed before we had bad experiences trusting people in our personal lives so we have become quite self sufficient. We don't talk to anyone and we don't have any friends here. My biggest issue is that I am going to need childcare for my 7 month old daughter. I know she needs to be socialized and so do I. I am not ready to be away from her all day though and I can't afford to work part time, then I would just be paying for her child care. Also my husband is leaving in Oct. for a month and then next June (06) for 6 months to go on deployment, I am not sure I want to work while he is on deployment because her daddy is already going to be gone and I want to be there for her. I am scared though because my mom was smothering with me and my little brother and I know I have issues because of that. I am just scared and worried and I don't know what to do. My husband said I am free to do what I want and I don't know what to do. I don't want an in home provider, I feel more comfortable with the structure of a child care center, and with that comes the bill. I want to goto work and be a contributing factor but I don't want to be away from her all day either. ANY advice is welcomed. Thanks for listening.

I have a 22 month old and am currently due with my second in September. I never stopped working from the time that my son was born. We have our own businesses so I am self employed. Although I am lucky because our business is less than a block from where we live. I also moved to this small town with my husband 4 years ago and found myself in a position of needing to meet people. I ended up finding that when I went to work, I was not necessarily meeting the people that I wanted to meet. And once again found myself in a position of loneliness. I am once and for all handing over all of my duties at work to someone next week, so that I am able to be home with my children. If I had it to do over again, I would have chosen to stay home with my son from the start. I had good and bad experiences with child care, both in home and out, but feel there is no substitute for the real thing. I also want my son to be more socialized,  because we had an in home care giver, for the most part, which I am sure that I will struggle with now that I will not be working. I think that all of your concerns are valid. And only you know what the right choice is. If you want to be at home with your daughter, then that is where you should be. I don't feel that you could ever be smothering as long as you know what you want for your child. You know the things that you would have changed about your mother, so make those changes with respect to your child. Then go to play groups and mom & tot swimming lessons, etc, and you will meet other mothers that are in the same stage of life as you are. And your daughter can become socialized at the same time. And if it is the "fullfillment' of a job that you require in addition to that, then see if there is something that you can do from home in your spare time. Not that stay at home moms have much spare time, but when she naps or goes to bed at night. Just don't bog yourself done with the feeling of having to have it all. That is what I did and eventually it catches up to you and everything suffers.  

 
August 16, 2005, 1:31 pm CDT

Hi

Hi everyone, 

I am new here too, and I could really use some insight on a few things.   

My husband and I don't seem to get along.  We've been together for ten years, married for two now.  We have three children together, we did everything backwards.  We don't seem to enjoy eachother's company at all.  My husband works second shift so he doesn't get home till late.  About 11pm or later.  Sometimes not till three in the morning.  And I usually wait up for him so I can at least see him for a while.  If I didn't wait up, I'd see him on average of an hour a week.  He tells me he comes home late because he is avoiding me.  But I don't know why, I don't nag him about anything.  Never tell him what to do or give him chores.  I feel like I am just a maid, a prostitute and a nanny.  I don't feel like a life partner.  I ask him for advice on things, things that have to do with the entire household, and he says he can't tell me what to do so he won't give me advice.  I am responsible for waking him up for work, even though we have an alarm clock.  He won't use it.  Doesn't even know how to set it.  He says I have to ask him for hugs and kisses, he can't just give them to me because he wants to.  When we argue he always tells me to leave, that he doesn't love me, that he wants a divorce.  He makes me feel totally stupid and unworthy.  The only time he gives me any real attention is when he wants sex from me.  Then he says things about that.  He says that I'm a horrible mother, that the house is filthy and it's my standard of housekeeping not his.  But I clean all day, and sometimes yeah, there are things that aren't done, like folding the clothes.  But big deal.  He can't take the trash out, the only chore that he does have, until there are about 4 bags of trash in the kitchen.  I never say a word about it either.  The only thing he wants to do is play his stupid computer game.  And it used to be something we did together until he threw my computer on the floor.   

He wants to keep everything seperate.  He won't introduce me to his friends, even though they invite both of us out for movies and such.  He won't give me advice about things, won't meet my friends cause he says they are stupid and he doesn't care who I hang out with.  Just today I said I could use a hug and he told me to hug the ice cream man.  He says his life sucks, but by saying that, doesn't it mean that we all suck?  He won't even help me pay the bills.  He says that all he has to do is work.  And that alone should tell me he loves me.  Does he love me when he tells me I'm retarded, and that I'm stupid and have no friends cause I can't get along with anyone?  Does he love me when he tells me that I'm selfish because I wanted to go back to college to get a BA, so I could make our lives better with a better income?  Does he love me when he says that I suck in bed and that he has multiple accounts to online porn?   

I am so tired of all this stuff.  I am afraid to leave though because I don't have a job, no savings, no where to go.  We are lower middle class and we struggle every month to pay bills.  With three kids it is hard to get everything we need sometimes.   

Well thanks for reading 

Cenobia 

 
August 16, 2005, 2:23 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: cenobia

Hi everyone, 

I am new here too, and I could really use some insight on a few things.   

My husband and I don't seem to get along.  We've been together for ten years, married for two now.  We have three children together, we did everything backwards.  We don't seem to enjoy eachother's company at all.  My husband works second shift so he doesn't get home till late.  About 11pm or later.  Sometimes not till three in the morning.  And I usually wait up for him so I can at least see him for a while.  If I didn't wait up, I'd see him on average of an hour a week.  He tells me he comes home late because he is avoiding me.  But I don't know why, I don't nag him about anything.  Never tell him what to do or give him chores.  I feel like I am just a maid, a prostitute and a nanny.  I don't feel like a life partner.  I ask him for advice on things, things that have to do with the entire household, and he says he can't tell me what to do so he won't give me advice.  I am responsible for waking him up for work, even though we have an alarm clock.  He won't use it.  Doesn't even know how to set it.  He says I have to ask him for hugs and kisses, he can't just give them to me because he wants to.  When we argue he always tells me to leave, that he doesn't love me, that he wants a divorce.  He makes me feel totally stupid and unworthy.  The only time he gives me any real attention is when he wants sex from me.  Then he says things about that.  He says that I'm a horrible mother, that the house is filthy and it's my standard of housekeeping not his.  But I clean all day, and sometimes yeah, there are things that aren't done, like folding the clothes.  But big deal.  He can't take the trash out, the only chore that he does have, until there are about 4 bags of trash in the kitchen.  I never say a word about it either.  The only thing he wants to do is play his stupid computer game.  And it used to be something we did together until he threw my computer on the floor.   

He wants to keep everything seperate.  He won't introduce me to his friends, even though they invite both of us out for movies and such.  He won't give me advice about things, won't meet my friends cause he says they are stupid and he doesn't care who I hang out with.  Just today I said I could use a hug and he told me to hug the ice cream man.  He says his life sucks, but by saying that, doesn't it mean that we all suck?  He won't even help me pay the bills.  He says that all he has to do is work.  And that alone should tell me he loves me.  Does he love me when he tells me I'm retarded, and that I'm stupid and have no friends cause I can't get along with anyone?  Does he love me when he tells me that I'm selfish because I wanted to go back to college to get a BA, so I could make our lives better with a better income?  Does he love me when he says that I suck in bed and that he has multiple accounts to online porn?   

I am so tired of all this stuff.  I am afraid to leave though because I don't have a job, no savings, no where to go.  We are lower middle class and we struggle every month to pay bills.  With three kids it is hard to get everything we need sometimes.   

Well thanks for reading 

Cenobia 

I hate to be the one to break it to you but I would say that this idiot does not love you nor does he care for his kids as much as a father should. I know this is easier said then done but is there any where that you and the kids can go to at least temporarly? I definetly would not wantt o live with some one who disrespects me and is ungrateful for the things I say and do, and if he can't help around the house and appreciate your efforts then he sure the heck doesn't deserve to have sex with you, He is manipulating and using you and remember, we teach people how to treat us. Maybe it is time that you stand up for your self and if nothing else, start aleeping in your another room and make him get his own butt out of bed and so what if he is late, this dude needs to grow up and chances are he isn't gonna help support you and the kids if you leave him any way, so make him accountable to himself. Now, I am one who is strong believer in staying home with the kids but I think if I were in your shoes, I would be finding me a job and making arrangements for a sitter for the kids, maybe there is some one that you know that can help you but it certainly sounds like you have a no good husband and I surely wouldn't put up with his crap.
 
August 17, 2005, 10:07 am CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jettav

I hate to be the one to break it to you but I would say that this idiot does not love you nor does he care for his kids as much as a father should. I know this is easier said then done but is there any where that you and the kids can go to at least temporarly? I definetly would not wantt o live with some one who disrespects me and is ungrateful for the things I say and do, and if he can't help around the house and appreciate your efforts then he sure the heck doesn't deserve to have sex with you, He is manipulating and using you and remember, we teach people how to treat us. Maybe it is time that you stand up for your self and if nothing else, start aleeping in your another room and make him get his own butt out of bed and so what if he is late, this dude needs to grow up and chances are he isn't gonna help support you and the kids if you leave him any way, so make him accountable to himself. Now, I am one who is strong believer in staying home with the kids but I think if I were in your shoes, I would be finding me a job and making arrangements for a sitter for the kids, maybe there is some one that you know that can help you but it certainly sounds like you have a no good husband and I surely wouldn't put up with his crap.

Hi, 

Thank you for writing back.  I had a long talk with my husband last night and told him I was on the verge of really filing for a divorce if nothing changed.  He tried to excuse his behavior when we argue by saying that he is mad and things just come out.  I told him that I can not argue like that anymore and it has to stop.  That it really effects me when he says things like that, even just knowing he doesn't mean it doesn't really help much.  I also let him know that my needs aren't being met and he can no longer ignore me.  He doesn't think that he is though, so we are going to try to meet in the middle more.  Hopefully this canyon between us can be crossed.  I think he's been comfortable in where we were and hasn't realized that we've been slipping away from each other.  We'll see how it all works out. 

thanks again 

Cenobia 

 
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